Editor’s Note: I missed the very beginning of this episode, since there were just a few tiny little things going on, like tornado sirens blaring and the pretty newscasters informing me that a tornado had just touched down just a few miles away and I better run like hell. But that all settled down, no personal damage other than frayed nerves, and the local station finally tuned us in to the Big Brother broadcast.
We’re dropped right into the action, with Hayden, Lane and Enzo sitting on the patio. Apparently there has been some type of heated discussion, because they’re all glaring at one another. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I hope Lane stays loyal.” Enzo takes his hands out of his pants long enough to go to the Diary Room as well: “I’ve had my suspicions about Lane. I’m in the worst position.”) Who knows what happened. I would like to think Lane was trying to do the right thing by Britney, but I’m not sure he even knows what that is.
Britney and Hayden in the HOH Room, flopped on the bed because these people are apparently anemic and can’t be bothered with standing upright. Britney: “I’m nervous.” Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna take me to the Final Two.” Britney: You do realize that if Enzo goes to the end, he “will win unanimously.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Hey, I’m playing ALL the angles at this point.) Britney: “I have too many enemies in the Jury House. I’m not gonna win in the Final Two.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “She has some very good points.” Yes, she does. Are you listening?) Then some nurse comes in and gives them B12 shots in the butt in the hopes that they will finally get out of bed and change their underwear.
Back to Julie with that beyond-irritating live studio audience. She’s in one of her over-exuberant moods again. “This will be the most important Veto Competition of the summer! Who will have the sole power to evict?” Then about 14 people in the audience have simultaneous orgasms as they think about the options.
Commercials. Well, there should be commercials at this point. Because of the local weather conditions in Dallas caused by the dying but still kicking Tropical Depression Hermine, which has resulted in massive flooding and/or houses floating away down raging rivers that were just dried-up streams two days ago, we have blow-dried newscasters making us feel bad that we haven’t lost everything like the shell-shocked people on screen. Good times.
Time for the Veto Competition.
Each player has a station, with a giant wall, where there are 8 clues running along the top and 8 clues running along the bottom. They have to take these fake movie poster things, showing two evicted houseguests apiece, and match them up correctly. Trouble is, the posters are double-sided, so either view could actually be the right one. First to match all 8 correctly and hit the little bell thing wins POV.
We have Enzo in the Diary Room, saying something, but for the first time I actually pay attention to the subtitle blurb that mentions he’s an “insurance adjuster”. Really? In Jersey? With that attitude? Something tells me there’s a lot of angry claimants in that state who have unkind thoughts about Mr. Meow Meow.
Hayden in the Diary Room: “Britney’s good at trivia.” Enzo and Lane, not so much. “So I’m gonna have to be the won who wins this.” Then he turns and waves to the crowd of paparazzi that isn’t really there.
Lane in the Diary Room: “I want Britney to win, so she can take herself off the block, Enzo goes up, and there’s no blood on my hands.” Then he turns and waves at the crowd of Longhorns that isn’t really there.
And the competition starts.
Lane in the Diary Room: Basically, “I’m really stupid.” Thanks for the insight, Lane. Figure that out all by yourself, did you?
Other people pile into the Diary Room, describing the strategy that they used during the running about. It’s not very interesting. You figure out the clues and you put the photos in the right order. Get it done.
Shots of everybody in the courtyard, sweating and thinking. (Every time we see Lane, they play corny hillbilly music.) Enzo is actually the first to hit his bell, but he’s got 5 incorrect out of 8. He grunts and gets back to work. Britney seems to be doing well, but she hasn’t hit her buzzer yet, so we don’t know how close she is. Lane? Well, he’s Lane.
All the sudden Hayden hits the bell and he has all 8 right. He wins POV, totally catching everyone off guard. Britney is especially stunned, gazing at him in amazement as she pulls her short-shorts out of her crack.
More scenes in the Diary Room.
Hayden: He’s celebrating his victory and kissing the POV medal, his biceps and his hair. He turns and waves to the crowd of horny supermodels that isn’t really there.
Britney: “I feel pretty good. Enzo could still go up.” She turns and waves to the crowd of Razorback fans that don’t actually have TV’s and therefore don’t know that she exists.
Lane, sighing: “Now I have to reverse back to The Brigade, and make them believe that I’ve always been on their side.” Then he pauses to wonder what “reverse back” really means.
Julie again: “Will The Brigade feel good enough to reveal one of the biggest secrets of the summer?” Then she turns and waves to the producers who cut her a check every week.
Commercials. Blech.
More Julie: “All secrets eventually come out!” We got it, Julie. Somebody in The Brigade is going to blab. Your hints have been so subtle, I never would have figured that out on my own.
Hayden, Lane and Enzo, sitting around. Hayden: “I was SO lucky”, winning that thing. Enzo: Are you kidding? You Da Bomb! (Yes, that sound you hear is full-strength ass-kissing.) Hayden: “When should we tell Britney about The Brigade?” (Oh?) Enzo: “Now.” Hayden: I want her to know that’s why I’m not going to use the Veto. (Lane in the Diary Room: Hoo boy. I’ve gotta be careful here.) Lane: “Tell her tonight if you want.” He gulps.
This should be fun.
Then we see Britney wandering up to the HOH Room, where Enzo and Lane are sitting about. Enzo to Lane: “What are you gonna do tonight?” Lane: “Drink beer.” Enzo tries again with another leading question, clearly trying to steer the conversation into a direction where they can tell Britney what’s up. But Lane is a few cow-pies short of a bushel, and doesn’t really get it. Or doesn’t want to get it.
Enzo gives up with the Lane angle, and turns to Britney: “You think there was an alliance in this house?” Britney: Sure. “Rachel and Brendon.” Then Enzo gets, to me anyway, rather cruel, having too much fun teasing Britney about not knowing about The Brigade. Really not caring for him right now. Not that I ever did, just sayin.
Then Enzo finally fully fesses up about The Brigade. Lane confirms: “From Day Two.” Enzo then gets very cocky, which is no surprise, but this is NOT the time to be that way. This is why Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Enzo is from some self-important galaxy that doesn’t even have a real name, just a number. Enzo on The Brigade: “I think it’s greatness.”
Britney lays on the HOH bed, absently picking at her fingernails as she tries to act nonchalant, but you know she’s devastated.
Hayden comes up to the room.
Enzo: “I told.”
Hayden: “Without me?” He turns to Britney: “I’m sorry, Britney. But I’m glad you won the 10 G’s.” Translation: You’re done.
Britney: “So I’m definitely going home?”
Hayden: “I’m not gonna use the Veto.”
Enzo: “That’s it. Know what I mean?” Classy guy, right?
Hayden: “The last thing I wanna do is make you cry.”
Britney jumps off the bed and starts to leave: “How do you think this feels, knowing you have no shot?” The others try to console her, but it’s too late. She storms out the door.
Britney in the Diary Room: “I’ve been completely played! Lane’s been lying to me! I don’t wanna talk to them. It makes me sick to think of voting for any of them.” Then she makes a hog-calling noise, and there’s the sound of cloven feet racing up to do her bidding in the middle of the night, seeking porcine retribution.
Lane starts to leave the HOH Room, to see how Britney’s doing, but Enzo tries to stop him: “Stay here. We need to talk.” (My fingers are crossed that this little snippet is shown to the jury members, so they can see what Enzo’s all about, but it probably won’t happen.) Lane leaves anyway.
Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s like one of my good dogs died.” Really, Lane? Britney is one of your good dogs? And Brendon was the Neander-tall?
Lane finds Britney in one of the bedrooms. “Want to talk?” Britney: “It’s not a good time. I’m going to bed.” Lane: “I wasn’t playing you. I never played you. I do have a lot of feelings for you.” Britney, sniffling and snuggling up to her pillow: Whatev. Good night.
Cut to Julie, acting all somber and dramatic after all that mess: “We’ll be back with the Veto Ceremony and the Eviction.” Then she turns and waves at her stylist.
Time for the Veto Meeting.
Hayden to the Nominees: “I hope to be friends with both of you. But I’m not using the Veto.”
Julie: Time for the Save Me speeches for the sole voter, Enzo.
Lane: He totally sucks up to Enzo. “Without you, this house would be dull and boring.” Which is a slam to everybody else, but I doubt that Lane thinks more than one sentence ahead in his life.
Britney: “I love you all. We’re friends forever.” She turns to Lane: “You’re my best friend! I’ll miss you forever!” Then she goes on with what turns out to be a very eloquent speech, no hard feelings, I hope the best for everybody. The only dent in this oratory is her bit about “It’s an honor to be kicked out by The Brigade.” No, it’s a symbol of you not paying attention, especially since other now-booted house guests tried to warn you. Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh.
Julie: Enzo, stand and evict somebody.
Enzo: “I’m going to make this short.” Then he proceeds to do the exact opposite, rambling for hours about meaningless crap. In the end, he fingers Britney. She graciously hugs everybody and departs, her designer heels clattering up the three short steps to freedom.
Exit Interview.
Jules: Lots of love and forgiveness at the end. What gives?
Brit: “I truly love them. They are my friends.”
Jules: Why didn’t you believe Ragan?
Brit: I thought I was working with The Brigade.
Jules: Forgive Lane?
Brit: “I really believe he wanted me in the Final Two.” But things happened.
Goodbye videos.
Hayden: “I feel like I betrayed you.” (You did.)
Enzo: “This was very hard.” (Didn’t seem like it.)
Lane: “I’m gonna miss everything about you. I wanted to take you to Final Two, but then Hayden won HOH.”
Britney cries throughout this bit, shedding enough tears to be realistic but not enough to cause mascara complications. Then Julie shoves her off the stage. “The final HOH Competition is coming up!”
Commercials. (Well, in our local weather case, more news reporters talking to rain-soaked citizens “See that there lake right there? That was just a puddle yesterday. Sure was.” Then a cow floats by. They turn and wave.)
Back to Jules, talking to the three remaining boys in the courtyard. As is usual, the final HOH Competition is a three-parter. The winners of the first two parts compete in the final round for HOH. This first part involves the boys riding on little swings that whip from side to side in the yard, slamming the riders into padded walls. Enzo is greatly impressed with this, screaming stupid Meow-Meow phrases of eventual triumph, so I’m guessing he knows all about S&M.
Julie, startled by Enzo’s apparent thrill at being hurled against a wall: “Oh my.”
Commercials again. Did you know that fake butter can change your life?
Jules again: Tomorrow is the conclusion of Part 1. We’ll also see Part 2, live. Then next Wednesday is the two-hour finale! She beams like this is a gift from Heaven.
What, no Sunday show? Then again, Julie’s only here for one hour a week, so she may not be totally clued in. We’ll see.
Back to the live competition. Jules: “Time for a grenade!” A waterfall starts pouring down in the middle of the yard, so the swinging boys have to splash through it as they swing from side to side.
And the three fool boys scream like it’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.
God.
Roll end credits.
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