10 Classic Movies, Re-Engineered For 2011

1. Thelma and Bleu Cheese

An unhappily-married woman gets fed up with, well, everything, so she hops in a car and decides to just drive places and see what happens. All of her girlfriends have mani-pedi appointments that they don’t dare break, so Thelma is forced to take along a bottle of salad dressing to keep her company. The two of them stop for cocktails at a trendy sushi and martini bar, where there is a misunderstanding about global warming and an uneducated bigot ends up dead.

Rather than being rewarded for this thinning of the herd, Thelma and Bleu Cheese are instead accused of not liking men very much, a concept that is unfathomable to most straight males and therefore worthy of incarceration. Thelma and Bleu make a run for it, but after a few poor decisions and some windswept cinematography, the girl and the condiment find themselves trapped with no escape, and decide to end the party by driving off a cliff into Cobb Salad Canyon.

2. The Gizzard of Oz

A quartet of laid-off poultry workers set out on a journey to find gainful employment in Emerald City. Along the way, they are beset by mean witches throwing fireballs at their social security cards, flying monkeys stealing their access to health care and a horrid little poppy field where people are lulled to sleep by flowering lies from a fake news channel called Fox Spews.

Upon arriving at the fabled City of Campaign Promises, our gang learns that the whole thing is an evil charade, run by an embittered man from Australia who has a penchant for controlling countries that are not his own. There are NO new jobs, and there never will be as long as his monkeys keep flying through the air and stupid people can’t think for themselves. Happily, the gang finally discovers that if they click their heels together three times, they will be transported back to a time when politicians had decency and private sex lives. Sadly, it’s unclear when this time might have been, so they aren’t sure what to pack for the trip.

Soundtrack features the hit song, “Somewhere Over the Free Clinic”.

3. Rosemary’s Baby Daddy

Home-girl with an odd haircut and a fondness for sack dresses gets pregnant despite following Rhythm Method-Acting procedures, and while her belly bulges she starts to suspect that her beau just might have promised their offspring to a coven of Junior Leaguers. Rosemary tries to tell people about this scrub, but everybody’s watching the latest episode of “True Blood” and you really can’t expect to get anything done when there’s the possibility of vampiric nudity. Eventually, Rosemary decides that raising the spawn of Satan can’t be all that bad if you get a government check out of it.

4. Star Whores

A long time ago, in a galaxy known as California, a band of resistance fighters decided that it was far too much work becoming famous due to actual effort and merit, and that it was much more sensible to be popular just because you exist. All you should have to do is find a robotic friend or two, pick out a hairdo based on cinnamon buns or related pastries, pimp your ride with lots of bling, and allow cameras to film you brushing your teeth and yelling at household servants. Bingo. Your own TV show. And nobody has to write a script. Yay!

5. Sigh Ko

A remake of the Japanese hit, the story innocently starts out as the tale of a bored website designer who, after sleeping with a married man on her lunch hour, is inspired to steal all the money in the cash bar at work and drive to a motel in the middle of nowhere so she can take a shower in peace. Much to her moist surprise, the proprietor of said hotel has mommy issues, un-medicated twitching, and a startling dexterity with culinary implements. Calamity ensues amid vague images of dripping plumbing, barren trees, and recipes for miso soup. Cameo appearance by Anthony Bourdain, despite the fact that he had no reservations.

6. Some Like It Shot

Documentary wherein NRA representatives detail their Jesus-blessed right to bear arms, fire these weapons at anything that moves and then hide under the Constitution that they never finished reading, and wear dresses while pretending to be in an all-girl ska band led by Gwen Stefani and her ponytail.

7. Raiders of the Lost Spark

Harrison Buick stars as a shape-shifting man trying to find out what happened to the rest of Karen Allen’s career. Complications arise when Nancy Allen shows up, demanding equal billing and explanations. Special effects by Short Round productions.

8. Jurassic Park Avenue

Woody Allen directs this probing account of what happens when the really old people on the Upper East Side refuse to share the secrets of their continued existence with a party of Wall Street officials seeking the continued existence of their hidden bank accounts. In typical Allen style, there’s lots of angst-ridden dialogue, understated but expensive couture, and a daycare center for Allen’s wife.

9. The Silence of the Jams

A vicious serial killer is loose at a charming country inn nestled in the midst of a Vermont orchard, and no one is safe. Guests live in fear that their breakfast trays will arrive without the exact marmalade they ordered, a sure sign that they are next on the maniac’s menu. The survivors are forced to band together and overcome terrifying obstacles to ensure they make it to the next meal. (Of course, no one even considers just leaving, because the deposit is nonrefundable.) Jody Foster has a small role recreating the “bee charmer” scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. Just because.

10. Crease

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John join forces again as singing drycleaners responsible for keeping the garments of celebrities properly ironed. They start out as a gay man and a shy lesbian, but after several rousing musical numbers (including “Hopelessly Devoted to Using Starch”, “Born to Hand Iron” and “Look at Me, I’m Wrinkle-Free!”), they can’t help but give the straight thing a spin, at least until the producers make a decision about the sequel. (Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow show up for the critical scarf-folding montage wherein love blooms amid the steam.)

The amazingly bouncy finale has the entire cast doing intricate choreography while they wrap John and Olivia’s car in plastic bags as it moves down the production line toward matrimony. Directed by Elton John and Eminem.