Note: SOM = Skank on Microphone, the nasty dumb-ass that has somehow been granted communication permissions at this establishment. YOU = well, you. Here we go…
ONE
SOM: “Welcomecrackintheboxyourorder?”
YOU: “Okay, I think you just greeted me and want me to order. Can you hang on a minute?”
SOM: “….”
YOU: “Hello?”
SOM: “Are you ready?”
YOU: “No, I just wanted to make sure you heard me say just a minute.”
SOM: “…”
YOU: “Did you hear me?”
SOM: “Are you ready?”
YOU: “Do I just not exist to you until I answer ‘yes’ to that question?”
TWO
SOM: “Sir, please stop honking your horn.”
YOU: “I’m NOT honking my horn. It’s the people behind me.”
SOM: “Why are they honking?”
YOU: “I’m assuming they’re hungry. We’ve been in line for twenty minutes and we haven’t moved an inch.”
SOM: “Could you tell them to stop honking?”
YOU: “I don’t know them. I’m not telling them anything.”
SOM: “You’re closer than me.”
YOU: “Look, can I talk to your manager?”
SOM: “He’s not here, he had to run get some change from the bank and… Hey, is the honking coming from an ugly green Honda Prius?”
YOU: “What? Um… well… yes, it’s an ugly Prius.”
SOM: “That’s my manager. He’s trying to bring me change and you’re in the way. Could you go get the bag and bring it to me?”
THREE
SOM: “Could you please repeat that?”
YOU: “I haven’t said anything yet. Do you understand that the people in front of me aren’t here anymore?”
SOM: “Could you please repeat that?”
FOUR
SOM: “Please pull up to the second window.”
YOU: “Um, there’s only one window.”
SOM: “Oh. That was my last job. Can you just drive until I see you?”
FIVE
SOM: “You want any ketchup with that?”
YOU: “I ordered fries. Why would I not want ketchup?”
SOM: “Some people don’t.”
YOU: “Some people do. Like me.”
SOM: “Look, I’m supposed to ask instead of just give. I don’t make the rules. Ketchup costs money, you know.”
YOU: “Then add it to the cost of the fries and give everybody the damn ketchup.”
SOM: “Fine. Is one packet enough?”
YOU: “I’d like three. There’s only like two drops in one of those things.”
SOM: “That’s a lot of ketchup. Do you know how much sugar that is?”
YOU: “Are we really having this conversation?”
SOM: “I think we’re both talking, so, yes, we are.”
YOU: “Just give me the ketchup.”
SIX
YOU: “I’d like the Atomic Burrito and a large order of Jalapeno Bang-Bangs.”
SOM: “We don’t have chicken.”
YOU: “That burrito has ground beef. What’s with the chicken?”
SOM: “We don’t have it.”
YOU: “But I’m not ordering anything with chicken.”
SOM: “We don’t have chicken.”
SEVEN
SOM: “Would you like to super-size that?”
YOU: “No, thanks.”
SOM: “Would you like to super-size that?”
YOU: “NO! Regular size is fine.”
SOM: “Would you like to super-size that?”
YOU: “Are you some kind of upgrade terrorist? I don’t want the big one, I want the little one.”
SOM: “Bigger is better.”
YOU: “No, it’s not. Not if I don’t want it. God.”
SOM: “God wants you to have bigger things.”
YOU: “Just shoot me in the head.”
SOM: “Would you like the super bullet with that?”
EIGHT
SOM: “Can I take your order?”
YOU: “Uh, I was already ordering. Did you not hear that?”
SOM: “That was Yolanda. She’s on break now.”
YOU: “So Yolanda can leave in the middle of an order?”
SOM: “We have a union. There are rules. I don’t know why you’re here if you don’t support that.”
YOU: “Are you serious?”
SOM: “No, I’m Melvin. Can I take your order?”
NINE
YOU: “Does the Hawaiian Surprise sandwich have tomatoes?”
SOM: “I don’t know.”
YOU: “Is there somebody you can check with? I don’t want tomatoes.”
SOM: “I don’t know people in Hawaii.”
YOU: “Okay, does the person who is making the sandwiches know?”
SOM: “I’m not allowed to go back there.”
YOU: “Is there a manager I can talk to?”
SOM: “He’s not Hawaiian.”
YOU: “Why are you making this so hard?”
SOM: “You’re the one asking all the questions.”
TEN
SOM: “Could you please pull through and park in front of the building?”
YOU: “Why? What’s taking so long?”
SOM: “Your order.”
YOU: “I get that. What, of the things I ordered, is causing the problem?”
SOM: “Everything.”
YOU: “Even the water?”
SOM: “Yes. Especially the water.”
YOU: “How can there be a problem with a cup of water?”
SOM: “Um, no one ever orders that, so we’re not sure what to do.”
YOU: “You don’t know how to put water in a cup? Are you serious?”
SOM: “I’m very serious about food. That’s why I work here. Why are you questioning my values?”
YOU: “I’m not questioning… Look, if we skip the water, can things happen faster?”
SOM: “You’ve already paid. I’m not authorized to do refunds.”
YOU: “The water didn’t cost anything.”
SOM: “But it’s on the receipt. See? Item 4. Water.”
YOU: “Let’s just pretend that you’ve already given me the water and I already drank it, okay? Now, can I just get the rest of the food?”
SOM: “Um, okay.”
YOU: “No more problems?”
SOM: “No. Wait. Yes. Hang on.”
YOU: “What now?”
SOM: “They’re calling me on my headset. One sec. Okay. Okay. Sir, your chicken sandwich?”
YOU: “Oh, God.”
SOM: “Tina’s calling from the kitchen. She says she’s holding the tomato right now. But she doesn’t know what you want her to do with it after that.”
