2. “I will write you a check right now if you swear to never wear Spandex again.”
3. “I take it your family missed a few centuries of development.”
4. “Would you like to borrow my mirror? Because it’s clear that you don’t have one.”
5. “Please explain to your child that he is not a dog and he should get off my leg.”
6. “How cute. And what type of animal did you have to kill to get that hair?”
7. “Your name is not Sting. Go pick out some deodorant. I have a brochure if you don‘t know what that is. Oh, just take the brochure, who am I kidding?”
8. “I guess you save a lot of money on toothpaste.”
9. “Have you heard about this new thing called contraceptives? No? Okay, the first step goes like this. If somebody with a penis looks your way, you don‘t have to immediately flop on the ground and hoist your legs in the air. Wait, was that too many words? Did I throw you with penis?”
10. “And the pork rinds still taste good going into that mouth of yours?”
11. “Let me explain something. Just because we both have beer in our carts does NOT make us instant friends.”
12. “Excuse me, but I’m not catching ALL of the details of what should be a private conversation between you and your gynecologist. Could you put that on speakerphone?”
13. “Was your child raised near a tornado siren?”
14. “For the love of GOD, stop reaching for things on the bottom shelf.”
15. “Have you ever eaten a vegetable in your entire life?”
16. “Sweetie, this is the wrong aisle for you. There‘s nothing here that can be deep-fried or made into a tube top.”
17. “Are you expecting to find a coupon in the throat of your girlfriend?”
18. “The door-greeter should be fired for letting you get by. I don‘t care if she’s old.”
19. “I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone deaf. Did it happen during labor?”
20. “I’m not offended by the piercings. I’m offended by the other accessories. Like your attitude.”
21. “We all fully understand that you have breasts. Now cover them up before every man in this store starts buying Barbra Streisand albums.”
22. “Did I ask you to validate the fact that you have a butt crack?”
23. “Girl, I don’t see a crown on your head. Wait your turn like everybody else.”
24. “By all means, knock me out of the way so you can get the exact roll of paper towels that I was reaching for. I’m sure it would be too much to ask for you to snag one of the 500 other rolls on this shelf.”
25. “Wait, is that a Tea Party tattoo on your arm? It all makes sense now.”
26. “It is really cute how you are letting your child drive the cart. Say, why don’t you go out in the parking lot and practice for a bit so he won’t ram every fixture in a three-mile radius? Do it now or I’m calling security.”
27. “Did you see how the milk spoiled right as you walked by? Interesting.”
28. “This is SO going in the blog.”
29. “Wow. You have just single-handedly refuted the Theory of Evolution.”
30. “Let me explain something. This lovely woman at the register had absolutely nothing to do with your inability to read price tags, your apparent childhood in a barn, your refusal to understand that you reap what you sow, and your complete ignorance concerning social decency. Stop whining, give her some money, round up your inbred clan, get the hell out of the store, and stop breeding with the rapidity of a bunny on crack. GO!”
Love and kisses,
Brian
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