10 Ways To Reduce The Impact Of Stupid People In Your Life

1. If you can’t correctly spell the protest slogan on your sign, you should not be allowed to attend the demonstration and manage to appear on TV.

  Unless, of course, that demonstration is an awareness-raising rally wherein you are representing Exhibit A in “what happens when ignorant yokels don’t pay attention in school and opt instead to attend white-supremacy marches and practice inbreeding”.

2. Children should not be allowed to scream and throw food in a public.

  We get enough of that during Republican presidential primaries.

3. TV networks should not be allowed to cancel a series until the season is OVER.

  And TV producers should make sure they end the season with a satisfying “get to the point” episode, just in case. (Side note to producers: Do NOT let the main characters decide that having another baby would be fun unless you are ready for the show to end. It’s a proven fact that viewers love watching established relationships, but not the pointless conception angle. See: Mad About You, Growing Pains, Roseanne, etc.)

4. Contestants on Survivor should not be allowed to whine when they get blind-sided.

  You stupidly believed an obvious lie and now you’re going home. Suck it up and grab your torch. Have you not seen this show before?

5. Radio stations should not be allowed to play the same song over and over until it makes people scream.

  Try playing something else for a change, like a song that isn’t by Lady Gaga or Adele. (I like them both, but I’m more than aware that they were born that way and they can set fire to the rain. Let’s hear about somebody else’s skill set for a change.)

6. The makers of low-fat frozen dinners should not create products that taste like week-old oatmeal left on the back porch.

  People are much more content if the things they stick in their mouths make them happy. And let’s stop using so much sodium to disguise the fact that all the yummy fat has been sucked out of the entrée. There’s enough salt in some of those to make a certain city in Utah a little jealous.

7. People should not be allowed to interrupt your daily domestic routine.

  There are hordes of zombies out there who are roaming the neighborhoods and think nothing of wandering up your sidewalk and banging on your door, proffering pointless products or brochures about suspect charities that are probably gang-based. Ignore the doorbell and continue watching Ellen.

8. If you don’t know the background of every single candidate on the ballot, you really shouldn’t be voting.

  Seriously. Do your own research. Don’t let others do it for you.

9. If you can’t back up what you’re saying with unquestionable evidence, you shouldn’t be allowed to say anything on a news program.

  I hope the government has enough unemployment forms for people on the Fox network. Oh wait, they don’t believe in government handouts, at least not while a Democrat is in the White House. They should be fine, then.

10. If you can’t immediately understand my problem when I call your supposed help desk, you shouldn’t be allowed to answer the phone.

  I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do your job. You should be telling me, in a clear and concise manner, exactly what I need to do in order to have a better life with the product or service that your company sold me. If this expectation is beyond your training and/or conceptual grasping, we have an issue, one that can easily be resolved by you pulling your head out, finding somebody who doesn’t have focus issues, and tendering your resignation.

  But I’m not bitter. And hey, the free time that you now have will allow you to work on that poster you wanted to make for the racist rally you’re attending later tonight. Say hi to Rush and Glenn and Ann for me, okay?


Peace in.

30 Signs That Your Significant Other Is Clearly Trying To Drive You Insane

  Note: Change the pronouns around however you like to fit the dynamics of your own relationship. This is an equal-opportunity whine-fest. Just sayin.

1. He changes the car radio right in the middle of a song that you really, really like.

2. She stares at the restaurant menu for 37 minutes and still cannot find anything that remotely interests her. Yet she wanted to go to this place.

3. He doesn’t understand that inviting his friends over for dinner at the very last minute might be an issue in any way.

4. She makes fun of the fact that you can’t parallel park.

5. He eats the last yogurt in the fridge that YOU picked out and leaves the crappy one that he chose.

6. She insists on going down every single aisle in the grocery store.

7. He doesn’t HAVE a plan in the grocery store, and runs from one end of the store to the other at least 26 times.

8. She thinks it’s okay to answer her phone right in the middle of the Immunity Challenge on “Survivor”.

9. He lunges to close a window on his computer screen every time you walk into the home office.

10. She starts any conversation with the phrase “I was talking to Mom the other day…”

11. He starts any conversation with the phrase “Why are you dressed up like we’re going somewhere?”

12. She abruptly ends a conversation by saying “whatever you think is best” and then leaving the room.

13. He makes that soul-killing sucking noise trying to get food out of his teeth.

14. She sneezes like somebody stepped on an anemic mouse.

15. He sneezes like an elephant getting a rectal probe, and then has to follow it up by hollering “DAMN!” like he has no idea what just happened to him.

16. She lets the alarm clock on her side of the bed blink for two days after a power failure.

17. He hits the snooze button on his alarm clock for two solid hours.

18. She can apparently go through an entire roll of toilet paper in one afternoon.

19. He apparently doesn’t comprehend that when the toilet paper roll is empty one should take corrective action about the situation.

20. She thinks it’s okay to flip her hair like that when talking to a complete stranger at the local bar.

21. He thinks it’s okay to supposedly go to the bathroom at the local bar and not come back for thirty minutes.

22. She doesn’t understand that clicking “Like!” on anything that a former lover does on Facebook could indicate possible remorse about her current relationship.

23. He doesn’t understand that the mere act of  befriending a former lover on Facebook makes him a possibly-cheating bastard.

24. She thinks nothing of wrapping herself in an afghan-cocoon on her side of the bed and thereby avoiding sex for the evening.

25. He thinks nothing of falling asleep on the couch while watching Frasier even though you have slipped into a contortionistic outfit that highlights all of your body parts that he previously worshipped.

26. She has apparently contacted a lawyer who has an advertisement proclaiming “We will get you every penny that you deserve!”.

27. He has apparently contacted a murky dude named “Guido” who has a tattoo proclaiming “I make things go away.”

28. She invites her mother to come live with them.

29. He invites his mother to come live with them.

30. Both of the mothers instead opt to rent the house across the street, shove some chairs up to the front window, get comfortable with some snacks and a glass of wine, and watch this puppy play out in real time. Hell, they’ve already been through all this mess, time to relax and let the kids finally realize that at the end of the day it’s all just water under a bridge that they’re building together…

15 Things About Modern Technology That Make You Want To Scream

1. You watch a TV show that you’re not all that interested in just because you’re too exhausted to figure out how to get to that Guide channel on the remote. Besides, every time you do find that menu, you do something wrong and people yell at you because the DVR stopped recording Modern Family.

2. You get irritated that a photo you’re trying to review on the Internet actually takes longer than two seconds to download, completely forgetting that in 1995 you were completely happy if a racy photo of Brad Pitt downloaded in less than 10 minutes.

3. You discover that you are unable to actually type out a complete sentence after having sent roughly 40,000 texts in the last three years.

4. The soothing Bluetooth voice in your fancy new car announces that you should lose 23.7 pounds for an optimum driving experience.

5. You get really upset that your wireless phone dropped another call and you angrily stomp down the hall past the wired phone that works just fine. You’ve actually forgotten about that old-school contraption, but since the name of the phone company has changed five times recently, you don’t even know what that bill is for anymore, so you pay it just to make sure something unsatisfactory doesn’t happen.

6. Your email address gets picked up by some murky syndicate and suddenly you are getting endless promises of everything from drive-thru breast implants to a miraculously-strong penis that can double as a carjack.

7. Your email inbox hasn’t been fully cleaned-out in over a decade. When you try to click on some of the decrepit messages way at the bottom of the list, your laptop shuts down and a military helicopter flies overhead.

8. You start to initiate a friend connection on one of your 23 social media sites and a pop-up displays, warning you that you drunkenly slept with this person 12 years ago but you’ve managed to block out the experience. Are you sure you wish to proceed?

9. You’re so used to something playing an annoying tune and buzzing in your pocket that you no longer pay attention and you miss half your calls.

10. Your own computer suddenly announces that you are no longer an Administrator on this device. But for a small monthly fee, it will allow you to access some of the non-premium content. Click here to sign up.

11. You hit a wrong button on the confusing security-alarm control panel you had installed at the house, and the dishwasher suddenly turns on. Then you hear a fire truck in the distance. And a Jehovah’s Witness rings your doorbell.

12. Your techie friends actually laugh at the fact that you still buy physical CD’s in a physical music store. You choose not to mention that every time you do this, you somehow manage to get the one CD with that weird crack in the plastic that you swear wasn’t there when you picked it up. Is the Bluetooth woman in your car doing something to your purchases when you aren’t looking?

13. You have so many user names and passwords that you have to start a spreadsheet for all that mess. And you have to include a column with your answer for the security question, because you’re getting old and it’s no longer easy to remember the first car you owned or the town where you were born.

14. You start to join another website, and you are flummoxed when the unique “surely nobody is using THIS” user name you enter is already in use. What the hell? Who else would go by “@KDWbang!%”? Have I been here before and just don’t remember? Are the breast-implant people stalking me? Is this the place where I pay the bill that I don’t understand that might be for the phone that I don’t use?

15. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming “ACCESS DENIED!” and your bed partner sighs and heads to the guest bedroom for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, the Jehovah’s Witness is still on your front porch, patiently waiting….