10 Things That Tea Partiers Apparently Didn’t Learn In Kindergarten

It seems that many future Tea Party starlets missed some critical days of training during their early schooling, probably because they were already so busy attending questionable church festivals and taking baby steps toward their eventual insanity. But in the interests of fairness and the slight possibility of redemption, let’s review some highlights…

1. There was a reason for the safety scissors.

As with many potentially dangerous implements, it’s a good idea to start slowly with the learning curve. That’s why safety scissors had cute little round-end blades and the inability to actually cut much more than air. This was to keep first-termers from running around all hog wild, hacking away at everything they could get their hands on. Improperly-trained cutters will just grow up to slash everything in a budget that doesn’t directly fund something that will benefit their personal revenue stream. This is a bad thing.

2. Sometimes you have to work together with other people.

This is why a good kindergarten program includes structured group activities such as everyone participating in the creation of a mural about happy bunnies or a colorful pageant celebrating Thanksgiving harvests and side-dishes. The program does not include activities that encourage the ignoring of other schoolmates’ concerns and demanding that your own agenda be the only thing on the table or you’ll jack up the credit rating of an entire country. In fact, a good program would send this self-involved child to a quiet room where he can think about his actions while a stern letter is sent to his parents and constituents about what really happened.

3. Don’t eat the paste.

Granted, it can cause an intestinal disturbance, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since we’ve already noted in your progress report that your system needs some serious flushing out. But on the flip side, it can also cause you to have visions of Jesus instructing you to do idiotic things and then be obnoxious when confronted with the idiocy. (Side note to those with severe vision-based behavior: Contrary to the checks you get in the mail, Jesus is not two brothers with a four-letter-word for a last name.)

4. A package of construction paper has a rainbow of colors.

Just like people. And they all start out the same size.

5. Everyone gets juice and cookies during break.

The cookies don’t all go to just a few people, and no one controls the price of the juice so that their donors can make more money.

6. When your tummy hurts, you get to go see the nice nurse and she takes care of you. End of story.

You don’t have to sit there and suffer and be sad, you get to feel better as soon as possible, even if you can’t afford it or the place where Mommy works won’t help her like other Mommy work places will. (Unless you’ve lied too many times about being sick or trying to find a job. Then we need to talk.)

7. If you take out the alphabet blocks on the bottom of the tower, the whole thing falls over.

This is a fundamental, irrefutable precept that is being ignored by some folks who want to decimate the productive classes of society. If there are no worker bees, eventually there’s no honey, and you end up being the King of Nothing But Air. This would mean that Dora the Explorer would have to read her own maps and find her own food without the assistance of lower-paid, over-caffeinated friends and jungle animals. Little Dora would die in the forest, clutching her empty designer backpack.

8. You have to say the entire Pledge of Allegiance.

Not just the parts you like. Or just the part about God that wasn’t even added until 1954 by right-wing extremists (surprise!). And you can’t cross your fingers behind your back when saying any of the parts.

9. You have to follow all the rules of Chutes and Ladders.

You can’t just do what you want and expect to win. If you cheat, they make you quit. If you move somebody else’s token, they make you quit. If you show your genitalia on a communication device, it will eventually end up on the Internet, and they make you quit. Unless you’re a Republican, in which case you can keep playing and blame somebody else for something you did.

10. Don’t be a pushy bitch on the playground.

You’ll get a second chance to go down the slide after everyone else has had their turn. Everyone. Not just the people who watch Fox News and eat the paste.