Monday, August 15, 2011

10 Random Character Updates From “True Blood”

Mea culpa: I’m offering up this temporary salve to the dedicated followers of my “True Blood” reviews. I know that I have been incredibly negligent the last few weeks with my updates, for various reasons, most of which can only partially justify my waywardness. Anyway, herewith are just some thoughts about certain characters so far, and if you aren’t caught up with the show, you should consider this a spoiler alert and run do something else rather than read this. Here we go…

1. Sookie

Sweetie, seriously, you’re a down-to-earth Southern Gal who generally makes decent decisions while still managing to look cute and serve pie at Merlotte’s with admirable efficiency. But honey, you ain’t been nowhere near Merlotte’s lately, running around and doing the bang-bang with Mr. Eric, often in strange beds that magically appear in the midst of pretty snowfalls. I know that must be a lot of fun and all, but let Uncle Brian break a few things down for you.

You realize that Eric is only acting this way because there’s been some Wiccan pussy-whipping, right? He didn’t choose to become Forrest Gump with blond hair and better pecs, this was thrust upon him by measly Marnie who just happened to wake up one day with the spirit of a pissed-off witch living in her head. At any second or flip of a witch switch, he’ll be back to his bad self, annihilating people just because it’s fun and there’s nothing good on the TV.

Lastly, I’m sure you’re very proud of your breasts, still being young and all, when those things have a certain springy bounce, but I think we’ve seen enough of them. Thank you for keeping your top on in the next few episodes, no matter how hard the snow might fall.

2. Bill

Dude, I don’t even know where your head is at this season. That king mess is making you annoying and off-putting, especially for people like that whiny Portia Bellefleur, the one you stopped having sex with just because way back in the day both of your ancestors bumped uglies. Why you gettin’ all moralistic about that, when apparently incestuous slap-and-tickle doesn’t get folks too riled up in your part of the state? Besides, your abrupt ending to the relationship has meant that we haven’t seen Katherine Helmond since, a sin of great magnitude that must be dealt with at some point.

Anyway, we need some more effort on your part. Many of us are still pining for you and Sookie to get back together, if only so you can recreate that splendid graveyard scene from back in the day, when you tore your way out of the earth so you could make beastly love with the pie-scented Sookie as she once again encountered something unexpected while wandering stupidly through the Bon Temps cemetery. Let’s have some more of that, and less of the ordering people around and trying to silver your friends.

3. Eric

You are so cute and cuddly right now. And boring. Not really liking that second part. Snap out of it and do something atrocious so we can go back to the roller coaster of not caring for your actions but still wanting to sleep with you and your oddly-long torso. Although, based on the final few minutes of last night’s episode, when you did that aggressive open-heart surgery on a minor character, you might just be finding your way back to good vamp/bad vamp duality. Yay.

4. Jason

Well, now that you’ve left those Panther People behind (as far as we know, anyway), you’re actually turning out to be one of the most stable citizens of Bon Temps, something we never would have guessed at when you fornicated your way through the first couple of seasons. (Not that we minded watching that at all, you just keep right on removing restrictive clothing at any opportunity.) And that thing you did last night when you managed to close both those front doors using just your legs while spread-eagled on the floor? Quite moving. But let’s be careful with that Jessica angle, though, because she just might up and…

5. Jessica

Leave Hoyt? Hell, no. Girl, you need to settle down. Yes, Jason is one mighty fine snack plate, but he’s also still alive, which is the same condition that Hoyt is in, for now, and you seem a little put-out with that aspect of Hoyt at the moment. Don’t jump from one frying pan into another. (Sorry, poor choice of phrasing.) Besides, you and Hoyt were the cutest couple for a long time and everybody loved you, and you’re not going to care for the fan mail if you break his heart. Then again, it may be too late to patch things up, because Hoyt done gone and…

6. Hoyt

Kicked Jessica out? Dude, don’t you think you overreacted a tiny bit? Poor little dead Jessica was trying to explain her complex emotions, which you should have calmly listened to, not being dead and all and not really having any clue, but no, you decided to reenact one of your favorite scenes from some Rambo movie. (And did you have to kill that innocent lamp? It did nothing to you. That’s just bad sportsmanship.)

I understand that you’re feeling a little blue and unloved at the moment, so this probably won’t taste very good, but in that breakup scene you were acting just like your mother, getting mad because people won’t behave the way you want them to. (Cue Anthony Hopkins to stroll up carrying a shower cap.) But at least you’re not as messed up as…

7. Tommy

We’re over you and your inability to function as a decent human being. So your parents sucked, big deal. Other people have been through the same thing and managed to survive without having to kill mom and pop, although some of them did grow up to be Republicans. And you’d think, with your annoying new ability to change into whoever you want, you’d do something useful with that skill, instead of sleeping with the love interest of…

8. Sam

Man, when you step in it, you stomp down really hard. What’s up with that? New girl Luna has some serious issues, some of which you can’t control despite your insistence on fixing things for other people even though they don’t ask for or want you to help. Perhaps it’s time to rethink your romantic choices. Everybody you boink either grows to hate you, turns into a demon at really inopportune times, or runs off to New Orleans to become an angry and deceitful lesbian. Speaking of….

9. Tara

Not really getting the bad attitude, girl. Yes, you’ve had it rough, with alcoholism and possessed boyfriends betraying you and vampires trying to kill you and entire episodes where the scriptwriters just had you smoking a cigarette and not saying anything useful. But really, ain’t nobody up in that Bon Temps grill is having a swell time. (Did you hear that Hoyt and Jessica broke up? I know!) So you need to buck it up. And by bucking up, I’m not sure that means joining forces with a possibly confused, probably crazy, definitely dowdy schoolmarm by the name of…

10. Marnie

Or Antonia Granola Whatever the Hella. Look at you and your bad self, getting to play two different roles and making all the other actors just a tad bit jealous. Of course, since you’ve managed to irritate or cast spells on most of the main characters, your time in the split-personality sunshine will probably come to an end in a loud and gory way, but who knows. Some people stick around way longer than originally planned. (Can I get a high-five, Lafayette?)

But I do have one favor to ask. Could you possibly start wearing outfits that don’t remind me of home-schooling or people knocking on my door and wanting to tell me about the Lord? Thanks so much. I knew you’d understand. At least one of you.

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