10 Things You Wish You Could Say to People

1. To the lady in front of me at the Walgreen’s check-out line.

Why do you insist on giving everyone a detailed analysis of your psoriasis condition, bellowing like you have something lodged? And actually showing us one of your alligator patches? No one asked for that, especially not the three small children who are now crying and will never eat pizza again. You have your prescription. Now get out of here and leave us alone.

2. To the lady at the drive-thru ATM.

What in the hell can possibly be taking so long? Is this your first time at the rodeo? You’ve been there twenty minutes. Either you don’t have any money in your account or you are attempting to do something that this machine was not meant to do. And here’s a tip: Simply gazing in bovine wonder at the screen while scratching the side of your head will not make anything happen. This is not a psychic transaction. Punch some buttons!

3. To the gentleman with the flip-flops at the beer store.

Have you ever washed your feet in your entire life?

4. To the person driving the apparent Cadillac-sized stereo speaker beside me at the stoplight.

All we can hear is bass. Thumping, skull-crushing bass that is causing nearby buildings to collapse. How can you possibly be enjoying that? There cannot be any pleasure in pounding sounds that rattle your teeth. (On the plus side, hopefully the vibrations are so intense that it will affect your sperm count and you will be unable to reproduce.) And don’t think you’re all street and unidentifiable with those tinted windows. I am writing your tag number down. Because one day, if we elect the right people, it will be perfectly legal to have you thrown in jail for the rest of your life. I will find you.

5. To the couple in the booth behind us at Cheddar’s restaurant.

What are you doing back there that requires you to bounce so much? I’m getting a little tired of being shoved against the table, resulting in involuntary Heimlich maneuvers. I just want to eat my food in peace, without fear of you flipping this booth over and I die with my face mashed into a plate of cheese fries with extra bacon. If your annoying inability to sit still is the result of a medical condition, I apologize and will quietly fasten my seatbelt. But it’s probably not, and my hatred grows with each bounce.

6. To the elderly woman blocking the grocery store aisle.

I understand that you’ve lived a long life, and you’re tired. These things happen. But really, why is it necessary to turn your cart sideways, and then proceed to caress every single can of string beans on the shelf? They’re all the same. I could whip out a casserole before you can touch them all.
And when I clear my throat, don’t rub at your bad knee like the sound is coming from there. When I very politely say “Excuse me, could I get by?”, don’t turn and glare at me with a mixture of anger and fright like it’s the Dust Bowl again and I’ve come to take your land because Paw-Paw can’t pay for the pig feed. (“Granny, get your gun!”) Just move. That’s all I want in life.

7. To the person at the gas pump that I’m waiting to access.

I know that you are done with all the intricate steps required for you to fill your car with gasoline. Because I watched your slow ass do every one of those steps while three entire songs played on the radio, and you are back in your car. What are you doing now? Why are you not driving away? Is there an issue with the operation of the vehicle? And whatever you’re looking for in that glove box, it can’t be that important or you would know exactly where it is. Play treasure hunt later. The rest of the world needs to get on with things, even if you don’t.

8. To the people who order something on the menu, and then change everything about it.

“Yes, I’d like the blue-cheese bacon burger. But no pickle or lettuce. And no blue-cheese, because I’m allergic to dairy. And only one strip of bacon. Wait, is that free-range bacon? Oh, you don’t know what that means? Hmm. Okay, hold the bacon, too. And could you make that a turkey burger, with the bun on the side? And they’ll need to clean the grill first, because I don’t want any fat from other people’s burgers. I’m not doing red meat this month. What kind of mineral water do you have?"

Look, you hag, why didn’t you just order the vegetarian burger, hold everything? God.

9. To the person driving the piece-of-crap pickup on the highway, going only thirty miles an hour, causing a backup from here to Corpus Christi as we all glare at your inbred children drooling in the truck bed and count the empty beer cans as they plink off the broken tailgate and slam into our windshields.

Die.

10. To my therapist.

I think I might need to book a few extra sessions. So we can talk about my anger management situation. How about the entire month of August? Thanks.