Thursday, July 29, 2010

Searching For Signal: #144 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 9

We have the typical review of the last episode (nothing new) and then a round of Diary Room appearances:

Rachel: Totally thrilled about she and Brendon not getting nominated. Oh wait, there’s that backdoor thing, isn’t there? Hmmm. Her enthusiasm dwindles and her hair goes flat.

Andrew: Whines about being a pawn. Still does not achieve any level of charisma or awareness about the fact that people don’t necessarily care for him.

Hayden: “Matty nominated two floaters! What the hell?” Then one of the production assistants politely asks him to shove the hair out of his eyes and actually face the camera.

Kathy: “Matty’s nominations don’t make sense!” Neither do your creepy spider eyelashes. I think that makes it a draw.

Matt: I’m playing to win! Crickets chirp.

Scene with Andrew in the swamp room, wandering around aimlessly and talking to himself. He says the word “stupid” at least 30 times. Did somebody turn on “Rain Man” while I went to the bathroom?

Rachel and Brendon in one of the bedrooms, smooching away, celebrating their temporary safety, and figuring out who is going to be on top this time. Andrew, because he has some twisted radar going on, bursts through the door and interrupts them.

Kathy goes to Matt. “Can we chat?” They wander up to the HOH Room. Kathy: “I’m not gunning for you at all.” (Um, what about that vote to send him home?) Matt: “Then win Power of Veto. I don’t care.” Kathy: Seriously, I’m not gunning for you. Then she blinks, and the amount of mascara flakes dropping downward causes foundation issues for the house.

Matt in the Diary Room: “I don’t believe her at all.”

Hayden finds Andrew in one of the rooms, with Kristen trailing along because she can’t let her boyfriend out of her sight even though they are supposedly on the down-low. Both of them to Andrew: “We had no idea” that Matt was going to nominate you. “We are shocked!” Andrew pouts and mutters words of suffering. Hayden: “If I win POV, I will pull you off.”

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I want to backdoor Brendon.” Production assistant: Hayden, seriously dude, look at the camera. Do you even know what that is?

Weird sequence of scenes where Andrew completely loses it because Rachel put peaches in the iced tea, meaning that the “Have-nots” can’t drink it. (Okay, I don’t really know the rules here with the Slop People, nor do I see the appeal of peaches in my iced tea, but can’t Andrew just brew another batch and put a “No Fruit!” warning label on it?) Andrew goes off into the swamp room and starts making loud, primal noises. Kathy, probably because she recognizes the guttural noises from her childhood in Texarkana when the Bogey Creek monster was running amok, runs to the swamp room to check on him. He whines, she comforts, I worry about their mutual sanity.

Andrew in the Diary Room: He’s all for an alliance with Brendon, but he’s very much against the tag-along Rachel with her annoying laugh, fondness for Clairol and peaches, and whip-lash hair that can cut you to ribbons.

The Brigade is sitting on the patio, once again being very obvious about their secret alliance. The three non-Mensa members are quizzing Matty. Are you going to backdoor Rachel or Brendon or what? Matty has this mystifying thing to say: “It’s obvious what’s going on.” No, it’s not. If you want both of them gone, you should have put one up on the block initially and then backdoor the other, if needed. Do I need to call Mensa and have them review your file?

Matt in the Diary Room: “Now the plan is to backdoor Rachel or Brendon.” Then he congratulates himself once again, for being smarter than anybody, ever.

Scenes of Andrew vacuuming every square inch of the house, followed by scenes of the houseguests making fun of Andrew wanting to be neat and tidy. (Enzo: “He’s cleaning stuff that’s already clean!”) Yes, Andrew seems overly obsessed. On the flip side, based on the piles of debris and nastiness stacked about the house, the rest of the people in here are total pigs.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. Matt draws Brendon, Kathy draws Lane, and Andrew draws Rachel. I bust out laughing as the Brigade members squirm and cry over the strong possibility that Brendon or Rachel could win and keep the nominations the same, thus saving their butts.

Scene with Matt in the Diary Room, whining about this development.

Scene with Matt and Lane in the HOH Room, whining about this development. Lane, blue about the roadblocks the Brigade has faced: “We can’t get jack crap done.” (There’s a Texas phrase for you.”) Lane: “Gimme some pop rocks.” Then we get to hear him crunching on this candy for an amazingly long period of time. And that right there, folks, explains a lot.

Quick scene with Matt and Andrew in the pantry, with Andrew really worried about how things are shaping up. Luckily, Matt does not fondle any random fruit in a suggestive manner.

HOH Room with the Brigade members. (What the hell is that thing on Enzo’s head?) They are all bummed that the POV competition might be something scientific, since Rachel and Brendon are both scientists, or at least that’s what they’ve told us. The pity party is interrupted when Enzo spies Andrew on the HOH monitors that survey the house. “Hey, it’s Kosher Cable!” Lane: “I didn’t know the Jews wore Ninja outfits when they pray.”

We’re such a tolerant society, right?

Then we have a montage of Lane talking about guns. As he explains in various scenes, Texans need guns on hand at any moment. “We might be bored that day and wanna go shoot a turtle.” Oh, and he talks about Texans getting drunk, piling in a truck, turning on the hi-beams, and then driving through random fields, shooting anything that looks at them. It’s a shining moment for the Lone Star State. Not.

Time for the Veto Competition.

Enzo waltzes out in a genie outfit with billowing pantaloons. (“Enzo Hammer!” screams an exuberant, and probably drunk, houseguest.) They pile out to the courtyard, where there are various items placed about in an odd county-fair type of theme. (Lane: “It looked like a smarter version of a redneck carnival in Texas.” Lane, are you trying to destroy the reputation of your state in a single episode?)

As the six contestants circle about the yard, trying to determine what’s important and what’s not, Britney hollers at Matt: “Count the candles!”, referring to one of the displays. Okay, wait. If you’re not playing the game, you’re supposed to keep your mouth shut, and just sit there, hoping the camera catches you at an appealing angle and you can get a modeling contract. Why isn’t Julie Chenbot or one of the producers rushing out and putting a muzzle on Britney? Even if she’s NOT doing anything.

Anyway, Enzo is going to ask questions about the various displays. The answer is always going to be an amount, and you can decide to stay or fold once everyone has bid. If you stay, and your bid is the most shockingly wrong, you are eliminated. In the first round, Matt wins but Lane goes down. In the second, Andrew wins but Matt goes down.

Brendon in the Diary Room: So what you have at this point is “the two people who don’t wanna go home against the two people who don’t wanna go home.” True dat.

The third round goes to Brendon, with Kathy booted. (She never had a chance, poor thing can’t count even though you know she has ticket quotas being a police officer and all.) The fourth round goes to Andrew by default, with no booting. The fifth round goes to Brendon by default. Andrew and Brendon have two points each, and you need three to win.

And we cut to commercial. Really not caring for this bogus extending of the drama. Don’t jack with the pacing, people. If I wasn’t blogging this damn thing, I don’t know that I would come back after the shilling for feminine hygiene products. Are you listening, CBS? Probably not.

Boring commercial run, with two of the adverts being for “Big Brother”, and both of them including shots of Kathy slipping off the big wiener. I think we can put that to rest now.

We come back, and Brendon takes the next round, giving him POV. In the Diary Room, he expounds that “Brenchel” is taking over. Okay, here’s the deal. I was totally in your corner until you came up with that stupid team name. Now, not so much.

Then we have Brendon and Rachel in yet another abandoned room, with Rachel doing her trademark “jump and straddle” maneuver on Brendon. Again. I’m trying to pull for you two, but you’ve got to stop with this aerobic sex thing. Not really grooving on it.

Brendon to Rachel, as they frolic and flip: “We have to make sure that Andrew stays.”

Cut to Andrew in the swamp room, banging on something and muttering to himself. Really, you want to save THIS?

The Brigade in the HOH Room. (Side note: Why is the rest of the house not noticing that these same four guys keep piling into said HOH Room every five minutes? And that they all sit side-by-side on the couches when meetings and such are taking place? You people have tremendous amounts of downtime every day. Pay attention.)

Anyway, the Brigade members are fussing about the sorry state of affairs, since it’s fairly clear that they can’t get Rachel and Brendon out this week. During the whole discussion, Matty has one hand shoved into his shorts, massaging his ego. Enzo is wearing some dumb-ass turquoise feather boa jacket thing. It’s time for this group to implode.

Brendon and Andrew in the swamp room, with the night-vision cameras going on. Andrew is all pumped, wanting “to do something to shake up the house.” But don’t let Rachel know. And tomorrow, stay away from me.

Sigh. It’s Andrew. This could go anywhere.

Time for the Veto Ceremony, and the “Save Me” speeches.

Kathy: Brendon, I’m not even going to ask you to use the Veto on me. That would mean risking Rachel. (Wow, somebody telling the truth for once. I’m sure the producers wet themselves.)

Andrew: He goes off on some weird-ass tangent about Rachel and Brendon, and Matty, being in a twisted game of power plays, and that threats somehow get you further in the game. Then he starts bellowinn. “Brendon and Rachel, I’m coming after you!”, followed by “Brendon, give me the Power of Veto!” This mixed message is totally off the wall.

THIS is shaking up the house? Good God.

Brendon, of course, does not use the Power.

And then we end with another round of Diary Room blathering.

Andrew: The house will like me better for appearing to be against Rachel and Brendon. (No, they will think you are off your meds.)

Kathy: This just might save me. (And you just might be right.)

Britney: WHAT was that? (For once, I’m back in your corner.)

Rachel: He’s such a hater! (Oh grow up.)

Brendon: It was risky, but I think we pulled it off. (I don’t know about that. Your special boy is kinda crazy.)

Matt: No one’s gonna believe Andrew. (He congratulates himself for his ability to breathe, then he strokes his ego.)

Roll end credits.

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