Searching For Signal: #157 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 19

And, Julie’s here, wearing a nice k.d. lang-tribute pantsuit and enough necklaces that she should easily be able to hog-tie something at a rodeo. She’s brimming with news and irritating energy. “Matt has the Diamond Power of Veto and he’s going to need it! Get ready for the biggest night of blindsides the game has ever seen! I clearly had several glasses of wine before tonight’s broadcast and I can’t stop grinning!”

Quick review of the last episode (Ragan cries, The Brigade continues to not really know what they are doing, Rachel terrorizes the planet and still doesn’t understand why nobody wants to exchange friendship bracelets, Kathy falls off the balance beam, this time a real one) and then Announcer Guy also babbles about the Diamond Power of Veto.

Time for us to just use that Power of Madonna Veto thing. Getting a wee bit tired of hearing about it. Sayin.

Julie again. Guess what she talks about? Yep.

Oh, and she also warns us that you can never underestimate the power of the pretzel. (Did this just become a cooking show?) But I assume she’s talking about Rachel’s snack message. (Really, Rachel, you couldn’t find a piece of paper and a pen somewhere in that house?)

We start the new stuff right after Brendon puts Matt on the block as a replacement. (Matt’s hoodie is zipped up and not showing his chest for once, so I guess that’s his way of appearing sad even though we all know he’s got that Diamond Shaft somewhere handy.) So of course everybody runs to the Diary Room.

Lane: “It sucks! Matt is the enemy.” (My head might be big but it’s totally empty! Yay!)

Brendon: “When Matt walks through the door of the jury house, Rachel is going to know that I love her.” (Okay, that’s it, I’ve run out of words to show my astonishment at Brendon’s blind devotion to a really bad drag queen.)

Matt: “I have the Diamond Power of Veto!” (Really? OMG! Who knew?) “I can pull myself off!” (Oh my.) “And name the replacement!”

Enzo: What is this room for? Oh yeah. “I trust Lane more than Matty.”

Ragan, alone in the Swamp Room, feeling blue about Matt maybe going home, especially because his wife has that non-existent bone disease, makes himself hold back the tears. “I’m crying too much!” Yes, you are, Rachel.

Ragan and Matt on the deck in the courtyard, with Ragan saying “you HAVE to stay!” Matt plays up the sadness about his situation. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I can’t say anything. Poor guy.”) Matt also picks slop out of his teeth, which was a treasure to watch. Then he winks at the camera.

Matt, Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry Room. (Nobody fondles any fruit this time, in case you are keeping track of such things.) Matt: Would you guys tell me if you’re going against me on Thursday? Hayden and Enzo: Oh yeah, sure. We tight.

Matt in the Diary Room: Having the Diamond Ring is kind of fun because it lets me find out things. If I see that Hayden and Enzo vote against me, I might just find a new alliance. (Dude, I have been saying this since Day 3. Why aren’t you taking my messages? Do you have me blocked?)

Hayden tells Matt about Rachel getting creative with the food in the HOH Room and spelling out Matt’s name. Matt: How do you know? Hayden (looking like a total bum whacked out on Strawberry Hill): Kathy told us. This makes Matty mad. Why didn’t Kathy tell ME! Total betrayal! Replacement nominee?

Lane, Hayden and Enzo meet near the swimming pool, with Lane floating around like he’s not sure how he got in the water, Hayden picking at his toes, and Meow-Meow looking around for his litter box. Lane: Matty talked to you yet? Enzo: We’re not voting for him. We’re voting for you. Then Enzo coughs up a hairball.

Lane in the Diary Room: I only need three votes. I’ve got Hayden and Enzo, and I think I can get Britney. Because she likes it when I make her airborne.

Matt and Enzo in the Swamp Room, listening to the faded echoes of Ragan crying all the time. Matt pushes for Enzo’s vote, using the fake wife illness again. Enzo’s a little squirmy, and Matt notices this. Probably because Matt is lying where he can look up Enzo’s shorts.

Matt in the Diary Room: What Enzo is basically saying is “Can I kick you out of the house and make sure you still vote for me in the end? I may put Enzo up as a replacement nominee.

Jules again: Ragan’s final Saboteur thingy could be the difference between who stays and who goes.

Oh?

Ragan is called to the Diary Room so he can pick his next secret bit of deviltry. He decides on leaving a note in the house that says “I know your secret.” A bit later, he slips the note under Enzo’s pillow. He finds it and shows it to Kathy, who is sleeping in a nearby bed with a monkey. (Apparently it’s really hard to find good men after 40.)

Enzo runs out and gathers up Hayden, Lane, Ragan, Britney and Matty. (He says “Yo, the Saboteur struck!” enough times that I want to join Britney in her constant urge to hurl.) They all pile into the daybed room, and Enzo holds court. He’s kind of suspicious that Kathy made his bed, an obvious sign of evil.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The sherrif is the Saboteur. Give me a Scooby snack.”

Back to the daybed room, where now they are all thinking of sure signs that Kathy is the Saboteur. She makes beds. She throws competitions. She wears mascara. It’s got to be her.

Matt in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled with this talk about Kathy, because if he puts her up when he uses the Cubic Zirconia Power of Veto, they will be happy it’s her.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled that no one suspects HIM of being the Saboteur. And that the Lifetime Channel was invented. I’m $20,000 richer.

Jules talks to the houseguests. To Britney: How’d you like Rachel coming back? It was crazy! To Ragan: Any regrets about getting into it with jury-member Rachel? Nope. To Lane: If you could have your mother send you one thing? Muscle milk. (What the hell?) This scares Julie and she moves on.

She takes a vote. Who believes the Saboteur is still in the house? Everybody raises their hands. Jules: I can guarantee that the Saboteur is sitting among you at this very moment. But their reign of terror is officially over. Back in a bit!

Commercials. Are you depressed? Take pills.

Jules: Lane and Britney’s flirtations have their small hometowns buzzing. Then we get to meet lots of country folk. And see Britney ride on Lane’s back while he does pushups. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Time to Vote.

Julie asks the nominees to do their “save me” thing. Matt first.

Well, then, it’s finally time for the Diamond Anniversary Veto. Matt slams Brendon, calls him a big dummy, and then whips out his special treasure. Sadly, right at this triumphant moment, the stupid fake diamond ring falls off the cheap-ass ribbon. (That sound you hear is somebody in the BB prop department being fired.) But anyway, he uses it, and Julie confirms the authenticity of the broken veto. She tells the folks that he got it for opening Pandora’s box, and now he gets to name a replacement.

Using my special jaw-dropping measurement device, I’ll tag Britney as the most surprised. Brendon just sits there and doesn’t seem to quite understand what is going on.

Matt nominates Kathy. (That sound you hear is a wimp not using a great opportunity.)

Julie now asks for the “save me” speeches AGAIN.

Lane: You are my second family. I have nothing bad to say about Kathy. Good luck.

Kathy: I love everybody. I kept my integrity. I’m not going to lie, cheat or steal. If that gets me kicked out, so be it.

And we vote. Almost everybody is screaming and jumping as they do so, thrilled to vote for Kathy. It’s unanimous.

Julie breaks the news. Kathy is very gracious (“Be good to each other”) and then has to tromp out of the house without her bag, because how was she supposed to know to pack? Poor thing.

Exit interview.

Julie: What’s going on in that head of yours? (Oh, Julie, you need to be careful.) Kathy: I didn’t have a chance to fight. (True, don’t really care for it when they do this. Not fair.) Julie: Why did Matt put you up? Kathy: He’s closer to the other people in the house. Julie: Surprised by unanimous? Kathy: No. The house always votes together. I’m the only one who votes the way I want to. (And you have to give her that. She did what she wanted to do.)

Time for the HOH Competition.

Julie tells us that “yesterday, BB put a twist on Simon Says” called, no surprise, “Big Brother says”. We see scenes of the houseguests reacting to the Announcer Guy instructing them to do weird things. (“Big Brother says go into the backyard, get down on your knees, and howl at the moon.” They do.) This goes on for a while, with plenty of quirky activities, but one thing I notice is that with each announcement, not everybody is playing along. Hmmm. What were the missing people doing that they couldn’t stop and join the fun?

Anyway, live again, we go to the backyard and the competition starts. Julie will read quotes from the “Big Brother Says“ thing, and the houseguests must decide if the quote is true or false. Answer wrong, and you’re gone.

Houseguests drop, and it comes down to Enzo and Britney. (Not kidding, Enzo makes it this far.) But Britney wins. We watch everybody pretend to be really happy for her, then we go back to the studio

Julie: Britney will get to nominate two people for eviction. But she will not be the only one to hold power next week. Stay tuned!

Oh God.

Commercials. Have you not eaten anything fattening today? Here’s some ideas.

Julie talks to the houseguests in the Couch Room. It’s boring, so nothing to report. Julie dismisses them to go round up all the empty mascara tubes in the house now that Kathy is gone. (That sound you hear is a dump truck being fired up.)

Then Julie tells us that next Thursday will be a double eviction, where they cram a full week of activity into one hour. Great. Somebody else will be going home with no chance to save themselves.

We end with a peek at the houseguests reacting to tonight’s surprising turn of events. This mostly consists of Brendon just standing there and waiting to be nominated.

Roll credits.

Searching For Signal: #156 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 18

We start with a quick review of the mayhem from the last episode (people crying in the swamp room, Lane playing “brother” and tossing about “sister” Britney like a rag doll as they both giggle and pretend that this has nothing to do with lust, and some revealing documentary footage that Kathy is unable to close her eyes at night after 40 years of mascara abuse). Oh, and the Announcer guy says “The Brigade got hit with a grenade” (Lane’s nomination), meaning even the BB producers are using that dumb-ass Brigade slogan. Blech.

Then we get to the new stuff, right after Ragan and Lane were put on the block, and we have a round of Diary Room confessions.

Ragan: “I am devastated. I am having a full-blown meltdown.” (Girl, you have those with simple things like people not putting the toothpaste cap back on tight enough.)

Lane: “I don’t know why I’m up.” (This does not surprise me, Lane. You’re confused by breakfast cereals.)

Brendon: “Lane is a pawn, Ragan is the target. But neither of them has had to fight to stay in this game.” (Which is totally stupid, making it personal instead of strategic. Say, Brendon, do you often have breakfast with Lane?)

Britney: “I think Brendon has a bigger plan. He’s not after Ragan or Lane.” (This would be an interesting thought if we weren’t talking about Brendon. After all, he hasn’t been thinking clearly since he was first caressed by the billowing synthetic fibers in Rachel’s hair extensions.)

Then we have Ragan in the Swamp Room, crying and talking to himself. “This is my opportunity to shine.” Then he blows his nose with enough force to create a tsunami, which is now headed to a poor Far Eastern country where nobody has flood insurance and the houses are made out of wax paper.

Brendon and Lane, chatting. Brendon: “You’re not the target. And if Ragan wins Power of Veto, Matt or Britney goes home.”

Time to pick players for the Power of Veto Competition. Brendon draws Enzo, Ragan gets Kathy (cue laugh track), and Lane, with a “Houseguest’s Choice” draw, picks Hayden. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I win, I’m safe.” Then I guess you’ll have to go with Plan B, because you seem unable to win squat.)

Quick scene with Ragan pouting in the Diary Room, because it’s just not FAIR that he might get sent home before he can finish his two weeks as The Saboteur. Interesting that you should bring that up, Ragan. Because really, all we’re seeing is Darth Vader videos, and nothing where you have to actually sneak about the house and do actual work. Explain to me again why you even deserve the $20,000? Just wondering.

Then we have some weird robot thing coming out of the Diary Room and telling the slumbering houseguests to “wake up”, and then making fun of them, because he’s the “Zingbot 3000” or some such. It’s pretty stupid, and this is one of those shame-filled moments when I realize that my life could be better spent doing anything other than watching this mess.

Oh, but the robot is also going to host the Veto Competition, so I guess he does serve some obscure purpose. Everybody tromps out to the courtyard, and we learn that this game involves carrying puzzle pieces across a balance beam and a spinning disc thing, and then assembling 4 puzzles that spell out “VETO”. And if you fall off at any point, you’re eliminated. Ready, go!

Right away, Kathy: “I’m taking my time on this one.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “You’re taking your time on this one? Oh, on THIS one. Okay. Because it’s not a race or anything.” Britney really is funny, when she’s not spending her time lacerating everyone around her with negative whining. And Monet getting the boot has actually calmed Britney down a little bit.

Diary Room moments for both Ragan and Lane, both of them doing the “gotta win” spiel and crossing their fingers. Yes, we know you need to win. But we don’t need to hear you say that 46 times in one episode.

Kathy in the Diary Room, complaining about the spinning disc part of the competition, accompanied by shots of her gingerly maneuvering across the disc without any urgency at all: “I don’t even ride the Ferris wheels at the carnival.” Well, it may not have been the Ferris wheel, but you’ve clearly ridden something. For a very long time.

Shots of Brendon obviously looking at Ragan doing the puzzles, and thereby cheating. He’s such a good sport.

Kathy is the first to fall and is eliminated. This is a total surprise and everyone is stunned. Not.

In the end, Ragan wins, meaning Brendon will have to name a replacement nominee. (Ragan in the Diary Room: This means, one, that I get to stay, and two, that I’m going to get the $20,000 for being The Saboteur. Yay! And three, I’m still wondering what Ragan really did that justifies that $20K. Maybe I’m just bitter.)

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I still have Britney and Matt” to put up. (Again, why are they your focus?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “Now I have to talk to the Neanderthal again.” (Again, sucking up is intrinsic to this game. I know you got the BB handbook. Use it.)

Lane: “We can’t have anyone in The Brigade going up against me.” (Well, since it’s quickly coming to the point where The Brigade will be the only people in the house, it’s bound to happen. Not happy that your little Brigade has slid under the radar so far, but it will be fun to watch you four tear at each other when it comes down to that.)

Cut to commercials. Can we get a moratorium on the BB advertisement where Monet (I think) screams “It’s party time. Yeah!” Sick of that.

Britney, Ragan and Matty in the Swamp Room. They basically agree that Kathy is the one that should go up on the block and then home. Then Matt wanders out to get some slop. Ragan turns to Britney and goes into full Bette Davis mode: Neither Matt nor I will ever screw you over. “I love you!” Then he starts sobbing. Britney, startled and not sure what to do, jabs herself in the eye with a finger so she can squeeze out a tear.

Hayden and Enzo, somewhere. Enzo: “If Matt goes home, it’s better for us.” Then they grip each other in places that you probably shouldn’t grip if you’re not in a relationship. Hayden in the Diary Room: He basically wants Matt out, because he wins stuff.

Brendon wanders into the HOH Room, where the Pandora’s box has been activated again, tempting him. He reads the letter about something good OR bad happening to the house if he accepts, but then he sees a video with Rachel splashing water on herself and he’s gone. “I choose most definitely” to open the box. (I’m thinking he’s already done that, but I digress.) Once he activates Pandora, he goes inside the secret chamber and finds another envelope.

“You get a 24-hour rest from the game,” shipped off to a nice vacation spot. “I get to see Rachel!” he proclaims, and wanders out a door on the other side of the chamber.

Back in the house, the doorbell rings. Everybody scampers to see who it is, and it’s Rachel. “I’m back, bitches!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “I wanted to throw up on myself.” Have you ever noticed how many things make Brit want to hurl? Perhaps she should see somebody about that.) Rachel: “Somebody opened Pandora’s box and I’m here for 24 hours.”

Then she immediately gets into a shouting match with Ragan. For the record, she started it. After they spar for a bit, Rachel runs up to the HOH Room, fully expecting to find her honey, Brendon. The door is locked. Hmmm.

Downstairs, Britney thinks that Brendon has been locked in Pandora’s box for an equal 24 hours. Good call, but not quite right. Rachel tromps back down the spiral staircase, and goes after Ragan again, with this round ending in Ragan spitting: “Count your friends in this house. Done already?”

And then they fight some more. Ragan asks “Ray-tress” to bring him a cocktail, then offers this: “You could have been decent, but you came in just like you left.”

This is not going to be a pleasant day in the life, just sayin’.

Then Rachel throws out this, which marks her for extinction in my book: “Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you’re gay?”

Oh, no she didn’t.

Ragan: “No, it’s because you’re a horrible person.”

And this goes on and on and ON. Ragan is actually very sharp and witty with his responses, while Rachel basically flips her hair and refuses to accept the fact that she might be out of line. (Rachel: “I’ll make every minute of the 24 hours miserable for you!”)

Now, the thing that bugs me the most about this extended confrontation? That nobody else in the house has Ragan’s back during the mess. Rachel is out of her mind with mean vindictiveness, yet they all look the other way. Because Rachel’s on the jury? Please. That girl ain’t votin’ for nobody except Brendon. She’s a lost cause. So you people not coming to Ragan’s defense are just pathetic.

Really don’t like the people in the house this season.

Later, Matt discovers that the HOH Room is now unlocked. So everybody thunders up there to see what’s going on. Close-up of Rachel pounding on the Pandora door and begging for Brendon to come out.

Cut to Brendon at the “vacation house”, wandering around and calling Rachel’s name. Eventually he finds a card explaining that “Rachel’s enjoying her vacation somewhere else”. Brendon: At least she’s having a nice time wherever she is. Then his clueless ass jumps in the pool and splashes around.

Back at the BB house, Rachel stomps out to the courtyard and proceeds to torment Ragan about her making cookies, knowing full well (courtesy of Britney) that he’s a Have-Not and can’t eat the cookies. And here we go with another round of bitter screaming. This goes on forever, so I’ll just throw out some choice quotes.

Ragan: “The only thing honest about you is the pimples on your face.”

Ragan: “Get on your broom and fly back into the house.”

Rachel: “Nobody likes you!”

Ragan: “You are the most vile devil child in the world.”

Rachel: “You suck at being gay.”

Ragan: “You will get what is coming to you. Take it as a tip and learn from it.”

Ragan stomps into the house and slams the sliding glass door. Rachel just stands there, unable to comprehend what she has done wrong, while Britney pretends to play pool with… I don’t know, one of The Brigade Boys. Again, nobody defends Ragan.

Rachel marches up to the HOH Room and uses some pretzels to spell out Matt’s name. The she trounces back downstairs, finds Enzo and hugs him, them convinces Kathy to stagger back up to the HOH Room with her. (I’m impressed that Kathy can navigate the spiral staircase. Who knew she had it in her?) Once there, Rachel: I spelled Matt out on purpose. Make sure that nobody comes up here.

Then Rachel leaves the house, her stay finally ended, and blood pressures drop.

Kathy races to tell Hayden and Enzo that Rachel left Matt’s name upstairs. Based on the expressions the two guys have, I’m not really sure they know who Matt is.

Later still, back up to the HOH Room. Brendon wanders out of the Pandora room, freshly returned from his vacation in wherever. He spies the pretzel message from Rachel. (In the Diary Room: Matt? Done!) Then he moseys out on the upstairs balcony, where he learns that Rachel was here and he wasn’t. Surprisingly, he doesn’t take his own life.

Kathy: “It was pretty dramatic in here.”

Understatement. Of. The. Century.

Brendon drags Britney up to the HOH Room. Brendon: Just checking to make sure our agreement still holds. Britney: “100 percent.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Are you kidding? I will promise my first-born child.)

Brendon and Ragan in the HOH Room. Ragan: “People need to see you as you, not as Rachel and Brendon.” Then Ragan hints that Matt should go up, but cautions that if Britney is nominated, she’ll go home, but Matt may not.

And we have another Darth Vader video. “There’s a competition tomorrow that could change the course of the game. Get some sleep.” The houseguests scurry to get some shut-eye. But Darth keeps coming back on the monitor. All night long. So nobody gets any sleep, and Kathy in particular looks like we should just throw some dirt on her face and call it done. In the last Darth video, the bleary-eyed houseguests learn that there really isn’t a competition. Hee hee.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s very happy that his latest Saboteur prank has everybody in an uproar. Then Liza Minnelli walks in again, and asks him where he got his blouse.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Ragan removes himself from the block. Natch.

Brendon nominates Matt as a replacement. Not so natch, but still.

Ragan slams the Veto box closed, triggering some final Diary Room moments.

Ragan: He’s really sad that Matt had to go up. But not so sad that he’s going to forfeit his $20K for being The Saboteur.

Enzo: The worst has finally happened. It might be time for Matt to go home. Then Enzo gets distracted by a mirror and some catnip.

Britney: I have a huge sense of relief. Does anybody have some hand lotion?

Lane: I’m gonna do what I gotta do. Lane, you have no idea what that might be.

Matt: I’m not worried. I’ve got the Madonna Veto. I can’t wait to see Brendon’s face when I use it.

Me: I can’t wait, either. Especially since I expected you to use the Diamond Veto as soon as you were put on the block, because isn’t this the Veto meeting? Why wait? Did I miss a memo? Probably.

So if Matt uses Madonna right before the actual vote, anything could happen. Oh boy.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #154 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 17

We start with the traditional review of the last episode (Rachel cries, Brendon implodes, Kathy does absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever). Then the Announcer Guy spends a long time wailing about “who will become the new HOH?”. Well, we can find that out if you would just shut up get to the new stuff already

Cut to the still-ongoing HOH Competition. (Imagine that.) We spend a few minutes watching everybody sweat and struggle as they deal with the ropes and the squares and the mud. For a bit of realism, we watch while Brendon basically lands on his face in the squelchy brown stuff. Meanwhile, Kathy apparently still hasn’t realized that Julie has said “Go!”. Then we cut to a series of Diary Room confessions.

Brendon: “I am fighting for Rachel!” (Dude, she’s out of the house. Let it go.)

Matt: “The Brigade has problems winning competitions when I’m not playing.” (Agreed. We also agreed that you really need to rethink your alliance and hook up with some people who actually win things. But you keep voting those people out of the house.)

Brendon again: “I miss her already!” Oh dear God, boy. Please.

We see a few shots of Brendon stomping around and acting all tough about his mission to kill everybody in the house in memory of Rachel and her hair. His new catchphrase appears to be “It’s personal now!” (Hmm. Shouldn’t it have been personal all along? You know, during all that time when you and Rachel were playing squat tag instead of realizing that the rest of the house was turning against you?)

Back to the Diary Room.

Lane: Why are these people afraid of Brendon, with Britney running up and standing near Lane every time Brendon opens his mouth? “He can’t kill you in here.”

Hayden: “I was getting really winded during the competition.” (We see shots of this supposed winding. Actually, Hayden looks like he’s just waiting for a bus.)

Enzo: “I’m a clean cat. Meow-Meow don’t like to get dirty.” (We see shots of Enzo waiting for the same bus as Hayden. Meow-Meow doesn’t like physical labor, either. Bad kitty.)

Kathy, about the HOH Competition: “I didn’t even know which way is up!” Get a t-shirt made, Texarkana. Wear it all the time.

Ragan, as we see shots of his underwear being blurred on the screen, rope tangled all over him: “I was so turned around!” (The bigger question? Where did you get that grandpa underwear?)

Shots of Brendon talking to himself as he flips and flops through the grid. Because Rachel’s not there, he’s yelling to himself what Rachel and her hair would normally yell. It’s very sad. And creepy.

Enzo: “I wasn’t really worried because of the deal we made with Brendon.”

Oh?

Cut to three hours before the eviction and competition. We see Enzo and Hayden sitting somewhere, plotting some fake agreement to offer Brendon. They are pretty psyched about this lie, and they keep slapping body parts on each other and making frat boy noises. (Guys, just go ahead and do each other, get that out of the way. It’s 2010, nobody cares.)

These two run to find Brendon (and the not-yet-evicted Rachel, which is kind of weird to see) and proffer their gambit. Hayden: Whichever of us four wins HOH, we put up Britney and Ragan. Deal?

Really?

Back to the HOH Competition. Brendon is actually doing very well, ahead of the others. But he’s still talking to the spirit of Rachel, which is just not right.

Shot of Enzo and Kathy, way in last place, basically giving up. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “They didn’t teach me anything like that in the police academy.” This woman is licensed to carry a gun, people. A gun.) Shot of Britney’s mascara running. Then a shot of Lane gaining on Brendon. Oh?

Commercials. Crap you don’t need.

We come back to the HOH Competition. More shots of people either struggling to surge ahead or just standing there and doing nothing, watching other people actually try. Now Britney is one of the slackers as well. I guess once the makeup goes, she’s done.

Brendon finds extra strength from somewhere, and slams it through the rest of the grid. He wins. And of course he yells “Rachel, that one was for you!”

She can’t hear you, Brendon. Just sayin.

Brendon picks the three “Have-Not’s”: Ragan, Britney and Matt. (Interesting. All 3 of them were people who had words with Rachel. I guess Brendon really is serious about this “personal” thing. Stupid, but serious.)

Ragan in the Diary Room: “This is my third time on slop!” Then WIN something, you big baby. You win, you eat what you want. Think about it.

Afterwards, scene with Enzo, Britney, Matt and Hayden. Enzo: “Why didn’t we send him home?” (Good question, but too late for that.) Then Enzo gets cocky about being safe, which irritates Britney, now a Have-Not and clearly a Brendon target. She tells Enzo it’s easy to be cocky when you aren’t in danger. Then she stomps off to find Lane. And cries on his shoulder.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s whining about being a target and facing hard obstacles and people not liking her. Really? Aren’t those the same things we just saw Rachel whining about a week ago?

Britney and Matt are in the Swamp Room. Britney: “It sucks that we have to be nice to Brendon.” (News flash: You always have to be nice to the HOH, whoever they might be.) Then Ragan wanders in, completing the Circle of Life for this week’s Have-Nots. Britney and Ragan cry and share tissues.

Matt in the Diary Room: “I don’t care.” I have the Madonna Power of Veto.

Brendon invites everyone to come see his HOH Room. Folks pile up there for the fake review. Britney in the Diary Room: She’s mad that Enzo and Kathy were sucking up to Brendon. (Hmm. Yet you did the same thing with last week’s HOH. Kettle, black?) Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s pouting as well about the charade. People, this is how the game works. You show dubious love for the HOH and then you cross your fingers. This is not new. Pay attention.

Then we have several scenes of Britney and Lane, running around and acting like a brother and sister, play-fighting and such. Lane in the Diary Room: “We’re like Raisin Bran. I’m the juicy raisin (oh?) and she’s the bran. Wait. It’s not bran, is it? (Uh, it’s in the name.) She’s the… what is that cookie stuff with the raisins?”

Lane’s parents hang their head in shame. Or maybe not. They ARE Lane’s parents. Apples falling from the tree and all that.

Hayden and Enzo, in a room somewhere and still not admitting to their mutual attraction. Hayden: “I almost trust Brendon more than Matt.” Matt’s too tight with Ragan. And Lane is so distracted by Britney. Hey, let’s go tell Brendon to get rid of Britney so Lane can come back to us.

Seriously, how much more proof of gay erotic subtext do we need with The Brigade? They might as well rent a condo on Fire Island. (Wait, are my people still doing that? Don’t know.)

Enzo serves as point man (ahem) and runs up to Brendon for a chat on where things stand with the nominations. Brendon assures him “You’re cool.” Hey, but what if I put up Britney and Lane?

Crickets chirp.

The Enzo recovers, and tries to steer things away from Lane. Hey, that Britney girl, she’s trouble, and she‘s distracting Lane. And, oh yeah, Matt and Ragan are pretty tight. Need to think about that, too. Then Enzo runs back downstairs and tries to pretend that he ain’t said nothin’ to nobody.

But he does finally tell Lane that Brendon is thinking of putting him and Britney up. Lane in the Diary Room: “That makes me wanna go to a bar and find the hottest girl and fight her boyfriend.”

I really don’t understand Texas people. And I live here.

Ragan gets called to the Diary Room for another one of his cheesy segments where he picks out his next Saboteur assignment. (This boy did NOT get enough attention at some point in his life, let’s leave it at that.) He goes with pretending that he’s aware of a “secret alliance and will expose it when the time is right.” Ragan thinks he can bounce off departed Annie’s “two of the houseguests knowing each other outside the house” business.

Cue a new Darth Vader video, with people running from afar to hear the latest.

“Looks like you were unsuccessful getting me out of the game. You were also unsuccessful in not getting out the life-long relationship. One is male and one is female.”

End trans.

Well, then. The assembled houseguests all look at Britney and Kathy, who are the only females left and therefore one of them would have to be one of these “life-long” people. Matt points this out. But it’s not until Brendon seconds the motion that the girls speak up, and of course they focus their anger on Brendon. (Nobody in this house is focused on strategy. It’s entirely personal.) Britney and Kathy both make disparaging remarks about Brendon’s continued existence, and deny knowing anybody in the room before the house.

Several sidebar scenes with none of the males buying the denial. I guess none of these males are remembering that one of them has been fingered as well.

Next is a boring bit where everybody’s wondering what America voted for the “Have-Not’s” to eat this week, which turns out to be eggplant and escargots. Requisite reaction shots with none of the three slop people having any desire for the escargots, even though all three admit to never having partaken.

Matt and Ragan swinging in the hammock. Matt: “We haven’t really seen Brendon play. It’s always been Rachel and Brendon.” Ragan: “In our favor, we follow through with our deals.”

What deals? Did I miss something?

Ragan tromps up to Brendon in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Make it quick.” (Dude, pull the stick out of your butt or you are never going to win this game.) Ragan: We had a huge fight. No one would ever expect us to work together. Wanna? (Brendon in the Diary Room: “You spit on the girl I love!” Which I believe means the answer is “no”.) Ragan still pushes: This could be a MAJOR move.”

Brendon tracks down Britney (because Dolly finds it beneath herself to initiate the dialogue for her salvation) and they go to the HOH Room. Brendon: “Why should I not put you up?” Britney: “I will do whatever I have to do. If I don’t get nominated, I will play hard to win the Veto,” implying that she will keep the nominations the same. Brendon: “Am I safe next week?” Britney: “What you do for me I will do for you.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “Of course I was going to say whatever.” Then she asks if there is a manicurist on the set, because her nails are really chippy right now.

Scene with Brendon doing the staged “I wonder who I’m going to put up” bit, staring at the houseguest wall. Which leads to more Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “I’m pretty sure I’m going up.” Did you find that manicurist yet?

Lane: “I have a bad gut feeling. But The Brigade has my back.” Did you figure out what’s in Raisin Bran other than just raisins?

Ragan: “I would actually keep my deal. But Brendon does things out of cowardice.” Did anybody get my notes on the next cheesy Saboteur session?

Matt: “I’d rather just use the Diamond Veto and not even go on the block.” Did anyone notice that I have really great pecs when I wear this hoodie?

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

I’m really surprised when Britney’s key is pulled and she’s safe.

Ragan and Lane are not.

Brendon: “This was the toughest decision. I want this to be about competitors. Nobody floats by.

And we end with more Diary Room flatulations:

Ragan: “Brendon is a coward, avenging somebody he knew for a month.” (As opposed to what, Ragan? Knowing you for a month?”

Lane: “Nominating me was the dumbest move. But I’m safe.” (It’s Big Brother. You could be gone in a heartbeat.)

Britney: “Shocked!” (Sister, at least it’s not you. Shut up.)

Brendon: “I don’t care if they don’t like it. I’m doing this for Rachel.” (Which is precisely the wrong reason. Do you not watch this show?)

Roll end credits.