Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Katy Perry - “Firework”

We start out with some overhead shots as we’re flying through some vaguely-European city. (If I was rich and could travel more, I might be able to identify the location like those manic people on House Hunters International.) The music kicks in as we are approaching what is probably a castle, but might be Katy’s trailer on this set.

Speaking of, there’s Katy, wearing something billowy and marching toward a fancy railing on top of the castle/trailer. She gazes at some of the nearby buildings, wondering how many of them she can afford. Then she starts singing, asking us if we ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind. Well, no, I don’t, but didn’t they make a movie about such a thing a few years back? Maybe Katy didn’t get a chance to see it.

Cut to some family, where the parents are arguing (which is natural, because they’re married) and the kids hovering off to one side, waiting for them to shut up so everybody can go out for ice cream. (The little girl grabs her head and tears at her hair, so you know she’s already had too much sugar and should probably just stay in.)

Without any explanation, we’re suddenly at some swimming pool, with youngsters running about and splashing in the water, doing nothing to further their careers. Katy’s in the pool, because she always knows where the hot spots are, bellowing away. Cut to a hospital room, where we have what appears to be a very sick child wishing for better things, so I can’t really get too flippant about that.

Back to Katy on the roof of the castle, and her breasts suddenly start shooting sparks. Not really sure what this means, but Katy seems fine with it. She aims her personal Roman candles out over the street below, which is probably illegal in some way, but you know how those European countries are. Just live and be free. As long as nobody dies, it’s been a pretty decent evening.

Then Katy’s breasts kick into overdrive, and with all those sparks you’d think we were in a steel mill in Pennsylvania. Her electrical lactations are now lighting up the sky for all to see. (It’s kind of fun and pretty, but can you imagine hooking up with someone in a bar, and then later finding out that they can power Newark with their chest? Not sure that I could react to such a development in a calm manner.)

Anyway, Katy’s magical ta-ta’s have an interesting affect on the city. The sick child sees the sparks from her hospital room and finds this so much more pleasing than the reruns on TV. The older boy child in the arguing family lets the sparks overtake his body, and he runs to his bickering parents and shoves his daddy against the wall. I’m not sure that this is an emotionally healthy thing to do, but it’s certainly a game-changer.

Cut to some disco, where lots of people are dancing except for one sad man off to the side. Cut back to the swimming pool where one shy girl is inspired to shed her frumpy outfit. Cut once more to Katy walking along a fairly busy street. She strolls about and warbles, and we see the sad guy at the disco getting brave and looking for… something. The shy girl at the swimming pool marches toward the pool to do… something. Next we have some unruly thugs being mean to some guy that is apparently a magician. (Katy keeps singing, because she has bodyguards and hit singles and doesn’t have to worry about surprises in dark alleys.)

And we’re back to the sick child, so I have to be very careful. The child is wandering the halls of the hospital, and comes upon a delivery room where a woman is apparently giving birth to another spark-shooting being. (Should we be concerned? Is this some type of alien invasion that we totally didn’t plan for?)

Cut back to the disco, where the sad guy marches up to another guy and plants a big kiss on him. I don’t know what Katy was trying to say up to this point, but now that she did THAT I completely worship her and want her to rule the planet. Sparks fly about the disco and no one cares that a same-sex smooch has just taken place. In time this will be real, my brethren and sistren, just over the horizon.

And we’re with the sick child again, who has managed to wander out the front doors of the hospital, because health-care workers are criminally underpaid and they’re just too tired to keep track of everything. Quick shot of the thugs being mesmerized by the magician they were trying to accost, as he performs magic tricks and shoots sparks out of his belly. Another shot of the shy girl by the pool leaping through the air and splashing into the water, victorious, sparks shooting out of her as well, even though electricity and water are not really the best of friends.

Now the sick child, standing outside the hospital, is sparkling along with everybody else. This causes everybody in the city to start running… somewhere. Katy’s in this crowd of people, so at least she got the memo. These people are all running through the ancient streets of the vaguely-European city, and they have their hands in the air, so you know they are really serious about this.

The crowd ends up in some square, where they instinctively know to start performing a very intricate star formation, with key participants shooting off more Roman candles, but at least this time the candles don’t seem to be originating from within their bodies. Katy is standing in the middle of the formation, which she should, because it’s her song and all, and she’s had her stylist put a special purple streak in her hair for the occasion.

Next thing you know, fireworks are going off all over the place, with Katy raising her hand in the air like Joan of Arc just defeated… whoever it was that she defeated. Unlike Joan and her Middle Age ways, Katy knows some modern dance moves that she now exhibits for all to see. (Although, to be fair, Katy might just be moving like that to avoid the treacherous Roman candles which are now shooting all over the square with wild abandon.)

But it really doesn’t matter if death by flaming gunpowder might take them all out, these people are really happy, so let’s give them that. The joyous celebration continues, with Katy as the very bouncy centerpiece amongst throngs of jubilant citizens who have been released from the oppression they experienced before Katy came to town and started unleashing the mystical energy of her perky breasts.

As the song fades, the singing and dancing and mammary-explosions remind us all that, with the right amount of determination and gumption, anything is possible. We don’t need a military budget to save the world. We just need music and human decency.

And a C-Cup that can take down incoming aircraft…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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