Backup Dancers From Hell: will.i.am and Nicki Minaj - “Check It Out”

Editor’s Note: This is another one of those videos where there’s so much going on that you can’t really tie a story to it, so we’ll just hit the highlights. Oh, and this is the unedited video, so there’s a bit of language. Not that you should be surprised by that if you clicked on this link…

0:03 Some announcer guy is really stoked about what might be in a locked pink box. Or by what his assistant is carrying. Or something.

0:09 Long shot showing that we’re in a very minimalist studio, where the color black is a key theme.

0:12 An army of young Yoko Ono drag queens is in the audience. They like to sit very still.

0:17 The assistant hits a button on a boom box and we start hearing a sample of Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Start”.

0:18 The drag queens are not impressed.

0:28 Oh look, there are some guys that like to sit very still, too. This is a well-behaved audience. Yay!

0:30 Nicki makes her debut. Something really tragic has happened to her hat, but that’s okay, because her fingernails look great.

0:34 Nicki might be having an issue with a gas bubble.

0:41 Nicki’s vocals prove that she knows some racy words.

0:45 will.i.am shows up.

0:46 Now there are two will.i.am’s, standing on each side of Nicki, probably so they can help her keep that hat on.

0:54 will.i.am is making it clear that he doesn’t like something.

0:56 Nicki confesses to a drinking problem.

1:01 will.i.am introduces some friends of his who are dancing like they are trapped in “The Matrix”, and they are able to replicate themselves while they boogie. That’s a very nice skill to have.

1:05 The Yoko Ono’s show their appreciation for the dancers by crossing their legs all at the same time.

1:10 Now we have two Nicki’s. Is there a cloning lab in the back room?

1:13 Nicki doesn’t know what to do about the bad economy.

1:17 The Yoko Ono’s all turn and look at us. It’s very creepy, and I wish they wouldn’t do that.

1:28 Nicki decides that she needs to call a taxi.

1:33 will.i.am thinks the back of his head is very special.

1:38 will.i.am approves of something that we don’t know about.

1:45 Nicki is surprised that the hat is still on her head.

1:49 The Duelling Nicki’s pay tribute to the dancing in the “Thriller” video.

1:58 will.i.am proves that he does indeed have actual eyes under those shades.

2:04 The two Nicki’s start wearing an outfit that can’t possibly be comfortable. They try to figure out how to move around while wearing molten plastic.

2:12 will.i.am has a water bottle on his head. I’m not sure that he’s aware of this.

2:13 Nicki asks Jesus if Pizza Hut showed up yet.

2:17 The Yoko Ono’s look the other way. Good.

2:30 will.i.am uses a phrase that you will never hear on “Dora the Explorer”.

2:32 People start dancing on both the floor and the ceiling, so we can probably blame Lionel Richie for that.

2:39 Nicki has an issue with what the sun may or may not have done-done this morning. I hope she works it out.

2:46 We now have 4 will.i.am’s. If this keeps going, we might have to redraw the voting districts.

2:54 Now people we don’t even know are getting cloned. But at least they have rhythm.

3:00 Nicki still needs that taxi, people. Help her out.

3:07 Did will.i.am get to close to a nuclear reactor? He really should be more careful.

3:11 The Yoko Ono’s seem very interested in will.i.am’s new appearance. Perhaps they really like people who glow in the dark and can be used to recharge their cell phones.

3:12 will.i.am seems to be trapped between two giant speakers. He tries to escape by dancing.

3:21 Nicki is stuck on the ceiling again. Maybe she’ll have better luck getting a taxi up there.

3:34 “You must be this tall to ride this ride.”

3:37 Dandruff?

3:44 The Nicki’s have given up on the taxi, and both of them are trying to hitch-hike.

3:52 Nicki’s necklace has come alive and is trying to eat her head.

3:54 Oh wait, she’s fine.

4:06 The guys in the audience still haven’t moved. They must have stayed out too late last night at the Unisex Bar.

4:07 Okay, they just moved, in that creepy way the Yoko Ono’s did, staring right at us. Did I mention that I don’t care for that? Stop it.

4:13 Nicki does an interpretive dance explaining the history of panty liners.

4:15 In response, the Yoko Ono’s uncross their legs. They have all the protection they need, thank you very much.

4:18 Two of the will.i.am’s and two of the Nicki’s await the arrival of the mothership.

4:22 The Yoko Ono’s clap, apparently being very familiar with spacecraft, intergalactic travel, and matching uniforms.

4:24 will.i.am types on an invisible keyboard, probably reserving his seat at the next American Music Awards, because you know he’s going to be there.

4:27 Nicki prepares to throw a football, because somebody needs to do so if the Dallas Cowboys are ever going to win a game again.

Fade to black.

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Buggles - “Video Killed The Radio Star”

Trivia tidbit: The was the first video ever played on the fledgling MTV network back around 1981-ish. This factoid will not change your life in any way, just thought I’d mention it.

Anyway, prepare for a shocking display of primitive art, because nobody knew what they were doing back then. And here we go…

We start out with a cherubic little girl in a red jumper thing fiddling with what I think is supposed to be an old-timey radio, but really looks like a washing machine. There’s a black and white image of some guy with odd glasses and a microphone who keeps intruding from the left side of the screen. It takes exactly one second for this to get annoying.

We pull back so that we can see a full moon shining down on the tyke as she continues her ministrations with the radio washer. I have no idea what the moon means. Maybe the girl is going to turn into a werewolf if she finds the right station, but werewolves won’t become popular for another thirty years, so who knows.

Oh look, the girl DID find a station, and she throws her hands back in a crappy simulation of surprise. She’s a terrible actress. No wonder we never saw her again. Cut to some guy wearing a suit made out of silver Saran wrap and playing some keyboards. He doesn’t seem happy to be here. Maybe he’s the little girl’s agent and just saw her performance.

Okay, now the black-and white-dude is taking up the whole screen. He’s very proud of his curly hair and his odd resemblance to Elton John before EJ did that fake marriage thing. He slides to the right and continues singing while we get another shot of the bad actress, once again jacking around with the radio knobs. I think she’s supposed to leave that thing alone now. The song is already playing. She’s a bad actress AND she doesn’t know what’s going on. Wait, is that Vanna White before she started flipping letters in sparkly dresses?

Then we get a couple replays of the child’s horrid attempt at method acting, throwing her hands up in some slight seizure as she finds the radio station again and again. Even the radio can’t stand looking at her, and just decides to explode. The little girl then just stands there and looks at us, like she did nothing wrong, but we all know she’s been very, very naughty.

Now we have TWO of the black-and-white singer guys, bellowing from both sides of the screen. It’s crappy now, but was very high-tech at the time and probably indirectly led to two Lindsay Lohan’s appearing in a Disney movie. You know, that movie she made back in the day when she was still interested in having a career.

Another shot of the worthless little girl standing there, but this time she transitions into a woman sporting a strange outfit that is probably supposed to represent futuristic fashion, but really just looks like the wrong people were going to design school at the time. This woman is very accusatory, and points her finger at us. Hey, I didn’t break the damn radio, that little girl did.

Shot of reels of magnetic tape turning. Fascinating. Could do this for hours.

Then the singer guy is there, as a real person and not a distorted image. He’s walking around in what might be a stage, because Shiny Jacket Guy is playing a synthesizer, but it might also be a laboratory, because there are computers and such. Then Stupid Outfit Woman suddenly appears, sliding down the inside of a giant test tube and clutching at her heart while slumbering. She wakes up, does a short mime routine, and then freezes still.

No idea. Please don’t send questions.

Then we cut to a monitor of some kind, showing just the heads of two women wearing matching wigs and more stupid sunglasses. They seem to be having difficulty figuring out where to look as they sing the chorus. (Shot of the keyboard player still mad about whatever.) Then the main singer is back, playing peek-a-boo behind another giant test tube. Oh, and there’s the little girl, apparently not fired as she should have been, and now she’s staring at frozen Stupid Outfit Woman. Even Stupid Outfit Woman doesn’t want to be around the little brat, and zips back up the test tube.

Quick shot of the Wig Girls doing hand movements to the lyrics. They’ve finally agreed to look in the same direction, it just doesn’t appear to involve the camera. Then we have several odd-angle shots of people playing instruments, and another turn at watching Stupid Outfit Woman shoot up that tube.

And now the brat is climbing some stairs so she can be on top of some cardboard set decorations. This leads to another explosion. You would think these people would have figured out by now that Damian had a sister and she’s on this set.

And how sad, the aftershock has caused the Wig Girls to lose their temporary synchronization skills, and they are no longer staring in the same direction, standing rigidly as if there were a few inadvertent enemas a few moments ago. Then TV’s start coming out of the ground, because this always happens when the director tries to get too arty. Several jump cuts around the studio/laboratory, ending with Main Singer also pointing an accusing finger at us. The people in this video are just vindictive and unwilling to accept any responsibility for what is happening around them.

More keyboard playing, followed by Stupid Outfit Woman flying (twice) over the set, like a very unfocused super hero. If we’re lucky, she’ll snatch up the little girl and throw her into a volcano, thus saving the world. Instead, walls start sliding out of the way and we have Main Singer and Mad Keyboard Guy playing instruments, and a new musician whose issue seems to be that his tight plastic pants are neutering him. Stupid Outfit Woman is back in the test tube, so she’s either resting after all that flying or she’s hiding from the little brat, who is currently unaccounted for, not having been seen since she caused that second explosion.

And that’s basically it. We finish out the song on this same set, with the camera whirling all over the place because somebody thought that might be fun. Stupid Outfit Woman decides to do an interpretive dance in her tube, and no one bothers to make her stop because there’s only a few seconds left and she seems to be very invested in her writhing.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how a new network was born.

I’ll give you a few moments to think about that…

　

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