Breaking News: Fall Program Lineup on CowNowTV!

Dear Patrons,

  I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am about the upcoming new shows on our glorious network. We have worked very hard to ensure that all bovine orientations have been represented, despite the threatened boycotts by right-wing organizations such as Focus on the Cows and Fred Phelps’ Kill the Cows Who Stray From God’s Herd. I’m sure you will laugh in udder delight at the merriment presented by our livestock-based series. Grab a butter churn and program your DVR’s!

Sincerely,

Elsie Dakow

Executive VP of Shadows and Fog

CowNowTV

1. “Keeping Up with the Cow-Dashians”

  Mayhem ensues as the offspring of a money-loving Holstein and a former Olympic athlete (who apparently hit his head somewhere along the line) race about and spew meaningless dialogue that no one would care about if the spewers weren’t pretty. We plan on several incidents of silicone malfunction, and a three-episode arc wherein none of the “cast” members are certain who the Baby Daddy might be. 

  You don’t want to miss the mirth-filled mid-season episodes where there is confusion about the proper height of stilettos, nor the heart-wrenching encounter the clueless girls have with an angry mob of bitter lesbians who have had enough of the hair-flipping. We don’t want to reveal TOO much, but by the end of the season, there will be a startling, possibly incestuous, revelation that will make Daddy’s oddly-plastic face actually show an emotion.

2. “American Cowdol”

  Granted, we know we have a tough sell with this one, what with all the judges either being fired or opting not to return. (Well, except for Red Angus Jackson, who somehow manages to retain his current position, despite his shout-outs to the mysterious “Yo Dawg”, which has nothing to do with cows OR musical ability. And that ill-defined creature known as “Kinda Pitchy”. Who is THAT?) 

  Anyway, we’re sure you’ll want to join us for our stellar lineup of guest mentors. You will jump with joy at seeing brief, pointless visitations from Natalie Imooglia, Aeroherd, The Rolling Udders, will.i.cow, the Black-Eyed Heifers, Cow$ha, Lady Cowga, and Hall and Oats. Make sure your cell-phone payments are in order, because we don’t want pesky billing issues during the important nation-wide voting where pre-teens vote 7,000,000 times for Sancowya, who can’t sing worth a damn but has pretty hair extensions.

3. “Big Brudder”

  Once again, we have a baker’s dozen of supposedly unrelated cows locked up in a barn, fighting to win Head of Stall and vote one another out to pasture. Watch in amazement as the clueless cows bicker over the misperceived actions of others and then engage in naughty cowmances with animals they would never even consider dating in the real world. As always, the festivities will be hosted by Moolie Chen, back to prove once more that you really can only have one facial expression yet still get your own TV show.

4. “Moo Blood”

  Vampire cows. Need we say more?

5. “CSI : Old MacDonald’s Farm”

  Join us as we search the barnyard and neighboring farms for clues to a string of brutal cowicides during the Harvest Festival. No one is safe as the “Zoodiac Killer” stalks innocent Daisies and Brownies as they just want to chew their cud under the apple tree. Featuring guest-star stints from all the actors who have left the other CSI shows during contractual disputes.

6. “Twin Teats”

  In a quirky little village vaguely located in the Pacific Northwest, someone has killed the reigning Butter Queen, and it’s up to out-of-towner Kyle McAngus to find out what’s really going on. He eats lots of pie and spends time talking to the strange citizens, all of whom seem to have something to hide, probably in one of their four stomachs. Just when you think you have things all figured out, David DuCowvney will show up in bovine drag and sour your cream.

7. “24 Cows”

  A counter-terrorism unit is given the unenviable task of stopping an evil villainess, played by Sally Struthers, as she tries to destroy local cornfields. The squad is led by heroic Jack Cower, who is afraid of nothing, calmly subjecting himself to vicious methane gases coming from the compost heap. But the real brains of the outfit is his trusted assistant, Chloe O’Cowan, who uses her snappy banter and technical prowess to decipher secret access codes for grain silos, and can hack into the power grid to re-route duck traffic when third-world billy goats hide bombs in the clover.

8. “The Laughing Cow”

  This pre-teen educational program is designed for our younger viewers who like to sing, dance and eat cheese. Structured activities include learning where milk comes from, a cow-pie bakeoff, and sing-along’s with furry critters that have been carefully drugged to avoid lawsuits. Be sure to sign the kiddos up for our related book club, “Cowboys and Cowbelles”, where this week’s featured selection is “The Amazing Adventures of Bitsy Moo-Moo and Her Sexually-Ambiguous Friend Terry”. Membership kits include faux leather cowboy boots for the youngsters and faux leather g-strings for their parents.

9. “Brown’s Anatomy”

  Set in a veterinarian hospital, this high-gloss soap opera follows several budding anesthesiologists as they try to balance a demanding career with busy private lives where no one can make up their minds about who they want to sleep with. The soundtrack is crammed with songs from obscure bands, so that you will think every scene is more touching than it really is. And if the plot starts to get a bit boring, don’t worry. The writers will just kill off one of the characters and totally change things around.

10. The Big Bovine Theory

  Knock three times on this instant classic about two guys who live in a state without same-sex marriage and must therefore pretend that they like women for social-standing purposes. To obscure things, we throw in lots of scientific jargon that doesn’t really mean anything if you think about it, awkward situations that only geeky people would find themselves in, and continual references to things that Joss Whedon either wrote, created or had cancelled. If you ever find yourself bored, we conveniently hired an actress that you can stare at and go “hey, wasn’t she on the last season of ‘Charmed’?”

Enjoy!

Backup Dancers From Hell - Usher featuring Pitbull - “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”

We start things off in what looks like it might be a very fancy restaurant where there was some type of misunderstanding and everybody died. Chairs are knocked over and glass is smashed. Then we get a close-up glimpse of a turntable, so apparently music was involved in whatever tragedy took place. As the camera pans the destroyed room, we get ghosty images of dancers cutting in and out. It’s like “The Shining”, except not really and we don’t see Shelley Duvall’s ugly hairdo and screaming mouth.

Then some evil hand reaches in and gets the record spinning, and we start to see more images of people dancing. Well, I think they’re dancing. It’s basically a lot of hair being flipped around in some type of violent manner. I wouldn’t rule out electrocution, what with all the spilled liquid on the floor. Then one of the piles of shattered glass puts itself back together again, and hops up on the bar as a newly-restored bottle of liquor. So the ghosts and/or the hidden DJ have magical powers? Got it. It’s like “Charmed”, except not really and we don’t see Alyssa Milano’s belly button.

The music starts and more people flip their air. We see Usher walking up some stairs, and just in case we aren’t sure who he is, someone body whispers “Usher” repeatedly on the soundtrack. (He’s not vain at all, is he?) Then Usher starts doing some dance moves, because that’s what he’s all about. Of course, he’s got shades on even though it’s very dark in the club, because that’s one of the requirements of music videos. Oh, and he sings, too, in case you were wondering.

Apparently the extras have been told to stay away from the star, because he has a big chunk of the dance floor all to himself. Or maybe it’s some kind of insurance thing, because Usher likes to kick a lot. The main Usher keeps dancing, but we also have shots of him wandering through the gyrating crowd, probably trying to figure out where the bathroom might be. No one stops flipping their hair long enough to provide directions, which is a little sad.

Then we start to realize the Ushers are moving at one speed, while the big-haired dancers are moving at another. Not sure what that’s all about. It’s kind of fun and different at first, but quickly becomes slightly annoying. This continues for a bit. (I should also point out a few other music video requirements: It’s important that all the nameless dancers raise their hands over their heads at exactly the same time, and it’s okay if your whipped hair gets in your face, because a nice fan will blow it out of your way for you.

More singing and dancing from Usher, more sexual writhing by the assembled dancers, and more shots of the mysterious DJ jacking around with the record on the turntable. (At one point, we see that Usher is apparently a fan of that mystifying “pants on the ground” mess. It’s only a short piece, but his pants are clearly way south of his waist, and I’m disappointed that yet another music star is reinforcing dressing habits that will ensure certain youngsters will never get a promotion at their jobs.

Then Usher is doing some kind of running-slide thing in a big room, and he expertly skids to a halt in front of a large window. Behind him, two women are posed against the window glass like limber black windows. (No explanation is given, they’re just there.) Usher does some more dance steps, fiddling with a hat. Turns out he was performing some sort of wake-the-dead ceremony, because the spider-women come alive and start dancing with him to show their gratitude. It’s like “Interview with the Vampire”, except not really and we don’t get to see Tom Cruise with totally-wrong blonde hair.

Usher and the preying mantises boogie for a bit in synch, mixed in with some shots assuring us that Usher is still wearing his shades, so you can rest easy on that point. Then they line up and do some Hindu business so it looks like he has six arms. Again, no idea why we’re seeing this, but it looks really hip with the strobe lights, so that’s probably the only motivation. Then Usher dances away and leaves the spider chicks to devour one another. It’s like “Mean Girls”, except not really and we don’t get to see Lindsay Lohan before she lost her mind and started wearing lots of leather.

Usher heads back to the main dance room, and they start screwing around with the speed of the other dancers, making Usher look really cool because he’s still got his smooth moves, but everybody else seems to be badly in need of a better pharmacist. (The bad drug regimen still doesn’t stop these poor folks from jumping in the air and flipping their hair. This is gonna burn like Pilates in the morning, people.)

Oh wait, did we just see the DJ’s face? Looks like he’s wearing modified ski goggles, which is stupid, but I guess if Usher can do it, so can he.

Doesn’t really matter, because we quickly cut to Pitbull in another part of the bar, surround by shimmying lovelies, because that’s in his contract. (He also has shades on, so it’s a wonder any of these people actually found their way home.) He raps away with his usual thing, all about he’s the greatest stud this world has ever seen and the womens can’t wait to have sex with him. Speaking of, someone should probably tell the bevy of anorexic starlets around him that they are supposed to be in love with him, and not in chatting to one another about who has the best Cosmo recipe.

Cut back to Usher in the main part of the dance floor. The extras have cleared a space for his royal presence, but a select few of the underlings have been allowed to dance with him. These extras dash about and strike poses, not really dancing, including one enterprising floozy whose signature move appears to be bending over and waving her fanny at Usher. He’s not really that interested, having seen that move a hundred times, so she’s replaced by some guy in white spandex that thinks he’s Ziggy Marley.

Suddenly, Usher jumps about five feet in the air, his mouth wide open and wailing one of the song notes. (Chili dogs kick in?) When he lands, the select dancers kick it up another notch, with everybody really bouncing around, so I guess they all ate at the same restaurant. They seem really invested in doing one move where they put one hand behind their head and flap their arm like a half-ass “chicken dance”. This does nothing for me. I tried, but no.

And that’s basically it, we have about 30 more seconds of the same thing: people dancing on the ceiling, producers jacking with the film so it appears that everyone but Usher has motor-skill issues, and Pitbull is still off on the side, praising himself while his disinterested harem just sits there and waits for a paycheck. Then Usher and the featured dancers all touch their left breasts at the same time, and the song ends.

Usher thanks the mysterious DJ and then wanders off while the sunrise is apparently streaming through the windows. Interestingly enough, Usher is not wearing his sunglasses at this time. Perhaps I should send him an instructional brochure…

　

　

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