Monday, September 6, 2010

Searching For Signal: #166 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 26

The Announcer Guy does his standard review of the last few episodes. More shots of Ragan running about the house, trying to save himself. Lane in the Diary Room, constantly repeating that he wants to take Britney to the end, but not actually doing anything to make that happen. Glimpses into lots of empty rooms to show that this place is basically a ghost town, with faded memories of hair extensions and mascara. Oh, and the HOH Competition is still going on.

Series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden, about the HOH Comp: “A lot of glass is gonna break!” (Yep, especially with Britney apparently misunderstanding the directions, and hurling her ornaments across the lawn with wild abandon.)

Enzo: “This is the biggest HOH of the season!” (Perhaps. But you’re still not going to win, right? Because no one would know what to do with themselves if you did.)

Lane, about being unable to compete since he’s outgoing HOH: He’s very frustrated that the other three are so stupid at this game. (Kettle, black?)

Britney, whining: “I’m the outsider! It sucks!” (Uh huh. And where was your sympathy when all those before you fell under the crushing weight of being the outsider? It’s a whole different world when your ability to accessorize is no longer important.)

And we head back to the HOH Competition, where the BB producers have snuck in and built a barrier around Britney, because the flying glass shards from her four billion smashed ornaments could turn this into a “True Blood” episode at any second. After a bit, it gets boring watching fingers poke through chicken wire, so we head back to the Diary Room.

Enzo: I took my time because I wanted to be very accurate. (So that’s what you’re doing now? Reclassifying your suckiness as “accuracy” so that it sounds better?)

Hayden: “In baseball, they teach us about soft hands.” (What the HELL does that mean? That Ragan would be the best at this challenge? That there was hanky panky in the high school locker room disguised as athletic advice?)

Lane, about Britney: “I don’t know what happened in your childhood. Do you hate Christmas?”

Enzo, about the sounds coming from Britney’s booth: “I thought I was in Newark. Glass shattering everywhere.” (Then his eyes get a little misty, as he fondly remembers the good times on a Newark Saturday night.)

Suddenly, we see that Britney is starting to figure things out and catch up, passing Enzo. (Okay, passing Enzo is no big, but still.) There’s actually some excitement building, as Britney’s suddenly nimble fingers start zipping along, racing to catch Hayden. On the sidelines, Lane’s jaw drops open. (Of course, this happens with Lane over many things, like the wind blowing or indoor plumbing.)

But her last-minute efforts are not enough, and Hayden wins HOH.

Britney in the Diary Room: “It’s the first time I’ve felt like no one will help me!” Then her eyes well with glistening tears, but she refuses to allow them to fall, because a wet face in the fashion world is SO not cool.

Enzo, Hayden and Lane, sitting around. Enzo: “We’ve won four competitions in a row!” (No, Enzo, you only won one. Everybody else has won, like, 700 times. You, ONE.) Then Enzo is in the Diary Room, going off about The Brigade being the greatest alliance ever. (What did they feed him as a child? We need to find out, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.)

Shots of Britney in bed, flopping around and looking devastated. Then she’s back in the Diary Room, overwhelmed with her helplessness, and finally the tears start gushing, who cares if it makes rivulets in her multi-layered foundation.

Time to see Hayden’s HOH Room, but instead of the former thundering herd running up the spiral staircase, the tiny quartet is gingerly tiptoeing along, like they’re in a museum. Once in the room, we have the normal fake oohing and ahhing, except for Lane, who is greatly disturbed by something he spies among Hayden’s goodies. (In the Diary Room: “He had girly foo-foo shampoo in his basket!” That is WRONG!)

Scene with Lane jacking around with outdoor grill, trying to get it to start. Britney tries to tell him to quit banging on that igniter, because we could die. (Britney in the Diary Room: “All I want is a simple hot dog, not my flesh to melt.”) Hayden runs to join Lane while Britney quivers at the back door. Suddenly, the thing catches and there’s a small nuclear explosion, luckily contained within the closed lid of the grill. Lane: “That was awesome!”

And this boy child is allowed to drive on our nation’s highways. Feel safe?

After this near-death experience, they traipse back in the house and find that the kitchen table has been replaced with a dinky little thing that barely holds four. They marvel at this, and then, as apparently directed to do so because it seems so staged, they sit down and reflect back on their time in the house. We learn nothing of any interest. Next.

Hayden and Lane, somewhere, reflecting on the final strategies. Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna want me at the end.” Lane begs to differ, and they end up basically promising never-ending devotion no matter what, even though neither one of them really means it. (Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ll say whatever Hayden wants to hear.” Now, how do I get out of this room again?)

Enzo and Hayden, somewhere, discussing performance abilities. Enzo is whining that he never wins anything. Hayden begs to differ, saying “I’ll let you win if you take me to the Final Two.” (At Hayden’s words, the BB producers insert one of those dramatic noises on the soundtrack, so I don’t know if they know something we don’t, or if they’re just messing with us.)

Hayden, Lane and Britney are sitting at the kitchen table, bored. They suddenly spy a giant pig out in the courtyard, and race in that direction to see what’s up, because any activity is better than having to look at each other for one more second. It’s a piggy bank, and it’s time for a Luxury Competition. Each player gets a coin, they take turns hiding their coin in the house, and then everybody searches for the other coins. Your coin gets found, you’re out. Last coin standing wins $10K.

So then we watch the “hiding of the coins” ceremony. The locations of the coins are not important. What is much more interesting is when they all race back in the house to do the search and seizure. These people tear that place UP, knocking over and breaking things, shoes and bras flying through the air.

Enzo finds Hayden’s coin. (Hayden and his air go back outside to pout.)

Britney finds Enzo’s coin. (In the Diary Room, Enzo whines and then bites his knuckle. What was that maneuver? It didn’t look like something a straight guy would do, in case that’s what he’s thinking.)

Britney keeps fiddling with the recycling bin where Lane has stashed his coin. Seriously, she goes through that thing at least 46 times without success, while Lane stands nearby and keeps weakly saying “we’ve already checked that”. Suddenly, she hits pay dirt and celebrates just a little too much over winning the money. (Britney, say this word with me: “Target”. Quit bouncing and calmly go sit down somewhere.)

Now the producers show us some filler scenes, because there’s only so much strategy four people can talk about but they’ve got to round out the hour episode. First we have Britney in the Diary Room, still bored: “Everyone just sleeps all day.” To liven things up, she goes out to the courtyard and starts beating on Hayden with a pillow. (I fully understand the motivation. That hair must die!) This turns into an extended pillow fight, with Enzo getting sucked into the action, and people are running and screaming.

Then we have Britney and Lane in the HOH Room. She’s whining about her beau back home. “I don’t wanna be broken up with!” Lane, who lets us know in the Diary Room that he’s hated Spencer or whatever his name is since he first found out about this love obstruction, tries to trash her intended. “You like girly guys.”

Britney: “I want guys who praise me” and bring me flowers. Lane: “I’m not the mushy kind of guy.” (In the Diary Room, Lane fleshes this out: “Real men will give protection, not flowers.” A date means “going to the bar for a beer and a steak.”)

Nice catch, eh? Something tells me that Lane will unable to keep any woman in his cave for very long.

Hayden and Enzo in the HOH Room. Hayden: “We gotta get Britney out.” Enzo: What about Lane? He’s guaranteed at least the $50K.” Hayden: “Maybe we should get rid of Lane.” Then they run vague strategies, but it’s hard to pay attention because they keep shoving something chewy in their mouths the entire time.

Time for Hayden to make his “Duties as HOH” voiceover speech while he stares at the sparsely-populated House Guest Wall. We see Britney, Lane and Enzo in the Diary Room, but they don’t say anything interesting or new, so we go right to the Nomination Ceremony.

Hayden trots out with the key wheel, which is now bigger than the miniscule kitchen table. Of course, at this point, there’s only the single key, which Hayden promptly pulls out. It’s Enzo’s.

Britney and Lane are on the block. No real surprise.

Hayden’s explanation speech is very short: “Nothing against you. Strategy. Thanks for stopping by.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m gonna win POV! (Do you think Spencer still loves me?)

Lane in the Diary Room: “My best shot is still Britney. I’ve got to win the Veto, save Britney, and send Enzo home.” (Do you think Britney still loves me?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I don’t win Veto, I’m probably going home.” (I love myself, and that’s all that really matters.)

Roll end credits.

No comments:

Post a Comment