Backup Dancers From Hell: Kanye West featuring Rihanna and Kid Cudi - “All Of The Lights”

Side Note 1: There’s a disclaimer with the video that we also have vocals from Fergie, Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Tony Williams, Alicia Keys, La Roux, The Dream, Ryan Leslie, Alvin Fields and Ken Lewis. Seriously? Did they record this song at a Grammy after-party? Anyway…


Side Note 2: You might not want to watch this is you have any type of seizure tendencies. There’s some irritating strobe-light business going on…

We start out looking at a letter board with lots of names and numbers. We have no idea what this thing really is. It could be an apartment directory or some weird stock exchange. Who knows. Cut to a little girl opening a door, and we immediately feel sorry for her, because some wicked parent or guardian has forced her to wear a scarf around her neck that is bigger than she is. But the little girl is a trooper, so she and her neckwear and backpack head out into the snowy streets of some city.

The little cherub wanders around for a while, probably because she can’t see where she’s going and is just walking until she slams into something, then she’ll adjust her plan. Then we start seeing images of what might be an apartment complex, or perhaps a mental institution for people traumatized by things around their neck. Back to the little girl, still trudging along and trying to breathe, It’s dark now, so this poor thing has been marching for a while. I hope she has some snacks in that backpack.

And here we go with the really busy part of the video. Words are flashing and zooming all over the screen in a variety of colors and fonts. It’s interesting for about three seconds, and then you’re over it. Apparently somebody doesn’t understand this, and it goes on FOREVER. Rihanna’s voice shows up during this bit, and she has quite a bit to say, so I’m already thinking this is one of those “featuring” songs where the guests do all the work while the supposed main singer plays Scrabble.

Two hours later, the words finally quit flashing, and we see Kanye make his debut, first on top of a police car (no idea), followed by him holding his head, and then some shots where he might have been involved in some domestic violence. It seems that somebody was doing something they shouldn’t have, and people got slapped, and then somebody else went to jail. Not really sure.

Back to the squad car, where Kanye is busting some moves on the roof, or at least doing something with his hands that might possibly be coordinated with the beat of the song. Even though there are several police cars in this odd alley, we don’t see any officers, so who knows what happened to them. (Did Dunkin Donuts just open?)

Oh my, Rihanna just made her onscreen debut, and the poor thing is wearing what looks like a horse’s bridle on her headlights, and that’s ALL she’s wearing. She’s trying to be sexy and seductive, but she has to restrain her movements or we’re going to see nipple, and we know how that turned out for Janet Jackson. Back to Kanye thrusting his arms around some more while he straddles the lightbar on top of the police car. He’s really insistent about something, but I’m just waiting for him to slip and fall, because that’s how I roll.

More Rihanna, with her nipple-limited dance moves (she basically waves one hand over her head while swaying back and forth approximately 2 millimeters). Then she throws caution to the wind and gives us a side view, making it clear that there’s really no reason for her to be wearing anything at all at this point. At least the security-screening people at the airports will appreciate her getup, because it’s obvious that she’s not hiding anything anywhere.

Now Kanye is in some room where it’s necessary for different-colored lights to flash all over his body while he performs a dance that I can only describe as “Cave Man Looks For Bush To Pee Behind”. Then we get a close-up of his face, so we can see his designer shades and jingling bling, because you’re really not a pop star unless you have such. He also insists on looking at the ground instead of at us, and this is very annoying.

More shots of the little girl. She’s still out on the streets, her head balanced on the killer scarf, and she’s looking around in all directions. (Is she trying to find the rest of Rihanna’s outfit?) Zip back to the alley with the police cars, so Kanye can do some more mystifying moves while law-enforcement personnel remain AWOL.

Next we have a close-up on Rihanna‘s face, and she really is pretty, so I really don’t get the need for her to choose couture that lets us check the status of her latest Brazilian wax. Well, shoot, we go back to the full figure shot, and you can tell that Rihanna is a bit over the harness thing, because she does the same few simple moves, and then turns her spotlights toward Tokyo.

Oh look, now it’s time for Kid Cudi in his red leather jacket. It looks like somebody forgot to explain some fundamental rules to him, because he faces away from the camera the whole time. (Has he done something lately where he’s concerned that people might recognize his face?) Whatever his reason for doing that, it doesn’t stop him from waving his arms all over the place and jiggling like he really needs to find a bathroom, stat.

And we’re back to Kanye on the police car. It’s obvious to me that we’ve milked this setting for all it’s worth, but nobody asked me to direct the video. To make it even more annoying, Kanye is just standing there, trying to look all street while trumpets blare on the soundtrack. (Does he think he’s in “Rocky XXII: Sylvester Stallone Done Spent All His Money And Needs To Fight Somebody Else”?)

Kanye poses for a very long time. We even get a close-up of his shoes. None of this is necessary in any way and my attention is waning. I start hoping that Taylor Swift will walk around the corner and set Kanye off, because at least that would be interesting.

Aw hell, now we cut to more of the blazing and jittery words flashing across the screen. I was over it the first time, and now we’ve got an encore. During this mess, the director of the video (Hype Williams, like that’s a real name) keeps splashing his name like he’s really proud of this part. He shouldn’t be. This segment goes on forever as well, with all the people supposedly singing on the song getting a shout out, along with the food service people, somebody’s dog, and a list of good criminal lawyers.

And we end with a series of colors jittering on the screen. That’s one way to finish things up. But I’m more concerned about the little girl. Did she ever get that damn scarf off her neck?


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Backup Dancers From Hell: Rihanna featuring Drake - “What’s My Name?”

We start off with random shots of some city. It’s probably New York, because I seem to recognize the bridges, but it’s really not important. Cut to a convenience store of some kind, where Drake is standing around doing nothing, and Rihanna, and that new vibrant hair of hers that I’m not used to, comes waltzing in with a piece of fishnet caught in her ‘do.

Drake decides that he’s got to have himself some of that, so he follows Rihanna and her mismatched outfit to the dairy aisle, where Rihanna presumably just wants to buy some milk. Drake starts rapping, and his words make it very clear that the most important thing to him, ever, is having sex with women who accessorize with fishing gear. He bumps up against Rihanna, and instead of slapping him like a normal New Yorker would do, Rihanna wants him so bad that she drops her little carton of milk, creating a mess on the floor. She likes her spilled milk however she can get it.

At one point, with both of them humping the reach-in refrigerator, Drake waves his hand like Rihanna all stinky, but she lets this pass as well, proving that she must be drunk because a sober Diva would not put up with hints that she’s unclean in some way.

Now we start getting shots of Rihanna sitting in a plastic chair, and glimpses of various people on the streets. We don’t know who they are yet, so we don’t care. More shots of Rihanna making love to herself, followed by shots of Drake trying to take over that job assignment. (We also seem to be focusing on Rihanna’s choice of various shades of nail polish. No explanation is given. Maybe we’ll find out what that means later.)

Next we have Rihanna, in her… I don’t know, Pussycat Dolls-joins-the-circus outfit, parading up and down various streets. (At one point she feels the need to shake her booty outside a discount clothing store, so I guess she really likes a good sale.) We’re also seeing more of those other people walking around, and most of them seem to be carrying drums, or things that could be used as drums in a pinch. Are we headed to a tribal celebration of some kind? Stay tuned.

Rihanna decides to pour Drake some alcohol, even though I’m thinking it’s really not necessary, he’s already willing to do anything that Rihanna wants, as long as that anything includes nakedness and the sounds of bed springs creaking. They toast each other, probably because they both got invited to perform at the MTV Music Awards.

Back to Rihanna still marching around on the streets, and people tromping along to somewhere that requires them to bring percussion instruments. Brief shot of what might be Jason Castro from that one season of American Idol where questionable people made it really far. (Oh wait, that would be all of them.) Jason is just carrying a set of drumsticks, without the drums, so maybe he didn’t read the whole email.

At some point, Rihanna decides that she really loves a particular stretch of chain-link fence, so she proceeds to cootchie up to it and rub body parts on the metal to show that she’s hot for things that keep people away from her. Except for Drake. More inserts of Rihanna and Drake fondling each other’s fine couture and acting like they can’t live, if living is without some slap and tickle.

Rihanna sings the amazing line: “Every door that you enter, I will let you in.” First, if he’s already entered, then whether or not you want him to enter is a moot point. Second, you nasty. (To underscore this point, we have a quick shot of Rihanna from behind, wearing short shorts so tight that I’m surprised her love box isn’t waving a white flag.)

More people walking with drums. They really need to resolve this angle of the story. How many times can you see people jaywalking with modified things that you can beat on?

Montage of Rihanna and that hair from various angles. And more shots of Drake trying to score him some Umbrella Ella. Lots of shots. With no actual scoring. Dude needs to carry through or get out, know what I’m sayin?

And finally, we get to where all these drum people were heading. It appears to be one of the portals to Hell, so I don’t really know if this is a good thing. But folks don’t seem to mind, especially Rihanna. While most of the party happily beats on drums, Rihanna takes advantage of yet another opportunity to gyrate in her skimpy outfit. In fact, she marches to the center of the gathering so we can clearly see that she is wearing some badly-manufactured pantyhose. This inspires the drummers to beat even harder, so I guess nobody cares about quality craftsmanship anymore, as long as there’s a rhythm that they can follow.

Pointless shot of Rihanna and Drake eating Chinese takeout, followed by a shot of Rihanna hitting Drake with a pillow, because that’s super sexy.

And we close things out with a montage of Rihanna and Drake not really having sex, Rihanna still in love with metal fencing, Rihanna still in love with hair that could help a plane land, Jason Castro pounding on drums at the entrance to Satan’s lair, Rihanna straddling that plastic chair in a blouse that somebody forgot to finish making, and another cameo from Rihanna’s nails, clutching Drake’s hand in a firm grip indicating that Drake will probably not get to spend the night.

Final shot is of Drake leaning in to do something with his mouth to Rihanna’s ear. Based on her expression, it doesn’t matter what he does. Nobody gets to stay in a Rihanna video any longer than she wants them to…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Rihanna featuring Jay-Z - “Umbrella (Orange Version)”

Editor’s Note: I’m not sure why this is called the “Orange Version”, but it does sound considerably different than the radio single that dominated the summer a bit back in the day. I actually like it better, and with 20,000,000 YouTube hits, I’m thinking other people feel the same, so let’s go with this version…

We start off with a shot of Rihanna in one of her typically trampy outfits, this one involving leather, a hat, and lots of Rihanna’s glistening sweat. She’s reclining on a fog-filled stage somewhere, probably trying to build her strength back up after saying “ella” 246 times.

Cut to Jay-Z, also on a stage, and surrounded by a bevy of slightly-Asian beauties wearing hoodies and dark sunglasses. There’s a constant shower of sparks falling down during this segment, and I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. It looks kind of dangerous, but Jay-Z is down with it since it seems kind of fun as long as nobody gets electrocuted. (We get brief glimpses of Rihanna still lounging on that other stage, doing the “eh…eh” part of the song.)

Jay-Z keeps doing his rap-sing section of the song, and it’s abundantly clear that his lyrics really have nothing to do with the original words, but this is not important because it’s Jay-Z and everybody knows that you should just let him do his thang. (The slightly-Asian girls continually cast their eyes at Jay-Z like every word he raps is the most important thing that they’ve ever heard. One of the girls is so inspired that she turns around to show us that her hoodie is emblazoned with something sparkly.)

Jay-Z finishes up and runs off to collect his paycheck. Cut to Rihanna, finally standing up after her catnap, and we can see that she’s wearing another one of those outfits where she has to be really careful with her arm movements or ta-ta’s will be set free. She performs a few dance steps, which mostly involve touching her head and shoving her booty at the camera.

Then Rihanna does a nice “Flashdance Tribute” move, which cause giant ice blocks to melt and suddenly waves of water are splashing our girl. To deal with this deluge, Rihanna changes into a white outfit that clings to her body when it’s wet, because if the rivers are going to rise, you might as well look sexy for the rescue party. This goes on for a bit, with Rihanna slapping away the attacking water in ways that are sure to accentuate her heaving breasts.

Oh look, now Rihanna is a ballerina walking across the stage on her toes. (Interestingly enough, we don’t see the upper half of Rihanna doing this very difficult toe-balancing, so I’m thinking “body double”.) We do get some upper-body shots of Rihanna waving an umbrella about, but you can’t see her feet. You can see that Rihanna’s current outfit is putting a lot of pressure on her nether regions. How can this girl even breathe?

Now Rihanna is in another room, with fancy moldings on the walls and her wearing some odd fishnet stockings that indicate the girl really didn’t pay any attention in church. Somebody has given her an umbrella do dance with (imagine that, considering the name of the song) and she does so with gusto. This also goes on for a while, with Rihanna making it very clear that she loves devices that can protect her from the elements. (I hope that umbrella remembered to wear a condom.)

Sidebar question: How could anyone feel comfortable in an outfit so tight that you can actually see pubic hair through the material? Is it just me?

Wait, what’s this? Rihanna is now completely covered in silver paint and touching herself with aggressive self-appreciation. What has this got to do with anyone standing under her umbrella? Does she have mercury poisoning? Oh my, it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with wearing clothes, because Rihanna isn’t doing so during this sequence. She strikes a number of artsy poses that let the world know she has a personal trainer. (And I’m here to tell ya, if a man tried this, the video would never make it to the airwaves. Word.)

Okay, we’re back to Rihanna without any Rustoleum spray-paint, and she’s now invested in singing to us over her shoulder, so someone must have mentioned that this is hot in some way. Her vocalizing causes lots of extras to come running on stage with umbrellas, and a shower of sparks to start falling from the ceiling. (Didn’t Jay-Z just do the same thing a bit earlier? What up?)

Oh, now I see the difference. The stage is now flooded with water while these umbrella people cavort about and do synchronized movements. Well, that’s a good thing, to mix electricity with water. Nothing bad can happen when you do that, right? Clearly, these dancers must not be in a union of any kind, or they wouldn’t have to do any of this life-threatening crap.

This goes on for a while as well, probably because it costs a lot of money to flood a soundstage so you might as well make the best of it. Rihanna shows us her belly button while the extras do some water-and-sparks choreography. (The take-away from this sequence is that it’s really important to arch your back when sparks are falling on your head. And if you can synchronize your movements with other people in your posse, then things will look really cool even if you die in the process.)

The video wraps up with Rihanna twirling her umbrella while the extras dive face-first into the deadly water gushing about the stage. To make sure that we understand Rihanna is the sexiest woman on the planet, she fondles her breasts and then beckons us to come take the place of her crappy umbrella and put out her fire.

Sorry, honey. I am not wading into that water filled with electrocuted bodies. If you ever make it to dry land, give me a call…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Rihanna - “Only Girl (In The World)”

We start out with Rihanna wearing a headband and a billowy outfit, making her look like she’s on her way to Woodstock, but just a bit late. She’s in the middle of some field, with amber waves of grain and such, and she’s slowly waving her arms about, so maybe she’s praying to the Earth Mother for another hit single. Wait, she’s already got enough of those, so she doesn’t really need any more.

Cut to Rihanna standing in front of a wall of flowers, none of them blooming as much as Rihanna’s hair. We also have shots of Rihanna in a small, barren valley, wearing a bustier and some sparkling panties. Back to Flower Rihanna, where she’s doing something odd with a caterpillar boa. Whatever she’s doing, it’s making her happy, and that’s all that really matters. Oh look, the boa is making her shake her booty and thrust her chest forward. That’s one naughty boa.

Back in the valley, Rihanna is throwing clothes around, which is kind of rude, but she gets bored with that and starts playing with her massive hair. (Maybe she’s looking for Amelia Earhart?) She struts around and claps her hands, because she’s got the music in her and her body just can’t stay still. More shots of Flower Rihanna and her caterpillar friend.

Long shot of Rihanna doing something on a hill, then another long shot of her twirling near a really big-ass tree. (I didn’t realize that Rihanna liked nature so much.) Valley Rihanna is still fascinated with her hair, but this doesn’t stop her from occasionally caressing her lips like they are the finest silk on the planet. Flower Girl does a weird thing where she falls back into a bed of roses, and you know the poor thing snagged herself on a thorn or two. But Rihanna’s a trooper, writhing around in the roses like she can’t wait for somebody to butter her bread.

We jump-cut around for a bit, then we have Rihanna prancing around in a river of flowers. For whatever reason, the wind is really blowing in these scenes, like Dorothy and Toto better scoot for cover. Again, Rihanna doesn’t really mind, because the strong gusts of wind make her tiny little skirt fly up and cool things off. River Rihanna sure does love those flowers, running about and fondling stems. She’s even inspired to use one of the flowers as a microphone, probably the one thing that Lady Gaga hasn’t thought of doing.

Now Rihanna is somewhere else, fiddling around with a flimsy shawl that appears to have rabbit tails attached to it. The soft dangling fur inspires Rihanna to once again perform moves that accentuate her breasts. (Speaking of, this scene also has lots of balloons floating around for no apparent reason. Rihanna might be the only girl in the world, but she’s not the only balloon.)

Yet another scene, with Rihanna wearing an outfit as if a circus performer was getting dressed for a show, but then got distracted and never finished. She finds a giant wooden rose just laying there in the field, and naturally assumes that the rose needs some lovin’. So Rihanna, because she wants to make ALL her fans happy, practically rides the rose as if it’s a Revival at the Church of Panting Tramps. (Based on the wooden rose’s reaction, I think the rose likes it best when Rihanna does aerobics while wearing high heels.)

And now we have Exploded Tutu Rihanna, as she twirls on another hill and belts out the rousing chorus of the song. This dress makes Rihanna wave her hands some more and jump around, which is probably not a good idea because her ass could go tumbling down the side of that craggy hill, and Lingerie Sales around the world could plummet, losing their best customer and all.

Thankfully, Rihanna finally gives up on singing on that particular hill. But instead of going to sing somewhere safe, like a nice, flat pasture or a recording studio, Rihanna clamors on top of this rickety wooden structure sticking out of a lake that we didn’t notice before. (Rihanna probably had the lake special-made for this shoot. She’s got the cash.) Once at the peak of this obvious deathtrap, Rihanna starts up again with the arm-waving and the posing like a Greek Goddess flying through the sky to destroy lovers who have disappointed her with their couture choices.

Oh, and look at that, now Rihanna has managed to find a swing that is apparently anchored to a cloud. She’s swinging to and fro, making even that look sexy leading her to have at least a small orgasm. (Does this woman ever do anything that doesn’t sexually stimulate her in some way?)

And we roll into our final few set-pieces, with Rihanna thrusting herself into the sky while fireworks explode around her. Now she’s wearing something really fringy, which might not be a good idea what with all the sparks from the fireworks, but she didn’t consult me. She dances around for a bit, and if she was going for the Ann-Margret look, she found it, although I’m not sure Rihanna would know about such a thing.

Now Rihanna is gyrating in front of that giant tree we glimpsed earlier, but it’s nighttime at this point, and they’ve hung what looks like giant glow sticks all over the tree. The glow sticks flicker a little bit. (Girl, quit dancing on the power cord!) The song winds down as Rihanna turns and runs toward the tree. I’m guessing one of the thicker branches caught her attention…

　

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Backup Dancers from Hell: Chris Brown featuring Tyga & Kevin McCall - “Deuces”

Well, the first scene has some big-ass titles informing us that “Collin Tilley Presents”, like this is going to be some fancy foreign movie where bitchy people make each other suffer about past indiscretions. But we know that’s not the case, because it’s a 4-minute music video, with guest rap stars, so there’s not going to be any intricate story or clever dialogue. Then we see Chris Brown’s name in even bigger-ass letters, and I get it. He wants us to think of him as an artist and not as someone who would get angry at Rihanna for changing her hair color yet another time.

We’ll see.

While the credits are still rolling (yes, there are more of them), we are shown three important plot points. One is that there is a woman walking along in one of those concrete waterway things, like where they did the car race in “Grease”. (I’m fully expecting Rizzo to walk in front of the camera, babbling about a defective typewriter.) She looks sad and is walking very slowly, so maybe she needs to speak to her doctor about her mood stabilizers. Other than that, we don’t know much about her, except that she’s wearing a flimsy shirt that is kind of pointless. We can already clearly see what she has to offer.

We also have three guys (I’m assuming this would be Chris, Tyga and Kevin) hanging out all street-like. We can’t tell if they’re also sad, or if they’re just bored, but all of them are staring at the ground like they just learned that they didn’t get any Grammy nominations this year. The final plotline centers around just Chris. He’s standing on the sloping wall of the concrete gulch and practicing “Karate Kid” moves.

Chris starts with the singing, sitting on a car and doing hand movements that remind me of my scary fourth-grade music teacher that always smelled like old baby powder. But he’s also singing in between high-kicks on the sloping wall, and the Sad Woman is still walking slowly. We start cutting between the three so we can understand that everybody is still doing what they’re supposed to do, and we shouldn’t get anxious about that.

Sudden close-up shot of Sad Woman’s eyes, then another shot of her smelling her hair. Maybe her sadness is coming from the fact that her apricot shampoo didn’t deliver on its promise to smell fruity and fresh. Then she turns and looks behind her, concerned about something, which is kind of confusing. If she’s trying to get away from somebody, shouldn’t she be running instead of just shuffling along and wondering where Olivia Newton-John was sitting during the car race?

Back to Chris and his boys, where we learn that every time somebody sings “deuces” in the song, they all hold two fingers up to the sky. Well, that’s really original. Was somebody actually paid to come up with that?

Oh look, now Chris is by himself in some tunnel, with the bright sky at the other end of the tunnel making a cute little box around Chris so that he appears in silhouette. He starts doing more of the odd poses, like he’s training for a Lady Gaga cover shoot.

And we go like this for a while, cutting between the guys sitting on the car, waiting for anything at all to happen in their lives, Chris in the tunnel channeling Liza Minnelli, and Sad Woman trudging through the gulch, not really getting anywhere. (Why does she insist on walking right where the thin layer of water is flowing, instead of on the 97% of the concrete that is DRY. Does she think there’s a prize at the end of this trail? Poor thing.)

It’s time for Tyga to do his solo, and he’s conveniently moved to another location so we can understand that someone else is singing now. He’s sitting on one of those concrete support beams, and he also likes to move his hands. This time I’m reminded of my Grandpa who would make those same motions before he lost his Italian temper and the Thanksgiving turkey would go flying throw the air, leaving a trail of cornbread stuffing as everybody dove under the table. Again.

Wow, Tyga sure has a long solo. (We get shots of Chris standing off in the background, reminding us that this is HIS video, people, don’t forget it. We also get more clips of Sad Woman on her mysterious journey, but I’m starting to not care if she ever gets where she’s going.)

Well, it seems we have a new development, as we start seeing snippets of the three guys walking down an alley while some hoopty car is bouncing along behind them. The boys seem to be having a lot more fun with this bit, strutting along, waving their arms, and grabbing their crotches. In fact, they almost crack a smile, which is forbidden if you want to retain your street cred, so we’re in dangerous territory here.

Tyga finally finishes up, and the film editor really ramps up the jump-cutting. We’re leaping all over the place in a frenzy, with the jumping only slowing down when Sad Woman’s breasts are in attendance. (And with the way Chris is bouncing off the walls in the tunnel, it’s safe to assume that he had Mexican for lunch, with extra jalapeños. What else would make a grown man jump in the air and do the splits like that?)

And here comes Kevin with his guest rap, and he’s really invested in that “holding up two fingers” thing, doing this at least 400 times during his cameo, shoving his fingers at us like one of the Three Stooges got lost in the San Fernando Valley. He seems to be really angry. Maybe because a certain woman’s appendages are getting more screen time than he is? And she’s not even singing. Or sure of where she’s at.

Shot of Sad Woman just standing there in the gulch, not even moving at all. (Well, to be fair, silicone never really stops moving, but that’s a minor technicality. Wait, maybe that’s why she’s following the water. She sprung a leak and is trying to figure out where it happened.)

Kevin goes on for a long time as well. In fact, between Kevin and Tyga, they’ve basically carried the whole song. Chris only warbled a few lines at the beginning, and then he ran off to play in that tunnel, whispering “deuces” in the background every once in a while. Maybe Chris just didn’t have enough time to learn all the lyrics, busy with that community service business like he was. Who knows.

Whoops, I just lied. Chris comes back and bellows some more, as we see shots of him ripping off his shirt in the tunnel and apparently tearing the thing into rags. (Did he pick up some fashion tips from Rihanna?) I guess the shock of wind on his nipples has a strong effect on him, because he suddenly does a back flip for no other apparent reason.

And that’s really it. As the song winds down, we jump-cut some more, with the guys and the gulch and the hoopty and Chris auditioning for Cirque du Soleil in that tunnel. Sadly, Woman With Breasts never makes it very far, still in the concrete riverbed, splashing endlessly along her trail of cosmetic tears and starting to lose her balance…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Eminem featuring Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie”

Well, then. This is NOT a happy video. Someone needs to call their pharmacist. (Oh, and side note before you watch this thing: It’s Eminem, so there’s a bit of graphic language. This thing does not need to be playing when your boss walks by. Just sayin.)

Anyway, we start out with Rihanna, sporting a startling red hairdo and a leather hoodie thing that Grace Jones might have worn back in the day. She likes the way it hurts, apparently. Quick shot of a couple in bed. They apparently can’t afford a blanket. Then we have a shot of the woman from the bed sitting on a boring floor and holding a burning flame in her cupped hands. Poor thing. Is she cold? Did somebody not pay the light bill?

Rihanna keeps singing, despite the poverty and the sad people. It looks like she’s standing in front of something else that’s burning, but we really can’t see because her earrings and hairdo are fighting for your attention.

Then the woman wakes up and she is very unhappy that her name (or somebody’s name, not clear) is written on her partner’s hand. She jumps out of bed and then starts beating on her partner, because that’s a natural reaction when you see a name written in marker on flesh. Meanwhile, Eminem has started rapping, but for some odd reason he’s doing to in the middle of a cornfield. No explanation is given, and the corn doesn’t seem very pleased about getting trampled.

Oh, and the guy in the bed, tussling with the angry woman, looks like Charley from “Lost”. Apparently the woman didn’t like his performance on that show, because she spits in his face and then bounces around in her panties while slapping at Charley. He shares his own opinions on the matter by walloping her back. I’m thinking the National Organization for Women might have some harsh words about this video.

The couple gets bored trying to kill each other on the bed, so they move into another room. This seems to have been a good idea, because there are more props that they can throw at each other, and we have a wall that Charley can shove his fist through. That bit of rough-housing seems to excite both of them, because they suddenly start making out as Rihanna starts wailing again. I don’t think I want to party with any of these people.

Rihanna keeps holding her head while she sings, so somebody should probably get her some aspirin. Eminem keeps mucking around in the field, not sure where the recording studio is with the rest of his crew. The couple continues to make out, fight, make out, fight, pause to let the camera linger on their seedy sweatiness, and then start wailing on one another again.

The I guess we’re having flashback scenes to when this entirely-compatible couple first met. Charley’s in a bar, and here comes the woman, stroking a beer bottle like she really means business. They decide that beer is just not going to cut it, so they run off to a liquor store so Charley can steal some hooch while the woman stands around and shows us that she can steal as well, having ripped-off Angelina Jolie’s hairstyle.

Quick scene with Charley displaying a tattoo on his back and then screaming in angst. Why are these people so mad about everything?

Back in the present, Charley tries to give Angelina a teddy bear, because stuffed animals always make people feel better after having been almost killed in a trashy apartment.

Eminem is still in the field, and Rihanna still has a headache, but they’re troopers and keep singing.

Suddenly, we’re in the bar again, and Charley walks up to some guy and smashes his head with a bottle while Angelina fondles a cue stick. No other details are shared, and we go back to the trashy apartment, where Charley and Angelina are doing yoga. Then they start seeing things in the air that don’t exist, and they play with these things. Charley decides to smash a mirror and then gaze at Angelina in one of the fragments. Folk, this is why they created tranquilizing drugs. Speak to someone, please.

Back to Rihanna, where we can see more of the structure behind her, and it is indeed a burning building, probably set afire by something that shot out of Rihanna’s warp portal. Eminem has joined her, having finally made it out of that field. Right now he’s doing some type of two-step while Rihanna finishes up her section of the song and shows us that she’s lost her pants at some point.

Then Eminem starts rapping again while Rihanna picks up with the two-step and waves her arms like she’s been cleared for landing. Meanwhile, the fighting couple is now just staring at each other, trying to remember their next lines. Angelina decides that she doesn’t care what the next words are, and she and her cut-offs start marching out of the apartment, which apparently doesn’t have a wall on the side where the camera is. Charley is not pleased with her departure and takes it out on the furniture.

Next we have things in the apartment, like an odd lamp and the bed, bursting into flames. We don’t actually see Charley doing this, but we’ll assume that he did, because Angelina is too skinny to hold a lighter. Then we’re magically transported to another part of the building, where the couple keeps fighting and we are treated to the sight of somebody’s jockstrap hanging from what I think is a deer antler.

Then Rihanna, still missing her pants, and Eminem, still missing an actual plot, are singing in front of the burning building again. (You’d think they could grab a bucket of water, right?) Then we see Charley on fire, probably not a good thing, followed by Eminem back in that damn field, also on fire. He really burns for a long time. Cut back to the couple, with Charley miraculously un-burnt, and they start making out again. Did Eminem’s possible death in the cornfield bring them back together?

Oh, maybe not, because now Angelina is on fire, in the apartment that’s not burning anymore. (Who wrote this?) But she survives as well, probably because Eminem and Rihanna have stopped singing and are staring at the apartment, using their mental powers to put out all the fires.

Final shot is the couple back in that bed where this mess all started. They are slumbering peacefully, without any fighting, so they’ll probably have a nice nap before Angelina discovers something else written on Charley…

　

　

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