Sunday, August 15, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Taio Cruz - “Dynamite”

There’s something really wrong in the town where Taio is filming this video.

First, we’re at a chop shop of some kind, with cars and bits of cars all over the place. Chop shops are basically illegal, so I’m sure it was purely an accident that the producers filmed here, because they would never promote illegal activities, right? Anyway, the wrongness continues, because all of the busy little workers are sweaty, skinny woman wearing tiny pieces of clothing. It looks like the wardrobe department bought one outfit and everybody had to share, getting a swatch or two and maybe a button.

So some of the skanky girls are running machinery that they’d never even seen before walking onto the set, while others are lounging about on and in the cars. Maybe the loungers are suffering from heat stroke, because they keep fanning themselves with erotically-shaped tools, or there’s a union issue about how many people can be touching machinery when there’s that much sweat in the room.

While one girl wearing a hardhat appears to be giving herself a bikini wax with a socket wrench, Taio drives up on a motorcycle. (We seem him arrive twice, just to make sure you see how cool he is.) He swaps his helmet (safety first!) for a pair of shades, hops off the cycle, and then immediately bursts into song, singing in a really high voice, so there must have been some chafing on the way over.

I guess this voice sounds really sexy in person, because most of the girls start touching various body parts and arching their backs. When Taio suddenly darts off to some unknown destination, two of the girls grab metal briefcases and run after him, so maybe they’re practicing to be flight attendants. So then we watch Taio marching across the salvage yard, accompanied by his hooker business associates who have learned the critical skill of stomping their thigh-high boots to the beat.

Along the way, we get lots of shots of more sweaty girls sticking their booties at the camera, bent over abandoned cars for no apparent reason, digging around. (Is this a scavenger hunt at the Playboy Mansion?) It’s a really big yard, so it takes them a while to get to their destination. Which turns out to be right where we started, because we see this same girl again, using a welding torch on what looks like a garbage disposal. (Really good editing, eh?)

Oh, now Taio is singing about throwing his hands up in the air, and then he does just that so we can understand what he means. (The camera focuses on his arm extending skyward, so the slower folks can understand where “air” is.) I guess Taio thinks that was fun, because now he’s doing lots of hand gestures. I’m not sure what any of these movements mean, but I believe I hear a plane land.

Then we start getting glimpses of this really trashy girl in the backseat of a car. She has a female companion with her, but you don’t really notice her because the main trashy girl flops around and waves her Cosmo about, hogging the scene. Her legs are dirty but she doesn’t care because she’s got a really skinny headband that’s way cool.

Hey, Taio just found a convenient stage in the middle of the salvage yard. He hops on it, and it’s instantly nighttime and hundreds of girls are gyrating near the stage with total sexual abandonment, because he’s that good. (If good means repeating the same words over and over while he wiggles his hips to show that not all people have been blessed with rhythm.)

Wait a minute. Depending on the camera angle, it’s daylight in some scenes and night in the other. Seriously, who hired the editor on this thing? Was she one of the tired girls passed-out in the flatbed of a pickup we saw earlier? Complicating all this is that some other idiot keeps welding during the concert, and sparks are flying all over the place. You know that fire could spread through that sea of hairdos in mere seconds. With that amount of hair product, it’s like jet fuel up in here.

Short scenes with a couple of the hooker associates wearing Stevie Nicks scarves, sitting on her couch, and pulling dynamite out of one of the briefcases. That looks entirely safe, yes? We turn away before we learn who they might be mad at.

Okay, why is Taio now marching across the salvage yard again? Wasn’t he just on stage, helping the entire female population achieve sexual release? Making matters even more confusing is the hooker associate marching behind him on the right. That supermodel swimsuit thing she’s wearing cannot be comfortable. But she’s a trooper, pausing to lean against a car and play with her hair so we know she’s okay.

Taio sings that “hands up in the air” bit again, but this time his arms remain at his sides, so I’m assuming someone told him that other mess was stupid and stop doing it. Instead we get close-ups of sweaty, barely-constrained breasts. Oh, and more shots of mean-faced girl with her Cosmos. Her partner has one, too, and they way they are rubbing against each other indicates that somebody, somewhere has been watching “The L Word”.

And of course, what video that objectifies women would be complete without a bathing sequence? So here we go, with nymphets splashing about in an oversized tub and blowing bubbles at one another like it’s the most fun thing ever. (Insert odd shot of Taio on his motorcycle, revving the engine so the rear wheel spins but the bike isn’t going anywhere. Surely this doesn’t mean that Taio is sterile, does it?) More bubbles and wetness, with one girl waving about a pink flamingo. (If Divine suddenly walks around a corner, the madness will be complete.)

Then it’s time for more of that “hands in the air” chorus, and Taio has forgotten the notes from the director and throws his hands up again. To show their displeasure, the producers set off a bomb directly behind Taio’s stage and flames fill the air. The crowd of girls thrills to this development, and anyone who hasn’t had an orgasm by this point does so now. (One dirty girl even does a backbend, she’s in such a frenzy.)

More welding sparks sprinkle across the stage, but no one cares about their hair anymore and everybody shimmies all crazy-eyed while Taio finishes out the song, the girls basically slam-dancing in a nice soft-porn tribute to Cinemax After Dark.

As the simulated copulation fades away, Taio gets on his motorcyle and rides off into the night. Or day. Depends on whether or not they fired that editor…



Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

1 comment:

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