We have our traditional review of the last episode, with the Announcer Guy enticing us with upcoming revelations about the “war of words” we only briefly glimpsed in the final seven seconds of that episode. Yes, I would like to learn more. So can you quit showing us shots of Rachel, lugging the twins around in “pre-back-surgery” pointless activities about the house? Let’s get to the shoutin’ match.
Sadly, not just yet.
We are treated once again to Andrew losing his mind during the Eviction Ceremony, outing the Hayden/Kristen showmance, and enraging everyone from Enzo to Mother Teresa (God rest her soul) in the process. This is followed by Diary Room sound bites.
Kristen, slightly whining: “We were SO careful.” Sister girl, you had sex on national TV, with Andrew clutching his Yom Kippur in the next bed. How was that playing it on the down-low?
Lane: “I thought they was cousins. Turns out they was KISSIN’ cousins!” Then he leers suggestively, probably because he knows all about keeping it in the family and has the Polaroids to prove it.
Hayden: Now I actually have to work to stay in the house, damn it. Is my hair still sexy?
Britney, getting all Perez Hilton: “While the voting is going on, all hell is breaking loose!”
Cut to the hell breaking loose in the Couch Room as people slip off to vote. Yep, there’s some breaking here. Hayden and Kristen are denying everything that Andrew is saying, which means they are lying out their butt. Andrew doesn’t back down, insisting that he is telling the truth, which he basically is, just with some colorful embellishments thrown in.
Back to the Diary Room, with Kathy: “Andrew, thanks for keeping me in the house!”
Rachel: “This could be a good thing!” Then the echo of her booming voice rebounds off the walls and knocks her to the floor.
Matt: “We need to get the attention off of Hayden and The Brigade.” No, you don’t. I don’t want you to. People need to know what’s going on with Mensa, Hairy Met Kristen, Incest Cowboy, and the New Jersey pussy. Anybody with me on this?
Anyway, we finally get to the shoutin’ match. Rachel has just won HOH. She actually starts the mess by yelling “Floaters, you better get a life vest!” Several people take offense to this, especially Kristen. Harsh words are exchanged. When Kristen again tries to deny knowing anything Biblical about Hayden, Rachel spits out “I heard you making out?” Oh? Well, we haven’t seen her hearing this, so it might be a lie. Then again, if Rachel’s ears are as big as her other body parts, those satellite dishes might have picked up a signal or two.
Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’ve been waiting for the hair-pulling! Praying for this moment!” Then Liza Minnelli walks in and thanks him for his performance last week.
Britney in the Diary Room: “This was perfect. The target on my back is getting smaller and smaller.” Just like your humanity towards other people!
Still more of the shoutin’ match, post-HOH. Rachel to Kristen: “My priority is to get you out!”
Kristen in the Diary Room: “Rachel, you are jealous of me?” Um, what would she be jealous of, Kristen?
Shoutin’ match again. Kathy makes the apparent faux pas of wandering up to Kristen and Hayden, hugging them both. Rachel ups her crazy another notch, hollering at Kathy and making threats. Kathy responds with “Hey, I love everyone, I’m not picking sides. We just need to get along.”
Crickets chirp as the rest of the house tries to understand this unfamiliar voice of reason and balance.
The shoutin’ match moves to the kitchen, because who wants to keep yelling when it’s really hot outside? Rachel and Kristen’s vocals are just as loud in here, reaching the point where Kristen throws the contents of her water glass to show that she bad.
(Quick shot of Matt and Ragan in the Swamp Room, giggling and wanting to see more.)
Finally, Brendon and Rachel go off to one of the rooms, where she does her requisite straddle-jump maneuver, ensuring that Brendon will have hernia complications in the coming days. He tries to get her to calm down. She doesn’t appear to know what this means, having just the one gear on her stick shift.
Enzo, Matt and Lane, somewhere. They don’t really know if Hayden and Kristen have bumped uglies or not, but Enzo thinks it’s time to get Kristen out of the house. Matty nods his head and Lane tries to remember if he changed his underwear today.
Hayden goes to get Rachel, and they mosey up to the HOH Room. Hayden: Sorry about my words out in the courtyard, heat of the moment and all that. They converse a bit, with Rachel eventually crying over the pressures of being pretty and having to yell a lot. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “Just trying to do damage control.”) But Hayden keeps lying and denying about Kristen to Rachel. She sniffs despondently, and fondles the pillow that she has affectionately named “Brendon’s Left One”.
Hayden and Kristen, in the odd room that seems to be entirely composed of a daybed. They are trying to console each other without touching, which must be a new experience, when Rachel actually comes in and tries to apologize to Kristen. But Kristen is not turning the other cheek. “I don’t accept it. And I never will.” Oh boy.
Hayden in the Diary Room: “What is Kristen THINKING?” Dude, you’re making an assumption there. Can she even do that thinking thing?
Enzo, Hayden and Lane again. Rachel is crazy. Kristen is crazy. How are we going to get out of this mess? (I don’t know. Maybe one of you should keep his pants pulled up?) Hayden basically agrees that he will support The Brigade over Kristen.
Time for Rachel to show off her newly remodeled HOH Room, which means that she gets to engage in more annoying screaming as she troops about the house and gathers the chickadees. Kristen refuses to join the parade up the curving stairs, and Rachel points this out as often as she can.
Inside the room, there’s the usual brown-nosing, as people fawn with extreme fakeness over Rachel’s copy of “Spice World” and her chemistry goggles. Britney throws up in the Diary Room.
Later, Kristen and Kathy on the daybed. Kathy: “It’s probably going to be us up there.” Meaning the eviction block. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “I’m not going to back down from my friend.” Kathy is getting more and more points from me as the days roll crazily by.) Kristen: “I’m not going ANYWHERE. It’s on.”
Then we have Rachel making an appearance in a naughty, non-regulation cop uniform. She flits about and entices everyone to watch something on the monitors, where we are treated to Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg promoting their latest movie, “The Other Guys”. The houseguests gaze in rapture at this apparent slapstick fest. (Memo to Hayden: When you get out of the house and review the tapes, find the moment when they caught a reaction shot of you watching the trailer. Study it, and then don’t ever make that face again. Not cool.)
Anyway, you have to win the upcoming Luxury Competition in order to watch the entire movie. So we traipse out to the courtyard. They break into three teams of three, and then have to navigate a pretend car through an obstacle course. The first team (Lane, Matt and Britney) does okay. The second team (Kristen, Kathy and Ragan), not so much, mainly because Kathy seems to think the object of the game is to fall down whenever possible.
The last team (Enzo, Brendon and Hayden) goes on some type of testosterone-fueled binge, and they plow through the course, crashing through the final gate and landing in a formation that calls to mind certain gang-bang scenes in “Oz”. (Hayden in the Diary Room, about Enzo: “That guy loves to cuddle.”) They win the chance to see the movie. Rachel announces that, as HOH, she will be joining them. Reaction shots show Brendon becoming sexually aroused at the thought, with Enzo and Hayden looking disappointed that Lane and Matty won’t be joining them in the darkened viewing room.
Britney and Rachel take a bubble bath (Why not? What else is there to do with no cable TV?), sporting bathing suits at the moment, but certainly looking like they are practicing for a scene on that night’s “Big Brother After Dark” on Showtime. Both of them are trashing Kristen. (Britney in the Diary Room: “Hey, I gotta make sure I’m safe. So, bubble up!”) Britney: “Cool girls like to wear their pants higher than other girls.” (Shot of Kristen wearing high-waisted pants that basically reach her eyebrows.) Giggles and cattiness ensue.
Kathy in the HOH Room, with Rachel and Brendon. Kathy, trying to plead her case against nomination: “I’ve already struggled enough. I don’t wanna be punished for supporting Kristen if she has a bad day. I’m not a threat to you two.” Rachel: Doesn’t really seem to be moved either way, but she does bristle at the mere mention of Kristen’s name. Brendon: How do you even keep your eyes open with all that black gooky stuff?
Hayden and Kristen in the Pantry Room, because there’s not a bed and they won’t be tempted. Hayden: “You gotta talk to her.” Meaning Rachel. Kristen, eyeing some Tuna Helper on a nearby shelf and shuddering: “No!” Hayden: “Didn’t you come here to win? This is a game.” Kristen just stands there, trying to remember where the door out of this room might be.
Kristen, with great reluctance and excessive amounts of sighing, finally goes up to the HOH Room (Hey, did you hear that there’s a copy of “Spice World” in here? Woo hoo!) to meet with Rachel. (Brendon scurries out like lightning just struck.) Kristen: “We both said mean stuff. But I was never gunning for you.” Rachel, really not remembering her conversation with Kristen three days earlier correctly (the producers show us), still thinks that Kristen threatened to put Rachel up. (She did not.)
Rachel: “We were friends!” Kristen: “I didn’t turn on you.” Well, until you went crazy-ass at the HOH competition. Rachel: “I’m very emotional.” (Big shock.) Kristen: “I’m very rational.” Dramatic music plays as we try to determine if either of these girls actually understand what they are saying. Meanwhile, Brendon finds himself in a broom closet and tries to figure out what happened.
Brendon and Rachel in the HOH Room, for once not engaging in slap and tickle. Rachel: “I’m not sure if I’m putting Kristen up.” Brendon stops fondling his pectorals, surprised: “She played the emotional card? And you’re falling for it?” I think Rachel cries in frustration, but it may just be saline residue from the 47 other times she cried.
Then we have Rachel staring at the wall of photos, in the requisite, obviously-staged “Gee, I wonder who I’m going to nominate?” segment where she gazes upon her possible victims while wearing something cute. Then she marches over to the sliding glass door and bellows for the houseguests assembled on the patio to join her at the steadily-decreasing nomination table. (Seriously, they have to make people vacate the actual house so the HOH person can make decisions. People today are so coddled.)
Hayden in the Diary Room: “It’s best if it’s Kristen and Kathy.” How sweet. He already got the milk, why should he worry about the cow?
Kathy in the Diary Room: “I’m probably taking a bullet over a stupid catfight.”
Rachel in the Diary Room: “I want someone OUT who is coming after us.”
Anyway, Nomination Ceremony. Blah, blah, and Rachel fingers Kristen and Hayden.
Rachel: “I haven’t seen you two fighting to win this game.” (Fair.) “You’re gunning for me and Brendon.” (Sort of fair. Hayden has been gunning. Kristen has been painting her toenails.) “Bring it on.” (Not necessary. And somewhat stupid.)
We end with more Taxicab Confessions in the Diary Room.
Hayden: “I’m going to do anything I can do to get out of this.” Except brush my hair.
Lane, to Hayden: “You just need to get rid of your sister, your girlfriend, your boyfriend.” How many rodeo bulls have gotten the best of Lane?
Brendon: “Why can’t Rachel play nice?” Why can’t you realize that Vegas Girl is SO not focused? Flashy breasts can have their appeal, but they don’t necessarily make the house payment. Prioritize.
Rachel: “I want my enemy out of this house.” Really? Kristen wasn’t your enemy until you made her one. You need to settle down and think strategically.
Oh, who am I kidding?
Roll end credits.
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