Backup Dancers From Hell: Katy Perry - “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”

Well, now. Katy and the gang have put together a little mini-movie for your viewing pleasure, packed with colorful characters, little plot and surprising guest stars. (It’s just like The Love Boat. Only totally not.) Here goes…

We start out with some paper boy doing his thing, on his bike and hurling his wares in a quaint little neighborhood that most of us can’t afford. We zoom in on one house, and travel to Katy’s bedroom, where she’s just waking up to find things are a bit amiss. The room is totally trashed, and rude people have passed out hither and yon. There’s even an actual chicken who is really perturbed about something.

Katy, who has glammed up her name by adding an “H” and is now known as Kathy, is sporting one of those torture-chamber headgear devices that many of us survived in our teeth-straightening years, as well as an outfit that can only be described as “victim of home-schooling”. She proceeds to not-so-subtly freak out about the condition of her room and what might have led to live poultry and a possibly-naked stud sharing the bed with her.

The door flies open, and “Aaron” sticks his head in, played by one Darren Criss, who has apparently done quite well on a tiny little show called Glee. Anyway, Aaron overlooks Kathy’s freaking, just wanting to thank her for a party well done, then he splits. Typical party guest. They break things and then they leave.

While geeky Kathy ganders at the devastation about her, she decides to sing about her life at the moment, as we all do when confronting unusual circumstances. She warbles about some shindig gone bad, then checks her online account to see a posted video of her licking the stomach of some guy named Steve, proclaiming her a goddess for her tongue work. How nice of him.

Kathy begins to recall the hazy details, and it seems that it all started with her innocently sitting in her little-girl-geek room, minding her own business and being unattractive. Her self-loathing awkwardness is interrupted by the strains of a major blowout coming from next door, where obnoxious people are drinking and doing stupid things only because there’s an audience and party streamers. You know, like your entire college experience.

Socially-inept but defiant, Kathy stomps to the offending house, where the door is answered by “Rebecca Black”, played by, um, Rebecca Black, she of the infamous mother-financed “Friday” music video that went viral earlier this year and has apparently been seen by the entire world. Except me. I guess she and Katy/Kathy got tight somewhere along the line.

Rebecca graciously invites Kathy into her dwelling, where tons of people are having a blast, guzzling anything liquid, and doing gymnastics. While Kathy takes this all in, spazzing geekily but excitedly, she is spotted by a fellow geek cadet (“Everett”, played by Kevin McHale, also from Glee.) He and his braces swoon over Kathy, and he briefly imagines them as Knight and Fair Lady back in Medieval times, rubbing teeth metal and wearing ugly, heavy clothes while standing in front of a fake castle.

Up comes a typical high-school jock, all full of attitude and testosterone. (This would be Steve, he who eventually gets the lint removed from his belly button by Kathy. But that’s later.) He blows off our heroine Kathy and instead tries to cozy up to some slut in denim, showing off is washboard abs as a sign of introduction. Kathy is a little blue about not being immediately bedded by the jock, so her new bestie Rebecca drags her upstairs for a makeover, because that’s what good friends do, try to completely change one another as soon as they meet.

We now have a nice sequence of fashion sprucing, including the replacing of tragic clothing with racy little snippets of stretchy material, the execution of lip hair via wax-enhanced ripping, and some breast redesign accomplished with structural enhancements. Oh, and they lose the headgear, an operation which nearly decapitates Rebecca when the tension is released on the steel hardware.

Cut to Kathy tottering down the stairs in purposely mis-matched high heels, breasts that could easily be floating around Jupiter, and enough jacked-up hair to wipe out a small town. (She’s still got her braces, natch, because you can only do so much dental work in a typical teen bedroom.) Of course, this immediately gets the attention of Jock Steve, who instantly ditches Denim Tramp and races to bask in the light reflecting off Kathy’s teeth.

So now the party has really started, and we get shots of Kathy and her hair having the time of their lives, playing video party games, drinking, and imagining that grown-up life is going to be just like this. There’s an extended dance-off sequence, where people are doing the robot, and even the geeks get to join in, letting us know that these folks are really inclusive and not Republican at all. (Well, maybe those shifty people in the corner might be, lying into their cell phones about where they really are, but we’ll ignore them for now.)

We also have a bit where Kathy and her jupiters leading the crowd as they chant the “T.G.I.F” bit of the song, with her being the center of attention because you can’t wear an outfit like that and not be the center of something. We transition to the backyard for the first of two startling surprises. First, it appears that Hanson is the band performing at the festivities. (Mmmm-what?) And then they are joined by Kenny G, blasting out a solo on his instrument.

Kenny G, people. (I know. It scared me, too.)

Everybody jams for a while, probably because with all of Kathy and Kenny’s hair blocking the exits, ain’t nobody going nowhere just yet. Then Kathy picks out her bestest new friends and leads them over to her house, where they can party in her room and admire her science fair ribbons. (There’s a brief shot of Kenny being crowd-surfed to somewhere else, but no explanation is given. It’s probably best that we don’t know.)

Eventually, as always happens with any good party, things start to go awry. Poor Kathy, not accustomed to alcohol and tight clothing, throws up in one of her pretty little roller skates. Then Jock Steve decides to grab him some Kathy butt, which offends Geeky Everett, who is still pining for Kathy. So Everett, fueled by another Medieval vision wherein he slays evil Stevie while a volcano erupts in the background, punches Steve, who promptly passes out on Kathy’s bed.

Kathy, maturing socially rather quickly, realizes it’s important to catch on to the latest trends as soon as possible, and she promptly passes out beside Steve. (Smart girl.) Everett, tenderly removing the glasses of his slumbering beloved, has another King Arthur vision wherein he and Kath and their amazing teeth-hydraulics live happily ever after.

Cut back to the present, where morning-after Kathy is still reeling from the shambles of her room and the snoring of her apparently new roommates. The door opens again (anybody in this place knock?) and this time it’s Corey Feldman and Debbie Gibson playing Kathy’s parents. (They look just as surprised to be together as we are to see them.)

They want Little Missy to explain things, like why is Kenny G sleeping on the couch and who framed Roger Rabbit? Kathy has a total geek-plosion in trying to explain that she somehow magically became an alcoholic tramp overnight. This eventually leads to Corey and Debbie fessing up that they used to have their own Friday-night fun back in the day, an image that we instantly hope is not about to be shown to us.

Luckily, Kathy decides that the best thing to do is just go back to bed, and the parents decide to go downstairs where we can’t see them, Debbie’s hair has more room to get comfortable, and Corey can stop acting like he’s channeling Charlie Sheen. Kathy leans back, grinning to herself, and lays her hand on Jock Steve’s abdomen, breathing nerdily as her fingers inch their way toward the blanket adorning his waist.

Careful, girl. No telling who you might find down there. (We haven’t seen Rebecca, Everett OR the chicken in quite a while. Sayin.)


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Backup Dancers From Hell: Katy Perry featuring Kanye West - “E.T.”

We start out with old-timey music playing while the camera pans over piles of rubble. It’s not clear what we’re looking at, but some of the tidbits of this and that sure do look like bones, so this might not be the happiest video ever. Is this the fallout from a war of some kind, like the Republicans trying to do everything they can to prevent universal health care and, oops, they went too far?

The camera focuses on a robot on the ground, sporting what might be a tiny coal furnace in his chest. That seems odd, so we zoom in for a closer peek, but we don’t really learn anything because suddenly we’re in outer space, with a pod-ship flying toward us. (Hey, is that Sigourney Weaver waving at us from the window, wearing tiny panties and clutching a cat?) Next thing you know, Kanye is onscreen, rapping away, so the plot’s a little hard to follow here.

While Kanye floats around in some anti-gravity chamber, he babbles about his sexual prowess and how having bang-bang with him will blow your mind. That’s nice. Thanks for offering, but I believe I’ll pass. Then the pod-ship flies away from us, and I can’t say that I shed a tear that Kanye had to go somewhere else for a while.

We start hearing Katy’s vocals while we watch some billowing thing floating around in the night sky. (Or maybe it’s not night and the sun is dead. Wouldn’t surprise me, this hasn’t been a real uplifting video so far.) The billowing thing undulates for a while, and we get the sense that there is some kind of being in all the billowing fabric. Maybe a drag queen with a little bit too much dependence on chiffon?

Eventually we see that, yep, there’s somebody in there, but it’s an alien, sort of like the “E.T.” that we know and love from the movie, but WAY stretched out and not accompanied by Drew Barrymore in pigtails. While this guy continues to billow in the sky and Katy wails about “different DNA”, we get quick images of scientific-looking things and possibly an egg being fertilized.

Oh wait, here comes somebody else doing gymnastics in the sky whilst wearing an outfit with far too much flapping material. We have more quick images of various things, none of them very pleasant until a shot involving some guy’s naked chest. We could certainly study that for a while, but I guess we don’t have time. Okay, the new sky floater is apparently Katy, wearing wicked-ass makeup, a blouse made out of plastic tubing, and a severely-rigid hairstyle that makes me want to organize my CD’s.

This Katy floats around for quite a while, probably because she refused to get strapped into THAT mess again and they better get some serious footage while they had the chance. We see another series of nature shots that are somehow uncomfortable, then Katy does a wardrobe change into something that involves a lot of white material and a new hairdo that could easily grate cheese. I guess there’s some structural issues with this new outfit, because she seems to be having trouble getting the top half of her body in a comfortable position.

More nature shots, and we move from uncomfortable to downright vicious, with animals killing each other and such. Nice. Not really caring for that business. But Cheese-Grater Katy doesn’t care, continuing to do a bad version of The Robot while whizzing through the air. Oh wait, she’s not whizzing anymore and seems to be falling down to… well, I don’t know if it’s supposed to be Earth. We’ll just call it “ground” for now.

It seems that Katy changed her clothes once again while re-entering the atmosphere, and now she’s all dusty gothic, with the train on her skirt long enough sleep 60 dinner guests and another new hairdo that makes me think “Jennifer Lopez in ‘The Cell’” for some reason. Oh look, Katy has landed near that robot thing, and she runs over to investigate if that really is a coal-burner in his chest.

She takes a few seconds to sing a touching part of the song, then she wipes some radiation fallout off the helmet of the robot, and we see that inside the helmet is the video image of a head. Seeing this, Katy then crams her hand into the coal-burner thing on his chest. (Not really sure that would be my first plan of action, but we’ll assume that Katy has read a manual somewhere that says “when encountering video heads, shove your hand into places that look hot”.)

And this fire-touching leads to Kanye returning to the anti-gravity chamber for another round of rapping. (And the connection would be?) At first, Kanye is using one hand to grip his crotch so hard that you really expect toothpaste to shoot out of his head. (Kanye, HOW old are you again?) While Kanye continues to love himself down, we see the robot get to its feet, along with shots of violent sex among animals.

The randy footage gets Katy’s hormones a-jumpin’, and she smooches the robot on his glassy helmet. This apparently causes a brief nuclear explosion, so I’m not sure that was the best move. But it also causes the robot to turn into a slightly-androgynous male who likes to shove his chest forward so Katy can lean toward his nipples and we get a close-up of her fabulous makeup.

It seems that Katy might have some failing eyesight (honey, maybe you shouldn’t be floating around in space so much) so she reaches for some spectacles lying conveniently nearby. While Kanye appears to being sucked away by some gravitational pull (yay!), Katy slaps on the glasses, then pulls off her outfit so we can see she has gazelle legs and a puffy tail. Didn’t see THAT coming.

We wind things down with Katy holding hands with her new lover, and the camera slowly pulls backwards as she and her surprisingly butt-baring beau stand and watch yet another nuclear explosion occur in the distance. Then they take a few steps toward their future together as a non-traditional couple. I’m guessing the marriage won’t take place in Texas…



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Backup Dancers From Hell: Katy Perry - “Firework”

We start out with some overhead shots as we’re flying through some vaguely-European city. (If I was rich and could travel more, I might be able to identify the location like those manic people on House Hunters International.) The music kicks in as we are approaching what is probably a castle, but might be Katy’s trailer on this set.

Speaking of, there’s Katy, wearing something billowy and marching toward a fancy railing on top of the castle/trailer. She gazes at some of the nearby buildings, wondering how many of them she can afford. Then she starts singing, asking us if we ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind. Well, no, I don’t, but didn’t they make a movie about such a thing a few years back? Maybe Katy didn’t get a chance to see it.

Cut to some family, where the parents are arguing (which is natural, because they’re married) and the kids hovering off to one side, waiting for them to shut up so everybody can go out for ice cream. (The little girl grabs her head and tears at her hair, so you know she’s already had too much sugar and should probably just stay in.)

Without any explanation, we’re suddenly at some swimming pool, with youngsters running about and splashing in the water, doing nothing to further their careers. Katy’s in the pool, because she always knows where the hot spots are, bellowing away. Cut to a hospital room, where we have what appears to be a very sick child wishing for better things, so I can’t really get too flippant about that.

Back to Katy on the roof of the castle, and her breasts suddenly start shooting sparks. Not really sure what this means, but Katy seems fine with it. She aims her personal Roman candles out over the street below, which is probably illegal in some way, but you know how those European countries are. Just live and be free. As long as nobody dies, it’s been a pretty decent evening.

Then Katy’s breasts kick into overdrive, and with all those sparks you’d think we were in a steel mill in Pennsylvania. Her electrical lactations are now lighting up the sky for all to see. (It’s kind of fun and pretty, but can you imagine hooking up with someone in a bar, and then later finding out that they can power Newark with their chest? Not sure that I could react to such a development in a calm manner.)

Anyway, Katy’s magical ta-ta’s have an interesting affect on the city. The sick child sees the sparks from her hospital room and finds this so much more pleasing than the reruns on TV. The older boy child in the arguing family lets the sparks overtake his body, and he runs to his bickering parents and shoves his daddy against the wall. I’m not sure that this is an emotionally healthy thing to do, but it’s certainly a game-changer.

Cut to some disco, where lots of people are dancing except for one sad man off to the side. Cut back to the swimming pool where one shy girl is inspired to shed her frumpy outfit. Cut once more to Katy walking along a fairly busy street. She strolls about and warbles, and we see the sad guy at the disco getting brave and looking for… something. The shy girl at the swimming pool marches toward the pool to do… something. Next we have some unruly thugs being mean to some guy that is apparently a magician. (Katy keeps singing, because she has bodyguards and hit singles and doesn’t have to worry about surprises in dark alleys.)

And we’re back to the sick child, so I have to be very careful. The child is wandering the halls of the hospital, and comes upon a delivery room where a woman is apparently giving birth to another spark-shooting being. (Should we be concerned? Is this some type of alien invasion that we totally didn’t plan for?)

Cut back to the disco, where the sad guy marches up to another guy and plants a big kiss on him. I don’t know what Katy was trying to say up to this point, but now that she did THAT I completely worship her and want her to rule the planet. Sparks fly about the disco and no one cares that a same-sex smooch has just taken place. In time this will be real, my brethren and sistren, just over the horizon.

And we’re with the sick child again, who has managed to wander out the front doors of the hospital, because health-care workers are criminally underpaid and they’re just too tired to keep track of everything. Quick shot of the thugs being mesmerized by the magician they were trying to accost, as he performs magic tricks and shoots sparks out of his belly. Another shot of the shy girl by the pool leaping through the air and splashing into the water, victorious, sparks shooting out of her as well, even though electricity and water are not really the best of friends.

Now the sick child, standing outside the hospital, is sparkling along with everybody else. This causes everybody in the city to start running… somewhere. Katy’s in this crowd of people, so at least she got the memo. These people are all running through the ancient streets of the vaguely-European city, and they have their hands in the air, so you know they are really serious about this.

The crowd ends up in some square, where they instinctively know to start performing a very intricate star formation, with key participants shooting off more Roman candles, but at least this time the candles don’t seem to be originating from within their bodies. Katy is standing in the middle of the formation, which she should, because it’s her song and all, and she’s had her stylist put a special purple streak in her hair for the occasion.

Next thing you know, fireworks are going off all over the place, with Katy raising her hand in the air like Joan of Arc just defeated… whoever it was that she defeated. Unlike Joan and her Middle Age ways, Katy knows some modern dance moves that she now exhibits for all to see. (Although, to be fair, Katy might just be moving like that to avoid the treacherous Roman candles which are now shooting all over the square with wild abandon.)

But it really doesn’t matter if death by flaming gunpowder might take them all out, these people are really happy, so let’s give them that. The joyous celebration continues, with Katy as the very bouncy centerpiece amongst throngs of jubilant citizens who have been released from the oppression they experienced before Katy came to town and started unleashing the mystical energy of her perky breasts.

As the song fades, the singing and dancing and mammary-explosions remind us all that, with the right amount of determination and gumption, anything is possible. We don’t need a military budget to save the world. We just need music and human decency.

And a C-Cup that can take down incoming aircraft…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Katy Perry - “Teenage Dream”

So we’re in a convertible, cruising down some nameless highway. It’s probably in California, because as Katy gleefully sang in her last hit, every other state in the country totally sucks. Katy’s hair is blowing in the wind, looking all pretty and everything, but that girl is going to need some de-tangler, stat. Right as I think that, Katy starts pawing at her tresses, so she’s already got some birds and road debris caught up in there.

She calms down for a few seconds, and sings softly without really moving, so we can see that she has some nice designer sunglasses on. They probably cost more than my house. But she looks pretty hot, which is the whole point, right? Doesn’t matter what the words are.

Oh look, her companion, the driver, is pretty hot as well, all scruffy and gazing at her with barely concealed passion. Which is a nice way to be gazed at, but really, shouldn’t he be watching the road?

Then we cut to a gym somewhere, so the driver can show us that he has other talents, like the ability to take off his shirt while squatting on the floor, and can wrap his own hands in a very tattered Ace bandage. And he can bounce around on his feet while staring at a punching bag, using basically the same look that he gave Katy back in the car, so there might be some unresolved anger issues.

Speaking of the convertible, we’re back in it, with the camera lingering on the car keys dangling from the dashboard, just so we can know they do have permission to be driving this car and didn’t just steal it. Katy’s suddenly very tired, probably from all that wind drag, and is laying back in her seat, singing some more. Then she decides she’s not all that sleepy and starts pawing on the driver, warbling about going all the way tonight. She frisky.

The beat of the song really kicks in, along with Katy’s libido, and the driver is inspired to floor it, so they can hurry up and get somewhere that Katy can satisfy her burning needs. The increased velocity causes Katy to shove her head up into the wind stream again, so I guess she didn’t learn anything the first time she did that.

As startled insects bounce off Katy’s fluttering eyelids, she spies some folks in a nearby red truck. They appear to be bellowing rednecks, so I’m not sure that we should be having anything to do with them. Katy agrees and throws her arm in the air in defiance. This causes another convertible to come along, apparently occupied by The Village People. (Why else would one of them be wearing an Indian headdress?)

Katy likes these folks better, so she alternates between reaching toward their car with welcoming abandon and groping her own driver’s crotch. This goes on for a while until somebody reminds The Village People that they don’t matter anymore, and they drive off.

Now we’re in a parking lot near the ocean, with lots of people who didn’t have enough clothes to complete their outfits or mistakenly thought they were attending a college lecture. Katy high-fives her driver, because they’re still the cutest couple. Then they flirt for a bit, happy and carefree because they’re young and don’t have any credit-card debt.

Then the driver spies something on the back of Katy’s neck, probably road kill, which inspires him to flop her on the hood of a car and give her a few smooches while she undulates and waves her arms over her head.

This inspires them to run to a nearby hotel, where apparently there are some cleaning-staff issues, because the bed in their room hasn’t been made. This doesn’t seem to be a problem, as the driver proceeds to hurl Katy on the bed and they both start ripping their clothes off in a frenzy. (Maybe they only paid for one hour.)

So now we’re cutting back and forth between the couple as they dance by the beach and have sex on the beach-themed bed. For added entertainment during this montage, the crowd in the parking lot decides it’s really hot out here, so everybody starts ripping off various bits of clothing (like it was really necessary, considering how skimpy everything was to begin with) and running into the ocean.

This three-way goes on for a while, with the dancing, the stripping and running and splashing, and the very agile sex in the cheesy motel room. We get to see Katy’s panties, the odd bruises on the driver, and the startlingly large package on some dude in a Speedo. I guess in California everybody is really horny and really well-endowed. That seems to be the motif.

I guess a bell rang and the happy people had to get back to class, because we suddenly see Katy, her hair nicely-coiffed despite her adventures, standing in a school hallway and fiddling with her locker. She happens to spy the driver punching his bag in the conveniently-nearby gym, and she has to stop and stare. He pummels, she drools, fingering her locker door. Then she gently closes her locker, and of course the driver can hear this tiny click over the sounds of his huffing and pounding. They gaze at one another with lust and devotion.

Then we wrap things up in a parking lot. It might be the same one from earlier, but it’s hard to tell because it’s now dark and there are distracting elements like guys on skateboards and somebody on a cross-country bike. Oh, and several girls exploring their lesbian side, popping each other’s bubble gum with their lips and exchanging delicate kisses. It’s nice that Katy doesn’t judge her friends and welcomes all.

Somebody hands out road flares for the rousing final dance number, which is choreographed to indicate that everybody got crabs while running on that beach. Lots of jumping and drink-throwing. And intimate popsicle-sucking. And hair-flipping. These people are really talented.

We end with Katy and the driver going at it again in a swimming pool. This proves that they must really be in love, because chlorine burns, right? If you can tolerate chemical abrasion, you were meant to be together…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg - “California Gurls”

We start out with a giant board game box flying at us while fluffy pink clouds float by, so we already know there’s going to be violence and femininity in this video. The game is called “Candyfornia”, which sounds vaguely obscene, but at least the people pictured on the box seem happy and there are lots of pretty colors.

The game box opens and we have Snoop Dogg, apparently fresh from an explosion at the local candy factory, sitting at a table piled with sweets and treats. I immediately think “drugs are involved in some way”, but perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. After all, Snoop is being very polite, welcoming us and inviting us to go on a journey. Then Katy Perry shows up and I’m scared all over again.

She’s wandering around Candyfornia, wearing something that either is, or fell out of, a pinata. She’s very excited about her outfit, and breaks into song while she gazes in wonder at the money somebody spent on this set. She then samples an ice cream cone that appears out of nowhere, which causes her to see gummy bears frolicking on the sugar path beside her. She waves at them pleasantly, but the gummy bears don’t like her singing or something and one of them flips her off. Guess he came from a bad batch at the factory before it exploded.

Shot of Snoop Dogg rolling some dice. I’m sure he’s never done that before and somebody had to show him how.

Then RuPaul floats up in a giant bubble, looking a bit frantic and needing assistance. (Perhaps she’s late for her Drag Race.) Katy is very sweet, and pops RuPaul’s bubble with a shiny high-heeled shoe. RuPaul is very appreciative, and they briefly celebrate their womanhood by squealing and flapping their hands.

Katy performs some hand movements that seem to indicate she is blessing something we can’t see, then she suddenly acts like she’s taking the Girl Scout pledge. (Meanwhile, Snoop is still rolling dice, no one having told him that you can’t just keep trying until you get the numbers you want.) Katy then wanders into a candy cane forest, where the canes suddenly turn into serpents.

As most people would do in this dangerous situation, Katy races to shimmy up the one candy cane that did not transition (no explanation is given). Based on the way Katy caresses what she’s straddling, the candy cane is making her feel all tingly, possibly in need of some confectionary attention in the near future.

Oh look, now Katy’s sprawled on top of one of the pink clouds, and she seems to have lost all her clothes during the climb. Maybe it’s really hot up there, closer to the sun and all. Then we have several quick shots of Katy singing flirtatiously, as well as glancing over her shoulder to gaze affectionately at her bum and then winking at us. It must be her favorite body part.

Then Katy is struggling across a giant licorice bridge. She doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job crossing it, so we cut back to her nakedness on a cloud because she doesn’t have to balance when she’s just laying there. (Quick shot of Snoop Dogg proving that he knows the words to the chorus.)

Katy stumbles across another drag queen, this one trapped in a giant cube of Jello, because that happens all the time when you have too many shots at the bar. Friendly Katy lets her out as well, causing the drag queen to do some dance moves to express her happiness. To celebrate the freedom of another supermodel, a car horn honks on the soundtrack.

Katy and her two girlfriends are suddenly wearing Brownie outfits and high heels, which inspires them to run find a gingerbread man and put a candy heart on him. Then they decide to start eating on him, because colorful couture can make you very hungry. We end the scene with bits and pieces of the gingerbread man trampled on the sidewalk, a warning sign to anyone who gets eaten by Katy and some dancing drag queens.

Brief shots of energetic people jumping on floating marshmallows, then Katy finds another supermodel trapped inside a plastic bag. (Did the poor girl not read the warning label? This is NOT a toy!) Katy lets her out as well, and there’s another dance of appreciation, and a few shots of Snoop Dogg waiting for his turn to sing.

Now we’re on the beach, and I guess Katy emancipated lots more people while we were looking at Snoop, because there’s a bunch of folks doing a big line dance in the sand. (And Katy has different-colored hair, so I believe we’re now in the second act of this play.) They prance around a bit, making sure we can see that they all have matching desserts attached to their breasts. I suppose this is important. We’ll see.

And now it’s time for Snoop to do his thing, in another one of those rap breaks jarringly inserted into the middle of an otherwise unrelated song. (Why do they do this? Seriously.) Jump shots of people dancing, popsicles melting, Katy humping the cloud, and full-frontal shots of the horrifying candy suit that Snoop is wearing. Katy bites her cotton candy in fear.

He raps for longer than I would have budgeted if it had been up to me, but he finally stops, and now he is standing behind an army of little gummy bears. He seems to be their leader of some kind. (And I suddenly need to re-think Snoop’s entire career. This imagery explains a lot.) Snoop and the Gummy Doggs march toward Katy and Candy Dancers. There’s gonna be a throw-down, y’all.

Oh wait, first the girls need to finish their dance routine. I guess Snoop got there a little early. The pastry-adorned breasts bounce around for a bit, then we get to the rumble.

In order to make sure she’s battle ready, Katy slips into something that you would find at Victoria’s Secret Cheerleading Hooker Camp. It makes her walk funny and have Betty Page hair. Just in case we aren’t taking her seriously, Katy signals for her dancing tramps to hand her some firepower.

And this weapon, ladies and gentleman, is a bit startling.

Katy straps two cans of whip cream to breasts (why are all those women so invested with accessories in odd places?) and starts firing away at Snoop and his posse.

We get lots of shots of Katy and her deadly cleavage, showing that she has really practiced for this moment in her life. Lots of shots. There’s even a quick snippet of Snoop, with an expression indicating “man, I was really looking forward to this, but now I’m a little concerned.”

Katy wipes out all the gummy bears, and we have a long shot of the carnage on the field, like that famous scene in “Gone with the Wind”. Only we have dead corn-syrup beings instead of Confederate soldiers. And nobody’s named Mammy.

We wrap things up back at the beach, where Snoop is buried in the sand up to his neck, while Katy and three of the Hot Mess dancers are lying on the bellies, doing a routine with their feet. Amid final quick shots of Katy being explicit with sugar-based products, in case we missed any cute outfits, Snoop is mumbling something about wishing we all could be California girls.

I think I’ll pass. Maybe next time? Call me.

　

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