Monday, July 26, 2010

Searching For Signal: #143 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 6

We start off really fast, with Russell and his minions dragging Sookie and Bill into his plantation house. (Something tells me there won’t be any mint juleps served.) Amid the commotion, Lorena comes running down the curving staircase, because people are doing things and she wants to be a part of it. Likewise, Eric races in from another room, where he was probably playing “Viking Death Match” on the XBOX.

Russell throws Bill on the Italian-marbled floor, making it clear that this is not a social event with pleasantries and dancing.

Bill, not enjoying having his face slide on the floor, fancy marble or whatever, leaps to his feet and kills one of the extras. He then jumps on Russell’s back, either intent on a rambunctious parlor game or bloody vengeance. Regardless, Russell merely belches, and Bill is slammed into the ceiling. (Russell: “I’m 3,000 years old! What were you thinking?)

Bill, spitting out plaster, screams to Eric. “Get Sookie out of here!”

Eric does not. Instead, after watching Sookie suddenly do some freaky dance move of unknown power, turns to Russell and says: “I don’t know what it is, but it’s quite valuable.”

Roll opening credits. Toothless. Skanky. Gospel. Happy dancing for Jesus.

Sookie screams at Eric: “I will never, ever forgive you for this!” Then she tussles with strange men in black.

Talbot, very unhappy about the damaged ceiling thing, makes disparaging comments about Russell, and then flees upstairs to find some soothing chiffon. Russell, excusing himself to go “save his marriage”, starts after him, but not before turning to Lorena. “Take Bill out to the stables and kill him.” Then he goes in search of queens with misplaced priorities.

Sookie to Lorena: “You kill him, I will kill YOU.”

Lorena to Sookie: “Bring it.” Or something like that. The baring of fangs is involved.

Cut to Merlotte’s, where some whiny diner is making life miserable for Arlene. The diner has just placed a meticulous food order two seconds before the restaurant closes. Sighing, and hating, Arlene marches up to Lafayette and Jesus at the pool table. “You have to cook. Chicken-fried steak. With extra gravy on the side.” Laff and Jesus scurry into the kitchen to do just that.

Meanwhile, Arlene is cutting fresh lemons for the bitchy dining patron with needs. The sight of blood causes Jessica’s fangs to pop. Arlene is not pleased.

Cut to Jason and Crystal still making whoopee by the lake. Crystal: “I ain’t no virgin.” Then she flips him over and straddles his nether region. Jason: “Don’t hurt me. Or not.” Crystal: “I ain’t into any pervert stuff.” (Then honey, you might be in the wrong town.) Jason: “I meant, don’t break my heart.” Awww. But this only causes Crystal to get all sad. Then she sniffs something in the air, and proclaims “Gotta go. This can’t happen, it’s too dangerous.”


Sookie and Eric, some random room at the plantation. Sookie: So this business about you caring for me was all crap. Eric: “You mean NOTHING to me. Do NOT get in my way.” Then Russell wanders in, buckling his pants. (I guess Talbot was treated to something better than chiffon.) Russell orders Eric out, then “Tell me what you are.” Sookie: “I’m a waitress.” Russell: “Don’t try my patience.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where the cranky diner is still eating and complaining. Arlene just wants to go, concerned that her kids have been left with Terry too long. (I would be, too.) But uh oh, Jessica informs her that Laff is already gone, off to play with Jesus. Meaning Arlene is ALONE with Jessica. Arlene clutches the cross around her neck. “This cross is GOLD!”

Jessica rolls her eyes, marches over to Hateful Helen still munching in her booth, glamors her to leave all her money on the table, and then proceed to the Ladies’ Room. The diner does just that, and then Jessica slips into said bathroom and finally gets her own dinner. Arlene, clueless, is nonetheless very pleased with her tip.

Lafayette and Jesus, parked on some Lover’s Lane and making googly eyes, learning a bit about each other. Eventually, Jesus asks for just a kiss. (“No sex on the first date. Gives us something to look forward to.” How sweet.)

Russell and Sookie, with Russell fiddling with a fire poker in a menacing way. Russell: “Are you going to answer my questions?” Sookie: “I’ll answer one, then you answer one.” They discuss the telepath thing, which basically gets nowhere, then Sookie wants to know if Lorena is going to kill Bill. (Quentin Tarantino suddenly starts paying attention, off in some bunker, plotting his next movie.) Russell: She’ll take her time, but yes. Sookie: Please stop her. (I’m thinking Sookie doesn’t fully comprehend her place in the chain of command.)

Russell pulls out the supposed file that Bill was keeping on her bloodline. She doesn’t care. Russell: What’s up with the electrical discharge flying out of your hands? Sookie: No clue. Russell: “You really don’t know anything, do you?”

Lorena in the stable, with Bill shirtless and chained to the floor. Lorena: “I do miss the 1930’s.” Bill makes disparaging remarks to indicate that Lorena is a bitch. Perhaps not his best move. She takes a scalpel thing and slices down his chest, then cuts her own skanky self, mixing the blood. “I will be inside you now.” Bill, finally realizing that bitterness might not be the best option, says “I wish I could have known you before you were turned. I would have liked to seen you smile with light in your eyes, not darkness.” Which is pretty romantic, really. Lorena, crying, slashes his face with the scalpel.

Guess that didn’t work.

Cut to Franklin and Tara, with her still tied to whatever bed they are in. She’s still playing her “pretend that I love him” card, straining against her bonds to kiss him with mediocre passion. Franklin stupidly mentions that Sookie is in da house. This just lights more of a fire under Tara, and not in the way he envisions. She asks him to untie her, so they can make beasty love. He does, and they transgress, with him proclaiming “Bite me. Open me up!”

Tara: “You don’t have to ask me twice.” Then she rips half his neck off with her teeth. This is not the Disney Channel.

Talbot and Eric are playing cards, with Talbot revealing that he and Russell have been together for 700 years. (Good God. Can you imagine how much they must be on each other’s nerves by now?) Russell comes marching up, tossing Sookie to some more men in black standing around. “Lock her up and get the car ready.” He turns to Eric. “Come with me.”

Talbot, left out of the party once again, wails and rushes off somewhere to commiserate with something pretty. Russell tells Eric: “We’re going to go see an old friend of yours.” (Cleopatra?)

The men in black toss Sookie into the room that once held Bill. (I guess they got that bed fixed, eh?) Sookie bursts into tears, because that seems to be her go-to reaction lately. Then she gets a mind-read of Tara. “I will find you. We leave in the morning.”

Shot of messy Tara on a bed, belching a bit of blood while Franklin slumbers behind her. That girl is going to have issues from now on.

Russell and Eric in the car. Russell: “What is your relationship to Miss Stackhouse?” Eric: “I do not get attached to humans.” (Yeah, right.) Russ: “Lorena says you killed one of my werewolves.” (Oops.) Eric: “In self-defense.” Then Russell goes off on a history lesson, babbling about the wolves protecting him forever, how he gives them blood and all. Wasn’t it nice when humans didn’t smell like car exhaust? Eric: “I remember EVERYTHING. Wait, wasn’t that our exit back there?”

Laff and Jesus are at Laff’s subdued (not) house, with Jesus explaining that the little figurines he has decorated with are actually very powerful beings, and that he must make sacrifices and such. This revelation makes Laff horny and they start kissing again.

Suddenly, sounds of destruction from outside. Jesus and Mary race to investigate, and find drunken rednecks getting all Carrie Underwood on Laff’s fancy car. During the brawling and the yelling, which the rednecks lose, Jesus learns about Laff’s part-time business. Jesus: “You’re a drug dealer? You sell V? Take me back to my car.”

Well, then. Their relationship lasted less then twenty-fours hours. Just like that weird Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett thing from back in the day.

We’re at the Louisiana Queen’s house (Sophie Anne? Something like that.), with her playing with lotto tickets and reminding us that she has red hair. Russell waltzes in with a flower and proposes marriage. Apparently not for the first time. Sophie: “I’ve turned you down countless times.” Discussion ensues, harsh words are exchanged, and Russell finally yells “You are NO queen.” And Russell should know, right?

To make things more exciting, Eric storms in and tackles Sophie, slamming her to the ground. (Her jewelry is still pretty, though.) Eric renounces his allegiance to the Queen. The Queen refuses to release him. (Was there an issue with the paperwork?) Eric, who is apparently much older than Sophie and therefore can do this, decides to just kill her. Russell stops him. Not sure why.

Eric sidles up to Russell and basically caresses him, (which is odd, what‘s going on with THAT?), then he goes to “restrain the queen”. Russell wanders off to find somebody else to marry him.

Cut to the horse stable, where it appears that Lorena has used every surgical cutting device known to man on Bill. He’s still alive, though, and feisty. They continue to argue while Lorena occasionally licks her some Bill off of one of the implements. Bill thinks she’s too wicked and mean. She begs to differ, adding some oregano to her snack. Bill: “I welcome death. I will finally be free of the disease that is YOU.”

Just then, Cooter and some tramp bust through the door, thinking that Lorena should be done playing death doctor by now and wanting the left-overs. Lorena: “Suck whatever’s left.” And they do, in an extended scene which shows that these two actors have spent far too much time imagining what they would do if they could just eat a vampire.

Now we’re at Sam’s house, with he and Tommy watching some crap on TV. (The left-wingers just want equal rights. The right-wingers don’t because then they can‘t feel superior. Blah. Blah.) Sam: What’s the deal with Joe Lee? Tommy: I just hate him. Sam: There’s something messed up going on here and we’re gonna talk about it.

Sam and Tommy’s mom shows up with a big pan of fritters, because that’s just what you do in small towns. Mommy Beeriest would like to speak with her youngest alone, so Sam runs off to put the fritters on the lunch menu, because you also do THAT in small towns. Then Mommy slaps Tommy. Oh?

She mad. Joe Lee has stayed by her side all these years, while she did something mysterious to make ends meet. Now her back is out of whack, so it’s Tommy’s turn to bring home the bacon. Or the fritters, whatever they are using for currency in this place. “Sam won’t help us once he knows the truth!”

Why do I have the feeling that the truth involves either questionable sexual activities and/or a surplus of toothless people handling snakes?

Back to the plantation, where we see Bloody Tara slip out of Franklin’s bed, grab a mace thing off the wall (how convenient!) and wallop the hell out of Franklin. Blood everywhere while Tara wears a white gown. (Just like that movie “Carrie!” Only without Sissy Spacek. Or Piper Laurie, Or, I don’t know, anybody we actually know.) Tara, satisfied that Franklin will not be making the wedding, or anything, tomorrow night, grabs her clothes and skedaddles.

Jason drives up to some shack, then goes to the door whilst lugging a bouquet of flowers. Some ugly yokel answers. Jason inquires if Miss Crystal is taking gentleman callers at the moment. She ain’t. She glares at Jason. “Who are you? Leave me and my fiance alone!” She mean. Jason, totally confused, scampers away. Why is nobody allowed to have healthy relationships on this show?

Tara again, approaching the guard outside Sookie’s door, bellowing some story about feeding Sookie almonds so she’ll taste better because Talbot said so. The guard lets her in, so she and Sookie beat him to death with a handy vase. Then they run. These people are getting a lot of exercise this episode.

Over to Merlotte’s, where Lafayetta is mean to Arlene because Jesus has forsaken him, Sam is looking for Tommy, and Arlene wants to know why his family gets to have pets and she doesn’t. Something about seeing a pit bull over at Nasty Daddy and Trashy Momma’s rent house. This bit of news causes Sam to run out the door, and he finds that Tommy is missing from Sam’s house. Uh oh. We knew that boy was trouble.

Quick scene with Sookie and Tara, running for freedom. Sookie wants to save Bill, of course, but Tara doesn’t think he’s all that anymore, especially since he was fine with Franklin tying her up and making her wear dowdy nightwear. They part ways.

Merlotte’s again, where Sam is quizzing Acting Chief Andy about any dog fights that might be going on. Seems Andy did hear something about that going on over to the Humpandrun Parish. Sam jumps in his car, ensures his trusty gun is in the glove box, blows a kiss at himself in the mirror, and then tears down the road, nearly running Jason and his vehicle into a tree.

Jason, because he’s distracted very easily, forgets where he was going and instead decides to harass some couple he sees playing slap and tickle in another car. Turns out the couple is that cocky high-school quarterback and some floozy with a squeaky voice. Jason pretends that he’s issuing the boy a citation for “lewd behavior”, which in Jason’s book means slam the perp onto the hood of the car. (The floozy screams a lot, because she understands succeeding in the acting world is all about upstaging.) We don’t like the quarterback, so we’re fine with the senseless brutality in principle, but what is UP with Jason?

Sookie is approachins the Stable of Blood and Knives, when the door suddenly flies open. Cooter and Snatchetta race out, all high and stuff from their Bill binge. They trippin’, acting all ate up with the dumbass and having visions. Sookie mutters “Trash!” and then heads inside.

Tara is still running like the wind when she suddenly spies a wolf. This could turn ugly. Luckily, it doesn’t, because this time it’s really Alcide. He transitions back, meaning he’s all naked as he approaches Tara. Alcide: “I’m lookin’ for Sookie.” Tara: “You got a car?” Notice she doesn’t ask “you got some pants?”. He fine.

Final scene, Sookie’s in the stable, hovering over Bloody Bill on the floor. “Say something. Don’t be dead! Not after everything we’ve been through!” She wrinkles her face and stuff, pleading and showing her torment by wringing her hands and lovingly touching his manly chest. Bill’s eyes pop open. He’s alive! Yay!

Then Lorena appears, throws Sookie against the wall in a very rude manner, snarls “This is all your fault!”, and then proceeds to go all Donner Party on Sookie’s neck. Sookie, never one to let anyone else have the last word in a scene, starts screaming and emoting unkind thoughts about Lorena’s antisocial behavior. But at least Sookie’s hair looks pretty in the firelight.

Roll end credits.

1 comment:

  1. this episode was one of the great episode of true blood so we should check this out. we should watch true blood season 3 episode 7 online free to this site now.