Searching For Signal: #149 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 13

Okay, Jules is here, so we know there’s going to be some bag-packing and awkward moments when Julie tries to bond with the houseguests but her complete un-hipness will derail things. Julie proclaims that “all has been exposed!” about the Hayden and Kristen showmance, but that’s not really true. If there had been actual exposure of the slap and tickle, CBS would be facing stiff fines and Janet Jackson would be going “See, look how easy it is to get your ass in trouble.”

The Announcer Guy babbles that we get to learn who America picked as the new Saboteur. Fine, I’ll watch long enough to learn that, not promising anything else.

Then Julie is belching about what promises to be the “most powerful HOH competition of the summer”. Who knows what this means. Chances are pretty strong that Julie doesn’t know either. She’s just here to read the cue cards and not dispel the rumors that she has a steel rod shoved in a personal orifice.

We have a run of Diary Room confessions concerning the fact that Britney did NOT use the Power of Veto to save Hayden and his hair.

Hayden: “We had a deal! Something went wrong.” That’s fairly obvious, Hayden. I’m guessing you weren’t the Valedictorian when you graduated.

Britney: “Right before the Veto Ceremony, Rachel said she might put up Lane.” So?

Rachel: “I said that to Britney on purpose.” Tee hee.

Quick scene with Kathy and Kristen jumping into the daybed together and practically snuggling. Discuss.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room, celebrating that the nominations stayed the same and that they are young and sex is still fun. Rachel: “We get to break up another strong alliance!” (Brendon pauses. Wait, are there alliances in this game? Who knew?) Hayden drops by. Just wanted to let you no that there’s “no animosity” between us. (Why do so many people in this house insist on using words that they don’t really understand?) Rachel and Brendon (especially Brendon) assure Hayden that he has nothing to worry about.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I don’t even have to campaign.” Dude, never assume anything in this house.

Britney runs to tell Enzo that Rachel said she would put up Lane as a replacement. (That girl is just a little trouble-maker, have you noticed?) Enzo gets all bent out of shape, cussing and threatening vengeance against Rachel and Brendon. Then again, Enzo hasn’t won crap when it comes to the competitions, making his threats as empty as other things that have come out of New Jersey. Except for the “Bon Jovi” thing. That was pretty sweet.

Hayden and Kristen in some room, both of them sad and wondering if Kristen will ever recover from having to wear that wig. Britney barges in. “I feel really bad about not using the Veto, but Rachel said she was going to nominate Lane” and I just can’t do that to someone else who knows about farms. (Kristen in the Diary Room: “Rachel purposely derailed this!” Uh, yeah Kristen, she wants your butt out.)

Britney flounces off to check her nail polish stock, leaving Hayden and Kristen to waller around on the bed and feel devastated by their undying love being ripped apart. Kristen cries (surprise!) because she doesn’t want to campaign against Hayden. Hayden says he won’t be mad at all if she does, he understands. Kristen’s tears instantly dry. Really?

Britney, Matt and Ragan are in the HOH Room, taking advantage of the fact that Rachel and Brendon are out in the courtyard, most likely having sex while someone is shoved against the jets in the hot tub. Britney and Matt, for no apparent reason, are having fun dressing up like Rachel and parading around the room, mocking her, while Ragan just sort of sits there thinking “you people have nothing on my people when it comes to costumes.”

Lo and behold., Rachel and Brendon march into the room, surprising the members of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Totally busted. Yet, when Rachel is finally given an opportunity to be justifiably outraged at her fellow houseguests, it flies right over her head. (Rachel in the Diary Room: “It was hilarious!” Britney in the Diary Room: “Rachel is so freaking clueless.” Rachel again in the Diary Room: “The highest form of flattery is totally making fun of someone.”)

Poor Rachel. Not only does she screw up famous quotes, she’s clearly suffered one too many high-kicks to the head.

Cut to The Brigade working out in the courtyard, all four of them, because they have totally not perfected the art of keeping their alliance on the down-low. We spy Kristen sitting on the patio, fingering her wig. Suddenly, inspiration hits. Wait a minute, those guys are ALWAYS together! Is something going on?

Holy cow. Finally, SOMEbody in this place has somewhat spotted something that has been obvious since two minutes after the houseguests first clattered into the house. Work it, Kristen. Work it HARD.

Kristen runs to Ragan. Kristen: “Isn’t it strange how Hayden is not campaigning. Do you think something has already formed?” Ragan: “Sounds like you have your angle. Now go have conversations.” Then Ragan turns his attention back to his “Bette Davis Paper Dolls” collection and adjusts some clothing.

Kristen runs to Britney. Kristen: “Hayden will eventually align with other guys.” Britney: “Which makes me disposable.” Yo, Brit. Paying attention, much?

Kristen runs to Brendon. Kristen: “If Hayden stays, he will form an alliance with Lane and Enzo. It looks like I have three votes lined up. What’s more important to you?” Me or Hayden? (Brendon in the Diary Room: “Ultimately, it boils down to trust.” Says the guy who is utterly devoted to the woman who won’t even respond to his constant declarations of love. Good luck with that.)

Quick return to Julie, who is now promising that the upcoming HOH Competition will prove to be “the most powerful HOH ever!” Really, Jules? How so? Because you seem to blather a lot about meaningless things.

Then Julie interviews the houseguests as they squirm anxiously in the Couch Room. She checks with Hayden. “Solitary confinement was brutal!” Dude, you were able to talk to everybody in the house as they huddled outside the Swamp Room door. That was NOT solitary confinement. That was a vacation.

Julie to Britney: “Who is the most difficult to live with in the house?” Britney does not hesitate. Ragan, because his flatulence can kill. Ragan responds that all of the gases are coming from betwixt BRITNEY’S legs. The CBS producers must have hyperventilated and barked something into Julie’s earpiece, because she quickly cuts the segment short.

Julie switches gears, now babbling about “someone else’s heart, outside the house, has been broken.” First we cut to Tempe, Arizona, where Hayden apparently lives. (Which makes Hayden’s hair even more mystifying. Why would you want all that mess if you live in a place that’s hot all the time?) Hayden’s mom gets right to her pointless point: “Kristen is crazy. I hope she goes home.” Translation: Mommy has an attitude, and will never approve of anyone who is dating her son, not realizing that he’s far from the sharpest tool in the box.

Cut to Philadelphia, where a gaggle of Kristen’s girlfriends are all wearing slinky outfits and pretending to watch episodes of the show. One of the gals: “Kristen HAS a boyfriend. Already. Like, before the show started.” Oh? Then we see said boyfriend, whining about being lied to and betrayed. We learn that they have only been together for two months. Yes, just two months. This is nothing in the dating spectrum. He’s a total tool. Next.

Julie now interviews Rachel in the HOH Room. (The rest of the house can’t hear you, bellow like a cow in heat.) Julie: It’s just the two of you. Any recruitment plans? Rachel: We hope to pull in Britney. (Really? Head wound, much?) Julie: Who’s next on your hit list? Rachel: Matt. Oh, you mean the guy that you could have gotten out before now but you didn’t? Hmmm. And the whole time, Rachel is gushing that braying laughter that could make anybody take the life of innocent, furry animals.

We return, live, to the Couch Room. Time for the final “Save Me!” speeches. Hayden: “Some people don’t have any class at all.” What? You can’t even brush your hair. I’m missing something here. Kristen: “I’ve done nothing but play this game with my heart the whole time. Some people are cowards.” Fair enough. But she’s wearing that clown outfit. How seriously can you take any of her words?

Time to vote.

Enzo votes for Kristen (no surprise), Kathy votes for Hayden (and starts crying), and Matt votes for Kristen (déjà vu on the not being surprised).

Then we cut to commercial, because the Big Brother producers really enjoy harshing our buzz. (Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but you can order the “Big Brother Live Feed”! Seriously! I almost missed out on this important information. Thankfully, every other commercial reminds me of this opportunity.)

And we’re back, where the remaining houseguests all vote for Kristen. She gone.

Exit interview between Julie and Kristen. Julie: You did a great job of campaigning, and it looked like you had some votes. What happened? Kristen: “The house continues to do what the majority wants instead of what’s best for them.” (And sadly, they always do.)

Then we have the “bye-bye” video clips, where clueless Brendon says this to Kristen: You are so stupid. You lied about Hayden being in an alliance. This is followed immediately by Hayden fessing to Kristen that he is, indeed, in an alliance. Kristen sits there and just takes this all in, calm and composed, despite the crazy wig. Julie ends the chat by commenting on how well Kristen did in the game. “You played it with dignity.”

Then Kristen is shoved off to the side while Julie makes a startling announcement: “The new HOH will have the opportunity to change the course of the game!”

Um, don’t they always?

Commercials. (Live Feed! Order now!)

Jules again. The new HOH “will be tempted by Pandora’s box!” This sounds incredibly naughty, so my pen is poised to take notes. Turns out the box will contain the America-approved new Saboteur. It seems that Ragan got the most votes, followed by Enzo. We don’t yet know if either of them agreed to turn dirty. We’ll have to tune in Sunday and watch the Live! Feed! ads and try to catch bits of the show to see what happens.

Time for the HOH Competition.

There’s an enormous paint can in the courtyard, sporting a ledge on the outside of the can, along with a handrail. The houseguests are all standing on the ledge and clutching the handrail, looking a bit unnerved. Julie explains that you just have to hang on, and the last person standing is the new HOH. Oh, and the FIRST person to fall is the only “Have-Not” for the next week. Then the can starts to revolve at a brisk pace, followed by startling spurts of paint hitting the houseguests, and then a giant paintbrush swings out and starts slapping their little self-absorbed faces. And there we leave things, with the spinning, spurting and slapping.

Tune in Sunday for the results of the competition.

(Live! Feed!)

Searching For Signal: #146 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 11

We have our traditional review of the last episode, with the Announcer Guy enticing us with upcoming revelations about the “war of words” we only briefly glimpsed in the final seven seconds of that episode. Yes, I would like to learn more. So can you quit showing us shots of Rachel, lugging the twins around in “pre-back-surgery” pointless activities about the house? Let’s get to the shoutin’ match.

Sadly, not just yet.

We are treated once again to Andrew losing his mind during the Eviction Ceremony, outing the Hayden/Kristen showmance, and enraging everyone from Enzo to Mother Teresa (God rest her soul) in the process. This is followed by Diary Room sound bites.

Kristen, slightly whining: “We were SO careful.” Sister girl, you had sex on national TV, with Andrew clutching his Yom Kippur in the next bed. How was that playing it on the down-low?

Lane: “I thought they was cousins. Turns out they was KISSIN’ cousins!” Then he leers suggestively, probably because he knows all about keeping it in the family and has the Polaroids to prove it.

Hayden: Now I actually have to work to stay in the house, damn it. Is my hair still sexy?

Britney, getting all Perez Hilton: “While the voting is going on, all hell is breaking loose!”

Cut to the hell breaking loose in the Couch Room as people slip off to vote. Yep, there’s some breaking here. Hayden and Kristen are denying everything that Andrew is saying, which means they are lying out their butt. Andrew doesn’t back down, insisting that he is telling the truth, which he basically is, just with some colorful embellishments thrown in.

Back to the Diary Room, with Kathy: “Andrew, thanks for keeping me in the house!”

Rachel: “This could be a good thing!” Then the echo of her booming voice rebounds off the walls and knocks her to the floor.

Matt: “We need to get the attention off of Hayden and The Brigade.” No, you don’t. I don’t want you to. People need to know what’s going on with Mensa, Hairy Met Kristen, Incest Cowboy, and the New Jersey pussy. Anybody with me on this?

Anyway, we finally get to the shoutin’ match. Rachel has just won HOH. She actually starts the mess by yelling “Floaters, you better get a life vest!” Several people take offense to this, especially Kristen. Harsh words are exchanged. When Kristen again tries to deny knowing anything Biblical about Hayden, Rachel spits out “I heard you making out?” Oh? Well, we haven’t seen her hearing this, so it might be a lie. Then again, if Rachel’s ears are as big as her other body parts, those satellite dishes might have picked up a signal or two.

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’ve been waiting for the hair-pulling! Praying for this moment!” Then Liza Minnelli walks in and thanks him for his performance last week.

Britney in the Diary Room: “This was perfect. The target on my back is getting smaller and smaller.” Just like your humanity towards other people!

Still more of the shoutin’ match, post-HOH. Rachel to Kristen: “My priority is to get you out!”

Kristen in the Diary Room: “Rachel, you are jealous of me?” Um, what would she be jealous of, Kristen?

Shoutin’ match again. Kathy makes the apparent faux pas of wandering up to Kristen and Hayden, hugging them both. Rachel ups her crazy another notch, hollering at Kathy and making threats. Kathy responds with “Hey, I love everyone, I’m not picking sides. We just need to get along.”

Crickets chirp as the rest of the house tries to understand this unfamiliar voice of reason and balance.

The shoutin’ match moves to the kitchen, because who wants to keep yelling when it’s really hot outside? Rachel and Kristen’s vocals are just as loud in here, reaching the point where Kristen throws the contents of her water glass to show that she bad.

(Quick shot of Matt and Ragan in the Swamp Room, giggling and wanting to see more.)

Finally, Brendon and Rachel go off to one of the rooms, where she does her requisite straddle-jump maneuver, ensuring that Brendon will have hernia complications in the coming days. He tries to get her to calm down. She doesn’t appear to know what this means, having just the one gear on her stick shift.

Enzo, Matt and Lane, somewhere. They don’t really know if Hayden and Kristen have bumped uglies or not, but Enzo thinks it’s time to get Kristen out of the house. Matty nods his head and Lane tries to remember if he changed his underwear today.

Hayden goes to get Rachel, and they mosey up to the HOH Room. Hayden: Sorry about my words out in the courtyard, heat of the moment and all that. They converse a bit, with Rachel eventually crying over the pressures of being pretty and having to yell a lot. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “Just trying to do damage control.”) But Hayden keeps lying and denying about Kristen to Rachel. She sniffs despondently, and fondles the pillow that she has affectionately named “Brendon’s Left One”.

Hayden and Kristen, in the odd room that seems to be entirely composed of a daybed. They are trying to console each other without touching, which must be a new experience, when Rachel actually comes in and tries to apologize to Kristen. But Kristen is not turning the other cheek. “I don’t accept it. And I never will.” Oh boy.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “What is Kristen THINKING?” Dude, you’re making an assumption there. Can she even do that thinking thing?

Enzo, Hayden and Lane again. Rachel is crazy. Kristen is crazy. How are we going to get out of this mess? (I don’t know. Maybe one of you should keep his pants pulled up?) Hayden basically agrees that he will support The Brigade over Kristen.

Time for Rachel to show off her newly remodeled HOH Room, which means that she gets to engage in more annoying screaming as she troops about the house and gathers the chickadees. Kristen refuses to join the parade up the curving stairs, and Rachel points this out as often as she can.

Inside the room, there’s the usual brown-nosing, as people fawn with extreme fakeness over Rachel’s copy of “Spice World” and her chemistry goggles. Britney throws up in the Diary Room.

Later, Kristen and Kathy on the daybed. Kathy: “It’s probably going to be us up there.” Meaning the eviction block. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “I’m not going to back down from my friend.” Kathy is getting more and more points from me as the days roll crazily by.) Kristen: “I’m not going ANYWHERE. It’s on.”

Then we have Rachel making an appearance in a naughty, non-regulation cop uniform. She flits about and entices everyone to watch something on the monitors, where we are treated to Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg promoting their latest movie, “The Other Guys”. The houseguests gaze in rapture at this apparent slapstick fest. (Memo to Hayden: When you get out of the house and review the tapes, find the moment when they caught a reaction shot of you watching the trailer. Study it, and then don’t ever make that face again. Not cool.)

Anyway, you have to win the upcoming Luxury Competition in order to watch the entire movie. So we traipse out to the courtyard. They break into three teams of three, and then have to navigate a pretend car through an obstacle course. The first team (Lane, Matt and Britney) does okay. The second team (Kristen, Kathy and Ragan), not so much, mainly because Kathy seems to think the object of the game is to fall down whenever possible.

The last team (Enzo, Brendon and Hayden) goes on some type of testosterone-fueled binge, and they plow through the course, crashing through the final gate and landing in a formation that calls to mind certain gang-bang scenes in “Oz”. (Hayden in the Diary Room, about Enzo: “That guy loves to cuddle.”) They win the chance to see the movie. Rachel announces that, as HOH, she will be joining them. Reaction shots show Brendon becoming sexually aroused at the thought, with Enzo and Hayden looking disappointed that Lane and Matty won’t be joining them in the darkened viewing room.

Britney and Rachel take a bubble bath (Why not? What else is there to do with no cable TV?), sporting bathing suits at the moment, but certainly looking like they are practicing for a scene on that night’s “Big Brother After Dark” on Showtime. Both of them are trashing Kristen. (Britney in the Diary Room: “Hey, I gotta make sure I’m safe. So, bubble up!”) Britney: “Cool girls like to wear their pants higher than other girls.” (Shot of Kristen wearing high-waisted pants that basically reach her eyebrows.) Giggles and cattiness ensue.

Kathy in the HOH Room, with Rachel and Brendon. Kathy, trying to plead her case against nomination: “I’ve already struggled enough. I don’t wanna be punished for supporting Kristen if she has a bad day. I’m not a threat to you two.” Rachel: Doesn’t really seem to be moved either way, but she does bristle at the mere mention of Kristen’s name. Brendon: How do you even keep your eyes open with all that black gooky stuff?

Hayden and Kristen in the Pantry Room, because there’s not a bed and they won’t be tempted. Hayden: “You gotta talk to her.” Meaning Rachel. Kristen, eyeing some Tuna Helper on a nearby shelf and shuddering: “No!” Hayden: “Didn’t you come here to win? This is a game.” Kristen just stands there, trying to remember where the door out of this room might be.

Kristen, with great reluctance and excessive amounts of sighing, finally goes up to the HOH Room (Hey, did you hear that there’s a copy of “Spice World” in here? Woo hoo!) to meet with Rachel. (Brendon scurries out like lightning just struck.) Kristen: “We both said mean stuff. But I was never gunning for you.” Rachel, really not remembering her conversation with Kristen three days earlier correctly (the producers show us), still thinks that Kristen threatened to put Rachel up. (She did not.)

Rachel: “We were friends!” Kristen: “I didn’t turn on you.” Well, until you went crazy-ass at the HOH competition. Rachel: “I’m very emotional.” (Big shock.) Kristen: “I’m very rational.” Dramatic music plays as we try to determine if either of these girls actually understand what they are saying. Meanwhile, Brendon finds himself in a broom closet and tries to figure out what happened.

Brendon and Rachel in the HOH Room, for once not engaging in slap and tickle. Rachel: “I’m not sure if I’m putting Kristen up.” Brendon stops fondling his pectorals, surprised: “She played the emotional card? And you’re falling for it?” I think Rachel cries in frustration, but it may just be saline residue from the 47 other times she cried.

Then we have Rachel staring at the wall of photos, in the requisite, obviously-staged “Gee, I wonder who I’m going to nominate?” segment where she gazes upon her possible victims while wearing something cute. Then she marches over to the sliding glass door and bellows for the houseguests assembled on the patio to join her at the steadily-decreasing nomination table. (Seriously, they have to make people vacate the actual house so the HOH person can make decisions. People today are so coddled.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “It’s best if it’s Kristen and Kathy.” How sweet. He already got the milk, why should he worry about the cow?

Kathy in the Diary Room: “I’m probably taking a bullet over a stupid catfight.”

Rachel in the Diary Room: “I want someone OUT who is coming after us.”

Anyway, Nomination Ceremony. Blah, blah, and Rachel fingers Kristen and Hayden.

Rachel: “I haven’t seen you two fighting to win this game.” (Fair.) “You’re gunning for me and Brendon.” (Sort of fair. Hayden has been gunning. Kristen has been painting her toenails.) “Bring it on.” (Not necessary. And somewhat stupid.)

We end with more Taxicab Confessions in the Diary Room.

Hayden: “I’m going to do anything I can do to get out of this.” Except brush my hair.

Lane, to Hayden: “You just need to get rid of your sister, your girlfriend, your boyfriend.” How many rodeo bulls have gotten the best of Lane?

Brendon: “Why can’t Rachel play nice?” Why can’t you realize that Vegas Girl is SO not focused? Flashy breasts can have their appeal, but they don’t necessarily make the house payment. Prioritize.

Rachel: “I want my enemy out of this house.” Really? Kristen wasn’t your enemy until you made her one. You need to settle down and think strategically.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #145 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 10

Okay, so there’s the review of the last episode, which mainly deals with Andrew going off the rails at the Veto Ceremony. Other than that, same old.

Then Julie appears, wearing an odd dress with some ill-advised zipper placement. She babbles about Matty for a while, and mentions that two floaters are on the block. Which begs the question. Who in this house isn’t? Sigh. I miss Janelle.

More shots of Andrew being weird, which leads to another series of Taxi Cab confessions in the Diary Room as people ponder Andrew and his twistedness.

Britney: “I’m so confused!” This doesn’t surprise me, Britney. It certainly shouldn’t surprise YOU. Then again, by some random fluctuation in the world, you will probably end up in the final four. Just sayin.

Rachel: “This house is full of haters!” Whatev. You really need to calm down.

Kathy: “I have no idea what that speech was about!” Agreed. But the same thing could be said about your cosmetic skills.

Andrew: He still thinks he did a really smooth thing. I’m thinking the short shorts from the surfboard competition have caused permanent damage. Just a guess.

Cut to Brendon and Rachel in one of the 412 rooms. She’s all mad at Andrew, snarling and crying and gazing with hatred upon inanimate objects. Speaking of, Brendon tries to calm her down by telling Rachel that Andrew’s speech was all planned. Wrong move. This makes Rachel twist off even more, thinking she’s being kept in the dark. Brendon proceeds to kiss her to make her shut up. They have the sex.

Britney, Lane and Ragan (there’s a combination), sitting around and discussing the exciting Veto Ceremony. They think that Rachel was faking her reaction, which is interesting, since she really wasn’t in on the staged drama. Then something shiny catches Lane’s attention and the conversation is over.

Matt calls Andrew up to the HOH Room. Dude, people are very suspicious about your little performance. Andrew appears shocked, thinking his delivery was sterling and worthy of awards. Not. Matt: You need to talk to people and try to get their votes.

Rachel and Brendon on the patio, snuggling yet bickering. She’s still mad about not being informed of Andrew’s plan. He tries to be appeasing and repentant, but she doesn’t understand either of those words, so he gets frustrated. In desperation, he utters “I love you!” and then buries his head among the twins. She completely ignores this and keeps harping. Um, Brendon, there’s your sign. Run.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I might have just lost the best thing I ever had.”

You’ve known her three weeks. And she didn’t even care when you said the L word. Why are people so stupid?

Scene with Kathy and Ragan, where she reveals that she has had cancer, and the treatments led to leukemia. “My son needs a chance at a better life.” Okay, no idea if this is a true story, but if it is, Matt is more of a dog than ever.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He was originally going to vote for Kathy to leave, because he really likes Andrew (go figure), but now he’s reconsidering. Then he recreates Liza Minnelli’s showstopper from “Cabaret”. One of the grips filming the scene cries.

Next we have Kathy talking to Kristen, sharing the details of being pregnant at 18 and how the people in high school treated her for such. Kristen appears sympathetic. Andrew, across the courtyard, glares at the two as if Satan just arose and spit in his face.

Andrew in the Diary Room: “I resent not getting emotional support from these people.” Really? Then perhaps you should actually try talking to them instead of beating on non-responsible objects in the swamp room and bellowing animal noises.

Cut to Andrew crying in the swamp room, then digging for gold in his nose. Nice.

Kathy is about to step into the communal shower, with Kristen nearby, gazing into a mirror and trying out various movie-star hairstyles, when Andrew suddenly marches up. “You two are playing me like a fiddle. Don’t do it anymore!” Then he turns to scamper away, because he’s SO manly.

(You can almost hear the BB producers going “Where did THAT come from?”)

Kristen is not impressed. “I don’t appreciate that at ALL. We’re gonna have a nice little chat.” As Kathy finally escapes into the shower, hoping to wash away the slime of the Big Brother craziness, Kristen marches off to find Andrew.

And they get into it, big time. To be fair, Kristen tries to remain rational and fair-minded. But Andrew has gone off the deep end, completely delusional and spewing paranoid crap. Kristen finally has enough. “You’re gonna dig your own grave!” Andrew counters with the unoriginal “YOU are gonna dig YOUR own grave!”

The entire house hears the yelling. Oh boy.

Matt, Enzo and Hayden in the HOH Room, once again trying very hard to not at all hide their alliance. The general consensus is that they need to keep Andrew in the house as a distraction, because he’s so messed up. On the flip side, Kathy will target them for having nominated her. (But Kathy can’t win squat. How can she target you?)

Back to Julie: “Matt told a lie, and created a controversy outside the house.” Ya think?

Boring commercials. I already have a Swiffer, thanks.

Jules again, and she chats with the houseguests. There’s a boring Rachel segment where we learn nothing new. Then Julie queries Lane about what he misses from the real world outside, and he surprises no one by saying he misses spot-lighting and fishing. (Another debit for Texas.) Julie ends the roundtable by making fun of Britney teaching Enzo how to speak proper English. Julie appears to be really invested in this, cackling gleefully as Enzo is made out as an idiot. (Not a big leap.) Then Julie announces that there will be a one-week break from anybody being on slop. Everyone in the house appears to be on the verge of having sex with her out of gratitude.

We get to meet Matty’s wife, to hear her thoughts on being portrayed as a helpless woman with a bone disfiguration. “He lacks all common sense. I don’t agree with what he did. But I did try to help Matt with his letter.” The one where she basically supported his lie. Nice. I guess everyone has a soul mate.

Quick sound bite from Julie: “Is the Saboteur twist really over?”

Commercials. Did you know that perfume is really cheap at TJ Maxx? Wow.

Back to Julie, talking to just Matt in the HOH Room? Any qualms with the lying about the bone disease? Nope. Don’t feel bad? Nope. Do you have any chance of not going to Hell? Nope.

Eviction Ceremony and the “Save Me” speeches.

Kathy: Very nice, very to the point. I’m going to be myself in this house, do what I think is right, and if that gets me evicted, so be it. (Actually really starting to like her, despite the frightening mascara.)

Andrew: Goes immediately into full rant mode. He trashes Kristen and Hayden, revealing their love fest, and then proceeds to inform every one of the houseguests how the two, especially Kristen, have privately belittled all of them. (Some of this is true, most of it reeks of full-tilt delusional madness.) And he goes on and on. And on. Everybody is stunned. Kristen, furious, tries to get a word in, but Julie cuts her off (“You don’t have the floor”) and then she cuts Andrew off. (Commercials are coming up, people, don’t jack with that.) It is one of the most vindictive Eviction Ceremonies we’ve seen. I’m slack-jawed. (Granted, this often happens.)

Time to vote.

Kristen (fuming), Rachel (laughing), and Britney (totally flummoxed) vote to evict Andrew.

Back to Julie. She informs us that we’re heading into the sacred commercials, but my eyes are glued to the monitor over her shoulder where we can see Andrew and Kristen still yelling at each other in the couch room. To be a fly on the wall…

Commercials. Did you know that you can rent-to-own a waterbed?

Julie again, grinning from ear to ear. Twisted houseguest reactions always result in stellar ratings. Yay team! We see the rest of the house vote, and it’s unanimous. (Ragan, the last to enter the Diary Room: “I vote to institutionalize and evict Andrew.”)

He gone.

So then we have the exit interview between Andrew and Julie, and it’s really kind of pointless. He’s obviously lost his mind and can’t really justify his behavior. The only thing of any worth is gleaned from the “goodbye” videos from the houseguests, where Rachel, because she’s SO grounded in reality, accuses Andrew of trying to come between her and Brendon. And men liking other is men is so WRONG. (“Eeeewwww!”)

Really? You are dead to me now, Rachel. Word.

Time for the live HOH competition.

Two people at a time try to buzz first and answer questions about past competitions. Winner stays alive and picks the next two houseguests. Loser is out of the game. Rinse and repeat. It actually gets very intense, and people keep picking Rachel to try to get her out. Surprisingly, she does very well, and she eventually wins HOH. And immediately bursts into teats. I mean tears.

Cut to Julie. Next week we’ll be opening Pandora’s Box. (I didn’t know she had closed it.) We could possibly see a new saboteur introduced, with America picking who will get the offer to go two weeks as The Saboteur and win $20,000 if they make it. Vote now! Okay, “let’s eavesdrop on the houseguests”.

Back to the courtyard, where Rachel and Kristen are screaming and threatening each other.

Roll end credits.

What the hell?