Searching For Signal: #170 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 30

It’s a live show, so we start off with Julie, almost bursting with excitement because the series run is almost over and she can quit working nights. She’s babbling about how, for the first time ever, a secret alliance has made it all the way to the end. (Um, they really didn’t, because Matty got booted some time back. Part of the alliance made it all the way, yes. Jules, don’t think you can lie to me just because your earrings cost more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.)

Then, on cue, the crowd erupts into a frenzy of worship. Because it’s the finale, half of them are waving those suspicious “homemade” signs that look like the same person made them all. These people didn’t bring those things from home. They were handed to them in the line.

Anyway, cue the Announcer guy to do his thing. It takes him a while this time, because he’s reviewing the whole season, but we don’t really see anything new or different. Of course, the producers skew things a bit making it look like The Brigade was a well-oiled machine that rolled over the rest of the house, instead of four guys who bumbled along and managed to survive by luck and circumstance.

Back to Jules, explaining how the evening is going to go. Lane and Hayden are going to play round three of the final HOH. Whoever wins will choose which guy to keep and boot the other. The loser will then scamper out into the studio and join the rest of the jury. Then Julie bellows “But first!”, so you know some filler material is headed our way. Let’s review some recent clips to see how The Brigade is now turning on one of their own. (The live studio audience screams in glee and excitement.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I win this final HOH, and I’m golden.” (But he’ll still have ugly hair where homeless people can live.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want the easiest person to beat sitting next to me in the Final Two.” (Think of that all on your own, did ya?) “Trouble is, I don’t know if that’s Hayden or Enzo.” (Then one of his biceps distracts him and he’s really not sure what he was talking about.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m screwed right now… I’m the mastermind, I’m the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself.” (Mastermind? Dude, you totally went to a different school than me.)

Scene with Lane and Hayden in the kitchen. They’re discussing how “huge” it is that they’ve gotten this far, but it’s hard for me to pay attention because they’re both wearing some t-shirts that they’ve finger-painted with Brigade slogans. It looks like some pre-schoolers broke into the art room when they were supposed to be napping.

Hayden and his hair in the Diary Room: He wants Lane to think that if Lane takes him to the Final Two, Lane will win. So he’s decided to downplay his accomplishments in the house so Lane will feel more confident than he should. This shouldn’t be too hard, since Lane will not be getting a Mensa invitation in the mail any time soon.

Shots of Enzo at night, by himself, still babbling about how unfair it would be for him to not win. In the Diary Room: “I made the Brigade. I put all the work into it. I’m not going to lay down and die.” (This guy seriously has an altered perception of reality. Must be nice to live there.)

Hayden and Enzo on the patio. Enzo is still whining about having no power, Hayden is trying to appear supportive. “You still have a chance. Best social game ever in the history of Big Brother.” (Um, no. Sorry.) Enzo whines some more. “I only won one POV. They’re gonna chew me up.” (Well, it’s a little late to be worrying about that now, Slacker Boy. Maybe if you had taken your hands out of your pants, you might have won a few more things.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Maybe I should take Enzo.” He didn’t do squat. (Hayden, neither did you, until it got down to the end, and there was nobody in the house. Of course you’re going to win some things at that point. Enzo was too lazy, Lane was too simple, and Britney was too busy ensuring her makeup looked good on TV.)

Lane and Enzo in the kitchen. Guess what? Enzo’s still whining. Lane doesn’t think he can beat either one of them. Enzo keeps telling Lane that he can’t win against Hayden. Interspersed with this, we keep getting shots of Hayden really enjoying washing himself in the shower. No explanation is given as to the need for this.

Jules again: Up next, Britney tells the rest of the jury about The Brigade. Yay!

Commercials. If your vehicle doesn’t have Bluetooth, your life sucks, got it?

Julie talks to the Final Three in the couch room. She asks all of them pretty boring questions, so I just sit there and wait for the mess to be over with.

Cut to Britney arriving at the Jury House. She waltzes in wearing an “Alternate Brigade” t-shirt, and immediately spills all. Of course, no one takes very kindly to this news, except for Matt. Then even he blows a gasket when Britney reveals that Enzo is taking credit as the mastermind. (For the record, Ragan doesn’t cry, but he gets close.)

A bit later, the jury members all doll up and head out onto a patio to discuss the Final Three. It starts out with Rachel and Brendon thinking the Brigade got by on luck, since the rest of the house was busy fighting each other and not paying attention. (Completely on board with that.) But the others disagree. Then they start analyzing the individual three, and it’s clear that both Hayden and Enzo have some admirers.

Rachel: “I think strategically Lane played the best game.” And off we go, some people agreeing and some people completely disagreeing. Bottom line, by the end of the semi-staged discussion, it’s not clear if there’s a real favorite. Which is exactly how the BB producers want it, natch.

Time for the final round of the HOH with Hayden and Lane.

As is tradition, this round is a series of statements made by jury members, with Julie giving two possible endings to the statement. You get a point if you get it right, and the most points wins.

They both answer the first question correctly. Same with the second. And the third. And fourth. They both miss the fifth. And they miss the sixth. Tie breaker question, answer will be a number. Closest without going over wins. And Hayden gets it.

Julie: “Hayden, we’ll be back for your decision in a few minutes.”

Commercials. One of them is the E-Trade talking babies. There’s just something not right about that mess. Creepy.

Time for Hayden’s answer and the save-me speeches.

Enzo: Whatever you gotta do.

Lane: No hard feelings.

Julie: Hayden?

Hayden: Votes to evict Enzo.

Exit interview.

Julie tries to ask questions, but Enzo cannot stop talking about how great he is. Apparently life on this planet was not important or meaningful until he was born.

Julie brings out the first six members of the jury. They still don’t know about Enzo, so Julie quizzes them to build the suspense, then they finally drag Enzo out to complete the jury. They will now ask their prepared questions.

And none of the questions really change anything. Generic questions, generic answers. If there’s any distinction made, it’s that Lane is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but we, and he, already knew that.

Time to vote.

Final “save-me” speeches of the summer.

Hayden: The bottom line is when it comes down to competitions, I won more. (He pushes it a little too far, and might possibly be alienating a few people.)

Lane: He stays more with the social aspect of the game and how he played that. Winning shouldn’t be all about just the competitions. (A bit of advice, Lane: When you run out of things to say, don’t just make stuff up. Smile and sit down.)

Each member of the jury gets to vote and say some final words. Then the votes are locked in.

Jules: Up next! Annie, Monet, Andrew and Kristen are the only ones who have watched everything up to this point. We’ll bring them back and let them spill! Hurray!

Let me sum it up for you: Monet doesn’t regret calling Rachel a skanky Ho, Kristen is perfectly willing to have Hayden’s baby, Andrew is still a total geek, and we didn’t get to know Annie enough to really care. All caught up? Great.

We still have plenty of time left, so Julie kills some minutes by showing funny scenes and discussing sho-mances. It’s fine and all, but come on, folks, let’s crown the winner, okay?

Ragan is revealed as the second Saboteur, much to everyone’s surprise.

Finally, the Results:

Rachel, Brendon and Britney vote for Lane.

Kathy, Matt and Ragan vote for Hayden.

Which means Enzo casts the deciding vote, and he goes with Hayden.

Celebration ensues.

We close the show with Julie revealing America’s player:

Britney gets the $25K.

And we’re done. 30 Reviews in 10 weeks. I need a nap.

Hope you enjoyed it…