Friday, September 30, 2011

20 Perfectly Good Reasons To Keep Playing On Facebook Instead of Living An Actual Life

1. I need to make sure that people aren’t stalking me by stalking them first. (Wait a minute, Billy Bob just started playing “Cityville” two seconds after I did. He must want me. But he is so not gonna get some of this. Unfriend.)

2. I want to change my profile pic so I’m waiting for someone else to use a good one that I can steal. (Which they probably stole from somebody else. Ever notice that there are only about five profile pics out there, especially around election times?)

3. I’m sure that somebody will eventually post a status that they want me to repost for at least an hour, and I don’t want to disappoint them. (Except for the posts that include “97% of you won’t dare repost”. Now you’re just being confrontational, and that’s not pretty.)

4. There’s that one last person I still haven’t connected with from high school. I don’t really remember her, but she’s in the yearbook and I like a complete set. (Even if she was only at our school for one semester and smelled like wet dog. I love everybody.)

5. My crops will be ready in two hours. (Why waste all that time logging out and back in?)

6. I don’t have anywhere to be in the morning. (Except at the coffee maker.)

7. I’m sure that Boo’s parents will be releasing another video of him any minute, filmed in that oddly-clean apartment where he lives. (I have never seen anything out of place. Ever. That’s almost as creepy as Boo.)

8. I can get ideas for how to redecorate my house by looking at other people’s examples of doing things that didn’t work. (When did macramé come back in style?)

9. I can socialize without having to put my pants on. (This becomes increasingly more important the older you get.)

10. I can click “like” on the comments of people I hardly know just to make them wonder. (Hey, who is that? Is he stalking me?)

11. Why clean the house? It’s just going to get dirty again. (And when you clean, you can’t find things, and this leads to harsh accusations and divorce.)

12. Someone will eventually post a video of rednecks doing stupid things while wearing trashy outfits. These things please me. (Yes, you run the risk of seeing your own relatives as cast members, but you have to take chances, right?)

13. I no longer have to watch my favorite TV shows, because some fool is going to spill all the plot details before I can even turn on the DVR. (Did it ever occur to these Paul Reveres that not everybody watches the shows live, and that riding your horse through the night, screaming about who won “Big Brother”, can get you shot?)

14. The Constant Clicking is actually kind of soothing. (Wait, wasn’t that a k.d. lang song?)

15. You can learn an amazing amount of useless trivia that you will never use again. (Just like high school.)

16. The Facebook-within-Facebook scroll on the right is annoying but hypnotizing. (Wait, Jody Sue just joined the “Sexy Prophets of the Bible” fan page? The little tramp.) Suddenly it’s three days later and the lawn still hasn’t been mowed.

17. There’s still beer in the fridge. (I need something to do while I drink that.)

18. Watching the scrolling feed of inane people spouting way too much information about their personal situations makes me feel better about my own life. (Honey, we really don’t need to know about that rash. And stop sleeping with people when you don’t even know their full name.)

19. It’s nice that so many people want to add me to their Birthday Calendar. (I don’t really know you, but thanks for counting the rings on my tree. Are you sending me a present?)

20. Why bother trying to get anything else done? The Republicans are just going to block me anyway. (Well, until November 2012.)

Peace in.

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