Thursday, August 26, 2010

Searching For Signal: #160 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 21

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. (Britney completely lying to Brendon about her intentions, Ragan crying about something or another, Enzo finding yet another reason to compliment himself, and Hayden continuing to misunderstand that his jacked-up hair is not sexy in any way.) During this, the Announcer Guy says that Matt intentionally threw the HOH Competition. He did? I’m thinking the BB producers are once again babbling about something we didn’t see on the regular show. (Correct me if I’m wrong.) We end the review with Lane exposing his bicep and screaming “The Beast!”

And a round of Diary Room confessions:

Enzo: He’s still stunned that anyone would nominate him for eviction, despite Britney’s assurances that he’s not the target. “I’m on the block! If I survive, I’m coming after her.” (But that would mean you have to actually win something, Enzo. So I guess Britney is safe.)

Matt - “I’m fine with either one of them going home.” (But he seems to be more fine with Enzo packing his bag.)

Britney: Let me repeat. “Brendon is the target. (Then she rips a chunk of plywood off the wall and uses it for a nail file.)

Brendon: “Britney is definitely going to regret this.” (I guess that Brendon still doesn’t understand that ANYBODY would have put him up.)

Then we have Brendon in the Swamp Room, curled up in a blanket, putting on one of those sleep mask things (so we can’t see him cry? what the hell?) and then praying to Saint Rachel for guidance. Enzo wanders in, and discussion ensues, if you can call it that when two flavors of Neanderthal grunt at one another. Brendon cusses everyone in the house, especially Britney for going back on their agreement. Enzo eats SpaghettiO’s from a can.

Quick scene with Britney and Enzo in the HOH Room. She paints her toenails and promises Enzo that he’s safe. He seems to have just realized that he HAS toenails, and gazes at them in wonder. (Ezno in the Diary Room: I don’t know about Britney and her promises. She had a deal with Brendon, and look where that went.)

Hayden and Lane on the deck in the courtyard, flexing and admiring themselves. Hayden: “Matt thinks he owns this house. He needs to get back-doored.” If he doesn’t go home, he will win this game. Yo, Lane, go talk to your sister.

Lane scampers up to the HOH Room. (Well, scamper is perhaps not the right word for someone who is so muscle-bound that he can barely brush his teeth.) Lane: Got something important to say but you can’t tell anyone. Back-door Matt. Britney: But if I do, and he doesn’t go home, he’ll come after me. (Yep.) Lane: He’s going to put you up anyway. (Lie, Lane doesn’t know this.) Britney counter-offers: No, he’s going to go after one of you guys. Lane: He’s going after couples, like you and me. Now, can I throw you in the air a few times and catch your squirming, supple body?

Britney in the Diary Room: We haven’t even played Veto yet! What’s this back-door talk? These people know that I want Brendon out and they better support me. This makes her want to throw up, of course, because everything eventually does.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. (And we do this while Matt is once again laid out on the couch with his hand shoved down the front of his pants. Dude, it’s still there, you don’t have to keep your hand on it.) Britney pulls “Houseguest’s Choice” and fingers Matt. Brendon draws Lane, and Enzo gets Hayden. Which means the entire Brigade is playing Veto. So one would think that one of them would pull this off and keep Brendon on the block. Right?

Well, maybe not. This is one of those things where you start off with a certain amount of points (50), and then you gain points by accepting punishments and lose points for accepting prizes. Whoever has the most points at the end of the temptations will win Veto.

Oh, and nobody gets to find out exactly who took the prizes. Only the punishments will be revealed. Great. We can fully expect some of the people who are not on the block to easily buckle and snap up the prizes, because this always happens. Always.

And off we go. They only let us see certain results in some of the rounds. Suffice it to say that Lane took at least one of the prizes, and Hayden took at least two (gleefully so, I might add). From what I could tell, Britney and Matt don’t take any of the prizes, and Enzo actually takes two of the punishments, big ones, thinking this will put him in the winner’s circle. Trouble is, Brendon basically takes the rest of the punishments.

And he wins Veto.

At the end of the competition, the punishments are doled out. Brendon has to take a certain number of chum baths, he has to be chained for 24 hours to the house guest of his choice (he fingers Britney, much to her shock and dismay), and he gets his head shaved by Ragan. Enzo has to wear a penguin suit for a week and has to give away all of his clothes to charity

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s not the end of the world.” We can still back-door Matty. Then Lane caresses himself in a startling manner.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s livid about her supposed partners in the house. “They all walked away with prizes. I’m considering everyone as a replacement nominee!” Then she takes a high-heeled shoe and stabs one of the cameramen out of pure spite.

Cut to Britney and Ragan in the HOH Room. She’s crying and wallering all over the bed. (I guess I should clarify that Britney is the one doing this, while Ragan stands there slightly confused that someone has usurped his designated role in the house.) How could they do this to me? Matt wanders in as Britney is wailing about the Brendon thing. “How can we not get ONE person out?”

Shift to Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Brendon (oh?) sitting around discussing what just happened. Lane actually fesses up to taking the “phone-call-home” prize. Hayden doesn’t say a word, hiding behind his bush hair. Enzo: “So Matty took it ALL!” Hayden continues to hide. Bastard. They send Lane up to see what Britney thinks about all of this.

When Lane arrives in the HOH Room, Britney sends Ragan and Matt out. Then she unleashes on Lane. “You guys don’t know what it’s like to be targeted.” (Um, sweetie, Lane was just on the block. I think he probably has something of an idea.) “I’m in a bad place, and I feel used!” Then Britney flops around on the bed like Scarlett O’Hara digging for turnips in a dusty field and proclaiming that she will never go hungry again.

Lane: “I’m not gonna put you in harm’s way.” (Quickly followed by Lane in the Diary Room: “I will manipulate Britney, if needed. My loyalty is straight with The Brigade.” Really? That same Brigade that Matt is in? Because you’re not being loyal to him.)

Later, Britney wanders up to the HOH Room, fresh from, I don’t know, a Brazilian wax courtesy of Ragan and some Scotch tape. She discovers a Pandora’s box offer. She reviews the teaser video, which is just a giant box with a question mark on it. Hmmm. Then Brit reads an additional clue that her prize would be “one hour of advice with a houseguest from a previous season”. Oh? Well, then. Britney happily agrees to the terms and runs into the Pandora room.

Where she is startled, and then horrified, when Jessie pops out of the box, strutting and preening. Oh, and that one hour of advice? He’s going to give exercise tips so that Britney can look just like him. No game strategy. Just weight-lifting whilst the King of Self-Absorption strikes poses.

Meanwhile, all the guys are downstairs in the courtyard, enjoying a nice luau for one hour while Britney is trapped upstairs, complaining that lifting a two-pound weight is just too hard for girls from Arkansas. She’s finally released from the Jessie torture (his presence alone is deadly, never mind the weight-training) and she rushes to join the luau. But of course it’s over, with the guys belching and patting their bellies.

Brendon and Britney are ordered to the Diary Room, where they are fitted with fuzzy handcuffs, locking them together for 24 hours. Oh, and the BB producers have arranged that Brendon must take his hourly chum baths during this bit of enforced closeness, so they have to deal with that. At one point we see both of them in the Diary Room, chained, with Brendon fessing that the chum baths aren’t really all that bad. While he’s pontificating, we see Britney at his side, mouthing the words “Help. Me.”

That right there was priceless. We had to rewind.

The hourly chum cycle continues all night, with Britney gamely trying to avoid the chum splashing and the subsequent shower rinse. At some point the next day, Ragan finally approaches them with a key and releases the duo. Britney immediately flees across the courtyard, intent on joining a nunnery.

Matt goes up to Britney in the HOH Room. Matt: What’s up? What’s going on? Britney: Well, it’s down to you or Hayden for replacement nominees. (Matt in the Diary Room: Yeah, Ragan’s my friend, but screw it. It’s time for a sacrifice.) So he pushes Britney to put up Ragan. Nice guy, right?

Then Matty leaves the HOH Room and immediately runs to Lane, meeting up in the pantry and throwing out the Ragan angle. “You have got to talk to Britney.” And by the way, can I touch one of your biceps, because damn, they fine. Maybe you should wear my skanky hoodie, it does great with muscles.

Matt dashes to tell Hayden and Enzo the same spiel. Ragan is the Anti-Christ and Linda Blair will show up if we don’t send him home. Hayden and Enzo act like they are totally on board with this plan, but they’re not. (Hayden in the Diary Room, after the Los Angeles zoning commission has given approval for Hayden and his hair to actually remain in the house: “We are going to back-door Matty.”)

Lane meets with Britney in the HOH Room. He spills about Matt’s plan to get Ragan out, but that’s not what The Brigade, I mean “I”, want. Britney: “If you’re playing me for a fool, I will kill you.

Let me insert this: When a girl from Arkansas mentions death as retribution, she ain’t playin’. Take heed.

Hayden and his hair run to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. Enzo runs to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. He also throws in the bonus plan of swearing that Britney will be in the Final Four. (Really, Enzo? Can you even name those final four right now?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “If Matt would do this to a friend (Ragan),” then what will he do to people who are not his friends. Like me. (Sleep on that, Britney. Sleep hard.)

Britney saunters up to Ragan. Britney: Just wanted to let you know that we’re good. But people have been saying your name. (To her credit, at least at this point, Britney does not say who. ) Ragan: “Why me?” Britney: When your back is against the wall, people do things. (Very fair.) Ragan: I feel like I’m going down the wrong path. And that’s not good for either of us.

Cut to Brendon staring at the Houseguest Wall, and pretending to be troubled about how he is going to use his Power of Veto. (Why do they even do this? If you’re on the block, of course you’re going to save yourself. Unless you’re Evel Dick. Or dumb-ass Marcellus in Season 3. That was just stupid, girl.)

Outside on the deck in the courtyard, which is where everyone is apparently banished while POV winners do their fake quandary with the camera crew inside, we see Ragan mouth to Britney: “Did Matty throw me under the bus?” Britney nods, and then plays with her hair.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon wastes no time in saving himself, then throws it back to Britney.

Britney: “This was a tough decision.” Then she nominates Matt.

Which leads to a final round of Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “I don’t trust Matt. He turned on his best friend.” Fair enough. But your best friend is Lane. And he’s completely lying to you. You seem to realize that something is going on with those four guys. Put down your hand mirror and wake up.

Matt: Astonishingly, he still thinks The Brigade has his back, and that this is all Britney’s doing. Then he fondles his pecs in a disturbing manner.

Enzo: “Britney went with The Brigade plan!” No she didn’t, she has no idea what your plan is. And more importantly, Matt IS smart, whether you like him or not, and he could still pull something off. And by that, Enzo, I don’t mean himself. Dude, you better pack your bag, just in case.

Ragan: “Things have changed. Matt stabbed me in the back.” And if there is one life lesson you need to take away from tonight’s developments, it’s that you should never underestimate the power of a queen who has been scorned.

Roll end credits.

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