Backup Dancers From Hell: The Black Eyed Peas - “Just Can’t Get Enough”

The video actually starts out with a message to the people of Japan, expressing love and support. Very nice. I would be an ass if I dared to even touch that in a snarky way.


But I will be touching a lot of other things. And here we go.

We start off with Fergie wearing the most clothes that I’ve ever seen her in, so I almost didn’t recognize her without an exposed belly button for me to make the connection. She’s perched on what might be an ottoman, with one leg sticking out from under her in a somewhat startling manner, and she’s gazing out a high-rise window at some pretty buildings and brightly-lit signs advertising the beverages and clothing you MUST have in order to be popular and hip.

Next we’re actually out on the streets, driving about and looking upwards at some modern architecture that doesn’t have any graffiti, so you know this isn’t Detroit. Back to Fergie, who is now warbling on top of a piano (does she just not care to sit on a regular chair like everybody else?), with her pretty little toes lined up in front of her so that she can start at them in appreciation for their fineness before she glances out the window again and tosses the musical baton to will.i.am.

He first appears in a red automobile, then we see him tromping through an airport, wearing some of Dr. Dre’s headphones (because how would society survive without product placement?) He catches a glimpse of Fergie wearing some designer shades, and this magically transports him back to that car again. Someone decides that we need a tight shot of will.i.am’s goatee-thing, so we do that for a bit, then we cut to two Wonder Twins bartender girls who have fluorescent algae in their hair. (Note to self: Your hair must light up or you are nobody.)

Will.i.am rides around for a while in that car, which is most likely a taxi, but could be the Tokyo version of a limo. (Am I the only one who noticed that the color of the car changed from red to orange? It’s not important, but come on. Continuity, people! If you don’t pay attention to detail, then Republicans gets elected and poor folks get screwed.) At one point, will.i.am touches the side of his head like he has a migraine. I’m really hoping this is not the result of wearing Dre’s headphones, because I’ve been eyeballing them for a while and would really be disappointed to find out that they make my brain hurt.)

Hold up, what was that quick jump-cut we just saw? It looked like some fishnet-hosed women were playing Thelma and Louise on a bunk bed. In a nightclub. And there are feathers. Then it was gone.

Back to Fergie in her high-rise penthouse, tracing something on the window with her finger and still not wearing any pants. She must have been signaling to the production crew that she’s not ready for another extended scene, because we cut back to will.i.am in an elevator, apparently headed to another nightclub where darkly-lit women are doing something that might be a spin class. Then will.i.am is back in the taxi real fast, so that nightclub apparently did not prove pleasing. Or maybe they were out of Shiner Bock.

(Side Note to the programmers who developed Microsoft Word: Would you fix things so the software will quit automatically capitalizing the middle “I” in will.i.am? It is incredibly annoying having to go back and retype that every time. God.)

More of Fergie. She’s still trapped in her penthouse, gazing out at the pretty city that she can’t visit until she covers up her hootchie better. Then she’s suddenly in a bed, looking despondent while embracing a pillow and still not wearing anything below her waist. What kind of upbringing did she have that she doesn’t understand that you have to dress BOTH halves of your body. I’m guessing she’s not Amish. And doesn’t mind if things are drafty.

Brief collage of various people about town. Some of them are The Peas, and some are not. No explanation is given for what might be going on here.

Cut to Taboo, strutting down some street with an attitude, then he’s on an escalator that has more bling than I would care to see on something that is transporting me between different levels. Then he’s… well, a lot of places. Perhaps there’s not actually a story here. Just production assistants making stuff up so they can go home for the day and watch “Cow and Chicken”.

Taboo sings for a very long time, which we don’t normally see. Did he have issues at the last contract negotiations?

Oh wait, Fergie has finally been released from her Princess Penthouse and is headed out on the streets. (I’m so happy for her to have this opportunity. Being a Sequestered Diva is only fun until there’s nothing on TV and the take-out gets stale.) She makes her way to some place where the other Peas have gathered and lots of people we don’t know are taking pictures with wireless phones while wearing the latest fashion trend that doesn’t make any sense.

(Side note, Part II: Dear people who insist on taking pictures at concerts. Can you just enjoy the music? If you and your annoying strobe light need to be validated by sending text messages right now, then you have some serious issues. Please go sit somewhere else. Now.)

Brief shot of Fergie wearing an outfit with a tail. No idea.

Things take an abrupt turn as we suddenly have will.i.am trapped in a video game where the object has something to do with wearing odd headgear and making cryptic hand signals. Will.i.am really seems to be enjoying this bit, so I’ll let him run with it, but I’m concerned that a giant Pac-Man speaking Japanese will come along and chomp on will.i.am’s ass. And that’s probably not good for anyone involved.

Whatever is going on, this development allows apl.de.ap to show up and rock along with his bandmates, so I guess it’s all good. Apl.de.ap does a bit of rapping while we see images of city streets along with some actor (Toshiro Mifune? Howard Keel? Rush Limbaugh coming out of the womb?) in sliced-up movie posters. Apl.de.ap also sings for a very long time, so I’m thinking that last contract-negotiation session got a bit heated, with people throwing out lines like “Just because SHE don’t wear panties don’t make her the STAR!” Or something like that.

Brief interlude with more jump shots, some of them involving cheerleaders with an attitude and random billboards expressing concerns about my possible erectile dysfunction. Or something that isn’t really working in my life. Not sure.

We wind things down with more of the band bouncing around in that video game thing, then a final comment urging us to donate to the Red Cross and help Japan.

And you really should do that, if you can afford it, right?

Right.


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Backup Dancers From Hell: Black Eyed Peas - “The Time (Dirty Bit)”

We start off in outer space (which is where we usually start with the Black Eyed Peas, but I digress), with meteors or something flying about and exploding. It doesn’t look healthy at all. Then we whiz past some planets and zoom in on one that happens to have streets and buildings just like ours. Yay! The camera whizzes down these streets at an amazing rate, so we really don’t have time to determine if we like this place or not.

We finally end up in some somewhat-trashy alley, where will.i.am is standing, wearing funky space gear or maybe a futuristic jogging suit. He puts on some headphones and starts singing, and it doesn’t take long to realize his digitized voice is bellowing lyrics from one of the songs in that movie where they tried to put Baby in a corner and Patrick Swayze didn’t really care for that.

Then some Film School graduate starts jacking with the pixels of the video, making will.i.am’s face turn into little cubes. The cubes keep getting bigger until they turn into just one box with Fergie’s face in it, and she picks up the lyrics. I have no idea why we had to do that, but we did.

While Fergie BoxHead continues to warble, the camera pulls back so we can get another gander at the weird jogging suit, then the camera zooms back in on Fergie just as her vocal track starts skipping and she gets an evil expression like she just ate a Chihuahua.

Now we’re flying through some digital outer-space mess like a Galaga game is short-circuiting back in the day, and then we arrive in a nightclub. Lots of people are dancing around with their requisite hands in the air and proving that none of them really know a whole lot of dance moves. The camera maneuvers through the crowd, which takes a little bit because it’s hard to get that much hair product out of the way quickly.

Eventually we make it to will.i.am on stage, where he’s messing with turntables while skanky go-go dancers gyrate in front of fake giant computers. And here we go with more of the pixels and cubes business, making everyone look futuristic but still skanky. The pixels are fun at first, but it only takes about three seconds and you’ve seen enough. Sadly, somebody thinks we haven’t, so we keep seeing it.

And here comes Fergie, doing one of her trademark entrances where she rap-sings while strutting in high heels and touching every reachable body part with far more self-pleasure than is really necessary. Fergie works her way through the bouncing throngs of people, happily shoving extras out of the way when they stupidly step into her dance patch. I’m surprised to learn that we actually can’t see her panties with this outfit. Maybe she was tired during this part of the shoot.

Quick bit with Taboo leading the crowd in some shout-out to having a good time, then back to will.i.am, doing more of the BoxHead thing while he stands on another street. He uses his Blackberry to point at a billboard, making an animated version of will.i.am come to life and drop to the street. Then mini-Will climbs back up to the billboard and tries to look all ghetto and shifty. (I have no idea how I’m supposed to interpret this.)

Fergie starts singing again, and somebody makes a mini-Fergie pop off another billboard and start sashaying on top of a building. Great. Just what this country needs, an army of tiny Black Eyed Peas terrorizing the neighborhoods and sampling songs from the 80’s. Then the BoxHead thing is back, with everybody’s face flashing across the screenhead while Fergie’s vocal track gets stuck again. (You’d think somebody would figure out what’s wrong with that thing and fix it.)

Back to the nightclub again, where some woman is supposedly dancing but looking more like she snagged her hoo-hoo on some barbed wire. (Fergie briefly tries to keep up with her, then decides it’s safer to just snap her fingers and make her curls bounce.) Suddenly, apl.de.ap joins Hoo-Hoo Girl for a quick dance routine, then he shoves her out of the way so the camera can focus on him while he raps and shows us his Mohawk. (While he’s doing that, we see an image of someone throwing up pixilated yuck, and I bite my tongue not to make a comparison.)

And the BoxHead guy once more, releasing mini’s of apl.de.ap and Taboo, so they can run be tiny together with Fergie and will.i.am. (There’s so many exciting things to do when you’re little, like walk under doors and go on a float trip using croutons.) Nightclub again, with the music slowing down a little bit and somebody digitizing somebody’s voice so that it’s really deep. (Um, have we EVER heard any of these folks’ real voices? Just curious.) Taboo leads another group cheer, then the huddle breaks so people can go score touchdowns.

And we have more dancing, with lots and lots of pixel jackery, so that it looks like a bunch of drunken Lego People at a frat party. Fergie seems to be really enjoying this part of the song, jiggling about and thrusting her arms like she spilled hot sauce on her panty shield. In fact, everybody in the room seems to be having misplaced condiment issues, jumping and cavorting with a frenzy that will most likely lead to regret in the morning.

Brief shot of the camera dangerously close to some nymphet’s two-moon junction. It’s just not a Black Eyed Peas video unless there’s butt crack.

The song winds down and we zip away from BoxHead in the alley, traveling backwards through the streets and back out into space. The BEP’s are probably headed to the Intergalactic Music Awards, because they’re already won everything on this planet. And they might finally find someone who can fix Fergie’s vocal track…

　

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