Searching For Signal: #149 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 13

Okay, Jules is here, so we know there’s going to be some bag-packing and awkward moments when Julie tries to bond with the houseguests but her complete un-hipness will derail things. Julie proclaims that “all has been exposed!” about the Hayden and Kristen showmance, but that’s not really true. If there had been actual exposure of the slap and tickle, CBS would be facing stiff fines and Janet Jackson would be going “See, look how easy it is to get your ass in trouble.”

The Announcer Guy babbles that we get to learn who America picked as the new Saboteur. Fine, I’ll watch long enough to learn that, not promising anything else.

Then Julie is belching about what promises to be the “most powerful HOH competition of the summer”. Who knows what this means. Chances are pretty strong that Julie doesn’t know either. She’s just here to read the cue cards and not dispel the rumors that she has a steel rod shoved in a personal orifice.

We have a run of Diary Room confessions concerning the fact that Britney did NOT use the Power of Veto to save Hayden and his hair.

Hayden: “We had a deal! Something went wrong.” That’s fairly obvious, Hayden. I’m guessing you weren’t the Valedictorian when you graduated.

Britney: “Right before the Veto Ceremony, Rachel said she might put up Lane.” So?

Rachel: “I said that to Britney on purpose.” Tee hee.

Quick scene with Kathy and Kristen jumping into the daybed together and practically snuggling. Discuss.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room, celebrating that the nominations stayed the same and that they are young and sex is still fun. Rachel: “We get to break up another strong alliance!” (Brendon pauses. Wait, are there alliances in this game? Who knew?) Hayden drops by. Just wanted to let you no that there’s “no animosity” between us. (Why do so many people in this house insist on using words that they don’t really understand?) Rachel and Brendon (especially Brendon) assure Hayden that he has nothing to worry about.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I don’t even have to campaign.” Dude, never assume anything in this house.

Britney runs to tell Enzo that Rachel said she would put up Lane as a replacement. (That girl is just a little trouble-maker, have you noticed?) Enzo gets all bent out of shape, cussing and threatening vengeance against Rachel and Brendon. Then again, Enzo hasn’t won crap when it comes to the competitions, making his threats as empty as other things that have come out of New Jersey. Except for the “Bon Jovi” thing. That was pretty sweet.

Hayden and Kristen in some room, both of them sad and wondering if Kristen will ever recover from having to wear that wig. Britney barges in. “I feel really bad about not using the Veto, but Rachel said she was going to nominate Lane” and I just can’t do that to someone else who knows about farms. (Kristen in the Diary Room: “Rachel purposely derailed this!” Uh, yeah Kristen, she wants your butt out.)

Britney flounces off to check her nail polish stock, leaving Hayden and Kristen to waller around on the bed and feel devastated by their undying love being ripped apart. Kristen cries (surprise!) because she doesn’t want to campaign against Hayden. Hayden says he won’t be mad at all if she does, he understands. Kristen’s tears instantly dry. Really?

Britney, Matt and Ragan are in the HOH Room, taking advantage of the fact that Rachel and Brendon are out in the courtyard, most likely having sex while someone is shoved against the jets in the hot tub. Britney and Matt, for no apparent reason, are having fun dressing up like Rachel and parading around the room, mocking her, while Ragan just sort of sits there thinking “you people have nothing on my people when it comes to costumes.”

Lo and behold., Rachel and Brendon march into the room, surprising the members of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Totally busted. Yet, when Rachel is finally given an opportunity to be justifiably outraged at her fellow houseguests, it flies right over her head. (Rachel in the Diary Room: “It was hilarious!” Britney in the Diary Room: “Rachel is so freaking clueless.” Rachel again in the Diary Room: “The highest form of flattery is totally making fun of someone.”)

Poor Rachel. Not only does she screw up famous quotes, she’s clearly suffered one too many high-kicks to the head.

Cut to The Brigade working out in the courtyard, all four of them, because they have totally not perfected the art of keeping their alliance on the down-low. We spy Kristen sitting on the patio, fingering her wig. Suddenly, inspiration hits. Wait a minute, those guys are ALWAYS together! Is something going on?

Holy cow. Finally, SOMEbody in this place has somewhat spotted something that has been obvious since two minutes after the houseguests first clattered into the house. Work it, Kristen. Work it HARD.

Kristen runs to Ragan. Kristen: “Isn’t it strange how Hayden is not campaigning. Do you think something has already formed?” Ragan: “Sounds like you have your angle. Now go have conversations.” Then Ragan turns his attention back to his “Bette Davis Paper Dolls” collection and adjusts some clothing.

Kristen runs to Britney. Kristen: “Hayden will eventually align with other guys.” Britney: “Which makes me disposable.” Yo, Brit. Paying attention, much?

Kristen runs to Brendon. Kristen: “If Hayden stays, he will form an alliance with Lane and Enzo. It looks like I have three votes lined up. What’s more important to you?” Me or Hayden? (Brendon in the Diary Room: “Ultimately, it boils down to trust.” Says the guy who is utterly devoted to the woman who won’t even respond to his constant declarations of love. Good luck with that.)

Quick return to Julie, who is now promising that the upcoming HOH Competition will prove to be “the most powerful HOH ever!” Really, Jules? How so? Because you seem to blather a lot about meaningless things.

Then Julie interviews the houseguests as they squirm anxiously in the Couch Room. She checks with Hayden. “Solitary confinement was brutal!” Dude, you were able to talk to everybody in the house as they huddled outside the Swamp Room door. That was NOT solitary confinement. That was a vacation.

Julie to Britney: “Who is the most difficult to live with in the house?” Britney does not hesitate. Ragan, because his flatulence can kill. Ragan responds that all of the gases are coming from betwixt BRITNEY’S legs. The CBS producers must have hyperventilated and barked something into Julie’s earpiece, because she quickly cuts the segment short.

Julie switches gears, now babbling about “someone else’s heart, outside the house, has been broken.” First we cut to Tempe, Arizona, where Hayden apparently lives. (Which makes Hayden’s hair even more mystifying. Why would you want all that mess if you live in a place that’s hot all the time?) Hayden’s mom gets right to her pointless point: “Kristen is crazy. I hope she goes home.” Translation: Mommy has an attitude, and will never approve of anyone who is dating her son, not realizing that he’s far from the sharpest tool in the box.

Cut to Philadelphia, where a gaggle of Kristen’s girlfriends are all wearing slinky outfits and pretending to watch episodes of the show. One of the gals: “Kristen HAS a boyfriend. Already. Like, before the show started.” Oh? Then we see said boyfriend, whining about being lied to and betrayed. We learn that they have only been together for two months. Yes, just two months. This is nothing in the dating spectrum. He’s a total tool. Next.

Julie now interviews Rachel in the HOH Room. (The rest of the house can’t hear you, bellow like a cow in heat.) Julie: It’s just the two of you. Any recruitment plans? Rachel: We hope to pull in Britney. (Really? Head wound, much?) Julie: Who’s next on your hit list? Rachel: Matt. Oh, you mean the guy that you could have gotten out before now but you didn’t? Hmmm. And the whole time, Rachel is gushing that braying laughter that could make anybody take the life of innocent, furry animals.

We return, live, to the Couch Room. Time for the final “Save Me!” speeches. Hayden: “Some people don’t have any class at all.” What? You can’t even brush your hair. I’m missing something here. Kristen: “I’ve done nothing but play this game with my heart the whole time. Some people are cowards.” Fair enough. But she’s wearing that clown outfit. How seriously can you take any of her words?

Time to vote.

Enzo votes for Kristen (no surprise), Kathy votes for Hayden (and starts crying), and Matt votes for Kristen (déjà vu on the not being surprised).

Then we cut to commercial, because the Big Brother producers really enjoy harshing our buzz. (Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but you can order the “Big Brother Live Feed”! Seriously! I almost missed out on this important information. Thankfully, every other commercial reminds me of this opportunity.)

And we’re back, where the remaining houseguests all vote for Kristen. She gone.

Exit interview between Julie and Kristen. Julie: You did a great job of campaigning, and it looked like you had some votes. What happened? Kristen: “The house continues to do what the majority wants instead of what’s best for them.” (And sadly, they always do.)

Then we have the “bye-bye” video clips, where clueless Brendon says this to Kristen: You are so stupid. You lied about Hayden being in an alliance. This is followed immediately by Hayden fessing to Kristen that he is, indeed, in an alliance. Kristen sits there and just takes this all in, calm and composed, despite the crazy wig. Julie ends the chat by commenting on how well Kristen did in the game. “You played it with dignity.”

Then Kristen is shoved off to the side while Julie makes a startling announcement: “The new HOH will have the opportunity to change the course of the game!”

Um, don’t they always?

Commercials. (Live Feed! Order now!)

Jules again. The new HOH “will be tempted by Pandora’s box!” This sounds incredibly naughty, so my pen is poised to take notes. Turns out the box will contain the America-approved new Saboteur. It seems that Ragan got the most votes, followed by Enzo. We don’t yet know if either of them agreed to turn dirty. We’ll have to tune in Sunday and watch the Live! Feed! ads and try to catch bits of the show to see what happens.

Time for the HOH Competition.

There’s an enormous paint can in the courtyard, sporting a ledge on the outside of the can, along with a handrail. The houseguests are all standing on the ledge and clutching the handrail, looking a bit unnerved. Julie explains that you just have to hang on, and the last person standing is the new HOH. Oh, and the FIRST person to fall is the only “Have-Not” for the next week. Then the can starts to revolve at a brisk pace, followed by startling spurts of paint hitting the houseguests, and then a giant paintbrush swings out and starts slapping their little self-absorbed faces. And there we leave things, with the spinning, spurting and slapping.

Tune in Sunday for the results of the competition.

(Live! Feed!)