Friday, May 25, 2012

10 Ways To Reduce The Impact Of Stupid People In Your Life

1. If you can’t correctly spell the protest slogan on your sign, you should not be allowed to attend the demonstration and manage to appear on TV.

  Unless, of course, that demonstration is an awareness-raising rally wherein you are representing Exhibit A in “what happens when ignorant yokels don’t pay attention in school and opt instead to attend white-supremacy marches and practice inbreeding”.

2. Children should not be allowed to scream and throw food in a public.

  We get enough of that during Republican presidential primaries.

3. TV networks should not be allowed to cancel a series until the season is OVER.

  And TV producers should make sure they end the season with a satisfying “get to the point” episode, just in case. (Side note to producers: Do NOT let the main characters decide that having another baby would be fun unless you are ready for the show to end. It’s a proven fact that viewers love watching established relationships, but not the pointless conception angle. See: Mad About You, Growing Pains, Roseanne, etc.)

4. Contestants on Survivor should not be allowed to whine when they get blind-sided.

  You stupidly believed an obvious lie and now you’re going home. Suck it up and grab your torch. Have you not seen this show before?

5. Radio stations should not be allowed to play the same song over and over until it makes people scream.

  Try playing something else for a change, like a song that isn’t by Lady Gaga or Adele. (I like them both, but I’m more than aware that they were born that way and they can set fire to the rain. Let’s hear about somebody else’s skill set for a change.)

6. The makers of low-fat frozen dinners should not create products that taste like week-old oatmeal left on the back porch.

  People are much more content if the things they stick in their mouths make them happy. And let’s stop using so much sodium to disguise the fact that all the yummy fat has been sucked out of the entrĂ©e. There’s enough salt in some of those to make a certain city in Utah a little jealous.

7. People should not be allowed to interrupt your daily domestic routine.

  There are hordes of zombies out there who are roaming the neighborhoods and think nothing of wandering up your sidewalk and banging on your door, proffering pointless products or brochures about suspect charities that are probably gang-based. Ignore the doorbell and continue watching Ellen.

8. If you don’t know the background of every single candidate on the ballot, you really shouldn’t be voting.

  Seriously. Do your own research. Don’t let others do it for you.

9. If you can’t back up what you’re saying with unquestionable evidence, you shouldn’t be allowed to say anything on a news program.

  I hope the government has enough unemployment forms for people on the Fox network. Oh wait, they don’t believe in government handouts, at least not while a Democrat is in the White House. They should be fine, then.

10. If you can’t immediately understand my problem when I call your supposed help desk, you shouldn’t be allowed to answer the phone.

  I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do your job. You should be telling me, in a clear and concise manner, exactly what I need to do in order to have a better life with the product or service that your company sold me. If this expectation is beyond your training and/or conceptual grasping, we have an issue, one that can easily be resolved by you pulling your head out, finding somebody who doesn’t have focus issues, and tendering your resignation.

  But I’m not bitter. And hey, the free time that you now have will allow you to work on that poster you wanted to make for the racist rally you’re attending later tonight. Say hi to Rush and Glenn and Ann for me, okay?

Peace in.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

30 Signs That Your Significant Other Is Clearly Trying To Drive You Insane

  Note: Change the pronouns around however you like to fit the dynamics of your own relationship. This is an equal-opportunity whine-fest. Just sayin.

1. He changes the car radio right in the middle of a song that you really, really like.

2. She stares at the restaurant menu for 37 minutes and still cannot find anything that remotely interests her. Yet she wanted to go to this place.

3. He doesn’t understand that inviting his friends over for dinner at the very last minute might be an issue in any way.

4. She makes fun of the fact that you can’t parallel park.

5. He eats the last yogurt in the fridge that YOU picked out and leaves the crappy one that he chose.

6. She insists on going down every single aisle in the grocery store.

7. He doesn’t HAVE a plan in the grocery store, and runs from one end of the store to the other at least 26 times.

8. She thinks it’s okay to answer her phone right in the middle of the Immunity Challenge on “Survivor”.

9. He lunges to close a window on his computer screen every time you walk into the home office.

10. She starts any conversation with the phrase “I was talking to Mom the other day…”

11. He starts any conversation with the phrase “Why are you dressed up like we’re going somewhere?”

12. She abruptly ends a conversation by saying “whatever you think is best” and then leaving the room.

13. He makes that soul-killing sucking noise trying to get food out of his teeth.

14. She sneezes like somebody stepped on an anemic mouse.

15. He sneezes like an elephant getting a rectal probe, and then has to follow it up by hollering “DAMN!” like he has no idea what just happened to him.

16. She lets the alarm clock on her side of the bed blink for two days after a power failure.

17. He hits the snooze button on his alarm clock for two solid hours.

18. She can apparently go through an entire roll of toilet paper in one afternoon.

19. He apparently doesn’t comprehend that when the toilet paper roll is empty one should take corrective action about the situation.

20. She thinks it’s okay to flip her hair like that when talking to a complete stranger at the local bar.

21. He thinks it’s okay to supposedly go to the bathroom at the local bar and not come back for thirty minutes.

22. She doesn’t understand that clicking “Like!” on anything that a former lover does on Facebook could indicate possible remorse about her current relationship.

23. He doesn’t understand that the mere act of  befriending a former lover on Facebook makes him a possibly-cheating bastard.

24. She thinks nothing of wrapping herself in an afghan-cocoon on her side of the bed and thereby avoiding sex for the evening.

25. He thinks nothing of falling asleep on the couch while watching Frasier even though you have slipped into a contortionistic outfit that highlights all of your body parts that he previously worshipped.

26. She has apparently contacted a lawyer who has an advertisement proclaiming “We will get you every penny that you deserve!”.

27. He has apparently contacted a murky dude named “Guido” who has a tattoo proclaiming “I make things go away.”

28. She invites her mother to come live with them.

29. He invites his mother to come live with them.

30. Both of the mothers instead opt to rent the house across the street, shove some chairs up to the front window, get comfortable with some snacks and a glass of wine, and watch this puppy play out in real time. Hell, they’ve already been through all this mess, time to relax and let the kids finally realize that at the end of the day it’s all just water under a bridge that they’re building together…

Friday, May 18, 2012

15 Things About Modern Technology That Make You Want To Scream

1. You watch a TV show that you’re not all that interested in just because you’re too exhausted to figure out how to get to that Guide channel on the remote. Besides, every time you do find that menu, you do something wrong and people yell at you because the DVR stopped recording Modern Family.

2. You get irritated that a photo you’re trying to review on the Internet actually takes longer than two seconds to download, completely forgetting that in 1995 you were completely happy if a racy photo of Brad Pitt downloaded in less than 10 minutes.

3. You discover that you are unable to actually type out a complete sentence after having sent roughly 40,000 texts in the last three years.

4. The soothing Bluetooth voice in your fancy new car announces that you should lose 23.7 pounds for an optimum driving experience.

5. You get really upset that your wireless phone dropped another call and you angrily stomp down the hall past the wired phone that works just fine. You’ve actually forgotten about that old-school contraption, but since the name of the phone company has changed five times recently, you don’t even know what that bill is for anymore, so you pay it just to make sure something unsatisfactory doesn’t happen.

6. Your email address gets picked up by some murky syndicate and suddenly you are getting endless promises of everything from drive-thru breast implants to a miraculously-strong penis that can double as a carjack.

7. Your email inbox hasn’t been fully cleaned-out in over a decade. When you try to click on some of the decrepit messages way at the bottom of the list, your laptop shuts down and a military helicopter flies overhead.

8. You start to initiate a friend connection on one of your 23 social media sites and a pop-up displays, warning you that you drunkenly slept with this person 12 years ago but you’ve managed to block out the experience. Are you sure you wish to proceed?

9. You’re so used to something playing an annoying tune and buzzing in your pocket that you no longer pay attention and you miss half your calls.

10. Your own computer suddenly announces that you are no longer an Administrator on this device. But for a small monthly fee, it will allow you to access some of the non-premium content. Click here to sign up.

11. You hit a wrong button on the confusing security-alarm control panel you had installed at the house, and the dishwasher suddenly turns on. Then you hear a fire truck in the distance. And a Jehovah’s Witness rings your doorbell.

12. Your techie friends actually laugh at the fact that you still buy physical CD’s in a physical music store. You choose not to mention that every time you do this, you somehow manage to get the one CD with that weird crack in the plastic that you swear wasn’t there when you picked it up. Is the Bluetooth woman in your car doing something to your purchases when you aren’t looking?

13. You have so many user names and passwords that you have to start a spreadsheet for all that mess. And you have to include a column with your answer for the security question, because you’re getting old and it’s no longer easy to remember the first car you owned or the town where you were born.

14. You start to join another website, and you are flummoxed when the unique “surely nobody is using THIS” user name you enter is already in use. What the hell? Who else would go by “@KDWbang!%”? Have I been here before and just don’t remember? Are the breast-implant people stalking me? Is this the place where I pay the bill that I don’t understand that might be for the phone that I don’t use?

15. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming “ACCESS DENIED!” and your bed partner sighs and heads to the guest bedroom for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, the Jehovah’s Witness is still on your front porch, patiently waiting….

Thursday, May 17, 2012

10 Cute Southern Phrases And What They Actually Mean

1. “Well, sugar my foot!”

  Translation: “I am thoroughly astonished that what you just said is actually true. Even if it’s really not.” This is a response often heard during whispered gossip sessions at the local Baptist church.

2. “That thing just flopped back yonder.”

  Translation: “The item which you seek has bounced to a location that is no longer near us and may be inaccessible at this point.” This often happens with beer bottle caps and contraceptive devices.

3. “Oh, I really like what you’ve done with your hair.”

  Translation: “I am so stunned by that mess on your head that I couldn’t look away and you caught me staring, so I had to say something.” This phrase gets the most usage during Prom Season, when young women often confuse height and bulk with actual style.

4. “I would never tell a soul.”

  Translation: “The very second you disappear around the corner I am going to bust my ass telling your secret to everybody in a 5-mile radius.” If the person making this statement also adds “cross my heart”, the radius instantly increases to 10 miles.

5. “I’m gonna lay into you like a ton of bricks!”

  Translation: “I am so miffed at a perceived transgression of yours that I am going to beat you senseless just as soon as I finish my beer.” The origination of this phrase probably had something to do with stupid people doing stupid things near abandoned houses with crumbling chimneys, and somebody took notes after they hauled Bubba away in that 9-1-1 contraption.

6. “I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!”

  Translation: “If you don’t stop doing that thing which I find incredibly annoying, I will use my fists and short-term time travel to resolve the situation.” No word on how such a science-based concept made its way into rural, flat-earth-believing populations, but it did.

7. “Rode hard and put up wet.”

  Translation: “A person’s appearance is less than flattering and/or the person has not aged with any particular grace.” This term originally had something to do with sweaty horses and saddles back in the day. It’s not clear what an actual human would have to do to achieve the same aura, but apparently some folks have mastered the skill. The misuse of alcohol, drugs, cosmetics or sexual opportunities may be contributing factors.

8. “Bobby Joe is ate up with the dumb-ass”

  Translation: “The level of that person’s stupidity is mind-boggling.” Presumably this is a quite different condition than being a smart-ass, although one must wonder how intelligence is considered to be somehow rectum-based.

9. “He’s going to hell in a hand basket.”

  Translation: “He has done something so astoundingly un-recommended that his after-life travel plans may include destinations that were not on his preferred itinerary.” However, the inclusion of the foo-foo basket accessory reference may indicate that this fool is actually going to Martha Stewart’s Vineyard, which might actually be worse than fire and brimstone. Would you want to make table centerpieces for all eternity?

10. “She was sweatin’ like a whore in church.”

  Translation: “The woman felt quite uncomfortable to be in a place that may not fully support her chosen way of making a living and/or entertainment options she had pursued in her past.” Then again, the poor thing might actually be sweating because she wasn’t used to seeing so many of her clients in one room. And that was just the choir…

Click Here to Read Part II in this series...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

20 Signs When You Were Little That Meant Mom Was None Too Happy With You Right Now

1. She used your middle name when screaming from another room that you needed to report to her immediately.

2. Dead silence on her end of the line when you called her at work for the twenty-seventh time in one afternoon.

3. Proclaiming at dinner that you don’t really care for liver and onions, and your plate is suddenly whisked away from in front of you.

4. You arrive at your house two seconds after the designated time to stop playing dodge ball with the neighborhood kids and you see that the porch light has been turned off.

5. Anything that requires Mom to consult with Grandma about the appropriate punishment.

6. Getting off the bus after school and realizing that she was already home from work.

7. Those moments you stupidly said something like “everybody else’s Mom is letting them do it”.

8. You walk into your bedroom and discover that your favorite toy is missing.

9. Any conversation that she starts with “I was talking to your school principal today…”

10. She slams on the brakes for no apparent reason while you and your sister are arguing with each other in the backseat of the car.

11. You threaten to run away because of the horrible injustices you are suffering within this family and she offers to help you pack.

12. You are squirming around in the pew at church, all fussy and bored, resulting in the accidental dislodging of the hymnal from its proper resting place, and the resounding boom of book meeting floor interrupts the pastor’s sermon on proper child-rearing.

13. She answers the phone and it’s the next-door neighbor, the one who never calls your mother just to chat.

14. She walks into the den and is fully aware that you have been jumping on the couch again even though you stopped doing that ten minutes ago.

15. The dreaded words “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you…”

16. The fake smile she gives the floor manager at the department store after he informs her that you were caught running in between the clothing racks and knocking things over.

17. The lack of the phrase “just wait until your father gets home” when she confronts you with another ill-advised activity, thus negating the cool-down period before retribution…

18. The realization that the trash did not make its way to the curb, despite the repeated memos from the home office that you needed to make sure that happened.

19. Your inability to rewrap your Christmas presents just like they were before you decided to play detective.

20. That look she would give you  when she was having to remind herself how very much she loved you….

Friday, May 11, 2012

Idiot Fondue: Case Study #38

Dear Dr. Brian,

  I was at Sonic this evening, and I had a small breakdown while trying to decide which of their designer hotdogs I should order. The Chicago? The New York? Stick with the standard foot-long chili cheese dog that they have had forever? It was very troubling. And then, after I finally made up my mind, the stupid lady who roller-skated out with my order slammed into the side of my car and spilled everything. Now I have a dent in my car and my weenie has been mashed. Should I sue?

Violated in Oak Cliff

Dear Violation,

  Well, now. There are so many alarming things going on with your submission that I’m really not certain that a single person can provide proper guidance, but I shall certainly try, if only to be allowed the opportunity to address the significance of fast-food foot-longs. This is a minor side-dream that I have secretly harbored for many years.

  But let’s start from the beginning, as that is the point where most neuroses first gestate and then bloom into wonderful, twisted things that result in desperate people being willing to pay exorbitant consultation fees in order to untwist the madness that has led them to make poor decisions. (I am not complaining, by any means, of course. If it weren’t for misguided souls taking wrong turns, I wouldn’t even have a career. Bless the beasts and the blundering.)

  Anyway, why on earth would you consider Sonic to be an optimal food-intake destination? Surely you realize that the first ingredient listed on any of their products is “grease”, followed by “cholesterol” and then a double-play of carbs and processed cheese. As such, you really shouldn’t be surprised that bad things happened during your visit, since the mere decision to turn into the parking means that you have already opted to shorten your life.

  Now, to be fair, I can certainly understand the beck and call of an establishment where the menu is heavily weighted with fried foods. (Those cooks up in that place have an affinity for frying that is equivalent to the witch-burning frenzy of a certain town called Salem back in the day.) Fried, dripping consumables certainly have a cachet, and they can often provide comfort when your life is just not what it should be and it seems that your only recourse is to shove something larded into your mouth.

  In fact, there was a time in my own illustrious career when I had an infatuation with the jalapeno poppers at this very establishment. How I got to this low point is somewhat fuzzy to me now, though I do believe it may have had something to do with that soul-crushing time when I was falsely accused of inappropriate relations with livestock in France. In any case, I had a predilection for the poppers, especially when drenched in a vat of ranch dressing, yet another foul creation that does nothing to enhance your longevity.

  Many a night I would arrive at my local franchise, with the headlights turned off as I quietly slipped into the parking slot furthest from the bright lights of the building, back near the dumpster where the employees would heave the smoldering remains of artery-blocking foodstuffs that they had deep-fried but had been unable to sell before the items congealed into a solid, unappetizing block of irradiated waste.

  I would then use one of those voice-disguising machines that many of the current pop stars are using, wherein their voice is fine-tuned to something that is not their own, so that I could place my order in relative anonymity. And I always asked that “Lucrezia” deliver my order. In a random happenstance, she was a former patient of mine that I had saved from incarceration by creating a unique category of mental illness that had nothing to do with reality but certainly flummoxed the jury in her favor.

  Lucrezia and I were tight. She had secrets, I had a secret, and Sonic needed to move product. Nobody truly suffered in this arrangement, profits were made, and I was able to discreetly be a pig, sucking down ranch-enhanced poppers with a frenzy that would have resulted in crack addicts giving a standing ovation if they happened to be camping out near the dumpster and could actually focus on nearby vehicles.

  Alas, the joy was not to last. My personal physician insisted on inane things like regular checkups, and during the course of such, he and his coven of sexually-unsatisfied nursing assistants were able to compile data proving that the consumption of each single popper was the equivalent of shoving a wine cork into one of my arteries, and that I had roughly 37 seconds left on this warped planet if I didn’t put a halt to things.

  Initially, as is the basic human response when professionally chastised about dining selections, I severely hated the man and his white-smocked harridans, convinced that untoward things had happened in their childhoods that had led to careers wherein they tortured decent people for subversive reasons. But I eventually read some posts online
(because everything you see on the Internet is true, yes?) and realized that perhaps I was gnawing on improper things.

  My bad. I seem to have made this all about me so far. Let’s get back to you.

  And let’s talk about your affinity for weenies. You do realize that these are not healthy items, surely. It doesn’t matter if they are from Chicago or New York or are chili-drenched. These things are basically tubes composed of all the animal bits that couldn’t be manipulated into something that would warrant a higher price-tag in restaurants that did not involve a drive-thru option.

  Disregard the weenie, if at all possible. And if you must partake, try to have some self-control and avoid paparazzi. No one really wants to see themselves in blurry photos on the Internet, where you appear to be performing in a low-grade pornographic film from 1978. Unless, of course, that happens to be your thing. It’s not my place to judge. (Well, it actually is my place. But only if you are paying my consultation fees.)

  Now, this business with the wheeled strumpet careening into the side of your SUV. First of all, I’m a bit surprised that you didn’t realize this was a possible development at your dining choice. After all, Sonic (and many other establishments of yore) have a fine history of service attendants who are quite mobile. Back in the day, carhops were fully expected to shoot around the parking lot as if magically powered by jet fuel. Those whizzing servers were professionally performing a graceful ballet of food delivery and revenue extraction.

  Granted, you don’t see much of that these days, with nubile females hurtling about the concrete, probably due to the newer crops of employable youngsters who would much rather not learn a marketable skill in order to retain gainful employment. For some inexplicable reason, many employees today think they should be given wads of cash as income simply because they bothered to even show up at work, and not because they have done anything of note in a job-skill capacity. Perhaps that would explain this whole Wall Street mess that we’ve been dealing with for thirty years.

  And yes, the powers that be at Sonic did actually phase out the roller-skating angle for a while, at least around these parts. For many years, the servers were de-wheeled, forced to transport trays of naughty foodstuffs using only their own motor skills. This was not as exciting, both for the transporter and the recipient, and I would imagine that tips from patrons plummeted dramatically.

  What’s that, you ask? What’s this mess with tips? Well, kind idiot, you’re supposed to tip the people who slap that little tray on your window. It’s tradition. These fine delivery people are paid tiny base wages with the anticipation that they are going to be given generous tips from customers who clearly have some disposable income or they wouldn’t be eating here. It’s the same way it works at “regular” restaurants. This one just happens to offer more sunlight and fresh air.

  So anyway, the Sonic folks have wisely reintroduced the concept of server mobility at select establishments, and you happened to choose one of those locations. Ergo, you should not be troubled by the potential downside of allowing heavily-painted but still generally decent young women possibly losing control and slamming into your vehicle. (Roller-skating is hard work. Ask any mid-management executive who has had to kiss upper-rank ass whilst still satisfying the peons below him.) Bad things happen from time to time.

  Especially if the poor soul delivering your order has her body balance thrown off by the forty pounds of questionable meat and grease that you have stupidly requested. Essentially, the mass that dented your car is the same mass you plan on shoving down your throat. So my advice is simple. Ignore the dent, give the sweaty roller queen some extra cash, and deal with your messed-up weenie in the privacy of your own home. As we all should.

  Well, then. That about wraps it up for this round. Please speak with Lanae at the front desk to settle your account. And be sure to throw in some extra bonus bucks. After all, I’m wearing roller skates under this fine mahogany desk, and I’ve thrown a few extra ketchup packets in your to-go box….

Dr. Brian

10 Things That Your Significant Other Shouldn’t Do If They Really Want to Remain Your Significant Other

1. Do not tell people that you are my beloved until this has been fully discussed between us and official documents have been signed.

  Likewise, do not update your relationship status on any social media app without the proper coordination. This is something that we should do together, whilst sipping wine and staring into each other’s shiny, happy eyes as we point and click. This is not something you do while I am away for the weekend attending a Fish Fry in a rural village that does not have Internet access.

2. Do not speak of past relationships for any measurable length of time or give any indication that it was an enjoyable experience.

  Acceptable Example: “Chris and I once went to the Irish Festival and it rained the whole time.”

  Death-Wish Example: “Chris and I spent an entire month in Tuscany and it was the best time I’ve ever had in my entire life and we made love every night in an ancient vineyard where Michelangelo used to sit and sketch grapes. And I still have a bottle of wine that we made out of those grapes and I drink from it every year and think of that wonderful summer.”

3. Do not leave undergarments in unauthorized locations for any noticeable period.

  A pair of briefs thrown into the ceiling fan during a rousing game of slap and tickle is fine. Those same briefs circling around the ceiling fan in a holding pattern for an entire week can lead to a psychotic break. Put your damn panties in the basket we bought just so you would have somewhere to put your panties.

4. Do not ask me to suggest a dining or entertainment option and then completely ignore my answer.

  If there is something specific that you want to do, just say what it is and let’s go on with life. Don’t ask me what we should do for dinner, forcing me to review in my head the various restaurants where we can both get something we like and I proffer up a compromise location, only for you to pretend like I haven’t said anything and then steer us toward where you wanted to go in the first place. Why must it be a patience-testing game? Tell me up front where you want to go and we’ll go there. God.

5. We do not have to do every single thing in life as a unit.

  There will be times when I want to go off and do something for a few hours that you have no desire to do. And since you don’t like the activity, I don’t want you coming along and sighing out of apparent life-depleting boredom. My desire to spend a little time pursuing a personal interest does not mean that our relationship is on a train wreck to hell, that you should start looking for change-of-address cards, or that I am having rounds of orgiastic sex with a different Chris in a different vineyard in your beloved Italy. I just need some downtime weaving simple baskets in a convent where all the nuns have taken a vow of silence, that’s all.

6. Even if you don’t understand my mystifying side interests, you should still respect those pursuits without the use of sarcasm or eye-rolling.

  Suppose I like to collect pretty rocks. People do that. It’s not a sign of mental deficiency or conversion to a satan-based way of life. It’s just something to do, even if it means you are tripping over boxes of rocks that I haven’t touched since 1992. After all, I’ve never said a word about your endless crates of vintage 8-Track tapes that are testing the structural support of this house, despite the fact that we don’t even own an 8-Track tape player.

7. You cannot make fun of more members of my family than I make fun of your family members.

  It’s a very mentally-healthy thing for two people in love to have a chuckle or three over the indiscretions or outright stupidity of certain members of the interconnected clans. This is a supportive way for each of us to relieve familial stress without directly affecting the contents of any last will and testaments. But you don’t want to go too far. If one family tree starts getting more chops than the other, it’s inevitable that there will be a power shift in the relationship and suddenly people are going to bed without speaking.

8. It’s okay if we don’t agree on the same TV programs.

  Seriously, it’s not that big of a deal. If you want to watch The Adventures of the Runaway Crockpot and I don’t, it’s not an invalidation of your cultural choices or your status as a human being. It’s alright to like different things. You watch your little show and enjoy the hell out of it. I’ll head over to the convent and make some woven baskets with Sister Jedidiah and Sister Never-Touched. (We’re preparing for the Annual Jesus and Jute Craft Fair.) We can watch Survivor later and laugh at stupid people making bad choices.

9. If I make a fairly insipid mistake concerning a life decision or a trivia question, and this will happen, probably often, it will be discussed once, briefly, and then it will never be addressed again.

  I am aware that you have a tendency to gloat and feel superior when proven right. You are aware that I share the same trait. This is probably why we got together in the first place, a shared need for validation that was nurtured by questionable childhoods and/or a genetic misfire of some sort. As such, it’s not a good idea for either of us to push the issue. You can have your five-minute victory dance and a limit of two smart-ass comments. After that, the situation is wrapped up, thrown in one of the boxes of rocks, and will never again see the light of day. Unless I need to use it as an example of spousal abuse in divorce court.

10. I must always be a beacon of beauty to you, regardless of how wrinkled or flabby I get, what I’m wearing, degree of hangover, or how I smell.

  I never want to see that look leave your eyes. Even if my current appearance has shattered the bathroom mirror, terrified our pets, severely traumatized neighborhood children who stupidly chose to look in the front window, and caused the startled mailman to immediately seek therapy. The spark in your gaze must always burn bright.

Now, sign on the dotted line below and get somebody to notarize this thing. I’ve got some baskets to make and the Sisters have been texting me…

Friday, May 4, 2012

25 Things That Scotch the Cat Is Probably Thinking In This Picture

1. “I am king of this box. And my rule will be unstoppable.”

2. “Why is that fool asking me to smile? Like I know what that means.”

3. “Please don’t come at me with that feather-on-a-stick thing.”

4. “Someone said there would be food in here. They must die for their deception.”

5. “How long are we going to sit on the runway before this thing takes off? And where are my peanuts?”

6. “If you don’t go away in the next three seconds, I will cut you.”

7. “I have no knowledge of how that hairball managed to appear in the hallway. Swear.”

8. “I’d like to have a word with you about what I just found in your nightstand.”

9. “At least this box is always here for me and doesn’t go away on ‘vacation’ like you do.”

10. “I shall now perform my mystifying trick of scratching at the absolute nothingness in the bottom of this box for a solid 30 minutes until you snap.”

11. “Let’s revisit this thing about me only getting wet food once a week.”

12. “I like pie.”

13. “I do too have a perfectly good reason for thundering from one end of the house to the other and then jumping halfway up the wall. I’m just not allowed to share critical information with someone who has your crappy level of security clearance.”

14. “I will not be returning your remote control until the other horrid cat in this house is forced to live somewhere else.”

15. “I find it highly amusing when you are walking down a darkened hallway and then you do the funny dance when you think you are stepping on my tail but it’s really one of my 47 cat toys. Please do that some more.”

16. “Speaking of, there’s really no reason why I can’t have fifty toys. Or even more. You know how easily those things lose their charm. But I can still tell you exactly where every single one of them is at this very moment.”

17. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not allowed to show you any affection or they will take away one of my merit badges.”

18. “I now have feline seniority in this house. Don’t expect me to give that up easily.”

19. “Notice that green plastic thing on the couch to my right. It used to float. Now it does not. That’s just one of my many powers.”

20. “I will no longer fall for your deceptive practice of luring me with a kitty treat and then shoving a pill down my throat. Those days are over.”

21. “I am waiting for you to lay back on the couch so I can knead your belly with my claws that should have been trimmed a week ago, but you will endure the pain because you love me and I have no idea that I’m ripping you to shreds.”

22. “I greatly enjoy the expression on your face when I leap onto the bed in the middle of the night and land in your crotch. Gets me every time.”

23. “Yes, my eyes are glowing. Most humans fail to understand the meaning of this until it’s too late.”

24. “It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, I can always flop on the floor and do that roll-and-stretch thing, making me so adorably cute that all is forgiven.”

25. “It all goes back to the day when my berries went missing. Are you still claiming that you have no knowledge of how that went down?”