Wednesday, August 31, 2011

10 Suggested Facebook Changes

1. The “Delete All My Posts Made Under the Influence of Alcohol” button.

Tired of waking up in the morning with the nagging suspicion that you might have had too much fun with your wall last night? Just hit this button and an app will determine the sobriety level of all your posts, quietly removing now-awkward updates and comments, replacing them with recipes for humble pie.

2. The “Instantly Un-Friend Me From People Who Can’t Make A Coherent Update” button.

Click on this to weed out the friends who apparently never made it past the third grade and/or the English language, resulting in a status message of “U go didnt make told her she aint stupid cow mess a that. Sure did!!!!” There will be an additional option to also delete anyone who clicked “like” on these offensive updates, since supporting stupidity makes you an accessory to the crime.

3. The “Remind Me Why I Friended This Person” application.

Enter a friend’s name, and you will receive a detailed report of exactly what you were saying, thinking and wearing when contact was first made in the Facebook environment. We all have those questionable friend listings that are the result of murky, possibly lust-based decisions that we need to clean out every couple of months or so.

4. The “Status Flair” button.

For those troubled times when you can’t think of anything creative or worthwhile to put as your status, just hit this button and your mundane, yawn-inducing words will be poetically transformed into brilliance, worthy of at least 85 comments and possibly even a fan page.

5. The “Help Me Find This Thing That I Know Was There” search box.

While it is true that posts and links just up and disappear on Facebook from time to time, the real root of the matter is often the result of getting so buried in the pages, clicking here and there, following the bunny trail, that we end up on the wall of someone we have never heard of and never will again. An hour later, when you want to share that funny video you found with the cat riding a Harley, you can’t find it. Of course you can’t, that was 247 clicks and 3 countries ago. Even Moses couldn’t part that Red Sea.

But problem solved. With this fancy search box, just enter a few words about whatever and the program will instantly figure out exactly what you’re babbling about, take you to the link, bookmark it in all programs you own that allow book-marking, and send you a complimentary bagel in the mail.

6. The “Stalker Sterilization” program.

With this lovely security detail in place, you no longer have to worry about people friending you for unsavory purposes. Just as you are about to accept their request, a warning box will pop up, alerting you to the fact that this person has a reputation for commenting on every move you make and hitting the “like” button as if it was a pinata. You can then decide if you want to satisfy your vanity or your sanity.

7. The “I Never Chat On Facebook So If You See Me Doing So It Is A Glitch And You’d Best Not Open That Door” button.

Self-explanatory, yes?

8. The “I Love You But Don’t Send Me Those Damn Game Requests” program.

With this nifty feature, people who violate this agreement will be sent a small electrical shock if they click on your name for the invite. If you are one of those people who secretly play the games yet publicly whine about getting game requests, YOU will get the electric shock. Fair’s fair.

9. The “Politics Time-Out Status”.

Use this temporary status when, even if you normally are very vocal and supportive about your political causes, you are currently not in the mood for yet another post about someone decrying the Satan-like actions of a given politician. Sometimes you just want to read funny jokes about child-rearing or peruse photos of people doing stupid things after consuming tequila. We all need a break now and then.

10. The “Like Button” dropdown.

When clicking the “Like” button, you will now have subcategories that you can choose to better express why you are doing so. Example categories include:

“I’m not actually happy that this tragic thing has taken place in your life, but I wanted to show sympathy and support.”

“I only clicked because no one else has done so and your post looked sad and lonely. Do not take this as an invitation to become best friends.”

“I am so pleased that you have finally figured out how to link a YouTube video.”

“I don’t really agree with your statement, but everybody else in the family has liked it, and I don’t want to deal with hateful glances at Thanksgiving.”

“There. I finally clicked on something of yours. Quit making vague statements on your wall that some people don’t pay enough attention to you.”

“Too busy / tired / undersexed / overworked / disinterested to make an actual comment.”

“I made it past the Stalker Sterilizer. Hah!”

“No underlying motive. I just like it. Thanks.”

“Send money. Jody’s in jail again, damn fool.”


  1. These need to become reality, like, yesterday. I hate those freaking game requests.

  2. Julie,

    Full confession: I'm one of those avid gamer spazzes, but at least I have separate friend lists I use to share my need for a golden shovel or whatver. In fact, when I accidentally post to the entire world, I'll send a mea culpa status update. Pathetic and sad, but that's how I roll... ;)