10 Things I Learned From Watching The “Big Brother” Finale

1. Julie can be really bitchy.

We sort of already knew this, with her “I need an answer NOW!” barking whenever one of the contestants hesitates a fraction of a second before answering a trivia question, and the way she can have that “cobb in butt” look when interviewing some of the evictees. But last night she really had something wedged, and didn’t even let some folks finish a sentence. (Maybe it’s because the producers made her start out the show by high-fiving audience members, looking like she couldn’t wait to sterilize her hands as she tottered down the steps in her ugly designer shoes.)

2. Adam is delusional.

All summer long: “I’ve really gotta step up to the plate now! It’s time for me to win this one and show everybody what I can do! I need to make a bold move and shake the house up! I’m playing the best game ever played!”

Crickets chirp.

Dude, you sucked at everything. That one HOH that you managed to win? It’s not really winning when there’s no one left in the house but you and Shelly’s ashtray. And the constant roaring that you think is so endearing? It’s not. At all. But it might explain why you couldn’t win competitions. You were so tired from yelling and doing that rocker thing with your hands that it’s no surprise we often heard Julie say “House guests, on your mark, get set, and… whoops, Adam has already dropped out. Anyway, the rest of you… GO!”

3. I still don’t understand Tori Spelling’s hair and makeup during her guest appearance.

What was that? It keeps me up at night.

4. Rachel must have been really, really dehydrated.

All those times she kept trying to “cry” on the finale? There were no actual tears. Nothing. Oh, she had the fluttery hand movements and the scrunchy face and the high-pitched honk of a voice. But no wetness. What’s the issue there? We know she can turn on the waterworks, as evidenced by all those episodes where she flooded the entire house with her tears every time Brendan got evicted or somebody wouldn’t tell her she was pretty. She’d be flopping around on a bed, wailing and gushing saline, while poor Jordan is forced to fight for her life in the rising waters by clinging to one of Rachel’s Vegas-style breasts.

5. Kalia is just an angry person.

Everything makes her mad. Everything. And she supposedly writes a sex column back in the real world? How? Don’t you actually have to have sex with people before you can write about it? And I’m thinking she’s always too pissed off to ever have an actual orgasm. Of course, maybe she and Adam could try to hook up, giving them both the opportunity to just lay there and talk all about what they need to do without actually doing it.

6. I’m fairly certain that Lawon is still waiting to be granted a “special power” and sent back into the house.

Notice how he kept looking around the stage for someone that might hand him a sparkly wand. Notice how Julie purposely avoided asking him any unnecessary questions because nobody would understand his answers anyway. (“I’m gonna be all everywhere and BANG and WHAT?! Sure am!”) Notice how once again the BB producers have avoided hiring a gay man that is actually masculine and will kick your ass instead of sew sequins on it.

7. I just realized that I have been spelling Daniele’s name incorrectly all season.

This is probably why she didn’t win, and not the “let’s pull a power move before we even get in the house” strategy that backfired a couple of times and made things a bit unpleasant for her. My bad. But really, Danielle should have two “L’s”, right? No wonder she’s so bitter and unsatisfied. Note to expecting parents: Don’t pick trendy names for your offspring. It can keep them from winning competitions, and might lead to bad decisions about alliances and hair-coloring choices.

8. The producers try to influence the direction of the show.

Staff Meeting Person: “Okay, unless Rachel wins this next competition, we all know she’s going home. So, hey, let’s make the competition an exact replica of the first competition she won, with her using her vindictive thighs to straddle something hanging from the ceiling. No one will notice that it’s geared toward her, right?”

Wrong. We notice. Like we notice every season. But we still keep tuning in because it’s fun to watch idiots in action, mixed in with nearly-nude frolicking, random wetness, and Pandora’s Boxes that effectively change the game play even more than a floater who wakes up on day 60 and decides to actually do something other than wear a bikini.

9. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.

You flipped so many times that I’m surprised the Ringling Brothers haven’t called you about being a featured act on the trapeze. And your final flip gave the big money to Rachel instead of Porsche. (Not that I’m really complaining about Rachel winning, she deserved it despite my complete lack of respect for her worth as a human being.) No, it’s about the flipping, honey. And, well, the inability to own your actions. And the lying. (And what the hell is an “Outdoors Industry Executive”? Did you make that up as well?)

10. I could win this game.

Except for a few stumbling blocks: I generally don’t like people. Most of them are annoying. The concept of not getting to slap folks who deserve it would be challenging. I could not remain in an alliance if all of my cohorts were stupid, especially if we have a crappy name for that alliance. I’m not sure that I could be nice to Julie Chen. There’s just something not right about her, possibly the “sleeping with the boss” angle. Or the way she insists on striking awkward poses for the camera, as if she spent way too much time as a child looking at pictures in Vogue magazine. The German edition.

Oh, and then there’s the major issue: I could not simply swing in the sex-tainted hammock and wonder what people thought about me. I would want to know and avoid too-late revelations. I would be insisting on a nightly meeting where everyone had to spill the tea in front of everyone else, so nobody ends up surprised by developments and crying their eyes out in that purposeless room that just has a big-ass daybed.

And I would be the first person voted out, by a unanimous vote according to the wickedly-grinning Chenbot. And the studio audience wouldn’t even cheer for me as I left the house because it’s the first week and nobody cares….

Sigh.

14 Child-Care Tips I’ve Learned From “Big Brother” This Season

1. Don’t name your children after cars.

This somehow affects their posture, as evidenced by Porsche insisting on her breasts entering the room before she does. (As opposed to Rachel, who just can’t help it.) Honey, if you don’t stop curving your back that way it’s going to stick like that, making it even harder for you to pole dance in that fancy nightclub where you supposedly work.

2. Make sure your child understands the definition of “youth minister”.

Dear Keith. Thou shouldst not claim to be leading innocent youth to the House of the Lord whilst also being an apparent sex maniac. I’d advise you to drop one angle or the other, preferably the latter, but I understand that these are rough economic times and choices are hard. Love, God.

3. Reinforce the concept of “inside voice” with your children.

This apparently did not happen with Adam. At some point in his youth, he simply started yelling at the top of his lungs and has never stopped. This might just be a bid for attention, but one would think that his grooming choices get him all the notice he really needs. Let’s not overdo it, dude.

4. If you want your child to win televised gaming situations, you should probably ensure that your child has had sex before going for the gold.

I’m not saying that Dominic didn’t boldly try out a few strategies, but maybe things would have lasted a bit longer if he hadn’t been constantly in heat around Danielle. Oh, and it didn’t help that he spent so much time in the Diary Room trying to talk street and wave his arms around.

5. Take steps to keep your child from becoming too beautiful.

Poor Cassi. All she wanted to do was remain faithful to her alliance, speak the truth, and be thin and gorgeous. But some of the nasty hags up in that house could only focus on that third part, especially Rachel, and Cassi went bye-bye. (And for you haters that didn’t think Cassi was all that in the looks department, rewind back to the scene where Cassi is sitting at the kitchen counter and letting Rachel know she won’t be bullied, and Cassi does the hair flip thing? Uh huh. That’s what I’m talking about.) Of course, it might have helped if Cassi had spelled her name correctly and not like a brand of Italian wine…

6. Refrain from letting your child get all delusional about fictional TV characters.

Kalia thinks she’s just like Carrie on “Sex and the City”. Really? Let’s see, Carrie would have remained true to her original friends and not jumped ship within three seconds of walking into the house, was generally sweet to people even if she didn’t care for them, and she wouldn’t have faked a shoulder injury just to get sympathy and not have to go on Slop. So, what similarities do you actually have? The fact that you both own a laptop?

7. Explain to your children about energy conservation.

Lawon, must you always be on, with the yelling of catch phrases and the arm choreography and the constant floor show? Even Ethel Merman is raising an eyebrow up in Heaven. (But kudos on the out and proud thing, air kisses all around.) And it would be really swell if you could win something every once in a while. Just a suggestion.

8. Sometimes you just have to let your kids figure out who they really are.

Shelly, I understand that you find great joy in shooting guns and selling firearms to your customers in Louisiana. But must you always walk around like you’ve misplaced a cartridge of bullets up your tushy? It’s okay to be feminine every once in a while, it really is.

9. Speaking of things lodged where they shouldn’t be…

Danielle, your evil daddy went home and is not there to torment you. I mean, high-five for your daring moves lately, but could you possibly unclench for at least a few hours? Let that anger go, along with whatever hair dye you are using that makes things looks so unnaturally gothic and shiny. It’s hard for me to take you seriously when I can see my own reflection in your treated locks…

10. Accept the fact that some of your children may never grow up.

And they will suddenly run off and leave you alone for reasons that you can never understand. Of course, Evil Dick has already won once, so I can see why he got bored and decided to go watch porn in a house that didn’t have so many annoying people.

11. Teach your children to make good choices.

Jordan, you are so pleasant and funny and pretty. It’s so sad that you decided to leave school in the third grade. Was it farm-related?

12. Your child may have limitations.

Hey there, Jeff. Thumbs up to you and Jordan, America loves you. (Did you hear that Rachel? No? Okay, let me twist the knife a little deeper. Feel that?) You two seem to be having a blast together, fumbling through life and farting on national television, yet still winning things like money and popularity contests. But seriously, you really should invest in a dictionary, maybe even open it every once in a while. (But you can keep taking your shirt off, that’s fine, we’re all in agreement on that one.)

13. Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Brendons.

Dude, seriously, what random chain of events led to the person you are today? You might be Mensa material as you keep claiming, I haven’t seen any documentation, but there are some major fault-lines in your psyche. Well, except for your maturity line, which isn’t even long enough to measure yet. I have to say that it’s quite stunning how you can grovel at the feet of Miss Vapid and Bitchy, and then turn around and go all postal on random people in the house. Two words: Permanent Counseling. Okay, five more words: Lose the jacked-up sideburns.

By the way, how long is it going to take you to get that PhD you keep harping about? What’s the hold-up? Are Ray-Fail’s bongos getting in the way of your studies?

14. Some people say you can’t go home again.

But Rachel, you really, really need to do so. Yesterday.

Searching For Signal: #170 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 30

It’s a live show, so we start off with Julie, almost bursting with excitement because the series run is almost over and she can quit working nights. She’s babbling about how, for the first time ever, a secret alliance has made it all the way to the end. (Um, they really didn’t, because Matty got booted some time back. Part of the alliance made it all the way, yes. Jules, don’t think you can lie to me just because your earrings cost more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.)

Then, on cue, the crowd erupts into a frenzy of worship. Because it’s the finale, half of them are waving those suspicious “homemade” signs that look like the same person made them all. These people didn’t bring those things from home. They were handed to them in the line.

Anyway, cue the Announcer guy to do his thing. It takes him a while this time, because he’s reviewing the whole season, but we don’t really see anything new or different. Of course, the producers skew things a bit making it look like The Brigade was a well-oiled machine that rolled over the rest of the house, instead of four guys who bumbled along and managed to survive by luck and circumstance.

Back to Jules, explaining how the evening is going to go. Lane and Hayden are going to play round three of the final HOH. Whoever wins will choose which guy to keep and boot the other. The loser will then scamper out into the studio and join the rest of the jury. Then Julie bellows “But first!”, so you know some filler material is headed our way. Let’s review some recent clips to see how The Brigade is now turning on one of their own. (The live studio audience screams in glee and excitement.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I win this final HOH, and I’m golden.” (But he’ll still have ugly hair where homeless people can live.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want the easiest person to beat sitting next to me in the Final Two.” (Think of that all on your own, did ya?) “Trouble is, I don’t know if that’s Hayden or Enzo.” (Then one of his biceps distracts him and he’s really not sure what he was talking about.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m screwed right now… I’m the mastermind, I’m the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself.” (Mastermind? Dude, you totally went to a different school than me.)

Scene with Lane and Hayden in the kitchen. They’re discussing how “huge” it is that they’ve gotten this far, but it’s hard for me to pay attention because they’re both wearing some t-shirts that they’ve finger-painted with Brigade slogans. It looks like some pre-schoolers broke into the art room when they were supposed to be napping.

Hayden and his hair in the Diary Room: He wants Lane to think that if Lane takes him to the Final Two, Lane will win. So he’s decided to downplay his accomplishments in the house so Lane will feel more confident than he should. This shouldn’t be too hard, since Lane will not be getting a Mensa invitation in the mail any time soon.

Shots of Enzo at night, by himself, still babbling about how unfair it would be for him to not win. In the Diary Room: “I made the Brigade. I put all the work into it. I’m not going to lay down and die.” (This guy seriously has an altered perception of reality. Must be nice to live there.)

Hayden and Enzo on the patio. Enzo is still whining about having no power, Hayden is trying to appear supportive. “You still have a chance. Best social game ever in the history of Big Brother.” (Um, no. Sorry.) Enzo whines some more. “I only won one POV. They’re gonna chew me up.” (Well, it’s a little late to be worrying about that now, Slacker Boy. Maybe if you had taken your hands out of your pants, you might have won a few more things.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Maybe I should take Enzo.” He didn’t do squat. (Hayden, neither did you, until it got down to the end, and there was nobody in the house. Of course you’re going to win some things at that point. Enzo was too lazy, Lane was too simple, and Britney was too busy ensuring her makeup looked good on TV.)

Lane and Enzo in the kitchen. Guess what? Enzo’s still whining. Lane doesn’t think he can beat either one of them. Enzo keeps telling Lane that he can’t win against Hayden. Interspersed with this, we keep getting shots of Hayden really enjoying washing himself in the shower. No explanation is given as to the need for this.

Jules again: Up next, Britney tells the rest of the jury about The Brigade. Yay!

Commercials. If your vehicle doesn’t have Bluetooth, your life sucks, got it?

Julie talks to the Final Three in the couch room. She asks all of them pretty boring questions, so I just sit there and wait for the mess to be over with.

Cut to Britney arriving at the Jury House. She waltzes in wearing an “Alternate Brigade” t-shirt, and immediately spills all. Of course, no one takes very kindly to this news, except for Matt. Then even he blows a gasket when Britney reveals that Enzo is taking credit as the mastermind. (For the record, Ragan doesn’t cry, but he gets close.)

A bit later, the jury members all doll up and head out onto a patio to discuss the Final Three. It starts out with Rachel and Brendon thinking the Brigade got by on luck, since the rest of the house was busy fighting each other and not paying attention. (Completely on board with that.) But the others disagree. Then they start analyzing the individual three, and it’s clear that both Hayden and Enzo have some admirers.

Rachel: “I think strategically Lane played the best game.” And off we go, some people agreeing and some people completely disagreeing. Bottom line, by the end of the semi-staged discussion, it’s not clear if there’s a real favorite. Which is exactly how the BB producers want it, natch.

Time for the final round of the HOH with Hayden and Lane.

As is tradition, this round is a series of statements made by jury members, with Julie giving two possible endings to the statement. You get a point if you get it right, and the most points wins.

They both answer the first question correctly. Same with the second. And the third. And fourth. They both miss the fifth. And they miss the sixth. Tie breaker question, answer will be a number. Closest without going over wins. And Hayden gets it.

Julie: “Hayden, we’ll be back for your decision in a few minutes.”

Commercials. One of them is the E-Trade talking babies. There’s just something not right about that mess. Creepy.

Time for Hayden’s answer and the save-me speeches.

Enzo: Whatever you gotta do.

Lane: No hard feelings.

Julie: Hayden?

Hayden: Votes to evict Enzo.

Exit interview.

Julie tries to ask questions, but Enzo cannot stop talking about how great he is. Apparently life on this planet was not important or meaningful until he was born.

Julie brings out the first six members of the jury. They still don’t know about Enzo, so Julie quizzes them to build the suspense, then they finally drag Enzo out to complete the jury. They will now ask their prepared questions.

And none of the questions really change anything. Generic questions, generic answers. If there’s any distinction made, it’s that Lane is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but we, and he, already knew that.

Time to vote.

Final “save-me” speeches of the summer.

Hayden: The bottom line is when it comes down to competitions, I won more. (He pushes it a little too far, and might possibly be alienating a few people.)

Lane: He stays more with the social aspect of the game and how he played that. Winning shouldn’t be all about just the competitions. (A bit of advice, Lane: When you run out of things to say, don’t just make stuff up. Smile and sit down.)

Each member of the jury gets to vote and say some final words. Then the votes are locked in.

Jules: Up next! Annie, Monet, Andrew and Kristen are the only ones who have watched everything up to this point. We’ll bring them back and let them spill! Hurray!

Let me sum it up for you: Monet doesn’t regret calling Rachel a skanky Ho, Kristen is perfectly willing to have Hayden’s baby, Andrew is still a total geek, and we didn’t get to know Annie enough to really care. All caught up? Great.

We still have plenty of time left, so Julie kills some minutes by showing funny scenes and discussing sho-mances. It’s fine and all, but come on, folks, let’s crown the winner, okay?

Ragan is revealed as the second Saboteur, much to everyone’s surprise.

Finally, the Results:

Rachel, Brendon and Britney vote for Lane.

Kathy, Matt and Ragan vote for Hayden.

Which means Enzo casts the deciding vote, and he goes with Hayden.

Celebration ensues.

We close the show with Julie revealing America’s player:

Britney gets the $25K.

And we’re done. 30 Reviews in 10 weeks. I need a nap.

Hope you enjoyed it…

Searching For Signal: #168 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 28

We’re live, with Julie and the caterwauling audience. While they destroy the soundstage with the sheer vibration of their over-caffeinated yodeling, Julie babbles: “Enzo! Hayden! Lane! They have orchestrated every eviction this summer!” (Um, no they didn’t. But yelling at the TV screen apparently does not make Julie retract her statement.)

Then it’s the Announcer Guy, reviewing the last few episodes, and the way they frame it you would think Hayden is single-handedly saving the planet. Oh, and “The Beast, The Animal and Meow-Meow are battling it out in the jungle right now.” (Um, no, they’re sitting on swings in the relatively tame courtyard. This is not a battle in the jungle. This is a crappy ride at a sucky amusement park.) “And emotions explode in the Jury House!”

Julie: Let’s go back to the Big Brother Rainforest for the exciting conclusion of Part One in the HOH Competition! The audience screams themselves into a frenzy at this apparently life-changing opportunity.

The camera cuts to the courtyard. Enzo, Hayden and Lane. Sitting on swings and slamming into a padded wall. Over and over. Totally boring.

So we go to the Diary Room for some confessions.

Hayden: “The Brigade is dead! It’s every man for himself.” (Then he just kind of sits there, waiting for an actual man to show up, because we haven’t seen a lot of them this season.)

Enzo: “I gotta win. They aren’t gonna take me to the Final Two. I’m popular in the Jury House.” (Maybe for now. Wait until Britney shows up over there with a mouthful of choice words.)

Lane: “It shoulda been me and Britney in the Final Two.” (Well, Lane, you only have yourself to blame for that. If you’d acted sooner, Enzo and/or Hayden would be sitting in the Jury House right now, trying to avoid lacerations from Rachel’s hair extensions or Kathy’s eyelashes when she blinks.)

The we have more shots of the swings and the wall-banging in the “rainforest”. Enzo is hollering the whole time like an idiot.

Lane in the Diary Room, discussing what it feels like hitting the padded wall: “It’s like being in a Texas bar fight, when you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” (One, I clearly don’t understand what happens in Texas bar fights, and two, does Lane even understand what a testicle is?)

Then Enzo falls off his little swing. A mere 19 minutes into the competition. Puh-leeze.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo has zero intestinal fortitude.” (Again with people using phrases that I don’t think they actually comprehend.)

More shots of the remaining two swinging and banging.

Lane: “Where’s Enzo?”

The camera shows him inside the house, making soup and pizza. Really? This is a clear violation of Big Brother tradition, where even though you may get eliminated in a competition, you remain in the courtyard and pretend to cheer the other players on, even if you are bored out of your skull and/or hate the people still playing.

Then Enzo actually brings his piping-hot pizza out to the patio, and noshes away in full view of the starving and cold guys on the swings, another violation. He truly just doesn’t get it. (Lane is furious in the Diary Room.) To top it off, Enzo is still obnoxiously whooping and hollering, in between rounds of wiping grease off his chin.

Lane falls at 2 hours and 35 minutes. Hayden wins the first round.

Back to Jules. “Lane and Enzo will face off in round two a little later. But coming up, the Jury House explodes!”

Okay, with all this promo, there better be something damn good happening in that Jury House, or I’m going to cut somebody.

Commercials. Did you know that you can get meat wrapped in meat, with a meat sauce, on a meat-flavored bun, at your nearest fast-food restaurant? Hurry! Your arteries aren’t going to clog themselves!

Julie: “Let’s go talk to the Final Three in the Couch Room!” Julie: “Enzo, how’d you make it this far in the game?” Enzo: “No idea.” Julie: “Lane, how hard was it to keep your alliance secret?” Lane: “Very.” Julie: “Hayden, now that Britney’s on the jury, are you concerned about the reaction?” Hayden: “They’re gonna hate us!” Then all three of them laugh.

Thanks, Julie. Very insightful. Learned a lot.

Julie explains some protocol for the rest of the season: The winners of Round 1 and Round 2 in the HOH Competition will compete in Round 3 LIVE on Finale Night. The winner will then pick his Final Two buddy, and they will go face the jury, who will question them and then vote. Got it?

Time for some filler material, since there are only three people left and none of them are all that interesting. Julie: “Enzo never won HOH, but back home he rules the house.” Cut to Bayonne, New Jersey, where we meet Enzo’s family. Surprise! They’re Italian! His wife obviously loves him, so that’s good. His entire family, watching on TV when Enzo slams into Ragan and sends him flying through the air, cheers like the Red Sea just parted, so that’s not so good. In the end, it’s very clear that his family was watching a different series than we were, overly praising Enzo for things he didn’t do.

Cut to the Jury House.

Kathy lets us know that she still hasn’t forgiven Matt for the lies about his wife, and is, in fact, even more upset with him. More than fair.

Ragan saunters in. Fake hugs abound, especially the one between Ragan and Rachel. (And what the hell is Matt wearing? Is he twelve?) Sidebar with Rachel: She’s all aglow with the possibility that Ragan will push her buttons and there will be a fight. She’s such a nice person, that Rachel girl.

Matt to Ragan: “Let’s step outside and talk.” (Kathy to Ragan: “Take a drink, you’ll need it.”) Once on the patio, Matt fesses about his wife. Ragan does not take it well. (In his own sidebar: “I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football out.”)

The rest of the jury house joins them on the patio. Brendon and Kathy are supportive of Ragan, making it clear that they are not impressed with Matt. But Rachel doesn’t care because, well, let’s face it, she’s a bitch. So when Ragan does his own confession, admitting to having a PHD in Communications, Rachel jumps. “Do I have a bad social game?”

Ragan: “Yes, you wear your heart on your sleeve.”

And immediately the fur flies. As we’ve seen before, Ragan is very calm but very straightforward, telling it exactly like it is. While Rachel screams and flips her hair as her inability to remain civil rears its ugly head. (And it’s the same thing they fought about in the house. Rachel causes a LOT of problems because there’s something off kilter with her and human relations. He’s right, she won’t listen.) Ragan: “We don’t share a common reality.”

Rachel finally bellows “Grab your tiara and be a [dramatic expletive] queen!” Then she and her hair turn and stomp into the house.

Okay, from a confrontation aspect, I’ll give it a 3, maybe 4. But we’ve seen much more exciting things. Once again, the BB producers have oversold not much about nothing.

Time for Part 2 of the HOH Competition.

This one’s called “It’s Alive!”, and we’ve seen this before. Behind five curtains are five photos of two house guests morphed into one. Playing separately, Lane and Enzo will have two minutes to figure out the combinations. Whoever makes the most matches wins. If they get the same number of matches, then whoever buzzed in with the shortest playing time will win. And off we go.

Lane is first. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 13 seconds.

Enzo is next. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 43 seconds.

Lane is clearly the winner, but Julie throws a curve into things, because the BB producers apparently think we are just as stupid as the house guests that they intentionally pick for their stupidity.

Jules: “We have a tie! We will determine the winner when we return!”

Uh, I can tell time. Lane won. What’s the deal?

Commercials. Need a quick “payday” loan? Head on over to Tully’s House of Fast Money and we’ll fix you up. Tully is missing most of his teeth. Don’t worry about that.

And we’re back. Julie takes us to the Couch Room, where Enzo and Lane are sweating in the nomination chairs. (Why? They aren’t nominated for anything.) Hayden is off to the side, totally chilled, because he thinks he’s got this thing wrapped up.

Julie: It was a tie! (Enzo perks up. Lane is wondering if this is a formal occasion.) So we have to go to the clock. Who finished up more quickly? (We KNOW, Julie. God.) Enzo, you finished in blah blah time. Lane, it only took you blah time. Congrats!

Julie to Lane: How are you feeling right now? Lane: “I feel sweaty and numb and I can’t walk.”

Julie to Enzo: “How does it feel” to have sucked once again? Enzo: Well, I was born a poor black child on the outskirts of-

Julie: Whatev. See you guys next Wednesday!

Roll end credits.

P.S. Apparently Sunday’s show is just going to be a recap of the finer moments in the show thus far. The fact that they have managed to cobble together a full hour of things that might be considered “finer” makes a compelling statement that I should actually tune in, but we’ll see. I usually skip this one. We might not chat again until next Wednesday…

Searching For Signal: #167 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 27

Editor’s Note: I missed the very beginning of this episode, since there were just a few tiny little things going on, like tornado sirens blaring and the pretty newscasters informing me that a tornado had just touched down just a few miles away and I better run like hell. But that all settled down, no personal damage other than frayed nerves, and the local station finally tuned us in to the Big Brother broadcast.

We’re dropped right into the action, with Hayden, Lane and Enzo sitting on the patio. Apparently there has been some type of heated discussion, because they’re all glaring at one another. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I hope Lane stays loyal.” Enzo takes his hands out of his pants long enough to go to the Diary Room as well: “I’ve had my suspicions about Lane. I’m in the worst position.”) Who knows what happened. I would like to think Lane was trying to do the right thing by Britney, but I’m not sure he even knows what that is.

Britney and Hayden in the HOH Room, flopped on the bed because these people are apparently anemic and can’t be bothered with standing upright. Britney: “I’m nervous.” Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna take me to the Final Two.” Britney: You do realize that if Enzo goes to the end, he “will win unanimously.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Hey, I’m playing ALL the angles at this point.) Britney: “I have too many enemies in the Jury House. I’m not gonna win in the Final Two.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “She has some very good points.” Yes, she does. Are you listening?) Then some nurse comes in and gives them B12 shots in the butt in the hopes that they will finally get out of bed and change their underwear.

Back to Julie with that beyond-irritating live studio audience. She’s in one of her over-exuberant moods again. “This will be the most important Veto Competition of the summer! Who will have the sole power to evict?” Then about 14 people in the audience have simultaneous orgasms as they think about the options.

Commercials. Well, there should be commercials at this point. Because of the local weather conditions in Dallas caused by the dying but still kicking Tropical Depression Hermine, which has resulted in massive flooding and/or houses floating away down raging rivers that were just dried-up streams two days ago, we have blow-dried newscasters making us feel bad that we haven’t lost everything like the shell-shocked people on screen. Good times.

Time for the Veto Competition.

Each player has a station, with a giant wall, where there are 8 clues running along the top and 8 clues running along the bottom. They have to take these fake movie poster things, showing two evicted houseguests apiece, and match them up correctly. Trouble is, the posters are double-sided, so either view could actually be the right one. First to match all 8 correctly and hit the little bell thing wins POV.

We have Enzo in the Diary Room, saying something, but for the first time I actually pay attention to the subtitle blurb that mentions he’s an “insurance adjuster”. Really? In Jersey? With that attitude? Something tells me there’s a lot of angry claimants in that state who have unkind thoughts about Mr. Meow Meow.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Britney’s good at trivia.” Enzo and Lane, not so much. “So I’m gonna have to be the won who wins this.” Then he turns and waves to the crowd of paparazzi that isn’t really there.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want Britney to win, so she can take herself off the block, Enzo goes up, and there’s no blood on my hands.” Then he turns and waves at the crowd of Longhorns that isn’t really there.

And the competition starts.

Lane in the Diary Room: Basically, “I’m really stupid.” Thanks for the insight, Lane. Figure that out all by yourself, did you?

Other people pile into the Diary Room, describing the strategy that they used during the running about. It’s not very interesting. You figure out the clues and you put the photos in the right order. Get it done.

Shots of everybody in the courtyard, sweating and thinking. (Every time we see Lane, they play corny hillbilly music.) Enzo is actually the first to hit his bell, but he’s got 5 incorrect out of 8. He grunts and gets back to work. Britney seems to be doing well, but she hasn’t hit her buzzer yet, so we don’t know how close she is. Lane? Well, he’s Lane.

All the sudden Hayden hits the bell and he has all 8 right. He wins POV, totally catching everyone off guard. Britney is especially stunned, gazing at him in amazement as she pulls her short-shorts out of her crack.

More scenes in the Diary Room.

Hayden: He’s celebrating his victory and kissing the POV medal, his biceps and his hair. He turns and waves to the crowd of horny supermodels that isn’t really there.

Britney: “I feel pretty good. Enzo could still go up.” She turns and waves to the crowd of Razorback fans that don’t actually have TV’s and therefore don’t know that she exists.

Lane, sighing: “Now I have to reverse back to The Brigade, and make them believe that I’ve always been on their side.” Then he pauses to wonder what “reverse back” really means.

Julie again: “Will The Brigade feel good enough to reveal one of the biggest secrets of the summer?” Then she turns and waves to the producers who cut her a check every week.

Commercials. Blech.

More Julie: “All secrets eventually come out!” We got it, Julie. Somebody in The Brigade is going to blab. Your hints have been so subtle, I never would have figured that out on my own.

Hayden, Lane and Enzo, sitting around. Hayden: “I was SO lucky”, winning that thing. Enzo: Are you kidding? You Da Bomb! (Yes, that sound you hear is full-strength ass-kissing.) Hayden: “When should we tell Britney about The Brigade?” (Oh?) Enzo: “Now.” Hayden: I want her to know that’s why I’m not going to use the Veto. (Lane in the Diary Room: Hoo boy. I’ve gotta be careful here.) Lane: “Tell her tonight if you want.” He gulps.

This should be fun.

Then we see Britney wandering up to the HOH Room, where Enzo and Lane are sitting about. Enzo to Lane: “What are you gonna do tonight?” Lane: “Drink beer.” Enzo tries again with another leading question, clearly trying to steer the conversation into a direction where they can tell Britney what’s up. But Lane is a few cow-pies short of a bushel, and doesn’t really get it. Or doesn’t want to get it.

Enzo gives up with the Lane angle, and turns to Britney: “You think there was an alliance in this house?” Britney: Sure. “Rachel and Brendon.” Then Enzo gets, to me anyway, rather cruel, having too much fun teasing Britney about not knowing about The Brigade. Really not caring for him right now. Not that I ever did, just sayin.

Then Enzo finally fully fesses up about The Brigade. Lane confirms: “From Day Two.” Enzo then gets very cocky, which is no surprise, but this is NOT the time to be that way. This is why Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Enzo is from some self-important galaxy that doesn’t even have a real name, just a number. Enzo on The Brigade: “I think it’s greatness.”

Britney lays on the HOH bed, absently picking at her fingernails as she tries to act nonchalant, but you know she’s devastated.

Hayden comes up to the room.

Enzo: “I told.”

Hayden: “Without me?” He turns to Britney: “I’m sorry, Britney. But I’m glad you won the 10 G’s.” Translation: You’re done.

Britney: “So I’m definitely going home?”

Hayden: “I’m not gonna use the Veto.”

Enzo: “That’s it. Know what I mean?” Classy guy, right?

Hayden: “The last thing I wanna do is make you cry.”

Britney jumps off the bed and starts to leave: “How do you think this feels, knowing you have no shot?” The others try to console her, but it’s too late. She storms out the door.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’ve been completely played! Lane’s been lying to me! I don’t wanna talk to them. It makes me sick to think of voting for any of them.” Then she makes a hog-calling noise, and there’s the sound of cloven feet racing up to do her bidding in the middle of the night, seeking porcine retribution.

Lane starts to leave the HOH Room, to see how Britney’s doing, but Enzo tries to stop him: “Stay here. We need to talk.” (My fingers are crossed that this little snippet is shown to the jury members, so they can see what Enzo’s all about, but it probably won’t happen.) Lane leaves anyway.

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s like one of my good dogs died.” Really, Lane? Britney is one of your good dogs? And Brendon was the Neander-tall?

Lane finds Britney in one of the bedrooms. “Want to talk?” Britney: “It’s not a good time. I’m going to bed.” Lane: “I wasn’t playing you. I never played you. I do have a lot of feelings for you.” Britney, sniffling and snuggling up to her pillow: Whatev. Good night.

Cut to Julie, acting all somber and dramatic after all that mess: “We’ll be back with the Veto Ceremony and the Eviction.” Then she turns and waves at her stylist.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Hayden to the Nominees: “I hope to be friends with both of you. But I’m not using the Veto.”

Julie: Time for the Save Me speeches for the sole voter, Enzo.

Lane: He totally sucks up to Enzo. “Without you, this house would be dull and boring.” Which is a slam to everybody else, but I doubt that Lane thinks more than one sentence ahead in his life.

Britney: “I love you all. We’re friends forever.” She turns to Lane: “You’re my best friend! I’ll miss you forever!” Then she goes on with what turns out to be a very eloquent speech, no hard feelings, I hope the best for everybody. The only dent in this oratory is her bit about “It’s an honor to be kicked out by The Brigade.” No, it’s a symbol of you not paying attention, especially since other now-booted house guests tried to warn you. Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh.

Julie: Enzo, stand and evict somebody.

Enzo: “I’m going to make this short.” Then he proceeds to do the exact opposite, rambling for hours about meaningless crap. In the end, he fingers Britney. She graciously hugs everybody and departs, her designer heels clattering up the three short steps to freedom.

Exit Interview.

Jules: Lots of love and forgiveness at the end. What gives?

Brit: “I truly love them. They are my friends.”

Jules: Why didn’t you believe Ragan?

Brit: I thought I was working with The Brigade.

Jules: Forgive Lane?

Brit: “I really believe he wanted me in the Final Two.” But things happened.

Goodbye videos.

Hayden: “I feel like I betrayed you.” (You did.)

Enzo: “This was very hard.” (Didn’t seem like it.)

Lane: “I’m gonna miss everything about you. I wanted to take you to Final Two, but then Hayden won HOH.”

Britney cries throughout this bit, shedding enough tears to be realistic but not enough to cause mascara complications. Then Julie shoves her off the stage. “The final HOH Competition is coming up!”

Commercials. (Well, in our local weather case, more news reporters talking to rain-soaked citizens “See that there lake right there? That was just a puddle yesterday. Sure was.” Then a cow floats by. They turn and wave.)

Back to Jules, talking to the three remaining boys in the courtyard. As is usual, the final HOH Competition is a three-parter. The winners of the first two parts compete in the final round for HOH. This first part involves the boys riding on little swings that whip from side to side in the yard, slamming the riders into padded walls. Enzo is greatly impressed with this, screaming stupid Meow-Meow phrases of eventual triumph, so I’m guessing he knows all about S&M.

Julie, startled by Enzo’s apparent thrill at being hurled against a wall: “Oh my.”

Commercials again. Did you know that fake butter can change your life?

Jules again: Tomorrow is the conclusion of Part 1. We’ll also see Part 2, live. Then next Wednesday is the two-hour finale! She beams like this is a gift from Heaven.

What, no Sunday show? Then again, Julie’s only here for one hour a week, so she may not be totally clued in. We’ll see.

Back to the live competition. Jules: “Time for a grenade!” A waterfall starts pouring down in the middle of the yard, so the swinging boys have to splash through it as they swing from side to side.

And the three fool boys scream like it’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.

God.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #166 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 26

The Announcer Guy does his standard review of the last few episodes. More shots of Ragan running about the house, trying to save himself. Lane in the Diary Room, constantly repeating that he wants to take Britney to the end, but not actually doing anything to make that happen. Glimpses into lots of empty rooms to show that this place is basically a ghost town, with faded memories of hair extensions and mascara. Oh, and the HOH Competition is still going on.

Series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden, about the HOH Comp: “A lot of glass is gonna break!” (Yep, especially with Britney apparently misunderstanding the directions, and hurling her ornaments across the lawn with wild abandon.)

Enzo: “This is the biggest HOH of the season!” (Perhaps. But you’re still not going to win, right? Because no one would know what to do with themselves if you did.)

Lane, about being unable to compete since he’s outgoing HOH: He’s very frustrated that the other three are so stupid at this game. (Kettle, black?)

Britney, whining: “I’m the outsider! It sucks!” (Uh huh. And where was your sympathy when all those before you fell under the crushing weight of being the outsider? It’s a whole different world when your ability to accessorize is no longer important.)

And we head back to the HOH Competition, where the BB producers have snuck in and built a barrier around Britney, because the flying glass shards from her four billion smashed ornaments could turn this into a “True Blood” episode at any second. After a bit, it gets boring watching fingers poke through chicken wire, so we head back to the Diary Room.

Enzo: I took my time because I wanted to be very accurate. (So that’s what you’re doing now? Reclassifying your suckiness as “accuracy” so that it sounds better?)

Hayden: “In baseball, they teach us about soft hands.” (What the HELL does that mean? That Ragan would be the best at this challenge? That there was hanky panky in the high school locker room disguised as athletic advice?)

Lane, about Britney: “I don’t know what happened in your childhood. Do you hate Christmas?”

Enzo, about the sounds coming from Britney’s booth: “I thought I was in Newark. Glass shattering everywhere.” (Then his eyes get a little misty, as he fondly remembers the good times on a Newark Saturday night.)

Suddenly, we see that Britney is starting to figure things out and catch up, passing Enzo. (Okay, passing Enzo is no big, but still.) There’s actually some excitement building, as Britney’s suddenly nimble fingers start zipping along, racing to catch Hayden. On the sidelines, Lane’s jaw drops open. (Of course, this happens with Lane over many things, like the wind blowing or indoor plumbing.)

But her last-minute efforts are not enough, and Hayden wins HOH.

Britney in the Diary Room: “It’s the first time I’ve felt like no one will help me!” Then her eyes well with glistening tears, but she refuses to allow them to fall, because a wet face in the fashion world is SO not cool.

Enzo, Hayden and Lane, sitting around. Enzo: “We’ve won four competitions in a row!” (No, Enzo, you only won one. Everybody else has won, like, 700 times. You, ONE.) Then Enzo is in the Diary Room, going off about The Brigade being the greatest alliance ever. (What did they feed him as a child? We need to find out, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.)

Shots of Britney in bed, flopping around and looking devastated. Then she’s back in the Diary Room, overwhelmed with her helplessness, and finally the tears start gushing, who cares if it makes rivulets in her multi-layered foundation.

Time to see Hayden’s HOH Room, but instead of the former thundering herd running up the spiral staircase, the tiny quartet is gingerly tiptoeing along, like they’re in a museum. Once in the room, we have the normal fake oohing and ahhing, except for Lane, who is greatly disturbed by something he spies among Hayden’s goodies. (In the Diary Room: “He had girly foo-foo shampoo in his basket!” That is WRONG!)

Scene with Lane jacking around with outdoor grill, trying to get it to start. Britney tries to tell him to quit banging on that igniter, because we could die. (Britney in the Diary Room: “All I want is a simple hot dog, not my flesh to melt.”) Hayden runs to join Lane while Britney quivers at the back door. Suddenly, the thing catches and there’s a small nuclear explosion, luckily contained within the closed lid of the grill. Lane: “That was awesome!”

And this boy child is allowed to drive on our nation’s highways. Feel safe?

After this near-death experience, they traipse back in the house and find that the kitchen table has been replaced with a dinky little thing that barely holds four. They marvel at this, and then, as apparently directed to do so because it seems so staged, they sit down and reflect back on their time in the house. We learn nothing of any interest. Next.

Hayden and Lane, somewhere, reflecting on the final strategies. Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna want me at the end.” Lane begs to differ, and they end up basically promising never-ending devotion no matter what, even though neither one of them really means it. (Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ll say whatever Hayden wants to hear.” Now, how do I get out of this room again?)

Enzo and Hayden, somewhere, discussing performance abilities. Enzo is whining that he never wins anything. Hayden begs to differ, saying “I’ll let you win if you take me to the Final Two.” (At Hayden’s words, the BB producers insert one of those dramatic noises on the soundtrack, so I don’t know if they know something we don’t, or if they’re just messing with us.)

Hayden, Lane and Britney are sitting at the kitchen table, bored. They suddenly spy a giant pig out in the courtyard, and race in that direction to see what’s up, because any activity is better than having to look at each other for one more second. It’s a piggy bank, and it’s time for a Luxury Competition. Each player gets a coin, they take turns hiding their coin in the house, and then everybody searches for the other coins. Your coin gets found, you’re out. Last coin standing wins $10K.

So then we watch the “hiding of the coins” ceremony. The locations of the coins are not important. What is much more interesting is when they all race back in the house to do the search and seizure. These people tear that place UP, knocking over and breaking things, shoes and bras flying through the air.

Enzo finds Hayden’s coin. (Hayden and his air go back outside to pout.)

Britney finds Enzo’s coin. (In the Diary Room, Enzo whines and then bites his knuckle. What was that maneuver? It didn’t look like something a straight guy would do, in case that’s what he’s thinking.)

Britney keeps fiddling with the recycling bin where Lane has stashed his coin. Seriously, she goes through that thing at least 46 times without success, while Lane stands nearby and keeps weakly saying “we’ve already checked that”. Suddenly, she hits pay dirt and celebrates just a little too much over winning the money. (Britney, say this word with me: “Target”. Quit bouncing and calmly go sit down somewhere.)

Now the producers show us some filler scenes, because there’s only so much strategy four people can talk about but they’ve got to round out the hour episode. First we have Britney in the Diary Room, still bored: “Everyone just sleeps all day.” To liven things up, she goes out to the courtyard and starts beating on Hayden with a pillow. (I fully understand the motivation. That hair must die!) This turns into an extended pillow fight, with Enzo getting sucked into the action, and people are running and screaming.

Then we have Britney and Lane in the HOH Room. She’s whining about her beau back home. “I don’t wanna be broken up with!” Lane, who lets us know in the Diary Room that he’s hated Spencer or whatever his name is since he first found out about this love obstruction, tries to trash her intended. “You like girly guys.”

Britney: “I want guys who praise me” and bring me flowers. Lane: “I’m not the mushy kind of guy.” (In the Diary Room, Lane fleshes this out: “Real men will give protection, not flowers.” A date means “going to the bar for a beer and a steak.”)

Nice catch, eh? Something tells me that Lane will unable to keep any woman in his cave for very long.

Hayden and Enzo in the HOH Room. Hayden: “We gotta get Britney out.” Enzo: What about Lane? He’s guaranteed at least the $50K.” Hayden: “Maybe we should get rid of Lane.” Then they run vague strategies, but it’s hard to pay attention because they keep shoving something chewy in their mouths the entire time.

Time for Hayden to make his “Duties as HOH” voiceover speech while he stares at the sparsely-populated House Guest Wall. We see Britney, Lane and Enzo in the Diary Room, but they don’t say anything interesting or new, so we go right to the Nomination Ceremony.

Hayden trots out with the key wheel, which is now bigger than the miniscule kitchen table. Of course, at this point, there’s only the single key, which Hayden promptly pulls out. It’s Enzo’s.

Britney and Lane are on the block. No real surprise.

Hayden’s explanation speech is very short: “Nothing against you. Strategy. Thanks for stopping by.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m gonna win POV! (Do you think Spencer still loves me?)

Lane in the Diary Room: “My best shot is still Britney. I’ve got to win the Veto, save Britney, and send Enzo home.” (Do you think Britney still loves me?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I don’t win Veto, I’m probably going home.” (I love myself, and that’s all that really matters.)

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #165 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 25

Editor’s Note: As mentioned with the previous “Big Brother” post, there have been some DVR issues at the house. The following review is actually for last Thursday night’s episode, so there’s obviously been a delay. Luckily, the recording of tonight’s episode was successful, so I should be back on track by morning. Bear with me…

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. We have Hayden in the Diary Room babbling that “Public Enemy Number One is now Ragan!” (Seriously, public enemy? You need to branch out with your movie-watching, Hayden.) Another shot of Lane doing that weird thing with his tongue when he carried out the giant nomination wheel. (Who the hell was he looking at when he did it? THAT’S the burning question.) And yet another glimpse of Ragan throwing the CD that bounced off both the singing clam and Enzo’s head. (Still love that.)

The Announcer Guy has a teaser: “We finally get to see the jury house!” (About time.) “And the jury house explodes when Matt reveals his lie!” (Yay! Been waiting for that!)

Cut to Julie with the live studio audience. Shockingly, we see that someone has stolen parts of her dress, right at the shoulders. Poor thing. Anyway, she’s in one of her manic moods, frothing with delight at her revelations. “Will the Brigade lose their second member? Will the Brigade continue to fracture?”

Then we have another showing of Lane replacing Veto-winner Enzo with Hayden, which leads to Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “That’s not cool, dude.” (Then a bald eagle flies out of his hair and three cameramen are killed.)

Britney: All my subtle breast-flopping with Lane paid off!

Lane: “I couldn’t risk sending Britney home. I want her in the Final Two.” (Then he hears Britney reaching for something on an upper shelf in the kitchen, and he races out of the Diary Room.)

Enzo: “The plan is for Ragan to go, so that’s who is going home.” (Then he does his weird trademark thing of look off to the left, even though we know nobody is standing there.)

Ragan: “I’m not gonna roll over and cry!” (Oh, I’m sorry, he said “die”, not cry. My bad.)

Hayden, Enzo and Lane sitting around. Hayden: “One of us is going to get the money!” Their eyes collectively sparkle with greed and subliminal all-male celebration. Lane in the Diary Room: I still want Britney beside me at the end. “Britney has more enemies in the Jury House than any Brigade member.” (Not really sure about that. Especially, since Matty is now over there, most likely spilling tea.)

Ragan goes to Britney. “Can we have a conversation?” (Ragan in the Diary Room: There are only two votes this time. I’m trying to get hers.) Ragan to Britney: How do you get to the end? What’s the best path. Then he spells it out, that Britney can’t win with the other guys beside her, she only has a chance if it’s Ragan. (Britney in the Diary Room: Ragan has some good points. Judging by what we’re seeing in Britney’s skimpy bathing suit top, so does she.) Britney to Ragan: I’d advise you to go talk to Lane. Now.

Ragan and Lane. Ragan: “Are you here to give away $500K? If you’re up against either of those boys, you lose. The jury always asks what your big move was. This is the week where you can answer that. It’s the move that nobody expects.”

Ragan is very persuasive, especially because he’s being completely honest. Trouble is, he’s talking to Lane, who was not blessed with the ability to think clearly or tie his own shoes. (Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s time for some tough decisions.” Translation: I have to think, and I didn’t go to that school.)

Back to Julie, with the caterwauling live studio audience. We’re about to get our first look at the Jury House! Matt reveals his lie! How will they react! (Um, I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)

Boring commercials.

Jules talks to the House Guests. How’d you like those three punishments? (Ragan thought they were pretty swell, especially the dancing, because he feels good when he dances. So he’s going to tap-dance his way out of the house?) Julie to Enzo: The penguin suit. Discuss. Enzo: “I did give the penguin some swagger.” (If, by that, you mean groping yourself at every opportunity, yes, you did.) Julie to Britney: Worst thing about living with just men? Britney: They dirty and nasty! (Brit, have you never met a straight man before? I mean, I know you’re engaged and everything, but you might want to check his references.)

Julie: It’s time to go to the Jury House!

So we first see shots of Rachel, relaxing and enjoying her quiet time, floating in the fancy pool without need of a raft, because she’s got Jupiter and Saturn keeping her afloat. Then Kathy shows up, and the two drag queens hug. (They show us shots of Rachel and Kathy bonding, which mainly consist of Kathy looking terrified that Rachel’s loud braying might kill her.)

Then Matt walks in, and everybody has to pretend that they are excited about this. They watch the DVD that Matt has brought, showing the latest exploits in the house. They continued to pretend that they are excited about this. Finally, Brendon walks in, and Rachel is clearly disappointed, instead of rushing into his loving arms. “I wanted you to win! You should still be there!” Rachel gets around to remembering that she’s supposed to support her partner, and allows Brendon to hug her. He does so with a beatific expression indicating that he has just wrapped his arms around the Madonna. Poor guy.

Cut to Julie in the studio. “Matt’s about to reveal his secret!” (Okay, shut up, girl. Just play the video.)

Back to the Jury House. Matt: “I have another surprise.” My sickly wife? She’s not really. Hee hee. Brendon: “You are going to hell.” Kathy, livid: “There ARE sick people out there. And I’m one of them.” (Which sounds a little odd, but remember, Kathy has been fighting cancer for years.) She stomps off. Rachel: “You are the most horrible person I’ve ever met.”

Didn’t go so well, did it, Matt?

Matt follows Kathy and tries to console her. She wants nothing to do with him. “Have you ever lost someone?” When Matt tries to save himself by saying that he was planning on donating some of his prize money to the disease (that basically doesn’t exist) Kathy, Rachel and Brendon lose it again. Me thinks that Matty is going to be spending a lot of time in his room.

Once again back to Julie in the studio, where she is talking to Lane in the HOH Room.

Julie: “Are you worried about fallout from The Brigade?” Lane: “I trust them 100%. But I couldn’t take the chance that they would send Britney home.” (Which means that you DON’T trust them, Lane. Do you have access to a dictionary?) Julie: “Are you trying to appear less smart than you really are?” Lane: His incoherent babbling thusly proves that, no, there’s no strategy with this. He’s just stupid.

Julie once more, trying to make herself heard over that one woman in the audience who always seems to be there, the one who wails like a fire engine over every single thing that happens. (WHY do they keep asking her back? Is she related to some big shot at CBS? Oh wait, that would be Julie.)

She goes back to the House Guests, huddled in the Couch Room. Time for the Save Me speeches. Ragan: He talks about his dad that passed away, and the importance of family. And that if he has to leave, he’s really excited about making cookies for everyone in the Jury House. Hmmm. First part good, second part, not so. Hayden: I’m just happy to be here. I’m not going to say anything bad about Ragan. But he has plenty of pointless things to say about everything else, rambling on for decades.

We finally get to The Vote.

Not surprisingly, but still a little disappointingly, Enzo and Britney vote for Ragan to leave. He’s going home.

Not that it appears to bother him too much. He seems very excited with what’s about to happen. “I get to meet Julie Chen!” Then he races out the door, pirouetting and such.

Exit interview.

Julie: “You made a compelling argument for keeping you in the last few days. What went wrong?” (Translation: Why are these people such idiots?) Ragan: “That group of four is closer knit. But it was a big mistake on their part.” Julie: “Why didn’t you act on your Brigade suspicions?” (Translation: Dumb-ass, you had your chance and you blew it.) Ragan: Matty wanted to keep them. And I think Matt is a wonderful, genuine, real person. (Translation: I wanted to have his baby, and I wasn’t paying attention.)

In the “goodbye” videos, Enzo actually has the nerve to ask Ragan to vote for him in the end. Figures. Jersey Boys, right? I shafted you but love me anyway.

Time for the HOH Competition.

It’s a Christmas theme. The players have to stand on one side of chicken wire, and then manipulate ornaments on the other side up the chicken wire and place them on a tree. First to fully decorate their tree wins. There are 18 ornaments and a star. We know right away that we are not going to see a winner during the course of this episode.

Britney manages to drop her first three ornaments right away, while quaint Christmas music plays in the background, so her suckage is immediately evident. The cameras do show Enzo and Hayden doing their thing, but there’s a constant distraction of shattered ornament glass from in front of Britney’s area.

We cut to commercial, because Britney’s performance is so sad.

We come back to Julie: “Next Wednesday is a special Eviction Episode!” Oh?

And we end with more shots of the Yuletide festivities in the courtyard. Britney is busting things left and right, Enzo is doing a little better, (I know, right?), and Hayden is in the lead…

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #164 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 24

Editor’s Sad and Tragic Note: Yes, I realize that I’m a bit behind with this review. The episode actually aired Wednesday night. Well, let me qualify that. It may have aired, but it wasn’t received in all places. There was an issue.

You see, Terry and I joined our friend Tiffany at 7 Salsas in Coppell, Tx. We laughed, we drank, we made disparaging remarks about our mutual friends that are really on our nerves right now. Mid-festivities, a storm rolled in. Tiffany squealed with delight, because she has a questionable love of atmospheric disturbances. In contrast, Terry and I looked at each other with horror. “Big Brother” was set to record on the DVR, but we live in a part of town where the slightest breeze can disrupt communications with the outside world. We crossed our fingers and ordered another round.

Later that evening, we sallied forth to the home front, and the finger-crossing proved fruitless. The recording of “Big Brother” went splendidly well for the first two minutes. Then we began seeing odd pixilation, with House Guests looking like Picasso paintings. Then the whole episode leapt ahead 35 minutes, evidence of a dead zone where the satellite signal went askance. Well, there was no point in watching just the final moments of the show, especially from a blogging perspective, so we had no choice but to watch the full episode online at a later time.

This meant a delay in both the viewing and the posting. Neither of us can watch such things while at work, so we had to wait until Thursday evening when we both got home. We did our duty, and I took copious notes. Then we raced into the den to watch Thursday’s new episode, only to find that the un-thoughtful local CBS affiliate had decided to run the show on theirs sister station. The DVR is not set up to record from the sister station. Why would we think to record on the sister station? It’s supposed to be on the regular station.

So anyway, we have no idea what happened on tonight’s episode. We don’t know who went home. All we know is what happened Wednesday night. So the following review, already dated and musty, must suffice for now. Please accept my humble regrets and apologies. I’ll review Thursday’s episode as soon as possible.

We start out with the standard review of the last few episodes. The Brigade, populated as it is by the dimmer bulbs in the string of Christmas lights, doesn’t really understand what is going on but is firmly convinced that they have this thing in the bag. Britney still seems to think that she is appearing on her own talk show. And Ragan cries.

Series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “The Brigade is right on schedule! I’m in the final four!” (Dude, anything can happen at this point. You are not in the final four until that fifth person is securely out of the house and playing patty cake with Julie.)

Lane: “It’s time for Ragan to go home.” (That’s right, send home the one guy who has some compassion. Hayden and Enzo are completely unaware that anybody else exists in the planet.)

Enzo: “I don’t understand.” (Of course not. Your self-appointed nickname consists of animal noises. Why would we expect any more out of you?)

Ragan: “I’m the ultimate target!” He then looks sad and wistful.

Ragan and Enzo, somewhere, fussing about being nominated. Ragan continues to be sad and wistful, while Enzo is blustery and outraged. How dare they do this to him? (Easy. You suck.) Ragan in the Diary Room: Enzo’s nomination shows that he is the most expendable. Now I know where to move. Very savvy thought, kudos to Ragan. You might still have a chance if you play your cards exactly right.

Then we learn that Enzo’s week-long confinement to the penguin suit is about up. As the rest of the house claps their hands and screams “Shun!” (obviously some type of inside joke that we’re not privy to), Enzo marches out into the courtyard for the disrobing ceremony. He makes a speech that he thinks is clever and amusing, but it’s really just stupid. Then he tosses the costume aside. The only thing I get out of this experience is wondering if Enzo shaves his chest. Because that sure looks like stubble.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s feeling very alone, but he’s not giving up. “I have to study my butt off!” Then we have shots of him memorizing details about the game-play up to this point. And shots of him lifting weights in the courtyard. “I feel like I’m Rocky Balboa!” Not really, Ragan. Totally different thing.

Time for the Veto Competition.

People mosey out to the courtyard, and we have “Otev”, a giant clam that is singing Broadway tunes. (I am not making this up.) In this bit of madness, there are tons of CD’s scattered all over the place. Otev, because he rolls that way, is going to sing songs, with each song being about two houseguests. Once he starts warbling, the players have to race out into the fake jungle and find a CD with a title that combines the two houseguests names. If you pick the wrong CD or you are the last to find a CD, you’re out.

And off we go.

First Song: Ragan is actually the last to find his CD, but it’s the right one. Lane has found the wrong CD, and is the player eliminated. Ragan, surprised, dries his tears and prepares for another round.

Second Song: Hayden is last. He’s gone.

Third Song: Britney is last. She stomps off to the side and calls Oprah, asking her what you should do when the people on your talk show don’t cooperate.

Final Song, with just Enzo and Ragan left, which is interesting since they are the two folks on the block: When they hear the song clues, they both seem to know exactly where the required CD is located, and they thunder in the same direction. But since Ragan weighs about 3 ounces, Enzo slams into him and knocks him through the air, bobby pins flying about. Enzo grabs the right CD and makes it back to the singing clam first. He wins Veto.

Ragan, hearing the news and losing his normal demure demeanor, throws his own CD at the clam. It bounces off and dings Enzo in the head. This amuses me.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Meow-Meow is starting to play!” (Really? Five people left and NOW you’re starting?)

Later, Enzo tries to go talk to Ragan, who is holed up in the Daybed Room, clutching his pearls. Ragan wants none of it, because you shouldn’t seek conversation with divas who are experiencing personal tragedy, and muttering “Leave me alone!”

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’m helpless. I’m in the worst possible position.” Then we have several shots of him about the house, looking forlorn and unwashed.

Lane, Enzo and Britney, somewhere. Enzo is very proud of himself for winning, bellowing things about the beast being back in the house. Lane: Your win “just made up for everything!”

No, it didn’t. Enzo won because he knocked somebody down who is smaller than he is. That’s not a triumphant move. That’s an elementary-school-playground flashback.

Quick scene with Britney and Hayden. They are celebrating Enzo’s win like it’s the Second Coming. Britney: Who do you think Lane is going to put up as a replacement. Hayden: Probably me. And that’s fine.

Both of these people are lying.

Britney goes to Lane in the HOH Room. She pleads her case while Lane is preparing to get in the shower. Britney does make some valid points for keeping her, but the rest of us are distracted by the apparent fact that Lane’s pre-shower ritual is very complex. Lots of mystifying steps. Is he really that dirty? Why does he keep stepping into the shower and then back out, without really doing anything?

Enzo and Hayden. They are babbling about actually keeping Ragan for now, and back-dooring Britney to quash her hold on Lane. Oh?

Then we learn about Punishment #2, the second fallout from Lane getting gaga over the money tree in Pandora’s room. For the next 12 hours, the house guests have to use sock puppets whenever they speak. If anyone fails to do this, everyone will be on slop for a week. So then we proceed to several sequences of people holding the sock puppets up whilst they speak.

Of course, we see Ragan lying about the house in various states of swoon, limply waving his puppet about to indicate that he is crying. Then we have Britney, Enzo, and Lane in the HOH Room. Basically they are talking about golf, and the fact that Enzo has no clue on how the game works. Normally boring, but they have to use the sock puppets, which puts a fun spin on things. And then the producers start blurring out Enzo’s puppet every time he cusses.

I rolled. It’s the little things that get me.

Next we have Britney getting fed up with the condition of the house. Apparently, Kathy and Brendon were the only two house guests who even bothered to pick things up. Now the place is a sty. So Britney wheels in a giant garbage can and starts throwing out expired food products in the kitchen. Within seconds, the bin is full. These people are just nasty. And on national TV to boot. There’s simply no shame in the BB house.

And we learn about Punishment #3. For the next 12 hours, any time that the house guests hear music, they have to dance until the music ends. This is actually very funny, with shots of house guests leaping out of bed or bounding out of the hot tub, doing pathetic dance moves every so often. The winner in this mess is Enzo channeling “Saturday Night Fever” while he’s in the shower.

Lane and Hayden in the courtyard. Lane: Are you okay with going up? Hayden: Not necessarily. Lane: I really don’t trust Enzo. Hayden looks at Lane as if both of them just passed gas. (Lane in the Diary Room: He actually figures out that Hayden and Enzo might be trying to angle for Britney going home. I’m stunned. He did this on his own? No cue cards?)

Lane and Britney in the HOH Room, babbling about who should go up on the block. Britney: “You guys might turn on me. You like Hayden better.” Lane looks very confused, but this is normal, so we really don’t pay attention. Britney: “If you take Hayden to the Final Two, he’ll win.” (Very good point. Hayden has some mystical lock on the house guests, apparently based solely on his hair, which is a perfect analogy to the current state of American politics.) Amazingly, Lane seems to be listening to Britney’s very valid points.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I might want to take Britney to the Final Two with me.” Then one of the cameramen, bored, makes a mooing noise, and Lane instantly races off to hog-tie something and throw his hands in the air.

And we have Enzo, staring at the House Guest wall, which is very sparse by now, pretending to decide how he should use his Power of Veto. This is totally bogus, because of COURSE he’s going to use it on himself, but the BB producers insist on the little charade.

Which leads to more Diary Room confessions.

Enzo: “I hope that Lane puts up Britney.” (Then he fondles his jewels. Perhaps someday, in a different context, a clinical doctor can explain to all of us why New Jersey males have an incessant need to grope themselves. Is this why that one governor of theirs resigned?)

Hayden: “Deals could be struck, and I could go home.” (Then he blankly looks off to the side, because he has no idea what he just said. It’s the hair. With follicles that deep, there’s going to be thought-process obstructions.)

Britney: “I can see Hayden and Enzo trying to get me out of the house.” (True. And I can also see Hayden and Enzo standing in unemployment lines in their future. But that’s just me.)

Time for the Veto Ceremony.

Enzo removes himself, natch.

Lane: “I couldn’t ask for better people” to still be here at this point. Yes, you could. I would ask. Repeatedly. “I have mad respect” for the person I am nominating as a replacement.

And he fingers Hayden.

Wow.

Final series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “I will do anything I have to do.” (Because you’ve been SO triumphant with the competitions so far. Good luck with that.)

Britney: “I’m SO excited.” (Then her stylist rushes onstage, because there’s a tiny smidge of foundation that hasn’t been blended well with the rest of her makeup. Production shuts down for three hours while a more pleasing shade of base is air-lifted in.)

Ragan: “There may be fractures” with the Brigade. I need to take advantage of that. (Suddenly rooting for Ragan, despite the tendency for crying and melodramatic poses on various furniture placed about the house.)

Lane: “Maybe my best chance is Britney next to me” in the Final Two. (Then he hears another cow mooing, and his focus is totally destroyed.)

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #162 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 23

We start with the typical review of the last few episodes (Ragan figures out that The Brigade exists and who the members are, Matt runs to tell The Brigade, and they all freak out and can’t concentrate on their weight-lifting, which is probably the most difficult thing they’ve ever encountered in their limited lives). And the Announcer Guy is asking “Who is going to win HOH!?!” Well, how are WE supposed to know that? Aren’t you tight with Julie, even though you apparently don’t have a physical body?

Diary Room confessions, some of which take place during the last hectic episode, where they crammed a full week of activities into one hour, so things get a bit confusing. Just ride the wave:

Hayden, about the surprise HOH Competition on Eviction Night: “I’m all tingly with stress!” Are you sure that’s stress? Because it could be crabs. Did you and Kristen have “the talk” before you played Doctor?

Enzo: “I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.” Well, good. The first step to recovery is accepting that you have a problem.

Britney: “Matt did it to himself.” Well, we know this. Because his hand is/was always in his pants. But thanks for the news flash. You can go back to your room now and organize your hair dryers.

Then, inexplicably, the BB producers decide to go back through all of the events that we watched in the last episode. Sure, they throw in a few snippets of houseguests plotting in between the frenetic activity, but we don’t really see anything new. This is just lazy.

The single interesting thing, to me, concerns The Brigade members, mainly Hayden, telling Brendon that he’s just a pawn, the target is Ragan. (Hayden confirms this in the Diary Room: He’s fine with Brendon. Ragan should leave. Oh?)

Cut to Enzo in the Diary Room: He’s more than ready for Brendon to leave. “You and Rachel go make ugly babies.” (But I bet they won’t be prematurely bald, Enzo. Just sayin.)

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I have mad respect for Brendon,” making it this far despite all the odds. Then Ragan does a high-kick, which sort of dilutes the impact of his respectful statement.

Anyway, we finally get around to seeing new things.

Britney and Ragan in some room, with a quick confab that one of them has GOT to win HOH. (Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m definitely nervous.” Then she gets very upset with one of her hair curls that didn’t look totally stunning on camera. Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’m certain I’m going up on the block.”)

We have The Brigade in the Swamp Room, being very cocky, because this is all they really know how to do. Hayden: “Back-to-back Brigade wins!” Then he high-fives someone who isn’t really there. Enzo is all about putting Britney and Ragan on the block. Lane is all about not wanting to be a part of this conversation, with a smidge of not wanting to stand too close to Hayden and end up with facial lacerations from Hayden’s out-of-control hair.

Lane in the Diary Room: If I win HOH, I would have to choose between Britney and The Brigade. I hope Enzo wins and has to make that decision. Then Lane high-fives one of his biceps.

Time for the HOH Competition.

Basically, it’s a twisted version of Blackjack, where Hayden shows the players two face cards totaling 21, then the players have to roll balls down this flip-ramp thing and try to make the balls land on the selected cards. You get a total of five tries per round, and the person who sucks the most each round is eliminated.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I have to win this thing. If you go home now, it’s your own fault.” NOW it’s your own fault? As opposed to the two months before this where you didn’t win a damn thing and you’re still here? What do you not understand about “winning”?

Britney drops out in the first round.

Enzo drops out in the second round.

Lane in the Diary Room: He’s mad because he wanted to throw the competition so he wouldn’t have to decide between Britney and his bottom-shelf buddies.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo is terrible!”

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The more I stay in this house, the more embarrassing it gets.” Exactly. Meow-Meow should have been sent home with some consolation catnip a long time ago.

We get down to the very last ball roll, where Ragan MUST hit the target in order to stay in the game with the surprisingly adept Lane, and they cut to commercials.

Seriously? This episode has totally hit the failblog in keeping my attention.

We finally come back from learning that Viagra can totally improve your life, unless you have a heart attack, check with your doctor. Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to win!” Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to win!” Hayden in the Diary Room: “Is it possible for me and my hair to get any hotter? Really, touch me, you will sizzle with delight”

And Lane wins HOH.

Lane in the Diary Room: “Now I’m stuck with a difficult decision.” Damn those people from New Jersey who can’t win squat, despite their unshakeable belief that their mere presence in the room is somehow akin to loaves and fishes appearing magically at just the right mass picnic moment.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I am SO happy. This is the best-case scenario.” Because Lane tosses me through the air at random, so surely he’s going to keep me around.

Ragan in the Diary Room: “Of course I’m going up.” Then he drops to his knees and prays to Liza for some form of redemption.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Blondie’s gotta go up.” And he earned the right to call the shots when?

Brief shot of Ragan sprawled in the Daybed Room, looking anguished and hoping that someone at home is taping all the episodes of “Design Star”.

Lane, Hayden and Britney, sitting somewhere. Lane: “Who wants the pawn spot?” Of course, neither of the other two does, looking everywhere but at Lane. Then Hayden feebly offers: “Enzo?”

The Brigade is such a joke. All three of them would sell each other out to win. Or for a free shot of tequila. Same thing.

Time to see Lane’s HOH digs.

Everyone runs up the spiral staircase, gushing with false love and fake excitement. Once the fawning court is assembled, Lane stupidly explains that his “oil company” job is really not about actual physical labor. It’s more about schmoozing clients with golf-playing and dinner dates.

Cut to Britney and Hayden swinging in the hammock. Britney basically says that, although she thinks Lane is the bee’s knees (He makes me airborne in a totally non-sexual way!), he doesn’t really need the money. Hayden and his hair perk up, sensing an opportunity.

Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry, celebrating their standing in the game, with Hayden hollering “Final Four!” Then Enzo has a moment of angst. “What if Ragan gets POV?” Hayden just kind of stands there, because having to think about too many things at one time is not really his specialty.

Then we have a series of scenes with Enzo, in his penguin outfit, losing his mind while straddling one of the weight benches in the courtyard. It’s supposed to be funny, something about so many days in the house causing temporary insanity, but it really comes across as “are we making up crap, AGAIN, just to fill this hour out?”

Lane wanders into the HOH Room, and there’s that Pandora’s thing again. His teaser video shows “money growing on trees”. There’s over $10K supposedly hanging on said tree. “I’m gonna do it!” He squat-thrusts his way into the special Pandora room for another explanatory note.

It seems that he can pick up to three envelopes off the sparkly tree, but each envelope equals one punishment for the house, including himself. His first pick yields $79, the second offers $12, and the final choice gets him 17 cents. Whoops.

Lane in the Diary Room: Now I have to go downstairs and tell everybody I was a dumb-ass.

So he does. “We’re gonna get three punishments. So sorry.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “For all we know, he WON the $10K.”) Turns out the first punishment is that no silverware or cups are allowed in the house for 1 week. This is followed by shots of sad houseguests drinking cola out of bowls and spreading mayo on their sandwiches with a flapjack flipper. Diary Room whining ensues.

Britney and Lane, discussing. Britney: Who you gonna put up? Lane: Ragan for sure. Maybe Enzo? Britney: Ragan could win the Veto. And it would be more fair to put Hayden up, since Enzo was just on the block. Lane: “I’m not putting Hayden up.”

Oh? Britney has some choice words to share about this statement. So you like Hayden more than you like me? Fine. You are SO not throwing me in the air today. Hate you.

Lane, Hayden and Enzo, sitting around in their Mutual Admiration Society. Enzo: Are you gonna put those two up? Lane: Hey Hayden, wanna go up? It’s been a while. Hayden most definitely does not care for this plan. (In the Diary Room, Hayden: “No way!” Enzo: Lane and Britney have something going on!)

Cut to Lane doing the “who will I nominate” thing, staring at the now-puny Houseguest Wall and scratching his head. This cues more Diary Room business.

Ragan: “I will be shocked if I don’t go up.” (Ragan has said variations on this same line at least 46 times in this episode. Gee, do you think he’s worried?)

Hayden: “The pawn could be anybody!” (Um… duh?)

Enzo: Better not be anybody from The Brigade. (Then he fondles himself through the penguin outfit, thus sending an entire generation of youngsters running to their parents with uncomfortable questions.)

Britney: “I’m gonna be pissed if it’s me.” (Which would then cause you to do… what?)

Lane: “I don’t like hurting people.” (Then don’t win things, Lane. Done.)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Britney’s key is the first one out, which is something of a political statement. The next and final key is Hayden, also a statement, but much more mystifying. This leaves Ragan and Enzo on the block. Lane to Ragan: “It’s all strategy.” Lane to Enzo: “The POV is the real deal.”

And we end back in the Diary Room.

Ragan: “I’m completely by myself in this house.” (Then he whips out his Broadway Cast Recordings collection and searches for a mournful tune that can be warbled on a dimly-lit stage.)

Enzo: “That was such a baby move!” (Then he uses some colorful language that is bleeped. My guess is that he feels Lane does not understand Enzo’s firm belief that he has been anointed by God to save the human race.)

Lane: “Enzo hasn’t won anything. Maybe Britney should stay and YOU should go.” (Then Lane shoves his already overly-large head at the camera, and people in Tokyo scream. Not again!)

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #161 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 22

We start out with Julie live, all giddy that tonight is a double eviction and we get to send two houseguests packing. Yay!

Cut to the review of the last few episodes. These things are starting to get a little sparse, since the house is getting pretty small at this point. (By the end of the season, the review will just be two people staring at each other with total hatred.) Anyway, we see shots of The Brigade wanting Matt gone, and Matt running around and plotting against Ragan. Then the Announcer Guy: It’s going to be a double eviction! What, do they think we’ve had a memory lapse since Julie just mentioned that 37 seconds ago?

And here’s Julie again: “Two houseguests will leave tonight!” (Just shoot me in the head, Vern, and get this over with.) “Who will be left standing when the night is through?” Oh, and The Brigade is a secret for now, but that won’t last for long in the Big Brother house. Then Julie grins manically and tosses her hair about.

We have a run of Diary Room confessions.

Matt: “I gotta pull another rabbit out of my hat.” (Sorry, but my mind goes immediately to Matt’s incessant need to shove his hand in his shorts. I have a lot of endearing names for my tackle, but I’ve never called it a rabbit.)

Britney: I was fine with Matt until he threw his friend under the bus. (Gee, I wonder how she’s going to feel when Lane does the same with her?)

Enzo: This is how The Brigade is going to send people home - Matt, Brendon, Britney and Ragan. (Then he gets kind of quiet and tries to remember what he was talking about. You could say that the penguin outfit is throwing him off a bit, but something tells me Enzo was thrown a long time ago.)

Cut to Ragan sprawled out in the daybed room, looking all tragic and pale after learning that Matt is not going to marry him and have children. Britney wanders in, and instinctively nurtures one of her gay acolytes. “If you wanna talk, come find me.”

Matt moseys by the daybed room, and asks Ragan: “You available?” (In another context, I could twist that question around into all kinds of sordid interpretations.) Ragan responds: “Not quite yet.”

Scene with Britney and Matt in the kitchen area, with Britney looking around like she doesn’t understand why the servants haven’t cleaned up the spilled sesame seeds. Matt: “Is Ragan upset?” Britney pretends like she doesn’t really know why Ragan is wallering around on the daybed and sobbing. Matt: Can you talk to him? Because, like, you’re a girl and can understand him better.

Oh, really, Matt? Only a GIRL can understand a gay man? Do you realize that you just lost the support of half of this show’s viewing audience? Oh wait, you’d already lost it. Never mind.

Matt in the Diary Room: He figures out that Britney must have told Ragan that he tried to backstab him. “I’m in big trouble.” Yep.

Still, Matt gives it another shot with Ragan. Stupidly, Matt tries to act like he didn’t “realize” that telling Britney to evict Ragan could be considered “throwing Ragan under the bus”. Then Matt ups the dumb-ass factor by saying that everybody in the house knows that Ragan was campaigning to keep Matt. (Ragan in the Diary Room: I don’t want people to be thinking THAT.)

So Ragan marches out to the courtyard, where the rest of the house is lolling about and waiting for anything of interest to happen. Ragan makes it clear that he is NOT in an alliance with Matt. (Who moseys outside during this, hands in pants, and presumably hears the tale.) Then Enzo, because he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, mumbles something about how the guys had planned to split the vote on the last eviction.

Ragan quickly does the math, considers the variables, and then runs to the Diary Room. “There’s an alliance between Enzo, Matt, Hayden and Lane!” Well, hallelujah. He’s not the first to suspect this, but hopefully he’s the first to actually do something about it.

Ragan is listlessly swinging in the hammock, still swooning with shattered friendships and wondering if he should clutch a calla lily to his chest, when Matt wanders up. “Are you okay?” Ragan: The boys are working together. And you were a part of that. Matt denies such.

Matt in the Diary Room: Wait. Can I flip this around in my favor?

Matt runs to Lane and Hayden. Matt: Ragan knows a LOT. He told me that he’d target you and Lane. Total lie. (Hayden in the Diary Room: How do we know that it wasn’t MATT who told Ragan?)

Scene with Ragan lying on the daybed, running through events in the house and trying to memorize things, strategizing. (Ragan in the Diary Room: “I have to bring this alliance down.”) Fingers crossed.

Cut to Julie, who then informs the assembled houseguests that tonight will be a double elimination. We’ll have a week’s worth of BB in one hour.

Crickets chirp in the Couch Room as most of them have no immediate comprehension of what this means. Britney briefly seems to have a moment of insight, but it may have just been a gas bubble.

Then Julie says that the eviction nominees will give their “save me” speeches now, and the houseguests realize it’s WAY too early in the episode for that, so slight fear shadows their otherwise catatonic faces. Enzo is up first: He says he wants to prove himself and he wants to do things. Vague, right? Then he says he thinks Matty is “a cool dude”. And then he’s unable to stop rambling about pointless things. Julie, grimacing, finally cuts him off.

Matt stands: He promises to keep it short, and then goes on forever as well. (Quick shot of Julie on her communication device, asking why the snipers are not firing from the rooftops. We have commercial break commitments!) Finally, Matt’s obtuse plane lands and we get to the actual voting.

It’s unanimous that Matt is going home.

To his credit, he’s very gracious when he leaves, hugging everybody. He marches out the door to a surprising round of applause from the studio audience. (Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking that the audience should have pelted him with rotting garbage for his lies about his wife’s non-existent illness. Then again, maybe it’s my bad. I forgot. People don’t have morals any more.)

Exit interview.

Julie: You threw the HOH competition. Why? (See, I still don’t know how we’re supposed to know this, but apparently we are.) Matt: I was too confident. Maybe my worst move. Julie: Why did you remain loyal to The Brigade. Why not out them? Matt: I was gonna ride this week out and see. (Weak answer.) Julie: Why did you throw Ragan under the bus? Matt: I did feel bad about that.

Then Julie shoves Matt off the stage and gets to her next sound bite. “Coming up. The HOH Competition!” Then she beams to show that her dental insurance has been well-spent.

And we go to the competition in the courtyard.

Basically, Julie is going to ask a question. The answer will be two houseguest names. The players have to then jump over this crappy pile of boxes, and then dig in a pen of packing peanuts for little placards that have names. You can only bring one name back to the finish line at a time, and if you bring a wrong name you are eliminated.

The whole thing is over in roughly 12 seconds, with Hayden winning.

Julie gets back on the monitor and tells the houseguests to get their asses back in house pronto, because we’re live and we have things to do.

Then Julie turns back to the cameras and says: “Let’s eavesdrop on the strategy taking place in the house.” This sounds fun and exciting, but the payout leaves a lot to be desired. We see Hayden and Brendon talking. Can’t hear a thing. We see Haden, Lane, Enzo and Brendon talking. Can’t hear a thing. Great. Learned a lot.

Julie summons the underlings to the Couch Room. Hayden, commence with the nominations.

He names Brendon and Ragan.

Then Julie shoos people back out to the courtyard, because we still have things to do and, more importantly, commercials to show.

Power of Veto Competition. This is one of those “Before and After” things where Julie mentions two events in the house and the players have to figure out which came when. Since we’re on a tight schedule, suffice it to say that Julie barks “I need an answer!” several hundred times. Eventually, Ragan wins POV.

Julie, apparently having been informed via her mind-control headset that we’ve still got a bit of time, taunts us again with “Let’s eavesdrop on the strategy in the house!”. This consists entirely of Britney running about and making sure that if she goes up, everybody is going to vote for Matt. She also adjusts a bra strap, if such things are important to you.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon gets to offer up his “save me” speech. It’s fairly stupid. Something about shoes.

Ragan, no speech necessary, removes himself from the block. But he still manages to throw in a “Janelle” reference.

Hayden names Britney as a replacement. No surprise, since the other options are all Brigade members.

And we cut directly to the Eviction Ceremony. (We’re living in the fast lane, people.)

“Save me” speeches, again.

Britney: She’s totally boring, feeling completely secure and not even trying.

Brendon: He’s actually kind of human. “The dysfunction in the house makes us a family.” But it’s too little, way too late.

Brendon is evicted unanimously.

Exit interview.

Julie: Just before the vote, we heard the other guys saying that you were just going to be a pawn on the block. (Um, Julie, no we didn’t. We couldn’t hear a damn thing. Your little minions were censoring everything so that the one small child who is actually watching this show wouldn’t be offended.) Brendon shrugs it off. That’s how it goes. Julie: Do you have no clue of the truth in what was going on? Brendon: Probably not. Julie: Of the people left, who’s playing the best game? Brendon: Britney.

Julie shoves Brendon off the stage, and turns to the cameras. “Let’s eavesdrop on the house and see what they’re thinking!” Because that worked SO well the first two times we did this.

We basically see one continuous shot of the fish tank, which means people are cussing.

That was a wealth of information, Julie. Thanks for that.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #160 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 21

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. (Britney completely lying to Brendon about her intentions, Ragan crying about something or another, Enzo finding yet another reason to compliment himself, and Hayden continuing to misunderstand that his jacked-up hair is not sexy in any way.) During this, the Announcer Guy says that Matt intentionally threw the HOH Competition. He did? I’m thinking the BB producers are once again babbling about something we didn’t see on the regular show. (Correct me if I’m wrong.) We end the review with Lane exposing his bicep and screaming “The Beast!”

And a round of Diary Room confessions:

Enzo: He’s still stunned that anyone would nominate him for eviction, despite Britney’s assurances that he’s not the target. “I’m on the block! If I survive, I’m coming after her.” (But that would mean you have to actually win something, Enzo. So I guess Britney is safe.)

Matt - “I’m fine with either one of them going home.” (But he seems to be more fine with Enzo packing his bag.)

Britney: Let me repeat. “Brendon is the target. (Then she rips a chunk of plywood off the wall and uses it for a nail file.)

Brendon: “Britney is definitely going to regret this.” (I guess that Brendon still doesn’t understand that ANYBODY would have put him up.)

Then we have Brendon in the Swamp Room, curled up in a blanket, putting on one of those sleep mask things (so we can’t see him cry? what the hell?) and then praying to Saint Rachel for guidance. Enzo wanders in, and discussion ensues, if you can call it that when two flavors of Neanderthal grunt at one another. Brendon cusses everyone in the house, especially Britney for going back on their agreement. Enzo eats SpaghettiO’s from a can.

Quick scene with Britney and Enzo in the HOH Room. She paints her toenails and promises Enzo that he’s safe. He seems to have just realized that he HAS toenails, and gazes at them in wonder. (Ezno in the Diary Room: I don’t know about Britney and her promises. She had a deal with Brendon, and look where that went.)

Hayden and Lane on the deck in the courtyard, flexing and admiring themselves. Hayden: “Matt thinks he owns this house. He needs to get back-doored.” If he doesn’t go home, he will win this game. Yo, Lane, go talk to your sister.

Lane scampers up to the HOH Room. (Well, scamper is perhaps not the right word for someone who is so muscle-bound that he can barely brush his teeth.) Lane: Got something important to say but you can’t tell anyone. Back-door Matt. Britney: But if I do, and he doesn’t go home, he’ll come after me. (Yep.) Lane: He’s going to put you up anyway. (Lie, Lane doesn’t know this.) Britney counter-offers: No, he’s going to go after one of you guys. Lane: He’s going after couples, like you and me. Now, can I throw you in the air a few times and catch your squirming, supple body?

Britney in the Diary Room: We haven’t even played Veto yet! What’s this back-door talk? These people know that I want Brendon out and they better support me. This makes her want to throw up, of course, because everything eventually does.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. (And we do this while Matt is once again laid out on the couch with his hand shoved down the front of his pants. Dude, it’s still there, you don’t have to keep your hand on it.) Britney pulls “Houseguest’s Choice” and fingers Matt. Brendon draws Lane, and Enzo gets Hayden. Which means the entire Brigade is playing Veto. So one would think that one of them would pull this off and keep Brendon on the block. Right?

Well, maybe not. This is one of those things where you start off with a certain amount of points (50), and then you gain points by accepting punishments and lose points for accepting prizes. Whoever has the most points at the end of the temptations will win Veto.

Oh, and nobody gets to find out exactly who took the prizes. Only the punishments will be revealed. Great. We can fully expect some of the people who are not on the block to easily buckle and snap up the prizes, because this always happens. Always.

And off we go. They only let us see certain results in some of the rounds. Suffice it to say that Lane took at least one of the prizes, and Hayden took at least two (gleefully so, I might add). From what I could tell, Britney and Matt don’t take any of the prizes, and Enzo actually takes two of the punishments, big ones, thinking this will put him in the winner’s circle. Trouble is, Brendon basically takes the rest of the punishments.

And he wins Veto.

At the end of the competition, the punishments are doled out. Brendon has to take a certain number of chum baths, he has to be chained for 24 hours to the house guest of his choice (he fingers Britney, much to her shock and dismay), and he gets his head shaved by Ragan. Enzo has to wear a penguin suit for a week and has to give away all of his clothes to charity

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s not the end of the world.” We can still back-door Matty. Then Lane caresses himself in a startling manner.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s livid about her supposed partners in the house. “They all walked away with prizes. I’m considering everyone as a replacement nominee!” Then she takes a high-heeled shoe and stabs one of the cameramen out of pure spite.

Cut to Britney and Ragan in the HOH Room. She’s crying and wallering all over the bed. (I guess I should clarify that Britney is the one doing this, while Ragan stands there slightly confused that someone has usurped his designated role in the house.) How could they do this to me? Matt wanders in as Britney is wailing about the Brendon thing. “How can we not get ONE person out?”

Shift to Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Brendon (oh?) sitting around discussing what just happened. Lane actually fesses up to taking the “phone-call-home” prize. Hayden doesn’t say a word, hiding behind his bush hair. Enzo: “So Matty took it ALL!” Hayden continues to hide. Bastard. They send Lane up to see what Britney thinks about all of this.

When Lane arrives in the HOH Room, Britney sends Ragan and Matt out. Then she unleashes on Lane. “You guys don’t know what it’s like to be targeted.” (Um, sweetie, Lane was just on the block. I think he probably has something of an idea.) “I’m in a bad place, and I feel used!” Then Britney flops around on the bed like Scarlett O’Hara digging for turnips in a dusty field and proclaiming that she will never go hungry again.

Lane: “I’m not gonna put you in harm’s way.” (Quickly followed by Lane in the Diary Room: “I will manipulate Britney, if needed. My loyalty is straight with The Brigade.” Really? That same Brigade that Matt is in? Because you’re not being loyal to him.)

Later, Britney wanders up to the HOH Room, fresh from, I don’t know, a Brazilian wax courtesy of Ragan and some Scotch tape. She discovers a Pandora’s box offer. She reviews the teaser video, which is just a giant box with a question mark on it. Hmmm. Then Brit reads an additional clue that her prize would be “one hour of advice with a houseguest from a previous season”. Oh? Well, then. Britney happily agrees to the terms and runs into the Pandora room.

Where she is startled, and then horrified, when Jessie pops out of the box, strutting and preening. Oh, and that one hour of advice? He’s going to give exercise tips so that Britney can look just like him. No game strategy. Just weight-lifting whilst the King of Self-Absorption strikes poses.

Meanwhile, all the guys are downstairs in the courtyard, enjoying a nice luau for one hour while Britney is trapped upstairs, complaining that lifting a two-pound weight is just too hard for girls from Arkansas. She’s finally released from the Jessie torture (his presence alone is deadly, never mind the weight-training) and she rushes to join the luau. But of course it’s over, with the guys belching and patting their bellies.

Brendon and Britney are ordered to the Diary Room, where they are fitted with fuzzy handcuffs, locking them together for 24 hours. Oh, and the BB producers have arranged that Brendon must take his hourly chum baths during this bit of enforced closeness, so they have to deal with that. At one point we see both of them in the Diary Room, chained, with Brendon fessing that the chum baths aren’t really all that bad. While he’s pontificating, we see Britney at his side, mouthing the words “Help. Me.”

That right there was priceless. We had to rewind.

The hourly chum cycle continues all night, with Britney gamely trying to avoid the chum splashing and the subsequent shower rinse. At some point the next day, Ragan finally approaches them with a key and releases the duo. Britney immediately flees across the courtyard, intent on joining a nunnery.

Matt goes up to Britney in the HOH Room. Matt: What’s up? What’s going on? Britney: Well, it’s down to you or Hayden for replacement nominees. (Matt in the Diary Room: Yeah, Ragan’s my friend, but screw it. It’s time for a sacrifice.) So he pushes Britney to put up Ragan. Nice guy, right?

Then Matty leaves the HOH Room and immediately runs to Lane, meeting up in the pantry and throwing out the Ragan angle. “You have got to talk to Britney.” And by the way, can I touch one of your biceps, because damn, they fine. Maybe you should wear my skanky hoodie, it does great with muscles.

Matt dashes to tell Hayden and Enzo the same spiel. Ragan is the Anti-Christ and Linda Blair will show up if we don’t send him home. Hayden and Enzo act like they are totally on board with this plan, but they’re not. (Hayden in the Diary Room, after the Los Angeles zoning commission has given approval for Hayden and his hair to actually remain in the house: “We are going to back-door Matty.”)

Lane meets with Britney in the HOH Room. He spills about Matt’s plan to get Ragan out, but that’s not what The Brigade, I mean “I”, want. Britney: “If you’re playing me for a fool, I will kill you.

Let me insert this: When a girl from Arkansas mentions death as retribution, she ain’t playin’. Take heed.

Hayden and his hair run to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. Enzo runs to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. He also throws in the bonus plan of swearing that Britney will be in the Final Four. (Really, Enzo? Can you even name those final four right now?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “If Matt would do this to a friend (Ragan),” then what will he do to people who are not his friends. Like me. (Sleep on that, Britney. Sleep hard.)

Britney saunters up to Ragan. Britney: Just wanted to let you know that we’re good. But people have been saying your name. (To her credit, at least at this point, Britney does not say who. ) Ragan: “Why me?” Britney: When your back is against the wall, people do things. (Very fair.) Ragan: I feel like I’m going down the wrong path. And that’s not good for either of us.

Cut to Brendon staring at the Houseguest Wall, and pretending to be troubled about how he is going to use his Power of Veto. (Why do they even do this? If you’re on the block, of course you’re going to save yourself. Unless you’re Evel Dick. Or dumb-ass Marcellus in Season 3. That was just stupid, girl.)

Outside on the deck in the courtyard, which is where everyone is apparently banished while POV winners do their fake quandary with the camera crew inside, we see Ragan mouth to Britney: “Did Matty throw me under the bus?” Britney nods, and then plays with her hair.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon wastes no time in saving himself, then throws it back to Britney.

Britney: “This was a tough decision.” Then she nominates Matt.

Which leads to a final round of Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “I don’t trust Matt. He turned on his best friend.” Fair enough. But your best friend is Lane. And he’s completely lying to you. You seem to realize that something is going on with those four guys. Put down your hand mirror and wake up.

Matt: Astonishingly, he still thinks The Brigade has his back, and that this is all Britney’s doing. Then he fondles his pecs in a disturbing manner.

Enzo: “Britney went with The Brigade plan!” No she didn’t, she has no idea what your plan is. And more importantly, Matt IS smart, whether you like him or not, and he could still pull something off. And by that, Enzo, I don’t mean himself. Dude, you better pack your bag, just in case.

Ragan: “Things have changed. Matt stabbed me in the back.” And if there is one life lesson you need to take away from tonight’s developments, it’s that you should never underestimate the power of a queen who has been scorned.

Roll end credits.