Backup Dancers From Hell: Lady Antebellum - “Just A Kiss”

We start off with a young woman finding a seat on what is probably a bus, but could be anything that has rows of seats and lots of windows, like the bedrooms of certain tramps I know. We get a brief glimpse of what might be Hillary sitting a few rows back, watching the woman, the possibility of a knowing smile on her lips. Oh? Is this going to be a stalker thing?

I guess we’ll learn more about that bit later. First, the young woman (let’s call her Katie, she looks like one) has to discover a device that is apparently not hers, tucked into her little backpack. She takes the object out of it’s case, and we realize it’s one of those iPad things. There’s a sticky note with a French phrase scribbled on it, which Katie doesn’t bother to translate for us (rude!) but it does make her smile, so hopefully it has something to do with cooking and not terrorist activities.

Another brief glimpse of Hillary, still staring. Does she need something? Medication?

Katie tears off the note, probably throwing it on the floor because she just has that carefree attitude about her. She activates a video queued up on the device, and we see a cute guy who just wants to show her a sign reading “ne moubliez pas”, which he translates for her, “don’t forget about me”. (Is Katie taking a very intimate online course to learn French? Do they both enjoy Simple Minds?) Then he calls her Julie (so we can drop the Katie angle for now) and the snippet ends.

Cut to what looks like a train-station platform. There’s Charles, sitting on a bench and doing his best to keep his seven-foot legs out of everybody’s way. Quick shot of Dave, sitting at the top of a flight of stairs and staring at his own legs, probably wishing his legs were a little longer or that he at least got to sing more on the newest album. And finally, there’s Hillary, starting off the lyrics of the song while soft lighting confirms that she has indeed changed her hair color once again.

Back to Julie staring at her large mobile device (I’m surprised they aren’t flashing monthly data rates and a phone number), watching images of she and… let’s call him Jean-Luc… cavorting about in some city that might be Paris. They’re smiling at us from a boat, and fiddling with giant menu boards outside restaurants, and Julie is making cute in front of merchandise stalls at open markets. All of the overly-fake things people do when somebody whips out a camera and nobody has to be at work any time soon.

The vocal baton is passed to Charles, all stretched out on that bench and singing in that way he has of looking at everything except us. Meanwhile, on the video, Julie and Jean-Luc are clearly falling in love, because he picks out a flower for her and she shoves her nose in it, inhaling deeply and sighing even though the flower in question doesn’t have a smell in real life.

Yep, they really must be in Paris, because now they’re on the banks of the Seine, gazing at one another deeply while the thousands of tourists that are normally there have been shunted off to alternate streets. Quick shot of the band members on a train or some such (why is it so hard to identify transportation in this video?), sharing vocals and harmonizing because they’re artists and have to sing songs about coffee and books right when the moment hits them.

Confusing shot of Julie being silly on what looks like Abbey Road, trying to recreate the famous Beatles scene all by herself and despite the probable fact that someone had to tell her what “Beatles” means. Back to the train, with Charles using his hands in a special form of sign language, then back to the lovers traversing about Paris and managing to look completely adorable in every scene.

Yet another shot of Hillary sitting a few seats behind Julie, keeping tabs. Far more tabs than a supposedly innocent stranger should keep.

Montage of the band singing and playing while Julie and Jean-Luc do all those Paris things you really wish you could do but things like money and responsibility keep getting in the way. (Well, I think I could pass on Julie screwing around with a giant soap bubble on that one street, but sign me up for the rest of it.) And, of course, the happy couple always manage to sit in the exact spot that allows famous landmarks to appear in the background while they make goo-goo eyes at one another. These things happen in Paris. It’s some sort of law.

I do have to say that I’m ready for one of those two to quit smiling so much. You can’t possibly be that happy all the time, even when the sex is really good and there’s a constant alcohol-flow.

Oh, wait, it looks like we might have some tragic sadness after all. It seems Julie has to leave town (is she running from the po-po?), so she and Jean-Luc share a really long goodbye hug at a train station, the kind where the hundreds of other people in the station magically avoid them so the camera can get a really good shot. In real life, J and J would be flattened by a thundering herd of croissant-waving Francophiles hell-bent on getting a good seat at their favorite bistro.

Shot of Julie now crying on the train, presumably sad about her departure, but maybe just really distraught that Jean-Luc has two first names and she doesn’t. Another montage of the band bursting into song in train depots and not getting arrested, then we suddenly see Julie sitting in a completely different train car, with a curious lack of nearby riders. (Has she been placed in time-out for the improper transport of bleu cheese?)

Guess it doesn’t matter why, because her isolation is interrupted by the appearance of Jean-Luc, trotting in and still being cute. They hug and fondle one another while the band continues to give the free concert at the Escargot Station. Hillary seems especially thrilled for the couple, so we can drop the creepy stalker angle that has been troubling us from the start of the video.

Cut to a final scene on the train, with Julie waking up from a dream. Oh? The Paris passion was all in her head? And there’s Jean-Luc, snagging the empty seat beside her and apologizing for waking her up. They’re apparently complete strangers, although Julie does seem to be blushing a bit. (She may not know the man, but she’s definitely slept with him, a sensation felt by anyone who has attended college frat parties.)

They make introductory small talk, then Jean-Luc pulls out an iPad, with the exact same cover that Julie found in her dream. She smiles and sits up straighter in her seat, knowing full well where this is going…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

Backup Dancers From Hell: Lady Antebellum - “Hello World”

Okay, folks, this video is one of the rare few that I don’t dare get snarky about, because of the plotline. It’s a moving little story that happens to compliment the song, rather than something contrived that really has nothing to do with the lyrics. This is only the second time that I’ve had to hold my sarcasm tongue, and if this combination of story and song doesn’t tug at your heart, you might be a little cold inside. Just push play…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

10 Reasons Why the Tim McGraw Concert Frightened Me

1. Girls wearing cowboy boots and dresses.

We hadn’t even pulled into the parking lot when we began seeing examples of this startling fashion statement. At first, I thought there had been a tragic incident of some kind. Perhaps there was a fire, and people had been forced to flee wearing whatever they could find. Or maybe these folks were part of the chorus line for one of those down-home musicals where they sing songs about dirt and livestock, like “Wicked on the Prairie” or “Les Cows”.

But no, it soon became clear that these folks actually intended to wear what they were wearing. Now, I am by no means an expert on high-end couture. (I aim for comfort. Jeans and a t-shirt. Done.) But I do believe I am fully qualified to say that this particular rustic ensemble doesn’t always work.

Some women can pull this off, putting such an outfit together that is the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen. Others, not so much.

In fact, there are generally only two types of women who are successful with this clothing choice: Super models who are trying to sell folksy merchandise like horse shampoo or moonshine, and extremely tall ladies with very long legs, so your eyes have time to adjust between the hemline and the cowhide. Everyone else should proceed with caution. Or at least drink enough beer so that you don’t care if people are whispering about you.

And seriously, when it’s 110 degrees in the shade, why in the world would you want to shove your feet into hot, leather tubes with heels? This can’t be comfortable. Find some nice sandals and let people see that fancy pedicure that you spent too much money on.


2. Why do people wear cowboy hats when driving?

Don’t they just get in your way? What are you protecting your head from? Do dangerous objects often fall from the ceiling of your pickup? Is there enough clearance, or do you have to hunch over when driving? And how do you turn your head to look out the back window without slicing open the scalp of your passengers?


3. The tail-gate parties in the parking lot.

While I’m normally the last one to speak disparagingly about beer-drinking opportunities, I don’t quite see the appeal of tossing one back while sitting on something metal as scorching heat shimmers off of baking asphalt. And hey, let’s fire up this grill and make hamburgers, because nothing cools things off like burning charcoal in an iron drum. Before you know it, your beer is evaporating before your eyes and your hair is melting into your skull.

But this doesn’t stop some of these folks. Nope. There they are, six or seven of them in rickety folding chairs, main-lining Pabst Blue Ribbon and gnawing on chicken bones, shouting drunken greetings at anyone that walks by, and knocking noisy things over because they’re clumsy even when they’re sober. And this is two hours before the concert even starts. I was not in the least surprised when we encountered the one boisterous group playing Frisbee with a tattered tortilla.


4. Some people lose functional abilities when exposed to large crowds.

This became evident as soon as we approached the entrance gates to the outdoor amphitheater. Half the people had no idea what the entrance gates were for, wandering around in huddled clusters and glancing at the sky like maybe the clouds would spell out what to do. Then these huddles would come to a complete halt right in a high-traffic zone, shutting down all progress. Just go back home and start over.

Once inside, and we no longer had helpful “lanes” for the inebriated and simple to follow, all hell broke loose. People were just walking wherever they wanted to, even if it meant walking directly into you whilst they were clutching a lit cigarette. Watching where you are going apparently does not come naturally to some folks. Even though these same people are still allowed to vote.

And the children. Why are there children here? And what are you feeding them that makes the little urchins run madly about and scream with such enthusiasm, jumping and rolling and hollering? If I had acted like that when I was their age, one of two things would have happened: My parents would have assumed that I was on fire and thrown water on me. Or they would have taken my life and I would never be spoken of again.

5. Concession prices are beyond outrageous.

 I innocently strolled up to one of the many beer stands, desperately needing some adult refreshment after listening to a 7-year-old urge his Mommy to “watch me do this” 36 times in the span of three minutes. I calmly requested two Miller Lights. I watched the little man take two 16oz cans (yay, they’re the big kind!) and pour the contents into large plastic cups. (Apparently we aren’t allowed to keep the actual cans due to some type of legislative or corporate ruling.) Then he turned back to me.

“That’ll be twenty-four dollars."

I was stunned. Twenty-four bucks for two beers? Are they kidding me with this? There better be a damn steak that comes with it. I grudgingly pulled out two twenties and the man began fiddling with his register. When he slowly counted back my change, angling for a tip of some kind, I snatched the rest of the bills out of his hand. A tip? Hell, no. Take your tip out of that car payment I just handed over. Geez.

6. “Lawn seating” is a very interesting thing.

 I suppose that in the spring, when temperatures are milder and birds are singing, the prospect of sitting on a nice patch of grass on a gently-sloping hill, listening to your favorite artist, can be very relaxing and satisfying. In fact, I’m sure that you would be inspired to join hands with the other people on the grassy knoll and sing something pretty about butterflies, world peace, and drinking Coke.

When the temperature breaks the century-mark, and the humidity is so intense that your fingernails are sweating, that stupid hill with the dead grass is a whole other game. You roast away, with the sun searing your body and sending everyone into a coma of dehydration and memory loss. You’re too weak to even lift your head and look in the direction of the stage, so you just lay there, delirious, listening to faint music that you can hear in the distance, and praying for sundown.

Of course, once night comes on, we have a different set of issues. First, no one can really see any thing, especially if they’ve been sucking down beer in the heat. This results in uncoordinated people stomping on some of your critical body parts as they wander off to the bathroom. Then there’s the critters, insects and bugs who come from nowhere and don’t seem to be very pleased to find you sitting on their homes. Nothing quite compares to the sensation of a Junebug wriggling in the crack of your ass. Good times.

7. Teenagers are an entirely different species.

 I don’t understand these things. They speak an entirely different language, are convinced that they know everything there is to know about anything in the world, wear trendy outfits that look extremely uncomfortable and they didn’t even pay for them, and don’t seem to comprehend phrases like “could you please stop bouncing and sit down so that I can determine which of those ants down there is Lady Antebellum?"

8. Some people should never leave the house.

 Dear Annoying Lady Who Is Six Rows In Front Of Us,

I’m so happy that you are really enjoying your time here at the Tim McGraw concert. I’m sure that your enthusiasm has lead to an interesting life for you. However, might I suggest a few things? Just because they MAKE spandex mini-shorts does not mean that you should put them on. Especially if they are an ugly brown. And although you may really cherish your sports bra, perhaps you could actually wear a shirt on top of it. We are seeing more of your business than even your doctor has seen.

And really, there’s no need for you to be moving about so much. I understand that you once heard a song about “wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care,”, but that song is very old, and you can stop doing that now. You are not in the audience at American Idol. Besides, we already know that you don’t care. Based on the condition of your underarms, you are either European or stopped caring a long time ago. Sit down, please. Before I shove your nappy ass down the hill.

9. Drunken people will applaud anything.

 Want to get the crowd whipped into a euphoric frenzy, Tim? Mention the words “Dallas” or “Texas”, and these people will go insane. We will be unable to hear the next three songs as thousands of people scream in spasms of self-congratulation. They will also clap if you mention drinking or sports teams, show images of your wife on that big screen even though she isn’t here and will not be singing anything, or if you dance with ugly children who happen to be sitting in the front row, sporting an enormous bow special-ordered from the Aretha Franklin boutique.

10. Post-concert survival requires careful planning.

 Don’t ever stay to the end of the concert. That way lies madness. As soon as people on the stage look tired or hungry, start packing. Roll the other drunks off your blanket and find your shoes. The very second that Tim pauses, pretending like it’s the end of the show but you know he’s going to be doing some encores, start running. Don’t stop for anything. If someone is too slow to get out of your way, resulting in some unfortunate bleeding, that’s their own fault. They should have trained more.

And don’t relax just because you made it out of the gates. Other, faster people have escaped before you. They are already in their cars, and the parking lot exits are getting really busy. Every second you waste could jeopardize the operation and lead to you being trapped in one of those aisles that all the other cars ignore and no one will let you out. Speed is critical. Do you really still want to be here when the sun rises on the drunken bodies scattered across the grassy knoll? No, you don’t. So get moving…