Searching For Signal: #171 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 12

We start out in the parking lot of Fangtasia, with Eric and Russell sizzling away on the pavement, looking a bit under the weather. While they wait for someone to reach down with a giant spatula and flip them over, they bicker over the importance of Russell slaughtering Eric’s entire family. Suddenly, Godric appears to Eric, bathed in white light and spouting some Hallmark crap about “Forgiveness is love.” This makes Eric contort his face and scream really loud.

Cut to Sookie running through the forest in a billowy dress. A giant, gaudy chandelier descends from the sky and hovers over her, making her all glowy and stuff. She blinks her eyes, and she’s back in Fangtasia, with Bill shoving his face in hers. She leaps off the table or whatever and slaps him, because he interrupted a really pretty dream. “You betrayed me!”

Bill: “I only pretended to betray you, again, so I could save your life, again.”

He has a point, so Sookie changes the subject: “Where’s Eric?”

Pam, face streaked with blood tears and still gazing at the parking lot monitors: “Outside. Burning.”

Well, Sookie is not impressed with that, because it would be one less person who secretly wants her. She starts to rush out the door, Bill tries to stop her, angry words are exchanged, and Sookie dashes out anyway. She uses one of her Sookie powers to break the silver bond between Eric and Russell, hurls Russell against a fence, then drags Eric back into the family-friendly atmosphere of Fangtasia.

Roll opening credits. Did you know that people in Louisiana like to wear dirty ball caps? A lot.

Inside Fangtasia, Pam announces that Eric is very weak and “can’t drop fang”, which I’ve decided is a very fun expression and plan to use in the future. Sookie makes Bill bite her, so she can then feed her magical fairy juice to Eric. Bill and Sookie glare at each other while Eric slurps.

Zip over to Sam’s place, where he and Tara are all aglow after a night of squat tag, and he’s making breakfast for her. When she discovers that the menu includes hoecakes made with bacon grease, this causes the conversation to steer towards why Sam barks in his sleep. He fesses up to being a shape-shifter. She’s not every hungry anymore, faced once again with supernatural people making her life difficult.

Back to Fangtasia. Eric’s all better now that he’s gnoshed on Sookie. And he wants Sookie to run back out to the parking lot and rescue Russell. This is met with displeasure from Bill, Pam and Sookie. Fine. He’ll go himself. Sookie sighs. (Men are just so stupid.) Then she grabs a silver chain, heads back out, and wraps the chain around his neck to drag him back inside. She’s pretty strong for a waitress, lugging half-dead dead people around and all.

Back to Tara and Sam. Tara: “I cannot deal with non-humans right now. I wish I could just re-boot. Be a new person. And forget all this crap I’ve learned in the last few weeks.” Sam: You should be able to do that. You’d be surprised how easy it is.” Tara: It never catches up? Sam: Well, there’s that. You gotta keep moving.

Fangtasia again. Russell is silver-chained to the stripper pole. The vamps have got to go to ground, so Eric tells Sookie to stay and watch over Russell. She’s not really excited about the task, but reluctantly agrees, mainly so she won’t have to look at Bill’s hateful face. As the vamps leave, Eric calls somebody and tells him he’s going to need their help tonight. Hmmm.

Cut to the Bon Temps Sheriff’s station, where Andy is dealing with some DEA honcho who is all hopped up about raiding the place where Crystal’s creepy family is selling V. Jason wanders up, sniffing to find out when the raid might be. Andy drags Jason to his office to school him and make him shut up, but simple Andy spills that they raid will take place today. Jason bolts.

Tara is trotting out the door of Sam’s place, moseying toward the Merlotte’s parking lot, when she suddenly has flashbacks to the hundred or so people she’s seen killed there. This makes her really sad and pensive.

Hoyt shows up at his jobsite, only to find his momma, Summer the Biscuit Maker, and his high-school guidance counselor. They gonna do an intervention, just like on Dr. Phil! Well, it doesn’t go as they planned, mainly because Momma is just too twisted for words. Hoyt ends it with “I love Jessica. If you don’t like it, you can’t be a part of my life.”

Awww. And they say true love never dies. Literally.

Over to Sam’s again. He walks out of his place to find Lafayette hanging around outside Merlotte’s. Laff came in early to make some oyster stew, but forgot his key. Sam lets him in, but not before Laff has one of his visions about Sam, bloody hands and evil threats, that stuff. Okay, we need to find out what’s going on with Laff.

Back to Fangtasia. First, Russell tries to barter with Sookie so she will release him. She plays along for a bit, getting him to offer up 5 million dollars, his plantation, and a promise to kill both Eric and Bill. (Wow. She really is mad at them.) Then she decides not to let him go, so Russell tries to scare her by snarling that every vampire on the planet will be after her for her Sookie juice. And they will suck her dry.

Sookie doesn’t think such threats are very polite, so she sprays him in the face with some of the funky silver mist. Rather than just shut up, Russell continues to threaten. Well, two can play at the bullying game. Sookie snatches up the crystal urn with Talbot’s remains. “Why are you carrying this around?’ Turns out that Russell is actually planning to bring him back to life. Really? How so? Apparently Russell plans to use Sookie’s blood for this miraculous feat of engineering.

Or maybe not. Sookie takes the urn behind the bar, dumps the Talbo goo in the sink, and then flips on the garbage disposal. Russell freaks while blades whirl and Sookie laughs maniacally. Oh my. We be gettin’ vicious up in here.

Jason and Crystal roll up to the drug-shack compound. While very dirty and half-naked kinfolk mill about, Crystal Daddy comes out hollerin for Jason and Crystal to leave. They try to explain that the Feds is comin’. Crystal Daddy finally believes them, and starts ordering his relatives to hide stuff. Suddenly, there’s a gun shot and Felton appears. He’s not keen on gettin’ rid of the V, money to be made and all that. When Crystal Daddy argues, Felton just shoots him in the head. (These are some really nice people. I wonder if I can book a tour?)

Cut to Sam showing up at Terry and Arlene’s. Terry’s sitting on the porch steps, bawling. (Who knows, it’s Terry.) Sam apologizes for the things he said when he was drunk, and Terry cries more. Turns out these are tears of joy. Arlene’s good, the baby’s good, and now he’s got a nice apology to go with it. Ergo, the floodgates are open.

I really don’t understand these people.

Sam has no idea what to say to messed-up Terry, so he goes over to the house Tommy was renting. The place is trashed and Tommy is gone. Uh oh.

Back to the police station, where the DEA agents are rolling out for the big raid. The honcho won’t let Andy come along, instead sending him to the store to get him a pack of cigarettes. Poor Andy.

Once again to the drug factory. Felton has whipped himself into a frenzy, threatening to kill everybody while kinfolk stand around in their underwear and show us their bad teeth. Jason tries to calm him down, saying that’s just the V talking. Felton doesn’t care. He likes violence. (Big surprise.) Then Felton orders “his woman” Crystal to get in the truck so they can drive off and hurt some more people. Crystal agrees to do so, afraid if she doesn’t that Felton will kill Jason.

Before she leaves, Crystal tells Jason that somebody has got to take care of these poor, dirty people. Jason: “Tell me how to.” Crystal: “Just help them. Any way you can.” Then she says her teary goodbye. Jason: “I will find you.” Once the trunk thunders away down the dusty road, Jason turns to the dirty clan and introduces himself.

Tara arrives at her momma’s home, only find Momma playing slap and tickle with her preacher. Harsh words are exchanged, and Tara realizes this is no longer home. She wishes her Momma luck and drives away. Momma just stands there with her fake wig and looks confused.

Cut to Merlotte’s. Sam marches into his office and finds the safe gone. (Courtesy of that model citizen, the now-missing Tommy.) Sam shoves a gun in his pants and stomps out. Meanwhile, Lafayette is just trying to cook food for people, but he keeps seeing those demon images, causing him to flip his burgers wrong and spill grits. He gets on the horn with Jesus. “I’m seeing things. BAD things!” Jesus: “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Fangtasia again. We see a truck drive into the parking lot. Inside, Russell thinks its “my wolves, come to rescue me.” Well, no. It’s Alcide. Sookie spies him, has a small orgasm, and races up to him. “You’ve come to rescue me!” Well, no. Alcide: “Eric called me. Wants me to do somethin’. Said he’d settle all my dad’s debts.” Sookie frowns. “Oh.”

But before they get around to doing anything constructive, Alcide has a beer while Sookie hovers. Alcide: “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’d hate it if we never saw each other again.” Sookie beams, because her stable of admirers is apparently intact. But she tells him “don’t be such a good guy right now.”

Eric, Bill and Pam come marching in from… who knows. Eric unchains Russell and starts to drag him out to Alcide’s truck. Bill wants Sookie to stay here, “Pam will protect you.” Sookie wants none of that, she’s going home. And she rescinds the invitation to her house from all the vampires in the room, including Bill. As she flits out the door, Bill and Alcide glare at each other. (Which prompts Eric to say funniest line in the episode, and it’s entirely unprintable.)

Sheriff’s office again, with Andy staring at a vial of V in total fascination. His contemplation is interrupted by the DEA honcho barging in, dragging Jason along. The whole drug bust was a bust. Everybody gone, Jason tipped them off. The honcho storms out, calling everybody backwoods hicks. Once he’s gone, Andy tears into Jason for screwing things up. Jason stops him. “This is bigger than us. Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing.”

I don’t know where they are headed with the Jason character lately, but me likey.

Merlotte’s. Jesus arrives, and he and Laff have a confab in the hallway. Laff: What is going on? Jesus: You opened up something inside you. You’re more sensitive now. Laff: I don’t WANT to be sensitive. Jesus: I’m a brujo. A witch. Laff: A witch? You’re a witch, who’s a nurse, who’s a dude. Jesus nods. Laff: Well, I guess I lucked out, then, huh?

Cut to Tara in a bathroom at Sookie‘s, reaching for scissors. They play it up like she might be about to engage in some bodily harm, but instead she cuts off most of her hair, resulting in a really cute new ‘do. Sookie arrives home, and they chat over a meal. They bond again, sisters once more. Then Tara suddenly announces that she’s “gonna run over to Merlotte’s. Gotta talk to Lafayette.” They hug and Tara leaves.

Something’s going on here, not sure what.

Cut to a construction site. We see Alcide about to drive off in his truck, talking to Eric. “We’re done now, right? You leave my daddy and my family alone.” Off he goes. The camera pans to Russell, thrown into a deep pit, with wet concrete being poured around him. This is apparently Eric’s new plan to keep Russell from finding any redemption after the True Death. Russell won’t really be dead, but will be wrapped in silver and encased in concrete. He won’t get out for a long time. A hundred years for him to go mad with grief.

You think Eric has a little bit of a grudge?

Russell: “I will kill you both.”

Eric gets another vision from Godric, who is very disappointed that Eric couldn’t just let it go. Eric explains that “this is what you made me”. Eric hits a button that sends in more concrete, covering Russell. Godric vanishes, sad.

As Russell’s cries die out, Bill offers his hand to Eric, appearing interested in a truce. When Eric accepts his hand, Bill slaps some silver on it, immobilizing Eric. Bill then knocks Eric into another pit, and starts pouring in concrete. (I know, right?) While Eric disappears beneath the grayish goo, Bill whips out the phone he stole from Eric before shoving him in the pit. “Reuben” answers. Bill: “This is Northman. I want you to find my progeny Pam and kill her. Now.”

Cut to Hoyt and Jessica arriving at a house. He leads her, blindfolded, through the front door, then lets her see where they are. He’s put a security deposit down on their first home. Hoyt: “I want to marry you.” Jess: “We can’t.” Hoyt: “What’s to keep me from becoming a minister and marrying ourselves?”

It’s totally sweet. But as the camera pans away, we see what looks like a creepy voodoo doll lying in one of the other rooms. Great. Nobody can ever be happy in this show for any length of time.

Now we’re in some gun shop, and Momma Hoyt is checking out rifles, her face all pinched and Republican.

Sookie’s house, and a knock on the door. It’s Bill. “We must talk.” Sookie: “Come in.” (So I guess she’s already over her vampire ban.) They chat, with Bill fessing that Russell is gone (Sookie: “Yay!”), and so is Eric. Sookie: Wait. What? Why? Bill: He tasted you. Even if we go our separate ways, I must protect you. I intend to bring the True Death to all who have tasted you and know what you are. Even if it means not being a part of your life. This I swear to you.

Well, then.

The front door flies open, and there’s Eric on the porch. Oh?

Eric: “You did tell her that you were sent by the Queen of Louisiana, to procure her for what she might be?”

Sookie: “What?”

Bill: I didn’t know in the beginning why she wanted you. As I grew to know you, I purposely kept you from her.

Eric: What about you letting two psychos beat her, so you could feed her your blood the night you met? Think she’ll forgive you for that?

Sookie: Is it true?

Bill: Yes.

Eric: He tried to silence me tonight so you would never know. He doesn’t want to protect you. He only wants to protect himself.

Sookie, livid, to Bill: Get out of my house!

Bill is forced through the air but hangs onto the door frame: It was YOU I loved, not what you are.

Sookie: Don’t come near me. Don’t call me.

Bill: I love you.

Sookie: You don’t even get to use that word! I rescind my invitation.

Bill is forced down the porch steps and into the yard, flopping around in the dirt while Eric picks bits of concrete out of his hair.

Eric, to Sookie: I’m sorry to see you suffer like this, but I thought you had the right to know. Then he smirks, because he just got a notch up on the tracking spreadsheet of Sookie’s suitors.

Merlotte’s. Tara drives into the parking lot, gazes wistfully at the building, and then drives away.

She’s gone.

We see Tommy walking along a road. A jeep comes thundering along, and Tommy runs. It’s Sam, and he jumps out of the jeep and chases Tommy through the woods. There’s a confrontation, Sam demands his money back, pointing his gun at Tommy. Tommy doesn’t believe him and turns to go. Sam shoots. I’m guessing he was serious about wanting that money back.

Sookie’s house. She’s crying. Then she suddenly runs out the door. Maybe she forgot to pay the water bill.

Bill’s house. The Queen shows, all haughty. “Bring me the girl. I’ve waited so long to feel sunlight.” Bill: She’s not here. I brought you here under false pretenses. But I do have another surprise for you. Only one of us will leave this house.

They bare fangs and fly at each other.

Quick scene with Eric and Pam at Fangtasia. She’s fine, apparently surviving whatever Reuben tried to to, and getting home in time to watch “Wheel of Fortune”.

Back to Sookie, running through a graveyard. She finds Gran’s headstone. “I followed my heart, but it led me down a dead-end road. I’ve never felt so alone.”

Mystical music plays, and a woman appears. “Sookie, you’re not alone. Come with us.” The woman holds out her hand.

Sookie takes it. Pretty lights sparkle around then, and they vanish.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #163 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 11

We start out with something a little different, where they do an “In Memoriam” thing, where we get to see shots of all the people who have died on this show, while pretty, wistful music plays in the background. It’s kind of fun, but I was startled at how many times I went “Who the hell was that? Did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, we get to the real action, with Bill storming into Fangtasia, all huffy because he just got the intergalactic “I’m in trouble again” mind message from Sookie. Pam’s there, all irritated about something, as usual, and she tries lying to Bill. “They’re not here.” Sorry, Trixie, but Bill can smell her in the basement, a lovely aroma of sunshine, baked cookies, and the inability to mind her own business.

So Pam tries another angle. “Maybe she’s afraid of you” and that’s why she’s here. Bill does not want to play, snarling threats at Pam, which basically should be a standard day for her and her negative attitude. Pam snaps back: “I’m not the enemy. There’s a bigger picture.” This leads to a physical tussle, which Bill should easily win, being older and all, but Pammy cheats by whipping out a clever bottle of silver mist and spraying him in the face. He drops to his knees, totally caught off guard by the evil air freshener.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to Sookie, quivering and wild-eyed in the basement, and we see that foreign girl, no idea what her name is but she’s the one that didn’t get squat in Eric’s will, traipsing down the stairs with some bolt-cutters or something. She’s still mad about the inheritance exclusion and is going to set Sookie free just to piss off Eric. She gets to cuttin’ and snippin’.

Upstairs, Pam and Bill are rolling all over the place, with her going all hog-wild with squirting her compact death spray. Furniture gets broken, and somebody’s drink gets knocked over so they are NOT going to be happy when they get back from the bathroom.

Here come the duo from downstairs, with foreign girl whirling a heavy silver chain like it’s a rodeo. She manages to subdue Pam with such, while Sookie hovers around the blinded Bill and chatters endlessly, one of her specialties. During all this, Pam reveals that Sookie was going to be a gift from Eric to Russell, but that might not quite happen since Pam is now strapped to a stripper pole while Bill and The Gift race out the door.

Cut to Lafayette and Jesus, still basking in the afterglow of their acid trip with the V. Jesus thinks the whole thing was a real hoot, and wants to do it again. Laff is not so enthusiastic: “The blood can lie.” Jesus: “Did it feel like a lie? Let’s do it again! I wanna see my people!” Laff tries to talk him out of it. Not a good idea, hooker.

Suddenly, Jesus turns into this snarling gargoyle demon thing and lunges at Laff. Then it’s over, and it’s just Jesus again, smiling seductively. “What?” Laff blinks his heavily-painted eyes, not sure if that was real or a weird flashback. He decides to sleep on the meaning of it all. Alone. He sends Jesus packing. Holla at ya later.

Now we have Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that she’s a “were-panther”. That’s nice. Jason: “You could have given me a heads up.” Crystal gets really defensive really fast, so I guess were-panthers can be manic-depressive. Crystal: “Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault!” Jason, apparently not remembering the rest of his lines, runs out the door to look for Sookie instead of learning more about his hairy girlfriend.

Jessica and Hoyt are making out, on what looks like one of Bill’s ancient couches (I bet there’s some serious coinage up in there). Hoyt: “I can’t do nothin’ without you.” Jess: “I missed you so much!” Hoyt: “You saved me!” Jess, not fully understanding romantic wordplay: “I killed a trucker!”

Hoyt: Oh… um… you couldn’t really help it, right? An accident? Jess: Nope. Did it on purpose, I was still learning the trade. But you have to understand this is what I really am. I have to have human blood. I’m not gonna stop. Hoyt spends about three seconds on his response, then: “Drink me.” Girl is ON it, pronto.

Cut to the Jackson Art Museum. Russell is staring at some painting, missing his lost love Talbot while clutching the Waterford urn that contains Talbot’s gooey remains. Eric shows: “You loved him more than anyone.” That’s why he had to die. Russell: “Don’t be obscure.” Eric: Fine, then. A thousand years ago. Vikings. Dead parents. Blah, blah, blah. All because you wanted a crown for your stupid collection.

Russell smiles. “I’m SO excited to kill you.”

Eric: No, we’re even. Let me help you now. Russell: “You can’t possibly comprehend what I’m after.” Then he moves in to snap Eric’s neck or something. Eric: “I can offer you day-walking.” Russell pauses, skeptical. But if it’s really true: “No one could stand against me.” Eric: “If I’m wrong, you can kill me tomorrow.”

Then Eric’s phone rings. (Ring tone: “Aint’ We Got Fun!”) It’s Pam. Thought you might want to know that your parting gift for Russell has parted herself.

Bill and Sookie in the car. He wants to know why she went to Eric. She blows it off, which leads to Bill bringing up trust issues, and Sookie countering the trust issues with not being sure she can believe either one of them. Bill, wanting to save the relationship: Let’s try again. Want to? (Very sweet. But really, let’s cross off “staying alive” on our checklist first, shall we?)

Quick shot of Tara at Eggs’ grave, crying.

Merlotte’s, with Holly and Arlene chatting about the non-abortion abortion that Arlene is seeking. Holly: There’s not a 100% guarantee that it will work. Arlene: I just wanna get it over with.

Suddenly, Sam comes staggering into the bar, totally wasted. He’s all about the drunken hollering and rudeness. Terry tries to calm him down, but Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked” really bad word. That sets Arlene off, and she tears into Sam. (With Holly in the background, helpfully adding “And you’re polluting our vibes!”) Sam continues with the attitude and the meanness, causing Holly and Arlene to rip off their aprons and storm from the bar. (But not before Holly cryptically tells Arlene “Grab the salt. I forgot mine.”)

Cut to Jason in his truck, leaving a voice message for the non-answering Sookie. Oh look, he just happens to be parked outside the high-school football stadium. Let’s go see what’s up and relive our glory days when we were a star athlete and we didn’t have to be responsible for our lives.

Turns out some of the football team is having a late practice, including that cocky quarterback boy that we can’t stand. He’s throwing the football really hard, knocking people over. One of the passes even sails off into the night sky, never to be seen again. Oh? Jason nods knowingly.

Now we’re at Hoyt’s momma’s house, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Summer, crying about Hoyt not wanting her baking skills. “I even offered him my virginity!” Mom: “I appreciate that. Even if you broke God’s law.” Summer: “I showed him my best underwear!” Momma, realizing that this is one of the most profound sacrifices a girl can make, hugs Summer. “We are NOT finished.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Sam is now serving the tables because he’s made everybody mad. Tara strolls in and walks over to Sheriff Andy. “Mind if I sit?” she asks politely, but her expression is making it clear that if she gets any hint of disagreement she will cut. She just sits there and glares at him while he rattles about inane things. Then she finally interrupts him.

Tara: “I know about Eggs.” Then she launches, anger and invective filling the air. “You’re a dirty, dirty cop.”

Andy: “What are you gonna do?”

Tara: “What can I do?”

Andy: “I never wanted to be a hero.” Then he tells the truth about Eggs going crazy with the knife and being in tight with Mary Ann and other tidbits of nastiness that Eggs did. Tara is stunned, her fire suddenly out.

Sam marches up to Tommy: Get out there and “take some orders”. Tommy has no intention of doing so, not his fault if Sam chased everybody off. This turns into a huge fight, with Sam finally firing Tommy and telling him to get out of the rental house. Tommy: “Where am I supposed to go?” Sam: “Don’t care.”

Then Sam marches out into Merlotte’s proper, and orders all the patrons to leave. Tara completely ignores him, sitting at the bar and taking shots from what looks like a five-gallon barrel of tequila.

Bill and Sookie, still zooming down the road in her crappy car, imagining what life would be like if they could do anything they wanted. She wants to be a real estate agent. (Which I guess would make sense. There’s a lot of turnover in this town, what with folks dying all the time.) Bill wants to teach third grade. (Where the hell did THAT come from?)

Speaking of, Russell and Eric suddenly appear in the middle of the road, with Russell slamming his fist on the front hood of the crappy vehicle and causing it to almost flip over, which is kind of neat. Oh boy, change in plans.

Holly and Arlene are in the middle of some field, with Holly pouring a big salt circle and chanting. She’s also waving around a very impressive dagger, so let’s hope it’s for ceremonial purposes and not, you know, killing. While she’s flitting about, Holly compares momma stories with Arlene, and it seems neither one of them had very good relationships.

Holly suddenly blurts out: “You need a decoction!” Arlene and the audience stare at Holly in puzzlement, because that sounds really painful. Turns out it’s just a fancy name for the bubbling brew that Holly as been preparing in between rounds of flinging table condiments. Oh, and we just need one final ingredient. A drop of Arlene’s blood, as a sacrifice. This is SO not like going to Planned Parenthood.

And Holly has some final words as Arlene prepares to drink. “By the way, if a spirit is meant to be born, you can’t stop it.” Great.

Back to the football stadium, where the cocky quarterback is still pushing his team too hard until they get fed up and leave. Jason walks up to him. “You’re on V.” Cocky: Maybe. Jason: “That makes you a liar and a cheater. I’m taking you down.” Cocky: No you’re not. My parents are paying for the V and the principal takes V and has sex. Not worried.

Jason stomps off into the night, disillusioned. I’m wondering where I can get my hands on a brochure for this school.

Cut to Laff’s place, where he suddenly wakes up to find that all the cute little voodoo dolls in the den have turned evil and are having a party.

Over to Fangtasia, where the Sookie-mobile rolls up and the gang piles out. Eric whispers to Bill: “Hit me!” Just do it. Bill does, and they get into a nice hair-pulling rumble. Russell ignores the rough-housing and drags Sookie inside. Once the door closes, Eric says to Bill: “I have a plan.”

Tara and Sam, alone at Merlotte’s. Tara: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam: Hey, you get to show your feelings all the time. Tara schools him on the proper way to retain employees. Sam: “We got nobody.” Tara: “You got me.” This leads to flirting, quickly followed by tonguing, and the next thing you know we got hot and sweaty sex back at Sam’s place.

Quick shot of Tommy breaking into the safe in Sam’s office at Merlotte’s.

Next we have Arlene fishing in some swamp, and we know she don’t mess with dirty stuff so it’s got to be a dream. She hears her momma calling but doesn’t really feel compelled to go see what she’s hollerin’ about. Suddenly, Terry is waking her up back in her own bed. She starts to get out of bed, and then sees that there’s blood everywhere.

Terry starts to call 9-1-1, but she stops him. “I’m okay. But I think we’re losin’ the baby.” When he starts to break down, she soothes him. “We’ll cry later. Can you get me that big box of pads out of the bathroom?”

Jason gets home, and finds Crystal. Jason: “I don’t wanna break up. No one in this town is who they’re supposed to be.” Crystal: That’s swell. Now, can we go stop the drug bust at the meth lab before all my inbred kin get kilt?”

Back to Fangtasia, with Russell ogling the nubile Sookie. “Fairies? Am I a fool?” Eric: “She may be the last of her kind.” Sookie: You ain’t gonna drink from me. I ain’t nobody’s supernatural sunscreen. Bill stops her in mid-screech: “Just do it. He may let you live.”

Sookie’s eyes burn with confusion and raging at hatred towards Bill right at that moment. (Girl really needs to make up her mind about Bill, just sayin’.)

Russell has one condition for Eric about this arrangement: “You go first.” Eric: “Love to.”

Arlene and Terry at the hospital, with her consoling him even though she’s the one being forced to wear a backless gown. The doctor comes in with some interesting news. “The baby’s still on board. He’s one strong little critter.’ Terry turns handsprings. Arelene gulps.

Fangtasia. Sunrise.

Pam and Eric are off to one side. Pam: “Don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work?” Eric: “It will.”

They walk over and join the rest of the happy crowd. Bill’s chained up, Sookie’s chained up and still glaring at Bill, Russell’s thinking of who he can hurt next. He and Eric approach Sookie.

Bill: “Don’t drain her.” Otherwise, no more midnight fairy snacking, ever.

Russell gets impatient, grabs one of Sookie’s arms, and feeds. Eric quickly joins him.

Then Eric walks out the front door and into the sun. He does not burst into flames.

Russell and Pam watch on a security monitor, awed, while Sookie is sprawled on the table behind them, half-dead and not looking very pretty. Bill: “Unchain me! I have to feed Sookie!” They completely ignore him, gazing at the non-flaming Eric, eyes dancing with delight and potential daylight killing sprees.

Eric motions on the monitor for Russell to come out. Then he turns away from security camera, muttering “don’t let them see me”. We realize that his skin is starting to smoke. Uh oh.

Russell babbles some nonsense about manifest destiny, then he walks out the front door as well, almost in rapture at the touch of the sun.

Back inside, Pam is still watching the monitor, blood-tears dripping. Bill screams in the background, still insisting that he be allowed to feed Sookie. Pam couldn’t care less about anyone’s nutritional needs right at the moment.

Back outside, Eric suddenly turns to face Russell. Just as Russell realizes that Eric’s face is burning off, Eric snatches Russell’s arm and handcuffs Russell to his own body.

“Be brave. We’ll die together.”

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #147 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 7

We start out with Lorena still feasting on the squirming Sookie, blood flying. Apparently Sook has some secret sauce in her veins, because Lorena suddenly leans her head back and utters “What ARE you?” This position allows Bill to wrap a chain around Lorena’s neck and pull her down on top of him. Then he yells for Sookie to run get a pointy stick, which sounds reasonable.

In a neat trick, Bill holds Lorena above him while Sookie rams the stick through mean ole Lorena. This causes her to, basically, burst into a geyser of blood, with muck splashing everywhere. (Very visual, kudos to the art department.) Then Sookie drops down to check on Bill. He’s at least unconscious or possibly dead. (It’s hard work holding a gushing woman up like that, especially if you’ve just been the main course for some redneck werewolf people.) When Bill doesn’t respond, Sookie starts screaming for help because she’s trained in that skill.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people on parade, with some suggested fornication.

A van rushes up to the stable, with Tara and Alcide inside. They just want to rescue Sookie, because that’s all that’s on the requisition slip, and Tara still hasn’t gotten over Bill not lifting a finger when Tara was tied to a strange bed. But Sookie is adamant. “I’m not leaving here without him!” Sookie bangs around a bit, trying to get Bill unlocked from the Lorena chains, which allows plenty of time for that trashy Debbie tramp to come come running in the door with a gun. She does not look pleased about the uninvited dinner guests.

Cut to Sam driving his car up to some hillbilly with a shotgun. Sam tries to act all country. “I’m here for the fights.” The hillbilly, having watched enough CSI episodes down at the free clinic, is immediately suspicious. (Perhaps the copy of “Redneck for Dummies” he spies on the front seat tipped him off.) He cocks his shotgun, forces Sam to hand over his own weapon, and sends Sam away. Then the hillbilly goes back to his whittling and inbreeding.

Back to the horse stable, with Debbie being twitchy and waving her gun about. Alcide tries to calm her down. “You loved me once.” Instead of this sentiment causing Debbie to just toss the gun aside like everyone hopes, she instead has grievances to air. “You wouldn’t even give me a baby!” (The though of Debbie offspring is scarier than anything we’ve seen in the episode.) Alcide: “It’s never too late.”

What does THAT mean? Does he intend to skank about in the Lorena soup just so Debbie will shut up? I believe that would be pushing the “take one for the team” concept to entirely unnecessary level.

Tara sends Sookie a mind-thought to cause a distraction so Tara can then jump on the Debbie bitch. Sookie screams (see above-mentioned training), Tara flies through the air and wallops Debbie, and then that dumb-ass Cooter guy has to wander in and screw things up. So Alcide shoots him, because that was just rude timing on Cooter’s part. Of course, watching this-week’s boyfriend breathe his last sends Debbie the rest of the way over the edge.

Debbie screams and hollers while Alcide holds a gun on her so Sookie and reluctant Tara can drag Bill toward the van. When Debbie suddenly starts speaking in a creepy “The Exorcist” voice, Alcide has had enough and locks in her the stable. Why he didn’t just shoot her, I don’t know. It’s not like anybody would even bother to put Debbie’s face on the back of a milk carton.

Tara and Sookie are standing at the van, with Tara poking at the pile of Bill with a disgusted foot. “He ain’t gonna make it!”. Alcide joins them in staring at bloody Bill. Their gazing is interrupted when we hear a bark and here come some unhappy werewolves. Uh oh. Our gang piles in the van and peels out.

Cut to Jason lounging in his boxer shorts, while Hoyt is putting his clothes back on. (Excuse me?) They are babbling about Crystal (Jason: “I love her!”. Hoyt: “I bet her middle name’s Meth.”) and how Jason can find out more about his rural dream girl. Hoyt suggests Jason go talk to the drug dealer in the town jail, since he must be related to people who lie about fiances while living in a grungy trailer park.

While Jason dashes off to figure out what one wears when interrogating drug dealers, Hoyt hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find Summer, that annoying girl he went on a date with the other night. She’s holding a covered dish, so you know there’s going to be trouble.

Quick scene with Sam in the woods, stripping down to his birthday suit so he can transition into a dog. Then he trots off to save the day. Or at least clean himself with his tongue.

Hoyt and Summer again. She’s on some monologue about baked goods, the love and attention she lavished on the home-made butter, and the fact that she has plans for Hoyt. “I really want you to taste my biscuits.” At this startling bit of news, Jason wanders in, proceeds to taste the biscuits because it’s instinct with him to taste anything he sees, and is so moved by the deliciousness he encounters that he announces Hoyt and Summer should immediately begin making babies.

Cut to Sophie the Queen’s mansion, where she’s locked up in some cage thing and not really impressed with her accommodations. Eric walks up to Sophie, dragging along “her human” (Hadley? Something like that.) and threatening to drain Hadley for good if Sophie doesn’t spill the goods on Sookie. As Eric starts in on his snack, Sophie first claims to know nothing, then offers that you can’t trust Russell (well, THAT’S obvious, no need to bite anybody to learn such), and finally decides to be belligerent. Do what you want with my toy, she’s nothing to me.

Which was probably not a good move, since Hadley stirs in Eric’s lethal embrace, and warbles “I’ll tell you.” (By the way, I’m Sookie’s cousin, so good of you to drop by for a visit.) Hadley whispers something juicy in Eric’s ear while Sophie seethes and wrinkles her couture. Eric, news received: “I certainly wasn’t expecting THAT.”

Then they cut away, because it would be a damn shame if we actually learned something around here.

Quick scene at the hillbilly dog-fight compound, with Sam trotting up and wagging his tail. Somebody grabs a leash.

In the back of the van, Sookie is still struggling to keep Bill alive. “Give me a sign!” Then she reaches over, snatches up a handy giant-toothed saw that just happened to by lying there, and proceeds to cut open her arm. (Seriously, she couldn’t find something smaller?) Sookie lets some of her blood drip into Bill’s mouth. It does more than the trick, as Bill suddenly springs into action and tears into Sookie’s pretty little throat. Poor Sookie. Everybody in this episode wants to eat her.

Jason at the jail, trying to talk to the drug dealer in his cell. At first he’s all street, but that gets boring so he gets to the point and asks what the man knows about Crystal. Well, turns out this guy is her cousin, and he would be more than happy to give Jason some intel. On one condition. He needs some meth, and he needs it bad. (He twitches to show just how serious he is about this.) Jason ponders, and then nosey Deputy Assistant Temporary Acting Sheriff Andy strolls up and orders Jason to go wash more police cars. Preferably with his shirt off and lots of splashed water.

The van is now at the side of the road, so Alcide can go tinkle. (We’re running from vicious wolves and Bill is on the cusp of dying without having finished his Monuments of New Jersey jigsaw puzzle, but Alcide can’t just clench?) Tara goes to check on Sookie, opens the back door, and discovers extremely bloody and tragic-looking Sookie sprawled next to an energized but confused Bill.

Well, Tara ain’t gonna put up with that mess. She jumps in the van, throws Bill out, screams for Alcide to zip it up NOW, and then they fly down the road, leaving Bill in the sunlight. Well, would you look at that? Sure, Bill’s skin is smoking a wee bit, but none of that bursting into agonized flames business. Delighted, Bill runs off into the woods, because that’s just what you do around here until they get a new picture at the drive-in.

Quick scene with Dog Sam at the hillbilly compound, transitioning back into Human Sam so we can get brief glimpses of nudity before he races off to save… somebody too stupid to save themselves.

Cut to an Emergency Room, with Sookie and lots of medical procedures. They try to give her a blood transfusion, but she’s not being cooperative and tries to steal the scene by having a seizure of some kind. A bit later, some doctor is telling Tara that Sookie’s in a bad way. She’s lost a lot of blood (On this show? Imagine!), her body rejected the transfusion of O-negative, which anybody should be able to accept, and, oh yeah, Sookie has a blood type that nobody on this planet has ever seen. Cue dramatic music while Tara’s eyes widen.

Back to the dog-fighting compound. Trashy Momma is there, chain-smoking while she gets teary-eyed as (presumably) Tommy Doggie gets ready for his first rumble. Over in the dog pens, Sam sets off an alarm and then opens all the pens to set the Benji’s free. As rednecks scatter to the wind cause the po-po is comin’, Sam runs to the ring and makes Tommy transition back and orders Nasty Daddy to give Tommy his clothes. (I shut my eyes in absolute terror of seeing Nasty Daddy naked again.)

Jason goes to Merlotte’s, trying to get Lafayette to give him some meth. Laff gets offended cause he a high-class dealer, pushing V and not that cheap-ass meth. While they bicker, Jason gets a call from Tara. “Sookie’s in a coma. You need to get here.”

Back to the dogs. Sam yells at Trashy Momma and Nasty Daddy, belittling their parenting skills. Then he makes Tommy come with him as they stomp off. Nasty Daddy: “We’ll get him back.” Trashy Momma: You’re a pig and I hate you. (Yet gay people can’t get married? Sheesh.)

Over to the hospital, with some Pollyanna social worker trying to get Jason to understand the phrase “next of kin”. Jason: “I ain’t responsible.” Laff sends Polly off to arrange religious brochures, then Jason explains to Tara and Laff about Sookie’s medical history. She never got sick, never went to the hospital, wasn’t even borned in one. Popped out right there on the dining room table.

Tara blames it all on Bill, and is personally triumphant that she left Bill to burn up on the side of the road. (“Good riddance!”) Then Jason says some tender things to the comatose Sookie, followed by Tara with her own endearments. Then Laff tells them to both quit using cuss words as he reapplies his makeup and adjusts his embroidered headscarf with the depiction of The Last Supper at Studio 54.

Then things get a little weird.

Sookie, possibly in a dream sequence, or maybe it’s a special matinee showing of a near-death travelogue. She’s all pretty in her hospital bed, but prettiness is not enough so she gets out of bed, grabs a nice crystal goblet, and then walks across rose petals, out of the room and down the hall. A door flies open and we go through.

We find ourselves in a nice Garden of Eden, with Enya on the soundtrack and people dancing about wearing billowy clothing from “Xanadu Boutique”. Some chick named Claudine saunters up to Sookie. “Always getting into trouble, aren’t you? Oh look, your glass is empty.” (A phrase which, really, could apply to most of the people on this show.)

Our chatty host leads Sookie to a small pond, where the shiny water glimmers with unearthly dazzle. And apparently it’s very tasty, because Sookie gulps it down like a pig in mud. Claudine: “You’ve had it before.” Then Angelina Jolie rises out of the water and wanders off to adopt something.

And now we’re at the real hospital, with Laff reciting something very moving and beautiful. Tara nods her head approvingly. Jason just nods, period, because those are some really big words and he’s trying to stay awake.

Back to the Dancing Garden, where Claudine is requesting of Sookie: “Don’t go back. Come with us.” Then Sookie starts reading Claudine. Something about her parents. “It wasn’t the water that killed them.”

What?

Real hospital again. Bill shows up. “I can save her!” Tara don’t want NONE of that. Heated discussion ensues.

And the Dancing Garden again, where now the wind is blowing and it’s getting dark, which is a sign for the effeminate boys and diaphanous girls to run and jump in the pond. (That would be MY first instinct.) Claudine, doing double duty as both hostess and Julie on the Love Boat, is shoving people in the pond while still begging Sookie. “You have to come with us. He will steal your light!” Then everybody’s gone, and Sookie, not sure what might be next on the agenda, falls to the pretty ground and looks sad.

Real hospital. Jason, giving his consent to Bill. “Do it.” When Tara and Laff start to fuss in a chorus of dissatisfaction, Jason cuts them off. “It’s my call.” Bill unhooks Sookie’s IV from the little pole thing and shoves it into his arm.

Very quick scene with Sam and Tommy in the car, driving to wherever. No one says a word. Perhaps the script pages for this scene got sucked into the Angelina Pond during the stampede of anorexic angel people running from the darkness and Sookie’s tacky outfit.

Over to the basement of Fangtasia, where the Magister is still torturing Pam for wearing high-heeled shoes or whatever. He has some sterling silver earrings from Tiffany’s that he wants to use in piercing Pam’s eyelids. (Good times, right?) Eric suddenly flash-whizzes down the cellar stairs. “That’s enough!” Magister, not impressed: “Is Bill with you.” Eric: “No, but the Queen is.”

Oh? They finally have the Magister’s full attention. He gleefully prepares to arrest the Queen.

Russell waltzes in and informs the Magister: “You may call me King.” And oh, by the way, “I no longer recognize The Authority.” Magister: “That’s a cardinal sin!” Russell: As if I care. And there’s more good news. “The Queen has accepted my marriage proposal!” (Shot of Sophie looking anything but pleased with this nuptial arrangement.) “Now I just want you to recognize us.” When the Magister declines, Russell does his own speed-whiz movements, replacing Pam with the Magister in that torture chamber thing.

Then Russell grabs a smoking spike weapon and waves it about menacingly.

Hospital room again, with folks lying about in fitful slumber. Sookie awakens, tosses her head prettily, gazes upon her devoted family and friends with a gentle smile, and then she spies Bill marching toward her bed. And she promptly begins to scream her head off.

Back to the Fangtasia basement. Russell is stabbing the Magister with his evil walking stick. “Just say the words!” The Magister is being all petulant about it, but finally tires of being poked full of smoking holes. Fine. “I hereby pronounce you man and wife.”

Sophie the Queen, dripping sarcasm: “I’m so happy I could bleed.”

Russell then decides to give a lengthy oratory, probably having thought for a long time about this moment of ascension. We are now going to obey the One Law, the Law of Nature. We will take the world back from the humans! Or some such. Eventually, Russell gets pretty worked up and it’s not clear what he might do next.

Eric intervenes, trying to get Russell to just leave now that he’s been recognized. “Shall we?”

Russell starts to follow, then suddenly whirls around and chops the Magister’s head clean off.

“Say hello to the True Death.”

Well, then.

Roll end credits.