Backup Dancers From Hell: Flo Rida - “Right Round”

We start out with images of someone possibly being electrocuted as they stand on a giant Oreo cookie. (Well, I guess that’s one diet that might actually work. You get near a snack, you get zapped.) Then the lights go up a bit and we can see that Flo Rida is actually standing on a giant turntable that slowly spins him right round as he sings. Got it. We have a concept album here.

We get some pretty, digitized images on a giant screen behind Flo (the planet, nature scenes, somebody’s butt) as he warbles, then some girl comes marching in, singing the female part of the song that I guess I didn’t notice was even there until she showed up with her attitude. She joins Flo Rida on the turntable, and then immediately assumes a dominant stance and glares at us. We’ve only known her for five seconds and I’m already done with her.

Flo Rida launches into his rap, with the images still flashing behind him and Attitude Girl whipping her hair around like all of this was really her idea. Flo Rida does his best to just ignore her, but she’s all up in his grill with her flapping arms, grabbing at her face like she just found out she’s got crabs again. (Somebody needs to put that turntable on 78rpm and catapult her ass off the set.)

This goes on for quite some time, with only the pretty pictures in the background changing. Finally, Flo Rida changes to a red shirt, which magically causes Attitude Girl to disappear for a while. (I hope he never takes that shirt off.) We get a very brief shot of what might be an orgy taking place on the turntable. It’s gone before I can raise my hand and ask any questions.

Aw, hell, it’s the female part of the song again, and her comes Miss Fancy Pants once more. She hasn’t settled down a bit, doing something with her head that would make Linda Blair proud. To make it worse, she’s also appearing on the screen behind the spinning couple, and I start fearing for my life. This song has totally changed for me at this point.

Another quick shot of the orgy.

So we go like this for a while, with Rida riding the record, and Happiness Crusher Girl jetting in and out every time she thinks of another angry dance move to do. Then a new girl appears, with really long hair and less-threatening choreography, but then she disappears and Angry Annie is back. (She is NOT gonna let some second-rate tramp steal the spotlight!) Then other girls appear, briefly, only to be scared off by Whirling Wanda and her Arms of Death.

We start some mess with Flo and the various girls jacking around with a smart phone, taking pictures of things we really can’t see, so I’m not sure what the point might be with that angle. (A double-shot of the orgy surfaces during this bit, probably to keep our attention in case we aren’t interested in watching other people text.) Then the female part of the song comes back, and I leave the room to get another beer while Cranky Crotch returns to the Oreo and starts wailing and flailing. Over her.

When I return, we’re seeing jump shots of various goings on, most of them involving Flo Rida and unknown people dancing and waving beverages in the air. (And, of course, everyone is really pretty, which is SO not reality, so these must be really special nightclubs and random parking lots.) I’m mostly intrigued with the sequences involving people strutting around in front of designer cars. Everyone in those shots looks very happy and non-threatened. Can we watch the rest of that video?

Nope, we head back to the cookie. Flo Rida rapping. Queen Bee killing her drones. Orgy.

Oh wait, Flo Rida just took off his shirt while on the cookie, and that totally changes everything. But only for two seconds. Then we’re back to Fully-Dressed Flo, with Succubus Sally banging her crotch against him while doing a backbend. She’s very limber, that Sally. But still angry.

And that’s pretty much how we wrap things up. Various women trying and failing to knock Nasty Nancy out of the ring. Flo Rida patiently putting up with all of them because he’s completely used to women fighting for the chance to stand near him. And tantalizing, too-short shots of that damn orgy mess on the spinning record.

Final shot is of Flo Rida clutching Harridan Hannah to his side, raising his other fist triumphantly. I guess she won after all. Bitch. But I’m not bitter…


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Backup Dancers From Hell: Flo Rida featuring Dave Guetta - “Club Can’t Handle Me”

Well, with “club” right there in the title, we’re basically guaranteed that this will be yet another video where happy, pretty people are bouncing around like idiots in a nameless bar, but I’ll try to be nice about it until I can’t stand it anymore.

We start out with two really fancy cars parked in front of a nightclub. These vehicles are so fancy that the car doors open UP instead of out like cars driven by poor people who can’t sing. And get this: the car doors open at the same time, just like synchronized swimming, except there’s not any water and no one is wearing bathing caps. There’s a line of people waiting to get into the bar, and every one of them is mesmerized by the auto choreography. Three people fall to their knees in tears and worship.

And there’s Flo, trying to look all hip as he clamors out of one of the cars, but he’s having a bit of a struggle because the cars are so low to the ground. (And really, what’s the point of having a car that requires a crane to get your ass out of?) One of the people in line just happens to have some WD-40 in her purse, so they use that to help Flo escape. Once free, Flo raises his hands in the air, praising Jesus or at least synthetic lubricants.

Quick scene where some creepy stalker with a camera is chasing after some girl. They appear to be in one of those funhouse “hall of mirrors” things where you completely lose your dignity by smacking into a clear wall that you didn’t realize was there. I’m not sure what this means, but the girl seems to be smiling and doesn’t mind creepy guys with cameras, so that’s good.

Back outside, Flo Rida is apparently so wealthy that he can just throw huge amounts of money in the air, making it look like we’re in a giant snow globe as the rectangles of paper flutter about. I don’t understand why the people in line don’t make a dash for the cash, because that’s what I would do. (Somebody throws something in the air, it’s fair game, right?) Maybe the line-people are just too drunk to run and clutch. Who knows.

Flo goes inside and says “hey” to David Guetta, because that’s what everyone should do when they first enter a nightclub. Then Flo gets serious about his singing, and here we go with four hundred people joining him on the dance floor, jumping up and down instead of actually dancing. This always bugs me. It’s a dance floor, not a trampoline. What do these people not understand?

Oh, and they make sure that Flo is sandwiched in between two supermodels who are barely wearing anything, so we can assume that he is having sex with both of them. Flo keeps grabbing his crotch in case we don’t understand that he is an amazing stud.

The bouncing continues for a while, inter-cut with what I’m assuming are scenes from the movie “Step Up 3D”. (I haven’t seen the movie, but based on the number of people who are twirling and writhing on the floor, it looks like a lot of people have stupidly stepped on downed power lines and/or not taken their seizure medication. No other discernible plot. I think I’ll just wait for the movie to come out on DVD, and then never buy it.)

Then they actually do something interesting, which startles me. Several trampy girls come marching across the dance floor, holding aloft champagne bottles that appear to have lit sparklers jammed in their corks. No idea what this means, but it’s pretty. Then we’re back to the bouncing around and I drift off again.

More scenes from the movie, wherein attractive people are learning how to dance so that they can one day be in a Flo Rida video while David Guetta does something with a turntable.

Quick shot of a boring woman reading a book in a laundromat. (No idea.) Then some guy with fingerless gloves is practicing to be a mime. More bouncing. Then another quick shot of people standing in what might be a liquor store, and I want to join them with all my heart because I’m going to need a drink after this video.

Hey, this nightclub must be pretty damn big, because now Flo is standing in the middle of 4 billion people. Everyone has their hands in the air, because apparently no new dance moves have been invented in the last 20 years. This is followed by some rude people crashing through the wall of the liquor store (maybe they need some beef jerky), and some more movie scenes where some chick in a yellow top shows us that she can cartwheel onto the back of this guy. Sweet.

And more people crashing through walls, this time back at the laundromat. The boring, geeky girl with her stupid book just sits there, mad that somebody got dust on her Harry Potter. Poor thing. No wonder she’s doing laundry by herself when all the cool people are running through the streets with flaming champagne.

Oh look, the cool kids brought the party to Boring Girl, and now everybody’s riding around in the laundry baskets and having sex in the tumbling dryers. Boring Girl’s life has now changed completely, so in celebration she gets a belly-button piercing, a nose ring AND a tattoo, all at the same time and before the rinse cycle is done.

And we start jumping around, from the laundromat to the nightclub to possibly a subway car. Everybody’s really happy and bouncing, because Flo Rida’s in da house, and this is apparently on the same level as The Pope showing up to hand out sexual-abuse settlement checks. (And hey, did you know that if you show enough cleavage and can flip your hair to the beat, Flo Popa will spank you on the butt? Cool, huh?)

More bouncing.

And now a construction crew is busting some moves on the dance floor. This makes sense, right? (Flo seems to think so, because he’s praising Jesus again.) One of the guys does this thing where he rolls back and balances on his head, and suddenly my college degree is meaningless because I can’t do THAT. Cut to an aerial shot, showing that everybody on the planet is racing to watch Flo and his backup band, The Heavy Days, continue to have a good time with complete strangers.

Another mime performance, this one from a very angry woman who needs extra straps on her arms to keep them from falling off. Or something. Then we have some group break-dancing where everybody spins on their faces while wearing colorful, matching outfits. (Quick shot of one lone woman, break-dancing by herself off in a corner. It’s probably Boring Girl from the laundromat, killing time while her whites dry.)

Then Flo Rida bangs on his chest, which signals some unseen person to flood the dance floor with water. A new group of dancers rushes out to stomp around in the water, getting everybody wet. The crowd cheers and claps at this, but you know it’s a lie. In the real world, if some dancing fool splashed water on some diva’s fishnet stockings, there’d be a rumble and two drive-by shootings within 5 minutes.

And that’s about it. People keep bouncing as the song winds down, and Flo Rida is spraying everyone with shaken champagne, because he couldn’t resist slipping in another reference to his unending and fertile manliness. One of the final shots is of an unexplained person smashing a guitar into the street in front of the club. Because nobody actually plays real instruments anymore. You just kick off a program on your netbook, and suddenly you have a hit single.

Progress, right?

　

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