Wednesday, May 23, 2012

30 Signs That Your Significant Other Is Clearly Trying To Drive You Insane

  Note: Change the pronouns around however you like to fit the dynamics of your own relationship. This is an equal-opportunity whine-fest. Just sayin.

1. He changes the car radio right in the middle of a song that you really, really like.

2. She stares at the restaurant menu for 37 minutes and still cannot find anything that remotely interests her. Yet she wanted to go to this place.

3. He doesn’t understand that inviting his friends over for dinner at the very last minute might be an issue in any way.

4. She makes fun of the fact that you can’t parallel park.

5. He eats the last yogurt in the fridge that YOU picked out and leaves the crappy one that he chose.

6. She insists on going down every single aisle in the grocery store.

7. He doesn’t HAVE a plan in the grocery store, and runs from one end of the store to the other at least 26 times.

8. She thinks it’s okay to answer her phone right in the middle of the Immunity Challenge on “Survivor”.

9. He lunges to close a window on his computer screen every time you walk into the home office.

10. She starts any conversation with the phrase “I was talking to Mom the other day…”

11. He starts any conversation with the phrase “Why are you dressed up like we’re going somewhere?”

12. She abruptly ends a conversation by saying “whatever you think is best” and then leaving the room.

13. He makes that soul-killing sucking noise trying to get food out of his teeth.

14. She sneezes like somebody stepped on an anemic mouse.

15. He sneezes like an elephant getting a rectal probe, and then has to follow it up by hollering “DAMN!” like he has no idea what just happened to him.

16. She lets the alarm clock on her side of the bed blink for two days after a power failure.

17. He hits the snooze button on his alarm clock for two solid hours.

18. She can apparently go through an entire roll of toilet paper in one afternoon.

19. He apparently doesn’t comprehend that when the toilet paper roll is empty one should take corrective action about the situation.

20. She thinks it’s okay to flip her hair like that when talking to a complete stranger at the local bar.

21. He thinks it’s okay to supposedly go to the bathroom at the local bar and not come back for thirty minutes.

22. She doesn’t understand that clicking “Like!” on anything that a former lover does on Facebook could indicate possible remorse about her current relationship.

23. He doesn’t understand that the mere act of  befriending a former lover on Facebook makes him a possibly-cheating bastard.

24. She thinks nothing of wrapping herself in an afghan-cocoon on her side of the bed and thereby avoiding sex for the evening.

25. He thinks nothing of falling asleep on the couch while watching Frasier even though you have slipped into a contortionistic outfit that highlights all of your body parts that he previously worshipped.

26. She has apparently contacted a lawyer who has an advertisement proclaiming “We will get you every penny that you deserve!”.

27. He has apparently contacted a murky dude named “Guido” who has a tattoo proclaiming “I make things go away.”

28. She invites her mother to come live with them.

29. He invites his mother to come live with them.

30. Both of the mothers instead opt to rent the house across the street, shove some chairs up to the front window, get comfortable with some snacks and a glass of wine, and watch this puppy play out in real time. Hell, they’ve already been through all this mess, time to relax and let the kids finally realize that at the end of the day it’s all just water under a bridge that they’re building together…

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