Backup Dancers From Hell: Steven Tyler - “(It) Feels So Good”

Okay, folks, this one is just a series of images, no real plot, so we’ll have to do the timestamp thing. Which is a little sad, because I really like making up a twisted tale to go with the video. But trust me, there is NO story. Word. But it IS fun. Here we go…

0:01 - Steven and his tongue make their debut with a trademark wail.

0:02 - A monkey is reading a script in a makeup trailer. Seriously.

0:04 - Steven and an anorexic supermodel play patty-cake at dusk, probably somewhere near an outdoor establishment that serves adult beverages.

0:07 - A body-builder with an odd appreciation for full-frontal makeup joins the monkey. The monkey is not impressed.

0:11 - An unnamed woman peruses the remains of Darth Vader.

0:17 - Another unnamed woman (It’s a Steven Tyler video, there are going to be hundreds of nameless women running about and tossing off clothing) shoves her finger up Steven’s nose. He is not appreciative of this cavity search and stomps away, but not so fast that he can’t ogle various women draped here and there.

0:28 - Enterprising young woman uses her breasts as a flower vase. Steven plucks her.

0:32 - Steven impersonates Willy Wonka, complete with hat and general disregard for reality.

0:34 - Steven serves hors d’oeuvres to a thrill-seeking elephant while a belly dancer stands near a lamp made out of Kermit the Frog.

0:36 - Disgruntled monkey commandeers a gold cart and goes searching for people who actually understand him and his art.

0:41 - Steven is attacked by his own clothing.

0:44 - Steven gets violent with his microphone stand. Apparently there have been some issues with the stand hitting on potential squeeze-mates for Steven.

0:48 - More muscular men who enjoy body paint, tight-fitting underpants, drum major hats, and performing odd movements that don’t really relate to anything.

0:55 - Steven is able to identify the numbers “4” and “7”, and then makes a dramatic gesture that conveys his thoughts about world politics.

0:57 - First appearance of pretty girl who quickly becomes a major focus for the rest of the video. We’ll call her Gertrude, mainly because she would probably hate that name, and people who are pretty and skinny should have to suffer at least a little bit, yes?

1:00 - Gertrude acts precocious on an escalator. Already sick of Gertrude, and she’s only 3 seconds old.

1:01 - Shot of Gertrude’s fanny in cutoffs. (See what I mean?)

1:05 - Steven sings to a giant, vulture-like bird. They both have the same facial expression. Maybe they both studied at the same acting school?

1:11 - Gertrude doing some multi-screen crap with sunglasses.

1:18 - Gertrude bouncing on a hotel-room bed, because she has no respect for the hard work of unionized housekeeping staff, has focus issues, and likes to be airborne whenever possible.

1:22 - Steven is singing while standing very close to that snack-loving elephant. It would be rude of me to compare wrinkles, right? But he just HAD to go there and open that door…

1:25 - Unexpected shot of Gertrude fornicating with bed linens.

1:30 - First shots of Steven getting wacky in front of a black wall. A spotlight is involved. I really don’t understand anything beyond that.

1:33 - Gertrude rips off her top and throws it at us, causing Steven to channel William Hurt in Altered States in the next scene.

1:36 - Drag queen (possibly Steven, probably not) doing something overly-dramatic while wearing a fluffy coat and too much foundation.

1:44 - Gertrude on a beach, wearing little more than a tea bag and some dental floss.

1:46 - Steven sitting in a red leather chair, with odd objects arranged around him, and yet another girl sitting on the arm rest, wearing hooker boots and a brazen attitude. (See, Gertrude? Steven is always on the prowl. You ain’t all that, sistuh.)

1:51 - Steven apparently has some broccoli caught in his teeth, and takes corrective action while still singing into a very colorful microphone.

1:54 - More shots of Gertrude. Hoped we were done with her, but she’s not giving up easy, vying for attention by making out with a Sony camera and suggestively straddling the railing on a yacht. I wonder if it ever occurred to her that she could just have a nice, subdued conversation with someone to keep their interest, instead of banging furniture.

2:00 - Steven, obviously unsupervised and making alarming faces, provides incriminating evidence that the monkey we’ve been singing just might be the byproduct of Steven having too many Mai Thai’s and then wondering into the primate exhibit at the zoo.

2:02 - Gertrude, determined to retain her status as Favorite Tramp, hops on a jet ski and races about the harbor, her strong legs firmly straddling the engine, with an assortment of lubricants sexily arranged in a nearby champagne bucket.

2:06 - Shot of Vibrating Woman, She Who Belly-Dances with Such Jackhammer Intensity that Entire Continents Might Submerge. She scares me.

2:10 - One of the muscle men decides to shoot an arrow at the sky. I’m thinking that’s not the greatest idea ever. Unless the falling arrow punctures Gertrude’s ego. In which case I’m totally on board.

2:13 - Nope, that Gertrude Slut is still motoring about the harbor. Damn it. And to rub it in, Gertrude flips around on the jet ski and starts hunching it while laughing and pointing at the blowhole on the back of the vehicle. Really not caring for Gertrude.

2:18 - Back to Steven and Hooker-Boot Girl in that red leather chair. Now all the objects around him are melting while he sings. I’m not sure what this means. Commentary on the world financial markets? Or proof that Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign didn’t really stick when it comes to rock stars?

2:29 - Gertrude again, trying to pull off a Shirley Temple hairdo. Shirley rolls over in her grave. The Good Ship Lollypop leaves the harbor in abject fear.

2:33 - Steven plays bongos on the leather-clad butt of Hooker-Boot Girl. Something tells me this is not the first time such a thing has happened.

2:41 - Steven dons swimmer goggles. Commentary on the plight of blue-collar workers denied heath insurance? Or planning to spelunk in Gertrude’s Cavern? You decide.

2:45 - Hooker-Boot Girl might have the upper hand, since Steven seems to be paying a lot of attention to her. Of course, it helps that she’s wearing just as much jewelry as Steven. And that she has bacon-flavored snacks tucked into her bra.

2:53 - Hooker-Boot Girl performs what looks like a victory dance. Or maybe she got her g-string caught in an electrical outlet.

2:58 - Asian girl with video camera. Really, Steven? Stereotypical, much? You couldn’t let the Asian girl be hot, prancing about wearing nothing but strategically-placed chopsticks? Diversity, my man. Diversity. Learn it, live it, love it.

3:02 - Gertrude is taking off her top, yet again, and preparing to race into the ocean. (Fingers crossed for a riptide, yes?)

3:09 - Hooker-Boot Girl is clapping rather excitedly. Oh? Does she know something that we don’t? Like maybe there’s a killer shark that bosom-bared Gertrude is about to encounter as she and her liberated hooters splash into the sea? (You GO, girl. Mmm hmm.)

3:11 - Quick glimpse of more muscular, tattooed guys. Really don’t know where Steven is going with this angle. I’ll take The Fifth.

3:15 - Odd shot of Steven looking very much like John Cougar Mellencamp. Things that make you go… I really need to get out of this house more.

3:17 - Steven still flirting with Hooker-Boot. This race ain’t over, people.

3:19 - Apparently Gertrude just brushed up against a jellyfish with her hoo-hoo, leaping out of the water with amazing velocity.

3:21 - Rapid-fire shots of the various Stevens finishing up the song.

3:24 - Steven does that rasping/hacking thing that ends the vocals. Having a hard time deciding which girl gets the official invite to come up and see him some time? Which girl will he choose? Will he remember in the morning who he chose? Will the girls remember? Have the girls ever even seen the sunrise? Have they ever worn an outfit that didn’t separate their butt cheeks?

3:25 - These questions, and many others, will be answered in the next episode of…Soap.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

10 Things I’ve Learned Watching “American Idol” This Season

1. The general population of the United States is just as insane as ever.

  There are two variations of the human species which concern me the most with this one. One, we have lots of people who have delusional conceptions of their vocal abilities. Even if people around them are willingly puncturing their eardrums with a chopstick just to make the howling stop, these clueless people float along in their otherworld where apparently actual abilities and psychotic self-affirmations are the same thing.

  The second group involves friends and relatives who lie to the Delusional Children about their true purposes and limitations in life, and thereby perpetuate the madness of the damned as well as the suffering of the innocent. Right now, I’m thinking that this second subspecies is actually far more dangerous than the clueless warblers themselves. In fact, I believe maliciously encouraging your untalented offspring should be punishable by law. You lie to your child about their talents and worth to society, you go to jail.

2. Steven Tyler has a very interesting look.

  We always knew this, of course. He’s been bouncing around on stages for several decades now. But in the dimly-lit confines of a concert arena or in grainy footage of the entire band being arrested for something involving controlled narcotics, the brief glimpses of asexuality are not nearly as arresting as when he’s sitting still behind a table and directing questions toward the latest twirling queen auditioning before him.

3. Jennifer Lopez can make a ponytail sexually mesmerizing.

  Who knew that the simple usage of a scrunchie could make someone look amazingly hot? You go, girl.

4. I’m still not really sure what Randy Jackson’s purpose might be.

  Okay, he’s not throwing out that damn “pitchy” word as much this time around, so I’ll give him credit for that. But do we ever really learn anything from him? And I really don’t think it’s fair that he’s always throwing it to Steven and Jennifer to kick people out when they suck. (On the flip side, he will knock the other two down to happily welcome the rare person who walks through the door and can actually carry a tune.) Sure, he’s got seniority, but so did Strom Thurmond, and he was a suck-hole of worthlessness in Congress.

5. Ryan Seacrest is proof that members of the Lollipop Guild apparently had sex at some point.

  They sho did. Mmm hmm.

6. It might not be a good idea to audition with your soul mate.

  I’m talking specifically about that couple from wherever the hell, the two that did that corny tribute to a 1950’s movie by whirling each other around in some pasture. The judges nearly wet themselves over the perceived cuteness of the duo, and lovingly handed them golden tickets and a few Willy Wonka chocolate bars. But we all knew that she was better than him from the get go. Well, all of us except him. So when he got cut during the first part of Hollywood Week, I was not surprised.

  But Goofy and his squishy-faced grin sure was. He tried begging the judges for another chance. They weren’t interested. So he decides to start belting out a tune instead of walking out the door like the other crying and destroyed people. Bad move. And poor little whatever her name is that did make it through, you could tell that she was not impressed with how he was acting, practically running out the door to hide behind Ryan.

  I’m going to venture that they’ve already broken up. Just sayin.

7. The Diana Ross Syndrome doesn’t work for me.

  And now I’m talking about the girl who first auditioned with the silver stars hanging from her ta-ta’s. I don’t care how good you might be, there’s no need for jumbo-size accessories on your hooters. But the judges waved her through to Hollywood, possibly concerned that she might have Ninja skills and could cut their heads off with one throw. Next thing you know, Star Tits is onstage in Hollywood, and proceeds to trash everybody and promising to show how it’s really done. (Instantly hated her even more with that mess.)

  So Star T launches into her solo, and you’d think that Jesus Himself was trying to rip his way out of her diaphragm. I’ll admit the girl has pipes, but she doesn’t really know how to use them, and that overly-dramatic crap where she clutched the convenient stair-railing and nearly threw her legs over her head was way beyond necessary. Still, the judges kept her alive for now, so they only have themselves to blame when she tries to sleep with Berry Gordy and get Jennifer Lopez kicked out of the group. Yes, there IS a mountain high enough, and I don’t want to climb THAT one.

8. I’ve never really cared for people doing back-flips while waiting to audition.

  And this time, some dude landed on an idiot cameraman that was lying on the floor and trying to capture the airborne lunacy. Serves him right. Now quit doing that crap. This is a singing competition, not the Summer Olympics.

9. Some people are not good losers.

  What’s up with sobbing uncontrollably and becoming a she-devil when you don’t make it? I understand that you’re a little disappointed, and therefore it’s probably not a good day. But come ON. There’s no need to reenact scenes from “The Exorcist” when you get the bad news. Is it really going to help matters if you cuss everybody out, destroy public property, and physically attack the production staff? I think not. Just take your ass home, accept that your dreams have been destroyed, and turn to alcohol. That’s what responsible people do.

10. The dreaded “group performance” segment of Hollywood Week can rip apart your soul.

  This extravaganza is coming up, wherein random people are forced together and must come up with something judge-pleasing that still gives each individual a chance to shine. As we’ve seen so many times, people completely lose their minds during this bit. Talented folks get run over by the Idiot Train, and we often end up with an amazing wreck of madness that stuns the senses.

  I can’t wait.