Well, we start out in some really crowded bar. From the sounds of screaming, there must be a fire and the only exit is blocked by somebody’s bling. Then we see Mike sing a few lines, so I guess it’s an impromptu concert where the goal is to holler louder than the band. Then somebody runs off the stage and jumps into the crowd, because that’s fresh and nobody’s ever done it before. As the crowd rips this person into souvenir pieces, Mike thanks them for being so well-behaved. Then he wanders off.
Next we see him traipsing along down some stairs and putting on a leather jacket, so that we can know he’s just like us, because we all have to walk and wear fashionable but protective clothing. He just happens to stumble across a very nice convertible filled with lovely women (that just happened to me on the way home tonight, wow) and they go cruising. Sadly, the girls get bored really quickly and don’t seem to be having a good time, so Mike hops out, not even bothering to use the door because he’s all hip and street.
Mike goes into a hotel, but instead of heading directly to the bar like any normal person would, he goes into a creepy maintenance hallway and rings for the service elevator. We get to watch him watch the floor numbers click upwards. Then the camera looks at his shoes. It’s all completely unexciting so I don’t know where we’re headed with this. Hopefully it’s not one of those arty things where depressed people sit in barren rooms and talk about chalk.
He finally gets off the elevator and goes down another boring, dimly-lit hall. It would be kind of fun if an axe-murderer would suddenly appear, very bitter about his childhood, but I’m thinking that probably won’t happen. Instead, Mike goes into what might be a hotel room, but it’s very dark. He starts singing, so maybe he has one of those “clap on” things and he’s trying to activate the lights. This doesn’t work, so he just starts walking around.
Oh look, there are LOTS of people in here, but for some reason they aren’t moving, frozen in place in mid-conversation and such. Everyone’s very pretty, of course, because they don’t let ugly people in music videos unless they’re in the band or doing the band. Since it’s the first thing I would think of as well in this situation, Mike takes the sunglasses off one of the popsicle people and puts them on.
Well, then, that was apparently the trick, because now everybody is dancing around and having a good ole time. Mike nods his head to the beat while everybody cavorts and shows cleavage. Mike wanders around some more, singing and trying to avoid getting crushed by one of the party guests because there’s really not enough room for these people to be so energetic. Quick shot of some rude woman stopping a spinning record by just slamming her hand down on it. Back in my day, this would get you kicked out of the party, and you wouldn’t be allowed to take your leftover beer with you.
Suddenly, we’re transported to the roof of the hotel. Mike has changed into a different leather jacket, and flipped the big-ass collar on it upwards, so that he looks vaguely Vulcan. He sings some more, standing behind the neon sign for the hotel. He must have a headache, because he starts grabbing at his head after a little while.
Then we’re back in the hotel room/dance hall, and the blondie who was the victim of sunglass-theft finally figures out who took them. (Um, the guy who’s wearing your shades? Let’s start there.) She marches up to Mike and snatches them back, then runs off to dye her hair again because it looks SO natural.
Well, that makes Mike mad, so we see him run downstairs to another level where hopefully people let you steal things and don’t make a big fuss about it. (We also have more rooftop scenes mixed in with the main story, but we’re basically over that mess by this point.) In the new room, where people don’t know that he’s a criminal, he sings some more, and at least these people aren’t bouncing off the walls, instead calmly tapping a toe and eating snackies from a tray.
Mike encounters a woman with a serious Lisa Loeb fetish. She has a major attitude about Mike trying to sing to her, and keeps looking away. (To be fair, she has a slightly-pale, vegan look, so maybe she’s offended by Mike wearing cows skin.) Mike doesn’t care for her not caring for him, so he steals her glasses as well. (I think I see a pattern here. Mike failed optometry school and has been a sociopath ever since.)
Anyway, Mike puts these glasses on, and everybody in the room is transformed into early 60’s outfits. (Think “Mad Men”, only nobody appears to be smoking and I doubt if anybody in this room has won an Emmy.) Mike starts walking around and singing again, but no one is impressed. (Does he not understand that people during the Kennedy Presidency had never heard this type of music before? Give them time.) Because the scene just isn’t working, Lisa Loeb walks up and slaps her glasses off his face.
Cut to Mike sitting on a bed, with Katy Perry passed out beside him. Oh wait, she’s not entirely in a coma, managing to wiggle her shoulders to the beat. Of course, she’s wearing glasses, and of course Mike steals them. Hey, the glasses are 3-D! We’re really running out of ideas in this video! He puts them on and wanders around the room, staring at everybody with that weird triple-image red/blue thing going on. Mike seems to be having some trouble maneuvering with his jacked-up vision, but it doesn’t immediately occur to him that he could just take the glasses off.
When he finally does wise up and removes them, the first thing he sees is the lost fourth member of ZZ Top, which would make anyone willingly scratch their own eyeballs out. Naturally, Mike steals his glasses, which allow him to see girls jumping on a bed in their underwear. (Seriously, have you EVER seen grown women dancing on a bed at a party? Why does this keep showing up in music videos?)
We wrap the video and the song up with Mike racing about in a mad frenzy, stealing lots of sunglasses and experiencing messed-up visions from a late 60’s head movie. He finally has enough, and wanders out of the building, holding his head and looking very tired. Of course his head hurts. Didn’t anybody ever tell him that you shouldn’t wear other people’s glasses? Or let strangers dance in your house? Or, you know, wear real leather. Because Lisa Loeb doesn’t approve.
Anyway…
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