Thursday, August 5, 2010

Searching For Signal: #148 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 12

So we start out with the standard review of previous episodes, where we once again get to see Andrew lose his mind during the Eviction Ceremony. Come on, folks, this is a done deal. He went crazy and he went home. Over it. Can you not find anything new to tantalize us with? Oh wait. There are several new scenes of Rachel flipping her hair, so I guess we should be happy with that. Not.

Round of Diary Room confessions after Rachel made her “Bring it on!” comment during the Nomination Ceremony:

Hayden: “Everybody’s coming after YOU!” Then he is attacked by angry birds who think he has stolen their nest and placed it on his head.

Kristen: “I totally expected this.” Then she is attacked by angry birds who are unhappy with her fondling their nest and making orgiastic sounds.

Rachel: “I don’t know WHERE “Bring it on!” came from.” Um, it came from your mouth. Surely you have some type of control over that thing.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room. He’s understandably displeased with her pep rally slogan at the end of the Ceremony. She’s petulant. “Fine. Get mad at me.” Brendon: You need to go apologize. Rachel: No! He keeps pushing for her to do the right thing, and she keeps proving that she’s just not right in the head. Finally, she’s had enough of the prodding, and Rachel and her hair march out the door.

Kristen and Hayden in one of the rooms. Kristen: “This sucks.” (English major, is she?) Hayden: “All because of a little showmance.” Little? When have you two ever even dried off? Then Hayden surprises me with “Kathy kisses Rachel’s ass.” What? First, Kathy has been the one person in the house to speak her mind lately, and second, ain’t nobody able to even get NEAR Rachel’s ass because Brendon’s nose is in the way.

Rachel waltzes up to Kristen and Hayden: The nominations were “not a personal thing.” Then she makes a face, which clearly explains that her heart is not in this fake apology. Rachel really needs a class on people skills. Not sure if her head will fit in the classroom, though.

Rachel and Brendon again in the HOH Room. He’s trying really hard to be supportive despite his misgivings about the way she’s been acting. (But dude, you really need to quit throwing out that “love you very much” phrase, because you’ve only known each other for approximately two hours, and every time you say it Rachel doesn’t respond in kind and wrinkles her nose like you just tooted.)

Time to pick the players for the Veto Competition. Rachel draws Britney’s name (with Britney not even trying to hide her disgust at being fingered), Kristen draws Enzo (In the Diary Room: “Let’s get Kristen out of here!”), and Hayden draws Ragan. (Translation: there will only be five people competing instead of six. Sorry Ragan, you just aren’t any good at this.)

Then we traipse out to the courtyard, for “Wizards of Pinball”, where there are tons of pinball machines placed about (which prove to be meaningless) and a giant pinball machine in the midst of it all (which proves to be where the action really is). In each round, players pull the thingy and hope that the silver ball scores the highest point. The person with the lowest point has to make the march of shame, but they do get to pick a prize, which can then be snatched away by subsequent game evictees.

Kristen is out first, and her prize is the Power of Veto. (Oh? Let’s see how long she gets to keep THAT.) Ragan is out next, and his prize is a Veto Ticket, which guarantees a spot in next week’s POV. Then Enzo drops, and he wins a 3-D flat screen TV. Rachel is next, cussing away, and she wins this “Second Chance” thing, which means she MUST take a prize from the other booted players, and than that person gets to go back into the game. Even though Rachel is on my nerves, this prize really sucks.

She fingers Ragan, taking his “Veto Ticket”. Fifteen seconds later, he’s back out of the game, and his prize is five thousand dollars. In the BB house, won money is a mark for elimination, so he trades that for Rachel’s “Veto Ticket”. (She places a curse on him and any children he might adopt.) Then Hayden falls, winning a “Hippie-Tard” (what the hell?) which he quickly swaps for Kristen’s POV medallion. Britney, amazingly enough, wins the game and discovers that the final prize is “Solitary Confinement for 24 hours. (Oh, hellz no.) She snatches the POV from Hayden.

This single competition, with the prize-snatching, has created enough drama that we may not need to play another game. Everybody could be dead by morning. Julie might show up Thursday night and have to serve as a pallbearer. If she’s wearing the right outfit.

Britney in the Diary Room, waving her POV medal: “I hold the fate of the people in this house. I like it that way.”

Shot of Kristen snuggling up to Hayden and bawling her eyes out. Hayden appears surprise by this move, so let me help him out. Dude, it’s never just sex. There’s always emotional fallout. Didn’t they tell you about this in your Social Studies class? Oh wait, did you graduate high school? Do you even know?

Hayden marches off to “Solitary Confinement”, which turns out to be a day spent in the Swamp Room. Meaning he can converse with everybody on the other side of the door, which seems to be the entire house. This is NOT solitary confinement. This is a wall that you can yell through. Try doing that “Oz” thing where you’re naked and just have a bucket for a friend. THAT is solitary confinement.

Kristen puts on the “Hippie-Tard” mess, basically a tie-dyed leotard with a creepy wig, and then parades through the house. She seems to be enjoying this outfit far more than anyone imagined. (Lane in the Diary Room: “Peace never looked so good.” Really? Then again, he only has livestock for comparison.) Enzo in the Diary Room: She looks like “bootleg Little Orphan Annie.” This cracks me up. I don’t get out much.

Then we have Kristen on one side of the Swamp Room door, Hayden on the other side, and they touch fingers under the door and make moaning noises. I think we’re supposed to care about this, but I don’t. It’s just stupid. Sorry. And then Kristen cries, wearing her clown wig, and really, I’m over it.

The Announcer Guy comes on, encouraging us to text our votes for the new “Saboteur”. It always irritates me when they let the commoners vote, because so many people in America are just not smart. But do I get off my ass and try to counteract their votes? Of course not.

Shot of Hayden in the Swamp Room, playing with the jars of bugs. Note to Hayden’s parents: See, this is what happens when you don’t have a structured environment for your children. They don’t know how to cut their hair, and they fall in love with leotard-clad crybabies who don’t play well with others.

Then we have an extended series of scenes with Enzo and Lane cracking jokes about letting “the Animal” (Hayden) out of his cage. It’s sort of cute at first, but then goes on way too long, mainly because Lane starts repeating himself. Waiting for Lane to come up with something new to say is like waiting for Universal Health Care.

Hayden’s time is finally up, and the rest of the house bursts into the Swamp Room, with Rachel screaming the loudest, which is totally fake. Kristen throws herself on a nearby cot and then wiggles suggestively in her Spandex, causing Hayden to forget all about the jars of bugs. They drool at each other but don’t touch. (Hayden in the Diary Room: We’re “still trying to hide what we have.” Oh, please. She’s already basically carrying your child.)

Enzo, Hayden, Brendon and Rachel get to watch that movie thing they won, while the rest of the house sits in the courtyard and whines about how their lives are over because they’re missing out on the showing. Come on, people. It’s a Will Farrell comedy. You’ll get over it.

Hayden and Britney have a chat. Hayden: Gonna use that POV thing? Britney’s thinking about it. She’s also thinking about changing her nail color. Hayden: Say, if you DO use it and we send Kathy home instead, Kristen and I will be your best friends for life. Britney: Interesting. But you’d have to promise Rachel and Brendon something so they’ll go along with it. Hayden: No prob. I’ll promise them two weeks of safety and then backstab them next week. Britney, eyes shining: Then get your butt upstairs and start to lying.

And Hayden does, waltzing into the HOH Room, followed shortly by Clarabelle, er Kristen. Hayden: Let’s put things aside and the four of us can have the strongest alliance ever. Rachel: Well, we need people we can trust. What deal did you make with Britney? (Smart question. Of course, the lies continue.) Hayden: Oh, promised her safety for a few weeks. Something like that. My hair sure is sexy, isn’t it? Rachel: Well, we COULD put up Kathy, “she’s the only one that can go home.”

Rachel in the Diary Room: The new alliance could be sweet. No way people could get us out of the house. But do I trust them? Then a Clairol representative wanders in and thanks Rachel for single-handedly saving the hair-dye industry.

Back to Hayden and Britney. Hayden: Rachel’s gonna do it. Now you just have to use the Veto. They hug, and Britney ignores the fact that Hayden moans Kristen’s name and tries to have sex with her. Hayden: And then next week I’ll put up Rachel and Brendon. “I’m gonna be remembered!”

What? So, winning the game is no longer important. Having a place in Big Brother history is. Sheesh. Note to Hayden: All you’re really doing is lying to people. This alone will not get you a star on the sidewalk. Bang pots together all night long and STILL win the game. THAT’S an accomplishment.

Rachel and Britney in the HOH Room. Britney: “If you wanted, Kristen could still go home over Kathy.” (Really? Did you run this little tidbit by Hayden?) Rachel: Hey, what about putting Lane up? (Britney in the Diary Room: Aw, HELL no. Where did this Lane thing come from? He can’t go home. I’m starting to get a little nervous about using the POV.) Britney to Rachel, trying to appear like she’s thinking really hard about strategy and not about how pretty her hair is: “If I’m gonna use it, it’s gonna be a decision you and I make together.”

Hayden in the Diary Room: If my plan works, “we’d all be safe next week.” Aren’t you overlooking a few things? Like somebody on your side would have to win HOH? Chickens before they’re hatched, much?

Time for the Veto Ceremony and the “Save Me” speeches.

Hayden: Britney, if you use the Veto, “down the road it will benefit both of us.” Gee, Hayden, why don’t you just say “we’ve obviously made a deal, people.”

Kristen: I’m innocent in all this. “I was thrown under the bus!” Apparently the clown bus. Or are you talking about Hayden? Because you’ve been under there, too.

Britney: Both of you deserve to be here. This was a big decision. “I have decided NOT to use the Power of Veto.” Then she slams the little box shut.

The nominations stand.

We end with a run of Diary Room confessions:

Hayden: “What just happened?” Well, I’d say things didn’t go the way you planned. This is practice for real life. Take notes.

Rachel: “I am SO relieved. I didn’t trust Hayden and Kristen.” Is that nice man going to come in here and thank me again? I could use some free samples.

Britney: “I couldn’t risk Lane going up.” When did she and Lane become tight? Oh wait, they’re both from states with lots of farm animals. Maybe that’s the connection.

Kristen: Bawling. Tears of a clown. Paging Smokey Robinson…

Roll end credits.

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