10 Odd Things You Might Be Doing Without Even Realizing That You Are

1. Saying “excuse me” when you sneeze, even though no one else is in the room.

  That’s very polite of you. It’s also slightly schizophrenic. But that’s okay. As long as you keep the habit going, you’ll be sure to apologize at more appropriate moments, like when you suddenly let loose with a surprise rip-snorter at Sunday church service, blowing the pretty little hats off of three elderly women sitting in front of you, making them think the Dust Bowl has returned.

2. Saying “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that” when you didn’t understand what someone just said.

  Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong, they did, since they obviously didn’t say whatever it was very clearly or there wouldn’t have been an issue. Perhaps we should change the phrase to “speak LOUDER and look at me when you say that, Mumbledore.”

3. Reading all of the credits at the end of a movie.

  Do you really need to know the names of all the stunt people? Or which catering service provided the caviar and nibbly bits so that Brad and Angelina would have enough protein to continue looking effortlessly beautiful as they saved the world from lower-billing actors who yelled a lot and did mean things?

4. Lifting your legs when you drive over railroad tracks.

  Or touching metal somewhere in the car. Or pulling on your ear lobe. This is the residue from childhood games that parents invented to keep you occupied and quiet. It really doesn’t improve your life in any way.

5. Walking on your tippy-toes when get out of the shower and head toward the bigger bathmat in front of the sink.

  The floor is going to get just as wet no matter what, it’s the same amount of water dripping off your body. Only people who have appeared in “The Nutcracker” need to be walking like that.

6. As you prepare to make a right turn onto a side street, you swing your car out into the left lane so you can make this really special, wide-ass maneuver that will guarantee a successful mission.

  You really don’t need to do that. Your car was designed to make this kind of turn without you ending up in a ditch. It’s unnecessary. It also completely annoys the people who were peacefully driving in that left lane and minding their own business, when suddenly they have to slam on their brakes because your car is moving in the opposite direction of your turn signal. Assuming you even used one of those things.

7. You set the house alarm, walk five feet to the back door, then have a small paranoia attack and race back to the alarm to make sure you set it correctly.

  And of course you did set it right. You always do, because it’s not complicated and you do it every day. But you know that if you don’t double check it, you will worry about it all the way to work and then be completely unproductive the rest of the day.

8. You try to put on socks while standing up, something goes terribly wrong with your balance, and you end up crashing into a piece of furniture that was just innocently sitting there and waiting for you to dust it.

  And you knew it was going to happen, but you thought you could pull it off anyway. Sadly, you’re not 17 and limber anymore. Now you actually have to take a small break and rest between socks. Maybe even lay on the bed and watch another episode of “House Hunters International” before you attend to the other foot.

9. You give your cat an “official” name, but then never actually use that name again.

  Instead, the cat must suffer through an endless string of evolving nicknames that are somehow related but still don’t make any sense, consisting of made-up words and repeated syllables that sound cute. The poor furry thing should probably be in therapy for some type of identity neurosis, but that type of coverage isn’t included in the Kitty Medical Plan. Just give little Bo-Bo Snookie Jumper something shiny to play with and things will be fine.

10. You take a tiny, unimportant incident and turn it into a torrid melodrama of pain and betrayal. At least in your head.

  So you find this strange pencil on your partner’s desk in your shared home office. Your partner doesn’t use pencils, what’s up with that? And it’s been sharpened recently, a sure sign that someone is up to no good. And there’s a faint, possible perfume/cologne smell wafting from the evil wood. It doesn’t smell like anything your partner wears. This pencil belongs to somebody else!

  What has been going on behind your back? Is it an affair? Oh my God! Your mind races as you mentally run through all of your friends and acquaintances, trying to determine which of them has a fondness for stick-like things with graphite in the middle and is also a slut. Who has been lying to you when? Which skanky ho has been smiling sweetly at you during happy hour at The Regal Beagle, and then running off to recreate scenes from “The Postman Always Rings Twice” with your formerly-beloved partner who is apparently not the person you thought you knew? You stagger to the liquor cabinet and guzzle everything, because it feels important to do that right at the moment.

  Two weeks later, after you’ve written to Dr. Phil, Oprah and Ellen, and even anonymously posted questions on some blog named “How To Seek Proper Revenge on Those Who Have Disappointed You In Life”, the phone rings. You set aside your latest bottle of gin, belch, and pick up the receiver. It’s your mother. Always the penny-pincher, she’s wondering if she left her favorite pencil at your house the other day. You know, the day when she and your partner got together to sketch out plans for your surprise anniversary party next weekend?

  Uh oh. You might want to call that lawyer back and have him tear up a few freshly-signed documents…

Backup Dancers From Hell: Eminem featuring Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie”

Well, then. This is NOT a happy video. Someone needs to call their pharmacist. (Oh, and side note before you watch this thing: It’s Eminem, so there’s a bit of graphic language. This thing does not need to be playing when your boss walks by. Just sayin.)

Anyway, we start out with Rihanna, sporting a startling red hairdo and a leather hoodie thing that Grace Jones might have worn back in the day. She likes the way it hurts, apparently. Quick shot of a couple in bed. They apparently can’t afford a blanket. Then we have a shot of the woman from the bed sitting on a boring floor and holding a burning flame in her cupped hands. Poor thing. Is she cold? Did somebody not pay the light bill?

Rihanna keeps singing, despite the poverty and the sad people. It looks like she’s standing in front of something else that’s burning, but we really can’t see because her earrings and hairdo are fighting for your attention.

Then the woman wakes up and she is very unhappy that her name (or somebody’s name, not clear) is written on her partner’s hand. She jumps out of bed and then starts beating on her partner, because that’s a natural reaction when you see a name written in marker on flesh. Meanwhile, Eminem has started rapping, but for some odd reason he’s doing to in the middle of a cornfield. No explanation is given, and the corn doesn’t seem very pleased about getting trampled.

Oh, and the guy in the bed, tussling with the angry woman, looks like Charley from “Lost”. Apparently the woman didn’t like his performance on that show, because she spits in his face and then bounces around in her panties while slapping at Charley. He shares his own opinions on the matter by walloping her back. I’m thinking the National Organization for Women might have some harsh words about this video.

The couple gets bored trying to kill each other on the bed, so they move into another room. This seems to have been a good idea, because there are more props that they can throw at each other, and we have a wall that Charley can shove his fist through. That bit of rough-housing seems to excite both of them, because they suddenly start making out as Rihanna starts wailing again. I don’t think I want to party with any of these people.

Rihanna keeps holding her head while she sings, so somebody should probably get her some aspirin. Eminem keeps mucking around in the field, not sure where the recording studio is with the rest of his crew. The couple continues to make out, fight, make out, fight, pause to let the camera linger on their seedy sweatiness, and then start wailing on one another again.

The I guess we’re having flashback scenes to when this entirely-compatible couple first met. Charley’s in a bar, and here comes the woman, stroking a beer bottle like she really means business. They decide that beer is just not going to cut it, so they run off to a liquor store so Charley can steal some hooch while the woman stands around and shows us that she can steal as well, having ripped-off Angelina Jolie’s hairstyle.

Quick scene with Charley displaying a tattoo on his back and then screaming in angst. Why are these people so mad about everything?

Back in the present, Charley tries to give Angelina a teddy bear, because stuffed animals always make people feel better after having been almost killed in a trashy apartment.

Eminem is still in the field, and Rihanna still has a headache, but they’re troopers and keep singing.

Suddenly, we’re in the bar again, and Charley walks up to some guy and smashes his head with a bottle while Angelina fondles a cue stick. No other details are shared, and we go back to the trashy apartment, where Charley and Angelina are doing yoga. Then they start seeing things in the air that don’t exist, and they play with these things. Charley decides to smash a mirror and then gaze at Angelina in one of the fragments. Folk, this is why they created tranquilizing drugs. Speak to someone, please.

Back to Rihanna, where we can see more of the structure behind her, and it is indeed a burning building, probably set afire by something that shot out of Rihanna’s warp portal. Eminem has joined her, having finally made it out of that field. Right now he’s doing some type of two-step while Rihanna finishes up her section of the song and shows us that she’s lost her pants at some point.

Then Eminem starts rapping again while Rihanna picks up with the two-step and waves her arms like she’s been cleared for landing. Meanwhile, the fighting couple is now just staring at each other, trying to remember their next lines. Angelina decides that she doesn’t care what the next words are, and she and her cut-offs start marching out of the apartment, which apparently doesn’t have a wall on the side where the camera is. Charley is not pleased with her departure and takes it out on the furniture.

Next we have things in the apartment, like an odd lamp and the bed, bursting into flames. We don’t actually see Charley doing this, but we’ll assume that he did, because Angelina is too skinny to hold a lighter. Then we’re magically transported to another part of the building, where the couple keeps fighting and we are treated to the sight of somebody’s jockstrap hanging from what I think is a deer antler.

Then Rihanna, still missing her pants, and Eminem, still missing an actual plot, are singing in front of the burning building again. (You’d think they could grab a bucket of water, right?) Then we see Charley on fire, probably not a good thing, followed by Eminem back in that damn field, also on fire. He really burns for a long time. Cut back to the couple, with Charley miraculously un-burnt, and they start making out again. Did Eminem’s possible death in the cornfield bring them back together?

Oh, maybe not, because now Angelina is on fire, in the apartment that’s not burning anymore. (Who wrote this?) But she survives as well, probably because Eminem and Rihanna have stopped singing and are staring at the apartment, using their mental powers to put out all the fires.

Final shot is the couple back in that bed where this mess all started. They are slumbering peacefully, without any fighting, so they’ll probably have a nice nap before Angelina discovers something else written on Charley…

　

　

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