Searching For Signal: #171 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 12

We start out in the parking lot of Fangtasia, with Eric and Russell sizzling away on the pavement, looking a bit under the weather. While they wait for someone to reach down with a giant spatula and flip them over, they bicker over the importance of Russell slaughtering Eric’s entire family. Suddenly, Godric appears to Eric, bathed in white light and spouting some Hallmark crap about “Forgiveness is love.” This makes Eric contort his face and scream really loud.

Cut to Sookie running through the forest in a billowy dress. A giant, gaudy chandelier descends from the sky and hovers over her, making her all glowy and stuff. She blinks her eyes, and she’s back in Fangtasia, with Bill shoving his face in hers. She leaps off the table or whatever and slaps him, because he interrupted a really pretty dream. “You betrayed me!”

Bill: “I only pretended to betray you, again, so I could save your life, again.”

He has a point, so Sookie changes the subject: “Where’s Eric?”

Pam, face streaked with blood tears and still gazing at the parking lot monitors: “Outside. Burning.”

Well, Sookie is not impressed with that, because it would be one less person who secretly wants her. She starts to rush out the door, Bill tries to stop her, angry words are exchanged, and Sookie dashes out anyway. She uses one of her Sookie powers to break the silver bond between Eric and Russell, hurls Russell against a fence, then drags Eric back into the family-friendly atmosphere of Fangtasia.

Roll opening credits. Did you know that people in Louisiana like to wear dirty ball caps? A lot.

Inside Fangtasia, Pam announces that Eric is very weak and “can’t drop fang”, which I’ve decided is a very fun expression and plan to use in the future. Sookie makes Bill bite her, so she can then feed her magical fairy juice to Eric. Bill and Sookie glare at each other while Eric slurps.

Zip over to Sam’s place, where he and Tara are all aglow after a night of squat tag, and he’s making breakfast for her. When she discovers that the menu includes hoecakes made with bacon grease, this causes the conversation to steer towards why Sam barks in his sleep. He fesses up to being a shape-shifter. She’s not every hungry anymore, faced once again with supernatural people making her life difficult.

Back to Fangtasia. Eric’s all better now that he’s gnoshed on Sookie. And he wants Sookie to run back out to the parking lot and rescue Russell. This is met with displeasure from Bill, Pam and Sookie. Fine. He’ll go himself. Sookie sighs. (Men are just so stupid.) Then she grabs a silver chain, heads back out, and wraps the chain around his neck to drag him back inside. She’s pretty strong for a waitress, lugging half-dead dead people around and all.

Back to Tara and Sam. Tara: “I cannot deal with non-humans right now. I wish I could just re-boot. Be a new person. And forget all this crap I’ve learned in the last few weeks.” Sam: You should be able to do that. You’d be surprised how easy it is.” Tara: It never catches up? Sam: Well, there’s that. You gotta keep moving.

Fangtasia again. Russell is silver-chained to the stripper pole. The vamps have got to go to ground, so Eric tells Sookie to stay and watch over Russell. She’s not really excited about the task, but reluctantly agrees, mainly so she won’t have to look at Bill’s hateful face. As the vamps leave, Eric calls somebody and tells him he’s going to need their help tonight. Hmmm.

Cut to the Bon Temps Sheriff’s station, where Andy is dealing with some DEA honcho who is all hopped up about raiding the place where Crystal’s creepy family is selling V. Jason wanders up, sniffing to find out when the raid might be. Andy drags Jason to his office to school him and make him shut up, but simple Andy spills that they raid will take place today. Jason bolts.

Tara is trotting out the door of Sam’s place, moseying toward the Merlotte’s parking lot, when she suddenly has flashbacks to the hundred or so people she’s seen killed there. This makes her really sad and pensive.

Hoyt shows up at his jobsite, only to find his momma, Summer the Biscuit Maker, and his high-school guidance counselor. They gonna do an intervention, just like on Dr. Phil! Well, it doesn’t go as they planned, mainly because Momma is just too twisted for words. Hoyt ends it with “I love Jessica. If you don’t like it, you can’t be a part of my life.”

Awww. And they say true love never dies. Literally.

Over to Sam’s again. He walks out of his place to find Lafayette hanging around outside Merlotte’s. Laff came in early to make some oyster stew, but forgot his key. Sam lets him in, but not before Laff has one of his visions about Sam, bloody hands and evil threats, that stuff. Okay, we need to find out what’s going on with Laff.

Back to Fangtasia. First, Russell tries to barter with Sookie so she will release him. She plays along for a bit, getting him to offer up 5 million dollars, his plantation, and a promise to kill both Eric and Bill. (Wow. She really is mad at them.) Then she decides not to let him go, so Russell tries to scare her by snarling that every vampire on the planet will be after her for her Sookie juice. And they will suck her dry.

Sookie doesn’t think such threats are very polite, so she sprays him in the face with some of the funky silver mist. Rather than just shut up, Russell continues to threaten. Well, two can play at the bullying game. Sookie snatches up the crystal urn with Talbot’s remains. “Why are you carrying this around?’ Turns out that Russell is actually planning to bring him back to life. Really? How so? Apparently Russell plans to use Sookie’s blood for this miraculous feat of engineering.

Or maybe not. Sookie takes the urn behind the bar, dumps the Talbo goo in the sink, and then flips on the garbage disposal. Russell freaks while blades whirl and Sookie laughs maniacally. Oh my. We be gettin’ vicious up in here.

Jason and Crystal roll up to the drug-shack compound. While very dirty and half-naked kinfolk mill about, Crystal Daddy comes out hollerin for Jason and Crystal to leave. They try to explain that the Feds is comin’. Crystal Daddy finally believes them, and starts ordering his relatives to hide stuff. Suddenly, there’s a gun shot and Felton appears. He’s not keen on gettin’ rid of the V, money to be made and all that. When Crystal Daddy argues, Felton just shoots him in the head. (These are some really nice people. I wonder if I can book a tour?)

Cut to Sam showing up at Terry and Arlene’s. Terry’s sitting on the porch steps, bawling. (Who knows, it’s Terry.) Sam apologizes for the things he said when he was drunk, and Terry cries more. Turns out these are tears of joy. Arlene’s good, the baby’s good, and now he’s got a nice apology to go with it. Ergo, the floodgates are open.

I really don’t understand these people.

Sam has no idea what to say to messed-up Terry, so he goes over to the house Tommy was renting. The place is trashed and Tommy is gone. Uh oh.

Back to the police station, where the DEA agents are rolling out for the big raid. The honcho won’t let Andy come along, instead sending him to the store to get him a pack of cigarettes. Poor Andy.

Once again to the drug factory. Felton has whipped himself into a frenzy, threatening to kill everybody while kinfolk stand around in their underwear and show us their bad teeth. Jason tries to calm him down, saying that’s just the V talking. Felton doesn’t care. He likes violence. (Big surprise.) Then Felton orders “his woman” Crystal to get in the truck so they can drive off and hurt some more people. Crystal agrees to do so, afraid if she doesn’t that Felton will kill Jason.

Before she leaves, Crystal tells Jason that somebody has got to take care of these poor, dirty people. Jason: “Tell me how to.” Crystal: “Just help them. Any way you can.” Then she says her teary goodbye. Jason: “I will find you.” Once the trunk thunders away down the dusty road, Jason turns to the dirty clan and introduces himself.

Tara arrives at her momma’s home, only find Momma playing slap and tickle with her preacher. Harsh words are exchanged, and Tara realizes this is no longer home. She wishes her Momma luck and drives away. Momma just stands there with her fake wig and looks confused.

Cut to Merlotte’s. Sam marches into his office and finds the safe gone. (Courtesy of that model citizen, the now-missing Tommy.) Sam shoves a gun in his pants and stomps out. Meanwhile, Lafayette is just trying to cook food for people, but he keeps seeing those demon images, causing him to flip his burgers wrong and spill grits. He gets on the horn with Jesus. “I’m seeing things. BAD things!” Jesus: “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Fangtasia again. We see a truck drive into the parking lot. Inside, Russell thinks its “my wolves, come to rescue me.” Well, no. It’s Alcide. Sookie spies him, has a small orgasm, and races up to him. “You’ve come to rescue me!” Well, no. Alcide: “Eric called me. Wants me to do somethin’. Said he’d settle all my dad’s debts.” Sookie frowns. “Oh.”

But before they get around to doing anything constructive, Alcide has a beer while Sookie hovers. Alcide: “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’d hate it if we never saw each other again.” Sookie beams, because her stable of admirers is apparently intact. But she tells him “don’t be such a good guy right now.”

Eric, Bill and Pam come marching in from… who knows. Eric unchains Russell and starts to drag him out to Alcide’s truck. Bill wants Sookie to stay here, “Pam will protect you.” Sookie wants none of that, she’s going home. And she rescinds the invitation to her house from all the vampires in the room, including Bill. As she flits out the door, Bill and Alcide glare at each other. (Which prompts Eric to say funniest line in the episode, and it’s entirely unprintable.)

Sheriff’s office again, with Andy staring at a vial of V in total fascination. His contemplation is interrupted by the DEA honcho barging in, dragging Jason along. The whole drug bust was a bust. Everybody gone, Jason tipped them off. The honcho storms out, calling everybody backwoods hicks. Once he’s gone, Andy tears into Jason for screwing things up. Jason stops him. “This is bigger than us. Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing.”

I don’t know where they are headed with the Jason character lately, but me likey.

Merlotte’s. Jesus arrives, and he and Laff have a confab in the hallway. Laff: What is going on? Jesus: You opened up something inside you. You’re more sensitive now. Laff: I don’t WANT to be sensitive. Jesus: I’m a brujo. A witch. Laff: A witch? You’re a witch, who’s a nurse, who’s a dude. Jesus nods. Laff: Well, I guess I lucked out, then, huh?

Cut to Tara in a bathroom at Sookie‘s, reaching for scissors. They play it up like she might be about to engage in some bodily harm, but instead she cuts off most of her hair, resulting in a really cute new ‘do. Sookie arrives home, and they chat over a meal. They bond again, sisters once more. Then Tara suddenly announces that she’s “gonna run over to Merlotte’s. Gotta talk to Lafayette.” They hug and Tara leaves.

Something’s going on here, not sure what.

Cut to a construction site. We see Alcide about to drive off in his truck, talking to Eric. “We’re done now, right? You leave my daddy and my family alone.” Off he goes. The camera pans to Russell, thrown into a deep pit, with wet concrete being poured around him. This is apparently Eric’s new plan to keep Russell from finding any redemption after the True Death. Russell won’t really be dead, but will be wrapped in silver and encased in concrete. He won’t get out for a long time. A hundred years for him to go mad with grief.

You think Eric has a little bit of a grudge?

Russell: “I will kill you both.”

Eric gets another vision from Godric, who is very disappointed that Eric couldn’t just let it go. Eric explains that “this is what you made me”. Eric hits a button that sends in more concrete, covering Russell. Godric vanishes, sad.

As Russell’s cries die out, Bill offers his hand to Eric, appearing interested in a truce. When Eric accepts his hand, Bill slaps some silver on it, immobilizing Eric. Bill then knocks Eric into another pit, and starts pouring in concrete. (I know, right?) While Eric disappears beneath the grayish goo, Bill whips out the phone he stole from Eric before shoving him in the pit. “Reuben” answers. Bill: “This is Northman. I want you to find my progeny Pam and kill her. Now.”

Cut to Hoyt and Jessica arriving at a house. He leads her, blindfolded, through the front door, then lets her see where they are. He’s put a security deposit down on their first home. Hoyt: “I want to marry you.” Jess: “We can’t.” Hoyt: “What’s to keep me from becoming a minister and marrying ourselves?”

It’s totally sweet. But as the camera pans away, we see what looks like a creepy voodoo doll lying in one of the other rooms. Great. Nobody can ever be happy in this show for any length of time.

Now we’re in some gun shop, and Momma Hoyt is checking out rifles, her face all pinched and Republican.

Sookie’s house, and a knock on the door. It’s Bill. “We must talk.” Sookie: “Come in.” (So I guess she’s already over her vampire ban.) They chat, with Bill fessing that Russell is gone (Sookie: “Yay!”), and so is Eric. Sookie: Wait. What? Why? Bill: He tasted you. Even if we go our separate ways, I must protect you. I intend to bring the True Death to all who have tasted you and know what you are. Even if it means not being a part of your life. This I swear to you.

Well, then.

The front door flies open, and there’s Eric on the porch. Oh?

Eric: “You did tell her that you were sent by the Queen of Louisiana, to procure her for what she might be?”

Sookie: “What?”

Bill: I didn’t know in the beginning why she wanted you. As I grew to know you, I purposely kept you from her.

Eric: What about you letting two psychos beat her, so you could feed her your blood the night you met? Think she’ll forgive you for that?

Sookie: Is it true?

Bill: Yes.

Eric: He tried to silence me tonight so you would never know. He doesn’t want to protect you. He only wants to protect himself.

Sookie, livid, to Bill: Get out of my house!

Bill is forced through the air but hangs onto the door frame: It was YOU I loved, not what you are.

Sookie: Don’t come near me. Don’t call me.

Bill: I love you.

Sookie: You don’t even get to use that word! I rescind my invitation.

Bill is forced down the porch steps and into the yard, flopping around in the dirt while Eric picks bits of concrete out of his hair.

Eric, to Sookie: I’m sorry to see you suffer like this, but I thought you had the right to know. Then he smirks, because he just got a notch up on the tracking spreadsheet of Sookie’s suitors.

Merlotte’s. Tara drives into the parking lot, gazes wistfully at the building, and then drives away.

She’s gone.

We see Tommy walking along a road. A jeep comes thundering along, and Tommy runs. It’s Sam, and he jumps out of the jeep and chases Tommy through the woods. There’s a confrontation, Sam demands his money back, pointing his gun at Tommy. Tommy doesn’t believe him and turns to go. Sam shoots. I’m guessing he was serious about wanting that money back.

Sookie’s house. She’s crying. Then she suddenly runs out the door. Maybe she forgot to pay the water bill.

Bill’s house. The Queen shows, all haughty. “Bring me the girl. I’ve waited so long to feel sunlight.” Bill: She’s not here. I brought you here under false pretenses. But I do have another surprise for you. Only one of us will leave this house.

They bare fangs and fly at each other.

Quick scene with Eric and Pam at Fangtasia. She’s fine, apparently surviving whatever Reuben tried to to, and getting home in time to watch “Wheel of Fortune”.

Back to Sookie, running through a graveyard. She finds Gran’s headstone. “I followed my heart, but it led me down a dead-end road. I’ve never felt so alone.”

Mystical music plays, and a woman appears. “Sookie, you’re not alone. Come with us.” The woman holds out her hand.

Sookie takes it. Pretty lights sparkle around then, and they vanish.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #163 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 11

We start out with something a little different, where they do an “In Memoriam” thing, where we get to see shots of all the people who have died on this show, while pretty, wistful music plays in the background. It’s kind of fun, but I was startled at how many times I went “Who the hell was that? Did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, we get to the real action, with Bill storming into Fangtasia, all huffy because he just got the intergalactic “I’m in trouble again” mind message from Sookie. Pam’s there, all irritated about something, as usual, and she tries lying to Bill. “They’re not here.” Sorry, Trixie, but Bill can smell her in the basement, a lovely aroma of sunshine, baked cookies, and the inability to mind her own business.

So Pam tries another angle. “Maybe she’s afraid of you” and that’s why she’s here. Bill does not want to play, snarling threats at Pam, which basically should be a standard day for her and her negative attitude. Pam snaps back: “I’m not the enemy. There’s a bigger picture.” This leads to a physical tussle, which Bill should easily win, being older and all, but Pammy cheats by whipping out a clever bottle of silver mist and spraying him in the face. He drops to his knees, totally caught off guard by the evil air freshener.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to Sookie, quivering and wild-eyed in the basement, and we see that foreign girl, no idea what her name is but she’s the one that didn’t get squat in Eric’s will, traipsing down the stairs with some bolt-cutters or something. She’s still mad about the inheritance exclusion and is going to set Sookie free just to piss off Eric. She gets to cuttin’ and snippin’.

Upstairs, Pam and Bill are rolling all over the place, with her going all hog-wild with squirting her compact death spray. Furniture gets broken, and somebody’s drink gets knocked over so they are NOT going to be happy when they get back from the bathroom.

Here come the duo from downstairs, with foreign girl whirling a heavy silver chain like it’s a rodeo. She manages to subdue Pam with such, while Sookie hovers around the blinded Bill and chatters endlessly, one of her specialties. During all this, Pam reveals that Sookie was going to be a gift from Eric to Russell, but that might not quite happen since Pam is now strapped to a stripper pole while Bill and The Gift race out the door.

Cut to Lafayette and Jesus, still basking in the afterglow of their acid trip with the V. Jesus thinks the whole thing was a real hoot, and wants to do it again. Laff is not so enthusiastic: “The blood can lie.” Jesus: “Did it feel like a lie? Let’s do it again! I wanna see my people!” Laff tries to talk him out of it. Not a good idea, hooker.

Suddenly, Jesus turns into this snarling gargoyle demon thing and lunges at Laff. Then it’s over, and it’s just Jesus again, smiling seductively. “What?” Laff blinks his heavily-painted eyes, not sure if that was real or a weird flashback. He decides to sleep on the meaning of it all. Alone. He sends Jesus packing. Holla at ya later.

Now we have Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that she’s a “were-panther”. That’s nice. Jason: “You could have given me a heads up.” Crystal gets really defensive really fast, so I guess were-panthers can be manic-depressive. Crystal: “Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault!” Jason, apparently not remembering the rest of his lines, runs out the door to look for Sookie instead of learning more about his hairy girlfriend.

Jessica and Hoyt are making out, on what looks like one of Bill’s ancient couches (I bet there’s some serious coinage up in there). Hoyt: “I can’t do nothin’ without you.” Jess: “I missed you so much!” Hoyt: “You saved me!” Jess, not fully understanding romantic wordplay: “I killed a trucker!”

Hoyt: Oh… um… you couldn’t really help it, right? An accident? Jess: Nope. Did it on purpose, I was still learning the trade. But you have to understand this is what I really am. I have to have human blood. I’m not gonna stop. Hoyt spends about three seconds on his response, then: “Drink me.” Girl is ON it, pronto.

Cut to the Jackson Art Museum. Russell is staring at some painting, missing his lost love Talbot while clutching the Waterford urn that contains Talbot’s gooey remains. Eric shows: “You loved him more than anyone.” That’s why he had to die. Russell: “Don’t be obscure.” Eric: Fine, then. A thousand years ago. Vikings. Dead parents. Blah, blah, blah. All because you wanted a crown for your stupid collection.

Russell smiles. “I’m SO excited to kill you.”

Eric: No, we’re even. Let me help you now. Russell: “You can’t possibly comprehend what I’m after.” Then he moves in to snap Eric’s neck or something. Eric: “I can offer you day-walking.” Russell pauses, skeptical. But if it’s really true: “No one could stand against me.” Eric: “If I’m wrong, you can kill me tomorrow.”

Then Eric’s phone rings. (Ring tone: “Aint’ We Got Fun!”) It’s Pam. Thought you might want to know that your parting gift for Russell has parted herself.

Bill and Sookie in the car. He wants to know why she went to Eric. She blows it off, which leads to Bill bringing up trust issues, and Sookie countering the trust issues with not being sure she can believe either one of them. Bill, wanting to save the relationship: Let’s try again. Want to? (Very sweet. But really, let’s cross off “staying alive” on our checklist first, shall we?)

Quick shot of Tara at Eggs’ grave, crying.

Merlotte’s, with Holly and Arlene chatting about the non-abortion abortion that Arlene is seeking. Holly: There’s not a 100% guarantee that it will work. Arlene: I just wanna get it over with.

Suddenly, Sam comes staggering into the bar, totally wasted. He’s all about the drunken hollering and rudeness. Terry tries to calm him down, but Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked” really bad word. That sets Arlene off, and she tears into Sam. (With Holly in the background, helpfully adding “And you’re polluting our vibes!”) Sam continues with the attitude and the meanness, causing Holly and Arlene to rip off their aprons and storm from the bar. (But not before Holly cryptically tells Arlene “Grab the salt. I forgot mine.”)

Cut to Jason in his truck, leaving a voice message for the non-answering Sookie. Oh look, he just happens to be parked outside the high-school football stadium. Let’s go see what’s up and relive our glory days when we were a star athlete and we didn’t have to be responsible for our lives.

Turns out some of the football team is having a late practice, including that cocky quarterback boy that we can’t stand. He’s throwing the football really hard, knocking people over. One of the passes even sails off into the night sky, never to be seen again. Oh? Jason nods knowingly.

Now we’re at Hoyt’s momma’s house, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Summer, crying about Hoyt not wanting her baking skills. “I even offered him my virginity!” Mom: “I appreciate that. Even if you broke God’s law.” Summer: “I showed him my best underwear!” Momma, realizing that this is one of the most profound sacrifices a girl can make, hugs Summer. “We are NOT finished.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Sam is now serving the tables because he’s made everybody mad. Tara strolls in and walks over to Sheriff Andy. “Mind if I sit?” she asks politely, but her expression is making it clear that if she gets any hint of disagreement she will cut. She just sits there and glares at him while he rattles about inane things. Then she finally interrupts him.

Tara: “I know about Eggs.” Then she launches, anger and invective filling the air. “You’re a dirty, dirty cop.”

Andy: “What are you gonna do?”

Tara: “What can I do?”

Andy: “I never wanted to be a hero.” Then he tells the truth about Eggs going crazy with the knife and being in tight with Mary Ann and other tidbits of nastiness that Eggs did. Tara is stunned, her fire suddenly out.

Sam marches up to Tommy: Get out there and “take some orders”. Tommy has no intention of doing so, not his fault if Sam chased everybody off. This turns into a huge fight, with Sam finally firing Tommy and telling him to get out of the rental house. Tommy: “Where am I supposed to go?” Sam: “Don’t care.”

Then Sam marches out into Merlotte’s proper, and orders all the patrons to leave. Tara completely ignores him, sitting at the bar and taking shots from what looks like a five-gallon barrel of tequila.

Bill and Sookie, still zooming down the road in her crappy car, imagining what life would be like if they could do anything they wanted. She wants to be a real estate agent. (Which I guess would make sense. There’s a lot of turnover in this town, what with folks dying all the time.) Bill wants to teach third grade. (Where the hell did THAT come from?)

Speaking of, Russell and Eric suddenly appear in the middle of the road, with Russell slamming his fist on the front hood of the crappy vehicle and causing it to almost flip over, which is kind of neat. Oh boy, change in plans.

Holly and Arlene are in the middle of some field, with Holly pouring a big salt circle and chanting. She’s also waving around a very impressive dagger, so let’s hope it’s for ceremonial purposes and not, you know, killing. While she’s flitting about, Holly compares momma stories with Arlene, and it seems neither one of them had very good relationships.

Holly suddenly blurts out: “You need a decoction!” Arlene and the audience stare at Holly in puzzlement, because that sounds really painful. Turns out it’s just a fancy name for the bubbling brew that Holly as been preparing in between rounds of flinging table condiments. Oh, and we just need one final ingredient. A drop of Arlene’s blood, as a sacrifice. This is SO not like going to Planned Parenthood.

And Holly has some final words as Arlene prepares to drink. “By the way, if a spirit is meant to be born, you can’t stop it.” Great.

Back to the football stadium, where the cocky quarterback is still pushing his team too hard until they get fed up and leave. Jason walks up to him. “You’re on V.” Cocky: Maybe. Jason: “That makes you a liar and a cheater. I’m taking you down.” Cocky: No you’re not. My parents are paying for the V and the principal takes V and has sex. Not worried.

Jason stomps off into the night, disillusioned. I’m wondering where I can get my hands on a brochure for this school.

Cut to Laff’s place, where he suddenly wakes up to find that all the cute little voodoo dolls in the den have turned evil and are having a party.

Over to Fangtasia, where the Sookie-mobile rolls up and the gang piles out. Eric whispers to Bill: “Hit me!” Just do it. Bill does, and they get into a nice hair-pulling rumble. Russell ignores the rough-housing and drags Sookie inside. Once the door closes, Eric says to Bill: “I have a plan.”

Tara and Sam, alone at Merlotte’s. Tara: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam: Hey, you get to show your feelings all the time. Tara schools him on the proper way to retain employees. Sam: “We got nobody.” Tara: “You got me.” This leads to flirting, quickly followed by tonguing, and the next thing you know we got hot and sweaty sex back at Sam’s place.

Quick shot of Tommy breaking into the safe in Sam’s office at Merlotte’s.

Next we have Arlene fishing in some swamp, and we know she don’t mess with dirty stuff so it’s got to be a dream. She hears her momma calling but doesn’t really feel compelled to go see what she’s hollerin’ about. Suddenly, Terry is waking her up back in her own bed. She starts to get out of bed, and then sees that there’s blood everywhere.

Terry starts to call 9-1-1, but she stops him. “I’m okay. But I think we’re losin’ the baby.” When he starts to break down, she soothes him. “We’ll cry later. Can you get me that big box of pads out of the bathroom?”

Jason gets home, and finds Crystal. Jason: “I don’t wanna break up. No one in this town is who they’re supposed to be.” Crystal: That’s swell. Now, can we go stop the drug bust at the meth lab before all my inbred kin get kilt?”

Back to Fangtasia, with Russell ogling the nubile Sookie. “Fairies? Am I a fool?” Eric: “She may be the last of her kind.” Sookie: You ain’t gonna drink from me. I ain’t nobody’s supernatural sunscreen. Bill stops her in mid-screech: “Just do it. He may let you live.”

Sookie’s eyes burn with confusion and raging at hatred towards Bill right at that moment. (Girl really needs to make up her mind about Bill, just sayin’.)

Russell has one condition for Eric about this arrangement: “You go first.” Eric: “Love to.”

Arlene and Terry at the hospital, with her consoling him even though she’s the one being forced to wear a backless gown. The doctor comes in with some interesting news. “The baby’s still on board. He’s one strong little critter.’ Terry turns handsprings. Arelene gulps.

Fangtasia. Sunrise.

Pam and Eric are off to one side. Pam: “Don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work?” Eric: “It will.”

They walk over and join the rest of the happy crowd. Bill’s chained up, Sookie’s chained up and still glaring at Bill, Russell’s thinking of who he can hurt next. He and Eric approach Sookie.

Bill: “Don’t drain her.” Otherwise, no more midnight fairy snacking, ever.

Russell gets impatient, grabs one of Sookie’s arms, and feeds. Eric quickly joins him.

Then Eric walks out the front door and into the sun. He does not burst into flames.

Russell and Pam watch on a security monitor, awed, while Sookie is sprawled on the table behind them, half-dead and not looking very pretty. Bill: “Unchain me! I have to feed Sookie!” They completely ignore him, gazing at the non-flaming Eric, eyes dancing with delight and potential daylight killing sprees.

Eric motions on the monitor for Russell to come out. Then he turns away from security camera, muttering “don’t let them see me”. We realize that his skin is starting to smoke. Uh oh.

Russell babbles some nonsense about manifest destiny, then he walks out the front door as well, almost in rapture at the touch of the sun.

Back inside, Pam is still watching the monitor, blood-tears dripping. Bill screams in the background, still insisting that he be allowed to feed Sookie. Pam couldn’t care less about anyone’s nutritional needs right at the moment.

Back outside, Eric suddenly turns to face Russell. Just as Russell realizes that Eric’s face is burning off, Eric snatches Russell’s arm and handcuffs Russell to his own body.

“Be brave. We’ll die together.”

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #155 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 9

We hit the ground running, with Eric thundering into Fangtasia and interrupting Pam as she peruses shoes on sluttyfootwear.com, bellowing “We need sanctuary!” Reacting quickly, because such rude yelling can only mean trouble is coming, Pam suggests hanging out at Sookie’s house. “We’ve both been invited in.” Eric vetoes this decision without any explanation, but I’m guessing that Sookie’s dewy freshness might distract him from matters at hand.

Then one of the pole dancer girls, Ginger or something, comes waltzing up. “The V-Feds is here!” Next thing you know, a really angry woman is leading a gang of storm troopers as they muck about the place. When Eric tries to politely explain that he has never done anything wrong in his entire life, the angry S.W.A.T. team woman decides he’s boring and hollers “Officers, silver him!”

At first, I’m not quite sure what this means, expecting something to do with a horse. Then one of the officers helpfully provides a demonstration by stomping up to Eric and putting a chunk of silver against his neck in an odd, Vulcan-death-grip kind of way. While Eric starts to slump, that trampy Ginger starts screaming her lungs out, so I’m assuming that Eric won’t be going out for ice cream.

Roll opening credits. Black gold, Texas tea.

Russ drops out of the sky back at his plantation, and then races to the library (or whatever that room is with the fireplace) and finds the Talbot goo. He wallers around in the mess, pining for his lost love and wailing. Then he spies the empty stand in the cabinet where the Viking helmet used to be. Oh?

Cut to Sookie in the shower at her house, cleaning off the Debbie debris and the Bill passion smears. Bill joins her under the water, and we have a nice montage of pretty music and glistening breasts. He heals her neck wounds with his own blood. (That is so sweet, right?) Then we have a shot of blood going down the drain in a touching tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and “Psycho”.

Once scrubbed and tingly, the two go downstairs where Sookie stumbles over a dead, naked werewolf man. Bill looks apologetic. My bad, didn’t put away my toys. Sookie sighs and tells him where to find a tarp. When he returns with such, she decides to do a bit of whining as they make a werewolf enchilada. “Normal couples do NOT do this. Just once I’d like to NOT find a dead body in my house.”

Bill: “You have to trust me!” He pauses. “You do, don’t you?”

Sookie: Well, there’s that secret file thing you’ve been keeping on me. Russell told me.

Bill: Oh, well, yeah, I have been taking a few notes. But it’s only to figure out why Eric wants you, figure out what you are.

Sookie, ignoring the fact that Eric might want her just because she’s hawt: “Do you know what I am?”

Bill: Nope, but I’m going to find out. Then they go back to scrubbing blood off the linoleum.

Over to Laff’s house, where Jesus is wearing a kimono. Laff decides to let Jesus stay the night, something he normally doesn’t do after having bumped uglies for the evening. This somehow leads to Jesus showing off his jaguar tattoo, which he finally says was his high school mascot, then Laff promptly caresses the jaguar with his tongue. And I’m thinking, what now? Are we about to be introduced to jaguar people? Because we already don’t have enough different kinds of creatures to keep track of?

Jason wanders home to find Crystal’s “ex-finace” (Felton?) in his front room as he terrorizes her. Jason whips out his trusty shotgun to get things in order. Heated words are exchanged and it appears that Crystal has told Felton that Jason kidnapped her. (What?) Then she hollers “he raped me, too!” Felton quickly attacks a stunned Jason and they tussle. Suddenly, Crystal grabs something and knocks Felton out.

Okay, this girl needs to quit playing both sides. This isn’t the Big Brother house.

Jason: “Could you not make me a rapist?”

Crystal: “He can escape handcuffs. Bring me some rope.” While Jason scampers off, Crystal searches Felton’s body and finds what looks like a baggie of V.

Back to Fangtasia, where Eric and the angry commando woman (I think her name is Nan) are discussing that the “basement is clean”, but Nan is still very suspicious about both the V supply and Russell, the missing Magister. She snaps her fingers and little underlings set up fancy webcams. Eric must now make a taped statement for “The Authority”. Oh boy.

Sams place, where Tara is sitting all quivery-like and sad, while Sam tries to comfort her. Maybe she should get some professional help? Tara: “I’m not going to a shrink!” Same gets a call from Terry. Seems Tommy is raising quite a racket over in his rented apartment. Sam splits, and Tara gets out a laptop, probably so she can finish placing Pam’s shoe order.

Fangtasia again, where Eric is explaining to mean Nan and The Authority the history of werewolves that feed on vampire blood, and how Russell is a really shady character that doesn’t want to exist with humans. Nan: “These are treasonous allegations!” (Just like your severe hairdo?) Why didn’t you tell somebody?

Eric: Uh, because The Authority has only been around for 200 years. Russell and I have known each other for a 1,000. (Check with your union steward, that gives me seniority.) And, oh yeah, my family was massacred. “I did not report because I want him to die at my own hands.”

Well, then. Nan: “The Authority will consider your case.” But I think it’s crap. She snaps her fingers again and the underlings begin loading up her Louis Vuitton interrogation gear. Eric: “But Russell is a threat, to all of us.” Nan: “Doesn’t matter. You’re on lockdown.”

Sam gets to Tommy’s (really his) apartment, and finds naked Tommy whooping it up with an equally naked tramp that he just met. Sam tries to get them to hold it down, but Tommy is all rude and cocky. It’s perfectly fine with me if anybody wants to kill off the Tommy character. Really don’t care for him.

Cut to Crystal and Jason tying the still-unconscious Felton to some tree in a field. Then Jason calls the sheriff’s office, uses an Elroy Jetson voice to report they found a surprise out here, and then they drive off. Jason, Jason, Jason. That Crystal girl got you doin’ bad stuff, sho nuff.

Quick scene the next morning, as Lafayette and Jesus get Momma all prettied up to take her back to the nuthouse. When Mom sees that Laff isn’t wearing any makeup for a change, and that Jesus might have something to do with this decision, she decides that gays might not be so bad after all. See, it’s the small things that change the world. Like mascara.

Jason and Crystal show up at the sheriff’s office (why, I don’t know) where they find “Rosie” bawling her head off. Andy explains she’s all sad because “we got a man down”. Seems they sent an officer out to investigate the call about a man tied to a tree, and there was an ambush. Crystal and Jason glance at each other. Whoopsie. Then Crystal happens to also glance at Kenya, who happens to be leading a prisoner out of the jail, who happens to be the guy that’s Crystal’s cousin. And he happens to see her, talking to the police. Whoopsie, part two. (That girl is trouble, I’m telling you.)

A bit later, Jason is in Andy’s office, trying to convince Andy that the meth lab is now dealing in V, and that we need to bust em up again. Andy hems and haws, which is his specialty, except when he’s seeing giant pigs in the woods, then agrees that if Jason can make a connection, we’ll go back to the lab and shut er down. Jason runs like the wind to tell his dangerous and illiterate girlfriend, while Andy opens a desk drawer and stares at a baggy of V.

Tara shows up for some type of group counseling. Lo and behold, she runs into Holly, that new waitress from Merlotte’s. Holly starts the session, explaining that she’s a rape survivor, and that it took a long time, but things are getting better and I “still believe people are worth trusting.” Pretty deep.

Sookie’s house, where she’s sitting on the couch and looking at a scrapbook. (Girl, put that thing down. You still have mud and stuff on the walls of the house from that crazy Mary Anne woman and her rowdy friends.) Hadley calls: Why are you still there? Anyway, I’m at the Aquarium in Monroe, there’s someone I want you to meet. Click.

Two seconds later, Sookie is running in the door of said aquarium, so she must have found a really good taxi. Hadley’s just full of chatter: Let’s see. I got involved with Sophie Anne, the vampire queen of Upper Bologna. I told her things. She told other people these things. And now lots of people are trying to kill you. It’s all my fault! Oh, and I kidnapped my own child from his daycare. Can you tell me if he’s psychic like you? And there’s a sale at the Piggly Wiggly, ten limes for a dollar.

Sookie wanders over to Hunter, the AWOL daycare statistic, and right away they can communicate with each other using only their minds. For some reason, this causes Hadley to freak. She grabs Hunter and runs out the door, yelling “the less you know, the better!” Sookie just stands there, flummoxed, while pretty fish swim in the background.

Then we’re at Merlotte’s, where Arlene is really angry about Tommy stealing her tips. Tommy is his usual worthless self, lying. Sam intervenes, telling Tommy: “I’m taking that money out of your salary.”

Second request to have the Tommy character killed off. Anybody?

Cut to Arlene sobbing in Sam’s office, because life has been too much lately, what with naked people playing rock music next door and tips getting stolen and carrying a serial killer’s baby. Enter new waitress Holly, who apparently has been hired to counsel everybody in town. She soothes Arlene, while Arlene admits to slight qualms about bringing an evil child into the world. When Arlene balks at Holly’s hint that she should just “go to a clinic”, Holly smiles mysteriously and says: “There are other ways to resolve this.”

I’m thinking these “other ways” are probably not normal ways. Just sayin.

Next we have Bill in a basement, where he is woken up by water dripping through the floorboards above him. He opens the floor door and finds himself in Sookie’s Dream Garden. That was neat. Everything is pretty and nice. Then the tranquility is interrupted by that Claudine Dream Woman, running up and hollering at Bill: “You killed her!”

That was just rude, so Bill chases her down and tries to bite, but she shoots magic energy out of her hand to throw him off. Hey, just like Sookie can do! Claudine, adjusting her diaphanous gown, warns Bill to leave Sookie alone. “We have protected her!” Bill just stands there. What ARE you?

Fangtasia, with Eric, looking really tired, and Pam, looking quite refreshed as she climbs out of her Vampire 3000 Sleep Chamber. Pam wants to know what she can do to help. Eric will not allow her to take any responsibility. Pam: We’ve been together a 100 years! (Really? Hmmm.) Why didn’t you tell me about Russell, and your family, and your odd infatuation with hair gel? We can’t just end this. Eric: Everything ends. Perhaps it’s your time to be a maker. Then they stare glumly at each other while a cold wind blows, and a discreet credit rolls across the screen: “The scene was directed by Ingmar Bergman. Fin.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Jessica is all happy and skipping, then Hoyt walks in with that Biscuit Maker girl. Jess is upset, barely able to suppress her emotions as she seats them and then stomps off. Biscuit Maker (aka Summer): “I’m so glad you chose life. Vampires are dead!”

Can’t stand her.

Crystal and Jason, somewhere. Crystal: “Tito thinks I’m a snitch!” (Her cousin.) Jason: Whatev. “Hey, we are gonna bust Hotshot!” (The meth lab thing.) Crystal, her face wrinkling: “What’s gonna happen? Those are my kin! You can’t send those kids into the system.” This is entirely too much information for Jason to digest, so he just sits there. Why doesn’t everybody get as excited about drug busts as he does? Dang it.

Lafayette and Jesus flirt over a veggie burger.

Then Laff and Tara make girl talk. Tara, about Jesus: “Is this a thing?” Just might be, hooker. She’s happy for him, but still sad, like she probably will be the rest of the series.

Biscuit Summer excuses herself to go reapply some fakeness in the Ladies’ Room, so Jessica zips up to apologize to Hoyt, and they chat. Jess: “Does she at least make you happy?” Hoyt: “I hate her.” Dolls, and show tunes, and she will NOT stop talking. Jess: Then why? Hoyt: “Beats sittin’ around thinking about you.” Which makes Jessica cry blood tears, which is always a little unnerving, and makes me think of Marilyn Manson concerts.

Fangtasia parking lot, with the V-Fed people driving up, while Russell watches from a nearby roof. He has the Talbot goo with him, in a crystal urn. He mumbles to it for a bit, swearing revenge in an overly dramatic fashion, which is stupid, because there’s no one there to see him. Then he flies into the air.

Meanwhile, down below, Nan marches into Fangtasia, reporting the ruling to Eric. “The Authority disavows any knowledge that any of this took place.” You will take care of this Russell thing on your own. This is completely off the books, and your problem. “Bring me his fangs, or I will have yours.” Then she stomps off to go kill innocent woodland creatures.

Merlotte’s again, where Crystal’s redneck daddy barges in. Sam tries to make him leave. When Daddy proves obstinate, Sam goes berserk and starts walloping the hell out of Daddy, his ferociousness stunning everybody in the room. (Well, except for Tommy, who smirks. Of course he would. Hey Sam, while you’re at it, give Tommy a serving of today’s special as well.)

Cut to Hoyt and Laff loading mangled Daddy into a car, preparing to whisk him to a hospital. Crazy, lying Crystal comes running out and wants to go with. Jason tries to stop her. She is determined. “He’s my daddy!” Despite the drinking and the beatings and the probable incest. She hops in and Laff tears out.

Tara, watching all this mess from off to the side of the parking, is wearing another one of her sad faces. Suddenly, Franklin grabs her from behind (ten points to those of you who bet he wasn’t really dead) and drags her up against a convenient shed. He has some questions for her. “Why would you try to kill the one you love?”

Tara, spitting: “I DON’T love you!”

Franklin, craziness bubbling: “You didn’t even mourn me.”

Tara: “You don’t love anything. You can’t. You’re a psychopath!”

Franklin: Really? Well, then I might have to kill you.

Tara: “Then kill me!” And she proceeds to totally read him, chewing him up and spitting him out. (Um, figuratively, that is. I forget this show’s audience sometimes, thought I’d better clarify.) It’s quite fun, really. And Tara ends with: “The second I’m gone, I’ll be free of YOU!”

Enter Jason with his shotgun.

Franklin, smirking: “I’m a vamp. I’ll heal.”

Oh, really? Jason fires anyway, and Franklin explodes into the messy goop meaning he done gone for good. Seems Jason had a wooden bullet in that there gun. How nice.

Sookie’s house, with Bill showing up, apparently past his curfew, because Sookie is all worked up about it. “Where have you been?” I’ve been so worried that I almost couldn’t finish watching “The Big Bang Theory”. Anyway, I went to see Hadley and she knows things about me and I have at least two outfits that you haven’t seen me wear.

Bill: “I think I know why they want you. I know what you ARE.”

And of course we cut away, because teasers keep the ratings up, right?

Cut to Nan in a car, heading to the airport because she needs to go be mean to people in Oregon or something. She’s snacking on a human, even though she swears to everybody else that she only swills True Blood. Anyway, her attention to the inner thigh of a young lovely is diverted when the news program she has on in the background is interrupted by something unusual.

Namely, Russell storming onto the news set and gutting the anchor with his bare hands. Then he screams at the tech people to keep things running. “My name is Russell Edgington.” And then he goes on a long-winded, elaborate rant, waving about the section of spine he just ripped from the hapless anchor, who is suddenly getting the best ratings he will ever have, he just won’t be able to enjoy them. (And what is it with the older vampires using so many words? Does it come from having all that time on their hands?)

Anyway, Russell wraps it up with this: “In the end, we are nothing like you. We drink the true blood. The AVL is trying to hide from you. Mine is the true face of vampires. Why would we seek equal rights? We are NOT equal. We will eat you. After we eat your children.

And now, time for the weather. Tiffany?”

Roll end credits.