Searching For Signal: #155 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 9

We hit the ground running, with Eric thundering into Fangtasia and interrupting Pam as she peruses shoes on sluttyfootwear.com, bellowing “We need sanctuary!” Reacting quickly, because such rude yelling can only mean trouble is coming, Pam suggests hanging out at Sookie’s house. “We’ve both been invited in.” Eric vetoes this decision without any explanation, but I’m guessing that Sookie’s dewy freshness might distract him from matters at hand.

Then one of the pole dancer girls, Ginger or something, comes waltzing up. “The V-Feds is here!” Next thing you know, a really angry woman is leading a gang of storm troopers as they muck about the place. When Eric tries to politely explain that he has never done anything wrong in his entire life, the angry S.W.A.T. team woman decides he’s boring and hollers “Officers, silver him!”

At first, I’m not quite sure what this means, expecting something to do with a horse. Then one of the officers helpfully provides a demonstration by stomping up to Eric and putting a chunk of silver against his neck in an odd, Vulcan-death-grip kind of way. While Eric starts to slump, that trampy Ginger starts screaming her lungs out, so I’m assuming that Eric won’t be going out for ice cream.

Roll opening credits. Black gold, Texas tea.

Russ drops out of the sky back at his plantation, and then races to the library (or whatever that room is with the fireplace) and finds the Talbot goo. He wallers around in the mess, pining for his lost love and wailing. Then he spies the empty stand in the cabinet where the Viking helmet used to be. Oh?

Cut to Sookie in the shower at her house, cleaning off the Debbie debris and the Bill passion smears. Bill joins her under the water, and we have a nice montage of pretty music and glistening breasts. He heals her neck wounds with his own blood. (That is so sweet, right?) Then we have a shot of blood going down the drain in a touching tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and “Psycho”.

Once scrubbed and tingly, the two go downstairs where Sookie stumbles over a dead, naked werewolf man. Bill looks apologetic. My bad, didn’t put away my toys. Sookie sighs and tells him where to find a tarp. When he returns with such, she decides to do a bit of whining as they make a werewolf enchilada. “Normal couples do NOT do this. Just once I’d like to NOT find a dead body in my house.”

Bill: “You have to trust me!” He pauses. “You do, don’t you?”

Sookie: Well, there’s that secret file thing you’ve been keeping on me. Russell told me.

Bill: Oh, well, yeah, I have been taking a few notes. But it’s only to figure out why Eric wants you, figure out what you are.

Sookie, ignoring the fact that Eric might want her just because she’s hawt: “Do you know what I am?”

Bill: Nope, but I’m going to find out. Then they go back to scrubbing blood off the linoleum.

Over to Laff’s house, where Jesus is wearing a kimono. Laff decides to let Jesus stay the night, something he normally doesn’t do after having bumped uglies for the evening. This somehow leads to Jesus showing off his jaguar tattoo, which he finally says was his high school mascot, then Laff promptly caresses the jaguar with his tongue. And I’m thinking, what now? Are we about to be introduced to jaguar people? Because we already don’t have enough different kinds of creatures to keep track of?

Jason wanders home to find Crystal’s “ex-finace” (Felton?) in his front room as he terrorizes her. Jason whips out his trusty shotgun to get things in order. Heated words are exchanged and it appears that Crystal has told Felton that Jason kidnapped her. (What?) Then she hollers “he raped me, too!” Felton quickly attacks a stunned Jason and they tussle. Suddenly, Crystal grabs something and knocks Felton out.

Okay, this girl needs to quit playing both sides. This isn’t the Big Brother house.

Jason: “Could you not make me a rapist?”

Crystal: “He can escape handcuffs. Bring me some rope.” While Jason scampers off, Crystal searches Felton’s body and finds what looks like a baggie of V.

Back to Fangtasia, where Eric and the angry commando woman (I think her name is Nan) are discussing that the “basement is clean”, but Nan is still very suspicious about both the V supply and Russell, the missing Magister. She snaps her fingers and little underlings set up fancy webcams. Eric must now make a taped statement for “The Authority”. Oh boy.

Sams place, where Tara is sitting all quivery-like and sad, while Sam tries to comfort her. Maybe she should get some professional help? Tara: “I’m not going to a shrink!” Same gets a call from Terry. Seems Tommy is raising quite a racket over in his rented apartment. Sam splits, and Tara gets out a laptop, probably so she can finish placing Pam’s shoe order.

Fangtasia again, where Eric is explaining to mean Nan and The Authority the history of werewolves that feed on vampire blood, and how Russell is a really shady character that doesn’t want to exist with humans. Nan: “These are treasonous allegations!” (Just like your severe hairdo?) Why didn’t you tell somebody?

Eric: Uh, because The Authority has only been around for 200 years. Russell and I have known each other for a 1,000. (Check with your union steward, that gives me seniority.) And, oh yeah, my family was massacred. “I did not report because I want him to die at my own hands.”

Well, then. Nan: “The Authority will consider your case.” But I think it’s crap. She snaps her fingers again and the underlings begin loading up her Louis Vuitton interrogation gear. Eric: “But Russell is a threat, to all of us.” Nan: “Doesn’t matter. You’re on lockdown.”

Sam gets to Tommy’s (really his) apartment, and finds naked Tommy whooping it up with an equally naked tramp that he just met. Sam tries to get them to hold it down, but Tommy is all rude and cocky. It’s perfectly fine with me if anybody wants to kill off the Tommy character. Really don’t care for him.

Cut to Crystal and Jason tying the still-unconscious Felton to some tree in a field. Then Jason calls the sheriff’s office, uses an Elroy Jetson voice to report they found a surprise out here, and then they drive off. Jason, Jason, Jason. That Crystal girl got you doin’ bad stuff, sho nuff.

Quick scene the next morning, as Lafayette and Jesus get Momma all prettied up to take her back to the nuthouse. When Mom sees that Laff isn’t wearing any makeup for a change, and that Jesus might have something to do with this decision, she decides that gays might not be so bad after all. See, it’s the small things that change the world. Like mascara.

Jason and Crystal show up at the sheriff’s office (why, I don’t know) where they find “Rosie” bawling her head off. Andy explains she’s all sad because “we got a man down”. Seems they sent an officer out to investigate the call about a man tied to a tree, and there was an ambush. Crystal and Jason glance at each other. Whoopsie. Then Crystal happens to also glance at Kenya, who happens to be leading a prisoner out of the jail, who happens to be the guy that’s Crystal’s cousin. And he happens to see her, talking to the police. Whoopsie, part two. (That girl is trouble, I’m telling you.)

A bit later, Jason is in Andy’s office, trying to convince Andy that the meth lab is now dealing in V, and that we need to bust em up again. Andy hems and haws, which is his specialty, except when he’s seeing giant pigs in the woods, then agrees that if Jason can make a connection, we’ll go back to the lab and shut er down. Jason runs like the wind to tell his dangerous and illiterate girlfriend, while Andy opens a desk drawer and stares at a baggy of V.

Tara shows up for some type of group counseling. Lo and behold, she runs into Holly, that new waitress from Merlotte’s. Holly starts the session, explaining that she’s a rape survivor, and that it took a long time, but things are getting better and I “still believe people are worth trusting.” Pretty deep.

Sookie’s house, where she’s sitting on the couch and looking at a scrapbook. (Girl, put that thing down. You still have mud and stuff on the walls of the house from that crazy Mary Anne woman and her rowdy friends.) Hadley calls: Why are you still there? Anyway, I’m at the Aquarium in Monroe, there’s someone I want you to meet. Click.

Two seconds later, Sookie is running in the door of said aquarium, so she must have found a really good taxi. Hadley’s just full of chatter: Let’s see. I got involved with Sophie Anne, the vampire queen of Upper Bologna. I told her things. She told other people these things. And now lots of people are trying to kill you. It’s all my fault! Oh, and I kidnapped my own child from his daycare. Can you tell me if he’s psychic like you? And there’s a sale at the Piggly Wiggly, ten limes for a dollar.

Sookie wanders over to Hunter, the AWOL daycare statistic, and right away they can communicate with each other using only their minds. For some reason, this causes Hadley to freak. She grabs Hunter and runs out the door, yelling “the less you know, the better!” Sookie just stands there, flummoxed, while pretty fish swim in the background.

Then we’re at Merlotte’s, where Arlene is really angry about Tommy stealing her tips. Tommy is his usual worthless self, lying. Sam intervenes, telling Tommy: “I’m taking that money out of your salary.”

Second request to have the Tommy character killed off. Anybody?

Cut to Arlene sobbing in Sam’s office, because life has been too much lately, what with naked people playing rock music next door and tips getting stolen and carrying a serial killer’s baby. Enter new waitress Holly, who apparently has been hired to counsel everybody in town. She soothes Arlene, while Arlene admits to slight qualms about bringing an evil child into the world. When Arlene balks at Holly’s hint that she should just “go to a clinic”, Holly smiles mysteriously and says: “There are other ways to resolve this.”

I’m thinking these “other ways” are probably not normal ways. Just sayin.

Next we have Bill in a basement, where he is woken up by water dripping through the floorboards above him. He opens the floor door and finds himself in Sookie’s Dream Garden. That was neat. Everything is pretty and nice. Then the tranquility is interrupted by that Claudine Dream Woman, running up and hollering at Bill: “You killed her!”

That was just rude, so Bill chases her down and tries to bite, but she shoots magic energy out of her hand to throw him off. Hey, just like Sookie can do! Claudine, adjusting her diaphanous gown, warns Bill to leave Sookie alone. “We have protected her!” Bill just stands there. What ARE you?

Fangtasia, with Eric, looking really tired, and Pam, looking quite refreshed as she climbs out of her Vampire 3000 Sleep Chamber. Pam wants to know what she can do to help. Eric will not allow her to take any responsibility. Pam: We’ve been together a 100 years! (Really? Hmmm.) Why didn’t you tell me about Russell, and your family, and your odd infatuation with hair gel? We can’t just end this. Eric: Everything ends. Perhaps it’s your time to be a maker. Then they stare glumly at each other while a cold wind blows, and a discreet credit rolls across the screen: “The scene was directed by Ingmar Bergman. Fin.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Jessica is all happy and skipping, then Hoyt walks in with that Biscuit Maker girl. Jess is upset, barely able to suppress her emotions as she seats them and then stomps off. Biscuit Maker (aka Summer): “I’m so glad you chose life. Vampires are dead!”

Can’t stand her.

Crystal and Jason, somewhere. Crystal: “Tito thinks I’m a snitch!” (Her cousin.) Jason: Whatev. “Hey, we are gonna bust Hotshot!” (The meth lab thing.) Crystal, her face wrinkling: “What’s gonna happen? Those are my kin! You can’t send those kids into the system.” This is entirely too much information for Jason to digest, so he just sits there. Why doesn’t everybody get as excited about drug busts as he does? Dang it.

Lafayette and Jesus flirt over a veggie burger.

Then Laff and Tara make girl talk. Tara, about Jesus: “Is this a thing?” Just might be, hooker. She’s happy for him, but still sad, like she probably will be the rest of the series.

Biscuit Summer excuses herself to go reapply some fakeness in the Ladies’ Room, so Jessica zips up to apologize to Hoyt, and they chat. Jess: “Does she at least make you happy?” Hoyt: “I hate her.” Dolls, and show tunes, and she will NOT stop talking. Jess: Then why? Hoyt: “Beats sittin’ around thinking about you.” Which makes Jessica cry blood tears, which is always a little unnerving, and makes me think of Marilyn Manson concerts.

Fangtasia parking lot, with the V-Fed people driving up, while Russell watches from a nearby roof. He has the Talbot goo with him, in a crystal urn. He mumbles to it for a bit, swearing revenge in an overly dramatic fashion, which is stupid, because there’s no one there to see him. Then he flies into the air.

Meanwhile, down below, Nan marches into Fangtasia, reporting the ruling to Eric. “The Authority disavows any knowledge that any of this took place.” You will take care of this Russell thing on your own. This is completely off the books, and your problem. “Bring me his fangs, or I will have yours.” Then she stomps off to go kill innocent woodland creatures.

Merlotte’s again, where Crystal’s redneck daddy barges in. Sam tries to make him leave. When Daddy proves obstinate, Sam goes berserk and starts walloping the hell out of Daddy, his ferociousness stunning everybody in the room. (Well, except for Tommy, who smirks. Of course he would. Hey Sam, while you’re at it, give Tommy a serving of today’s special as well.)

Cut to Hoyt and Laff loading mangled Daddy into a car, preparing to whisk him to a hospital. Crazy, lying Crystal comes running out and wants to go with. Jason tries to stop her. She is determined. “He’s my daddy!” Despite the drinking and the beatings and the probable incest. She hops in and Laff tears out.

Tara, watching all this mess from off to the side of the parking, is wearing another one of her sad faces. Suddenly, Franklin grabs her from behind (ten points to those of you who bet he wasn’t really dead) and drags her up against a convenient shed. He has some questions for her. “Why would you try to kill the one you love?”

Tara, spitting: “I DON’T love you!”

Franklin, craziness bubbling: “You didn’t even mourn me.”

Tara: “You don’t love anything. You can’t. You’re a psychopath!”

Franklin: Really? Well, then I might have to kill you.

Tara: “Then kill me!” And she proceeds to totally read him, chewing him up and spitting him out. (Um, figuratively, that is. I forget this show’s audience sometimes, thought I’d better clarify.) It’s quite fun, really. And Tara ends with: “The second I’m gone, I’ll be free of YOU!”

Enter Jason with his shotgun.

Franklin, smirking: “I’m a vamp. I’ll heal.”

Oh, really? Jason fires anyway, and Franklin explodes into the messy goop meaning he done gone for good. Seems Jason had a wooden bullet in that there gun. How nice.

Sookie’s house, with Bill showing up, apparently past his curfew, because Sookie is all worked up about it. “Where have you been?” I’ve been so worried that I almost couldn’t finish watching “The Big Bang Theory”. Anyway, I went to see Hadley and she knows things about me and I have at least two outfits that you haven’t seen me wear.

Bill: “I think I know why they want you. I know what you ARE.”

And of course we cut away, because teasers keep the ratings up, right?

Cut to Nan in a car, heading to the airport because she needs to go be mean to people in Oregon or something. She’s snacking on a human, even though she swears to everybody else that she only swills True Blood. Anyway, her attention to the inner thigh of a young lovely is diverted when the news program she has on in the background is interrupted by something unusual.

Namely, Russell storming onto the news set and gutting the anchor with his bare hands. Then he screams at the tech people to keep things running. “My name is Russell Edgington.” And then he goes on a long-winded, elaborate rant, waving about the section of spine he just ripped from the hapless anchor, who is suddenly getting the best ratings he will ever have, he just won’t be able to enjoy them. (And what is it with the older vampires using so many words? Does it come from having all that time on their hands?)

Anyway, Russell wraps it up with this: “In the end, we are nothing like you. We drink the true blood. The AVL is trying to hide from you. Mine is the true face of vampires. Why would we seek equal rights? We are NOT equal. We will eat you. After we eat your children.

And now, time for the weather. Tiffany?”

Roll end credits.