10 Signs That You Need To Un-Friend Someone In Facebook

1. The continuous updates about every single thing that happens in their life.

The posts about special things are just fine. Got that job you really wanted? Hurray! Mama’s surgery went well? So glad to hear it. You just won the lottery? Amazingly great, couldn’t have happened to a better person, and here’s my mailing address for the check I know you’re going to send me. Besties forever!

But then the balance topples in the wrong direction. I really don’t need to know what you had for breakfast. That seems like a personal issue to me. You’re “currently watching Who’s The Boss? on Verizon FIOS"? Why would I care? If I wanted to know this I would call you. And the bowel movements? Honey, why would it even cross your mind to report this? Unless you found the Hope Diamond floating around, no one on the entire planet needs to know this.

2. The constantly-changing relationship status.

Let’s see. At 9am, you let us know that you were “single”, and posted a picture of rotting produce at the Farmer’s Market. At 11am, your status became “In a relationship”, but no name was given. Does this person not have a name? Is s/he in the witness protection program? Granted, some people are not on Facebook, so you can’t connect yourself to them digitally. But really, everybody’s on Facebook now. If they’re not, you shouldn’t be dating them. Right?

Oh, look. At 12:15pm, a name DOES appear. You are swapping saliva with Pamela Ripsnort. We know Pam. How could we not? She’s the one who made you completely insane the last time you were a Facebook couple, with updates from you every three minutes that she was sleeping with the entire population of Dallas but you still wanted her desperately despite not really knowing where she actually lived. Or what she looked like naked.

2:00pm rolls around, and your relationship status is back to “single”, and now your profile pic shows a dead armadillo on some remote West Texas highway. How is this possible? What has happened in the span of five hours that caused all this commotion? God. Okay, here’s the deal. I’m going to send you a private message in Facebook. (These things exist. Were you even aware?) Please call the number in that message. Those people can help you. Or commit you. Something needs to change.

3. The constantly-changing profile pic.

Really? We need a fresh image of you every six hours? I think not. And in the spirit of that “can’t look away from a traffic accident” kind of thing, and three beers, I checked your photo wall. You have 873 profile pictures? Seriously? The Kardashians don’t even have that many, and they take pictures of themselves in the bathroom. (No Hope Diamond there, either.)

4. The abuse of the “Cause” option.

I’m all for showing support of worthy causes. Strength in numbers and all that. I will happily add to the tally of Facebook folks who are fighting for the day when all humans on the planet can live freely. But some of these lesser causes? I really don’t care what the next M&M color might be. I’m not invested in boycotting Whataburger because they don’t have unisex bathrooms. And at the end of the day, I’m okay if some state wants to change their official bird from the dodo to the ostrich. Life will go on.

5. The taggers.

What possibly led you to believe that I wanted to be tagged in a photo of George Bush getting a lifetime achievement award from Rupert Murdoch? You don’t know me at all. Stop it.

6. The people who have no sense of grammar or punctuation.

“Hottin yes told him no gonna be too good for him shove it no time for that LOL!!!!”

Need I say more? Look, I drink people, but I edit as well.

7. The Obsessive-Compulsive “Likers”

Why are you clicking “like” on every single thing that shows up on your wall? It’s not right, you can’t be that happy of a person in this day and age. Let things roll by without your personal validation, like the nasty-sounding recipe for rhubarb soup, the video from a band that you actually hate, or the weird video with the kumquat. Take your hand off the mouse. Or at least give me the number for your pharmacist.

8. The people who never bother to actually read your blog posts.

This one’s personal, and selfish, and laced with a bit of animosity that might rear its ugly head the next time we have cocktails. I can see who visits my site and who doesn’t. I know if you’re showing love or not. With some of you, I’ve held your hair out of the way while you retched into public toilets at disco bars, assuring you that you still look sexy even though you don’t and I had to break off my conversation with a hot guy when I saw your green-faced ass darting toward the bathroom. I’ve been there for you. Be there for me. Fair?

9. The political angle with buddies from the past.

We all know the feeling. You finally locate a long-lost amigo, friend requests are accepted joyously, and there is peace in the valley. Until you actually take a look at their now-revealed wall. Then you see that said wall is plastered with hateful, delusional comments and postings that are the complete opposite of everything that you stand for. Digging deeper, you realize that this goes beyond delusion, that this person may have actually lost their mind.

Let them go, quietly into the night. It’s one thing to gently disagree. It’s quite another to allow hatred and bigotry to taint your wall. It can be tough, yes, especially with people you really cared about at one time, but let them go. You’ll feel better in the morning. Trust.

10. The people who re-post “news stories” from questionable sources.

The Internet is a vast and wonderful thing, allowing us access to a wealth of knowledge. At the same time, it’s a hotbed of pointless crap with no factual basis whatsoever. Don’t believe everything that you find out there. Are you seriously going to send me something posted on “Dirk’s Adolescent Basement of Inbreeding” and expect me to accept a crayon-scribbled piece about Obama having slept with a jackal while both of them were wearing a tutu and singing show tunes?

I think not. Michelle is far too classy to allow her husband to wear low-end couture.

And so it goes…