Monday, August 2, 2010

Searching For Signal: #147 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 7

We start out with Lorena still feasting on the squirming Sookie, blood flying. Apparently Sook has some secret sauce in her veins, because Lorena suddenly leans her head back and utters “What ARE you?” This position allows Bill to wrap a chain around Lorena’s neck and pull her down on top of him. Then he yells for Sookie to run get a pointy stick, which sounds reasonable.

In a neat trick, Bill holds Lorena above him while Sookie rams the stick through mean ole Lorena. This causes her to, basically, burst into a geyser of blood, with muck splashing everywhere. (Very visual, kudos to the art department.) Then Sookie drops down to check on Bill. He’s at least unconscious or possibly dead. (It’s hard work holding a gushing woman up like that, especially if you’ve just been the main course for some redneck werewolf people.) When Bill doesn’t respond, Sookie starts screaming for help because she’s trained in that skill.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people on parade, with some suggested fornication.

A van rushes up to the stable, with Tara and Alcide inside. They just want to rescue Sookie, because that’s all that’s on the requisition slip, and Tara still hasn’t gotten over Bill not lifting a finger when Tara was tied to a strange bed. But Sookie is adamant. “I’m not leaving here without him!” Sookie bangs around a bit, trying to get Bill unlocked from the Lorena chains, which allows plenty of time for that trashy Debbie tramp to come come running in the door with a gun. She does not look pleased about the uninvited dinner guests.

Cut to Sam driving his car up to some hillbilly with a shotgun. Sam tries to act all country. “I’m here for the fights.” The hillbilly, having watched enough CSI episodes down at the free clinic, is immediately suspicious. (Perhaps the copy of “Redneck for Dummies” he spies on the front seat tipped him off.) He cocks his shotgun, forces Sam to hand over his own weapon, and sends Sam away. Then the hillbilly goes back to his whittling and inbreeding.

Back to the horse stable, with Debbie being twitchy and waving her gun about. Alcide tries to calm her down. “You loved me once.” Instead of this sentiment causing Debbie to just toss the gun aside like everyone hopes, she instead has grievances to air. “You wouldn’t even give me a baby!” (The though of Debbie offspring is scarier than anything we’ve seen in the episode.) Alcide: “It’s never too late.”

What does THAT mean? Does he intend to skank about in the Lorena soup just so Debbie will shut up? I believe that would be pushing the “take one for the team” concept to entirely unnecessary level.

Tara sends Sookie a mind-thought to cause a distraction so Tara can then jump on the Debbie bitch. Sookie screams (see above-mentioned training), Tara flies through the air and wallops Debbie, and then that dumb-ass Cooter guy has to wander in and screw things up. So Alcide shoots him, because that was just rude timing on Cooter’s part. Of course, watching this-week’s boyfriend breathe his last sends Debbie the rest of the way over the edge.

Debbie screams and hollers while Alcide holds a gun on her so Sookie and reluctant Tara can drag Bill toward the van. When Debbie suddenly starts speaking in a creepy “The Exorcist” voice, Alcide has had enough and locks in her the stable. Why he didn’t just shoot her, I don’t know. It’s not like anybody would even bother to put Debbie’s face on the back of a milk carton.

Tara and Sookie are standing at the van, with Tara poking at the pile of Bill with a disgusted foot. “He ain’t gonna make it!”. Alcide joins them in staring at bloody Bill. Their gazing is interrupted when we hear a bark and here come some unhappy werewolves. Uh oh. Our gang piles in the van and peels out.

Cut to Jason lounging in his boxer shorts, while Hoyt is putting his clothes back on. (Excuse me?) They are babbling about Crystal (Jason: “I love her!”. Hoyt: “I bet her middle name’s Meth.”) and how Jason can find out more about his rural dream girl. Hoyt suggests Jason go talk to the drug dealer in the town jail, since he must be related to people who lie about fiances while living in a grungy trailer park.

While Jason dashes off to figure out what one wears when interrogating drug dealers, Hoyt hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find Summer, that annoying girl he went on a date with the other night. She’s holding a covered dish, so you know there’s going to be trouble.

Quick scene with Sam in the woods, stripping down to his birthday suit so he can transition into a dog. Then he trots off to save the day. Or at least clean himself with his tongue.

Hoyt and Summer again. She’s on some monologue about baked goods, the love and attention she lavished on the home-made butter, and the fact that she has plans for Hoyt. “I really want you to taste my biscuits.” At this startling bit of news, Jason wanders in, proceeds to taste the biscuits because it’s instinct with him to taste anything he sees, and is so moved by the deliciousness he encounters that he announces Hoyt and Summer should immediately begin making babies.

Cut to Sophie the Queen’s mansion, where she’s locked up in some cage thing and not really impressed with her accommodations. Eric walks up to Sophie, dragging along “her human” (Hadley? Something like that.) and threatening to drain Hadley for good if Sophie doesn’t spill the goods on Sookie. As Eric starts in on his snack, Sophie first claims to know nothing, then offers that you can’t trust Russell (well, THAT’S obvious, no need to bite anybody to learn such), and finally decides to be belligerent. Do what you want with my toy, she’s nothing to me.

Which was probably not a good move, since Hadley stirs in Eric’s lethal embrace, and warbles “I’ll tell you.” (By the way, I’m Sookie’s cousin, so good of you to drop by for a visit.) Hadley whispers something juicy in Eric’s ear while Sophie seethes and wrinkles her couture. Eric, news received: “I certainly wasn’t expecting THAT.”

Then they cut away, because it would be a damn shame if we actually learned something around here.

Quick scene at the hillbilly dog-fight compound, with Sam trotting up and wagging his tail. Somebody grabs a leash.

In the back of the van, Sookie is still struggling to keep Bill alive. “Give me a sign!” Then she reaches over, snatches up a handy giant-toothed saw that just happened to by lying there, and proceeds to cut open her arm. (Seriously, she couldn’t find something smaller?) Sookie lets some of her blood drip into Bill’s mouth. It does more than the trick, as Bill suddenly springs into action and tears into Sookie’s pretty little throat. Poor Sookie. Everybody in this episode wants to eat her.

Jason at the jail, trying to talk to the drug dealer in his cell. At first he’s all street, but that gets boring so he gets to the point and asks what the man knows about Crystal. Well, turns out this guy is her cousin, and he would be more than happy to give Jason some intel. On one condition. He needs some meth, and he needs it bad. (He twitches to show just how serious he is about this.) Jason ponders, and then nosey Deputy Assistant Temporary Acting Sheriff Andy strolls up and orders Jason to go wash more police cars. Preferably with his shirt off and lots of splashed water.

The van is now at the side of the road, so Alcide can go tinkle. (We’re running from vicious wolves and Bill is on the cusp of dying without having finished his Monuments of New Jersey jigsaw puzzle, but Alcide can’t just clench?) Tara goes to check on Sookie, opens the back door, and discovers extremely bloody and tragic-looking Sookie sprawled next to an energized but confused Bill.

Well, Tara ain’t gonna put up with that mess. She jumps in the van, throws Bill out, screams for Alcide to zip it up NOW, and then they fly down the road, leaving Bill in the sunlight. Well, would you look at that? Sure, Bill’s skin is smoking a wee bit, but none of that bursting into agonized flames business. Delighted, Bill runs off into the woods, because that’s just what you do around here until they get a new picture at the drive-in.

Quick scene with Dog Sam at the hillbilly compound, transitioning back into Human Sam so we can get brief glimpses of nudity before he races off to save… somebody too stupid to save themselves.

Cut to an Emergency Room, with Sookie and lots of medical procedures. They try to give her a blood transfusion, but she’s not being cooperative and tries to steal the scene by having a seizure of some kind. A bit later, some doctor is telling Tara that Sookie’s in a bad way. She’s lost a lot of blood (On this show? Imagine!), her body rejected the transfusion of O-negative, which anybody should be able to accept, and, oh yeah, Sookie has a blood type that nobody on this planet has ever seen. Cue dramatic music while Tara’s eyes widen.

Back to the dog-fighting compound. Trashy Momma is there, chain-smoking while she gets teary-eyed as (presumably) Tommy Doggie gets ready for his first rumble. Over in the dog pens, Sam sets off an alarm and then opens all the pens to set the Benji’s free. As rednecks scatter to the wind cause the po-po is comin’, Sam runs to the ring and makes Tommy transition back and orders Nasty Daddy to give Tommy his clothes. (I shut my eyes in absolute terror of seeing Nasty Daddy naked again.)

Jason goes to Merlotte’s, trying to get Lafayette to give him some meth. Laff gets offended cause he a high-class dealer, pushing V and not that cheap-ass meth. While they bicker, Jason gets a call from Tara. “Sookie’s in a coma. You need to get here.”

Back to the dogs. Sam yells at Trashy Momma and Nasty Daddy, belittling their parenting skills. Then he makes Tommy come with him as they stomp off. Nasty Daddy: “We’ll get him back.” Trashy Momma: You’re a pig and I hate you. (Yet gay people can’t get married? Sheesh.)

Over to the hospital, with some Pollyanna social worker trying to get Jason to understand the phrase “next of kin”. Jason: “I ain’t responsible.” Laff sends Polly off to arrange religious brochures, then Jason explains to Tara and Laff about Sookie’s medical history. She never got sick, never went to the hospital, wasn’t even borned in one. Popped out right there on the dining room table.

Tara blames it all on Bill, and is personally triumphant that she left Bill to burn up on the side of the road. (“Good riddance!”) Then Jason says some tender things to the comatose Sookie, followed by Tara with her own endearments. Then Laff tells them to both quit using cuss words as he reapplies his makeup and adjusts his embroidered headscarf with the depiction of The Last Supper at Studio 54.

Then things get a little weird.

Sookie, possibly in a dream sequence, or maybe it’s a special matinee showing of a near-death travelogue. She’s all pretty in her hospital bed, but prettiness is not enough so she gets out of bed, grabs a nice crystal goblet, and then walks across rose petals, out of the room and down the hall. A door flies open and we go through.

We find ourselves in a nice Garden of Eden, with Enya on the soundtrack and people dancing about wearing billowy clothing from “Xanadu Boutique”. Some chick named Claudine saunters up to Sookie. “Always getting into trouble, aren’t you? Oh look, your glass is empty.” (A phrase which, really, could apply to most of the people on this show.)

Our chatty host leads Sookie to a small pond, where the shiny water glimmers with unearthly dazzle. And apparently it’s very tasty, because Sookie gulps it down like a pig in mud. Claudine: “You’ve had it before.” Then Angelina Jolie rises out of the water and wanders off to adopt something.

And now we’re at the real hospital, with Laff reciting something very moving and beautiful. Tara nods her head approvingly. Jason just nods, period, because those are some really big words and he’s trying to stay awake.

Back to the Dancing Garden, where Claudine is requesting of Sookie: “Don’t go back. Come with us.” Then Sookie starts reading Claudine. Something about her parents. “It wasn’t the water that killed them.”


Real hospital again. Bill shows up. “I can save her!” Tara don’t want NONE of that. Heated discussion ensues.

And the Dancing Garden again, where now the wind is blowing and it’s getting dark, which is a sign for the effeminate boys and diaphanous girls to run and jump in the pond. (That would be MY first instinct.) Claudine, doing double duty as both hostess and Julie on the Love Boat, is shoving people in the pond while still begging Sookie. “You have to come with us. He will steal your light!” Then everybody’s gone, and Sookie, not sure what might be next on the agenda, falls to the pretty ground and looks sad.

Real hospital. Jason, giving his consent to Bill. “Do it.” When Tara and Laff start to fuss in a chorus of dissatisfaction, Jason cuts them off. “It’s my call.” Bill unhooks Sookie’s IV from the little pole thing and shoves it into his arm.

Very quick scene with Sam and Tommy in the car, driving to wherever. No one says a word. Perhaps the script pages for this scene got sucked into the Angelina Pond during the stampede of anorexic angel people running from the darkness and Sookie’s tacky outfit.

Over to the basement of Fangtasia, where the Magister is still torturing Pam for wearing high-heeled shoes or whatever. He has some sterling silver earrings from Tiffany’s that he wants to use in piercing Pam’s eyelids. (Good times, right?) Eric suddenly flash-whizzes down the cellar stairs. “That’s enough!” Magister, not impressed: “Is Bill with you.” Eric: “No, but the Queen is.”

Oh? They finally have the Magister’s full attention. He gleefully prepares to arrest the Queen.

Russell waltzes in and informs the Magister: “You may call me King.” And oh, by the way, “I no longer recognize The Authority.” Magister: “That’s a cardinal sin!” Russell: As if I care. And there’s more good news. “The Queen has accepted my marriage proposal!” (Shot of Sophie looking anything but pleased with this nuptial arrangement.) “Now I just want you to recognize us.” When the Magister declines, Russell does his own speed-whiz movements, replacing Pam with the Magister in that torture chamber thing.

Then Russell grabs a smoking spike weapon and waves it about menacingly.

Hospital room again, with folks lying about in fitful slumber. Sookie awakens, tosses her head prettily, gazes upon her devoted family and friends with a gentle smile, and then she spies Bill marching toward her bed. And she promptly begins to scream her head off.

Back to the Fangtasia basement. Russell is stabbing the Magister with his evil walking stick. “Just say the words!” The Magister is being all petulant about it, but finally tires of being poked full of smoking holes. Fine. “I hereby pronounce you man and wife.”

Sophie the Queen, dripping sarcasm: “I’m so happy I could bleed.”

Russell then decides to give a lengthy oratory, probably having thought for a long time about this moment of ascension. We are now going to obey the One Law, the Law of Nature. We will take the world back from the humans! Or some such. Eventually, Russell gets pretty worked up and it’s not clear what he might do next.

Eric intervenes, trying to get Russell to just leave now that he’s been recognized. “Shall we?”

Russell starts to follow, then suddenly whirls around and chops the Magister’s head clean off.

“Say hello to the True Death.”

Well, then.

Roll end credits.

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