Friday, September 30, 2011

20 Perfectly Good Reasons To Keep Playing On Facebook Instead of Living An Actual Life

1. I need to make sure that people aren’t stalking me by stalking them first. (Wait a minute, Billy Bob just started playing “Cityville” two seconds after I did. He must want me. But he is so not gonna get some of this. Unfriend.)

2. I want to change my profile pic so I’m waiting for someone else to use a good one that I can steal. (Which they probably stole from somebody else. Ever notice that there are only about five profile pics out there, especially around election times?)

3. I’m sure that somebody will eventually post a status that they want me to repost for at least an hour, and I don’t want to disappoint them. (Except for the posts that include “97% of you won’t dare repost”. Now you’re just being confrontational, and that’s not pretty.)

4. There’s that one last person I still haven’t connected with from high school. I don’t really remember her, but she’s in the yearbook and I like a complete set. (Even if she was only at our school for one semester and smelled like wet dog. I love everybody.)

5. My crops will be ready in two hours. (Why waste all that time logging out and back in?)

6. I don’t have anywhere to be in the morning. (Except at the coffee maker.)

7. I’m sure that Boo’s parents will be releasing another video of him any minute, filmed in that oddly-clean apartment where he lives. (I have never seen anything out of place. Ever. That’s almost as creepy as Boo.)

8. I can get ideas for how to redecorate my house by looking at other people’s examples of doing things that didn’t work. (When did macramé come back in style?)

9. I can socialize without having to put my pants on. (This becomes increasingly more important the older you get.)

10. I can click “like” on the comments of people I hardly know just to make them wonder. (Hey, who is that? Is he stalking me?)

11. Why clean the house? It’s just going to get dirty again. (And when you clean, you can’t find things, and this leads to harsh accusations and divorce.)

12. Someone will eventually post a video of rednecks doing stupid things while wearing trashy outfits. These things please me. (Yes, you run the risk of seeing your own relatives as cast members, but you have to take chances, right?)

13. I no longer have to watch my favorite TV shows, because some fool is going to spill all the plot details before I can even turn on the DVR. (Did it ever occur to these Paul Reveres that not everybody watches the shows live, and that riding your horse through the night, screaming about who won “Big Brother”, can get you shot?)

14. The Constant Clicking is actually kind of soothing. (Wait, wasn’t that a k.d. lang song?)

15. You can learn an amazing amount of useless trivia that you will never use again. (Just like high school.)

16. The Facebook-within-Facebook scroll on the right is annoying but hypnotizing. (Wait, Jody Sue just joined the “Sexy Prophets of the Bible” fan page? The little tramp.) Suddenly it’s three days later and the lawn still hasn’t been mowed.

17. There’s still beer in the fridge. (I need something to do while I drink that.)

18. Watching the scrolling feed of inane people spouting way too much information about their personal situations makes me feel better about my own life. (Honey, we really don’t need to know about that rash. And stop sleeping with people when you don’t even know their full name.)

19. It’s nice that so many people want to add me to their Birthday Calendar. (I don’t really know you, but thanks for counting the rings on my tree. Are you sending me a present?)

20. Why bother trying to get anything else done? The Republicans are just going to block me anyway. (Well, until November 2012.)

Peace in.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Sagacity Redux #2

Psssst. Come over here with me for a second. I want to ask you about something.

It’s okay, I won’t tell anybody that we’re talking. Dad’s the word. But I had to visit with somebody about this, and you’re wearing a really cute blouse, so I thought, what the hell, engage a fashion-conscious stranger and let’s see where it goes. Worse things have happened.

Anyway, possibly new best friend with your attention-getting couture, I did something in the last few months that is new for me. You see, I do this blog thing, where I typically write posts about this and that, posts that are often very long and involve detailed plotting. In fact, some of these posts turn into multi-part ramblings, stretching into eternity and resulting in thousands of words about something as simple as a random entry on a restaurant menu concerning shellfish.

I have issues with dragging things out a bit. Duly noted.

But some important people in my life have recently suggested that I should tone down that epic aspect, and instead head toward a less-intense place where I get to the point, maybe throw in a joke or two, and then seal everything up with a slightly-bitter kiss. Based on my abysmal blog stats lately, I was forced to acknowledge that this might be sage advice.

Directness, joke, sign off. Got it.

So I tried this with a recent post, entitled “Sagacity Redux #1” (notice the theme?), wherein I got right to the point and spilled personal details. This was a bit startling for some of the core group of followers who happily read everything I send forth (and I love them for doing so), but, more importantly, it generated some reactions that I’m not quite used to receiving whenever I click “post”.

Firstly, there was confusion over that blog title. Sagacity Redux. What the hell is that? Well, it was a (possibly weak) attempt on my part to coin a catchphrase. Actually, that’s a bit bold, I wasn’t meaning to do something so illustrious. I just wanted to capture a new focus in my blog life, a definite decision to give color and texture to a recent choice to actually stop caring about whether or not people are offended by my blog posts.

“Sagacity Redux“, in short, and despite what linguists and English-language scholars and other insufferably dreary anal-obsessive people might think, is my way of announcing a “return to clarity”. That’s what I want it to mean, and that’s what it’s going to mean. I’m hacking my way out of the dense forest of political-correctness and back into the open field of unadorned, unsweetened, simple truth. At least as I see it.

Secondly, and I’m tipping my hat to my dedicated blog enthusiasts (did I mention that I love you?) once again, there was an outcry that my long-form stories would cease. This is hardly the case. I shall not fail in my epic-centricity. (Yes, I’m making up another phrase. Once you let the cat out…)

I promise whole-heartedly to continue turning a minor, two-second incident involving lip gloss into a twenty-part post-fest that will ramble on for three months. Thus I swear.

But there is a twist now. Mixed in with these extended travelogues and episodic character arcs where we watch beloved story-people transition over time into something we would never have imaged 12 posts ago, we will have the succinct, direct invectives that have rattled around in my brain yet have been ignored in deference to keeping everyone happy.

That is no longer the case. Forthwith, no limits.

Because really, haven’t the decent people played nice for way too long?

So here’s a little taste:

The rabid foaming-at-the-mouth coming from the Far Right, with their inane desire to totally destroy this country just to prove a pointless point based on a crazed conceptualization (wait, was that word too big for you?) of what a society should be, is something that should be stopped at all costs. What happened in your childhood that completely sucked the humanity out of your disillusioned, vindictive, history-defying, racist shell of a soul?

And stop pointing at bibles and higher powers and expense accounts from the Koch brothers to justify your actions. This is on YOU. You have completely missed the boat on this, adrift in a sea of your own making, waters populated by subhuman primates who grunt and clap at the destruction and death of people they don’t like, a wailing, cancerous congregation of desecration, bowing low at the altar of ignorance.

(My apologies to the peaceful gorillas and orangutans of the world. No offense intended, that “primate” business just spilled out in the passion of the moment. Love that outfit you‘re wearing, really do.)

Okay, then. Said and done. Quite cleansing, actually. I’m sure that some of my blog followers will hit the delete button and scurry for the hills. Fine by me. I’ve moved beyond the minefield of playing nice and trying to make everyone happy. And I’ve arrived at the intersection of Do The Right Thing and Get Off My Planet If You Don’t Have A Soul.

Stay tuned. And thank you for sticking with me this far. Peace….

Friday, September 16, 2011

Michelle Bachmann Interprets The Bill Of Rights (With Assistance From Jesus)

Note: Michelle was recently asked to speak about the original amendments to the Constitution during a meeting of the Daughters of White People convention. Why this invitation was extended, we may never know, but we were able to find Michelle’s rumpled and stained speech notes in a discarded box of Reversion Therapy pamphlets. Let’s peruse, shall we?

I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Holy cow! This really IS in there. Right at the top of the page. Well, I can’t let this get out. Um… okay, I’ll make a joke about Obama, something about his ears, then I’ll say what it really means is “God formed this country because he was mad at people not listening to him and we need to put Church before Congress!” (I always have fun saying things like that, even if I don’t really know what it means.)

I’m not going to worry about the “peaceably to assemble” and “redress of grievances” part. My people don’t understand big words, they won’t care. And we’ll have Fox News say that Obama put that part in with his stimulus package.

II. A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Oh, this is the one that Sarah keeps babbling about. Good, she was right, we can shoot people whenever we want and nobody can stop us. Not sure why they’re talking about “bears” though, I’ll have to ask Sarah, she’s the one that hunts so she can get more votes. And the “fringe” stuff? Like on a dress? Maybe Marcus knows, he likes pretty clothes.

And what’s a “militia”? Is that one of the Obama kids?

III. No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

What is THIS? No idea. Um, let’s change it to say that Social Security should not be quartered in the House of Representatives, and that means we have to get rid of it. Does that make sense? I think so, but check with John B., he knows about people being in a House when they shouldn’t be.

IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Wait, I thought the Patriot Act got rid of all this crap. No wonder those ungodly liberals whine so much. Note to self: Check with George II to see why he didn’t have this changed like he was told to do. But make sure Marcus is still protected, can’t run a primary with a trial going on. Also check for Bible passages about The Lord owning your body, soul and real estate, and how you are his special proxy on Earth.

V. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or the militia, when in actual-

This one’s too damn long. (Whoops, sorry Jesus.) And they threw me off with that Obama kid again. Wait, further down, there’s the part where you don’t have to be a witness at your own trial. The Lord is good, yes He is, He protects his proxies and stuff. Check with Legal: Can you even put a Messenger of God ON trial? I wouldn’t think so. So I’m going to say you can’t, that God’s law trumps all. (I am SO good at this!)

VI. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Oh, hell no, ALL of this has got to go. This makes it sound like you have to have facts and stuff, and that’s no way to run a campaign or a government, facts just get in the way of the message. And witnesses? You get RID of witnesses, you don’t want them talking to nobody. Check with Legal: If I only say something on TV and not in a courtroom, I’m not liable, right? Oh, screw it, Jesus loves me, this I know. And it’s not like our people care about the laws.

VII. In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury-

I don’t even have the time for this one and I don’t care. I’ll skip it and make another joke, something smarmy about that satanic Rachel Maddow and her stupid percentages and polls. My people can’t count past three. Be sure to mention the lesbian bit. That always gets a redneck to put down his beer and pick up a misspelled picket sign that supports my platform, him and his three teeth screaming on the TV. (Sorry again, Jesus, for speaking of a neighbor in an unchaste way, but you have chosen me to lead them, and sometimes it’s a little bit hard. Blessed be.)

VIII. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Hmm. Not sure about this one. Sounds good, because sometimes our Christian Army is temporarily felled by lawsuits from the Unbelievers, and we need to get them out of the jails as soon as we can, back to praying and not watching anything but Fox News. Don’t really care, though. Check to see what Rick P. thinks about this one, and then support the other side. (I have better hair than he does and I deserve to win. Texas already had a good long run at taking over this country, now it’s my turn.)

IX. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

No idea. But I like how that first part sounds, and I can turn it into a speech. “The enumeration in the Constitution guarantees that anything I vote for is right!” Or something like that. Don’t really care for the bit about not getting to deny people things. That’s just not my nature. Find another Bible passage to negate that, something Old Testament.

X. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Oh, this is the one that Rick P. likes. Not sure if he’s read the whole thing, though, especially the part at the end about “or to the people”. That sounds like they can go against what the governor wants. Well, at least the number of rednecks in Texas outnumber the people who actually think, so he’ll probably keep winning. Lucky bastard.

Sorry again, Jesus, for the cursing. It’s just that a woman has needs, and it’s been a very long time. A little tense, here. But I’ll get through it, I know you want me to, even though you stopped returning my phone calls and I only hear from you when the meds are kicking in. Love and kisses, Michelle.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

10 Things I Learned From Watching The “Big Brother” Finale

1. Julie can be really bitchy.

We sort of already knew this, with her “I need an answer NOW!” barking whenever one of the contestants hesitates a fraction of a second before answering a trivia question, and the way she can have that “cobb in butt” look when interviewing some of the evictees. But last night she really had something wedged, and didn’t even let some folks finish a sentence. (Maybe it’s because the producers made her start out the show by high-fiving audience members, looking like she couldn’t wait to sterilize her hands as she tottered down the steps in her ugly designer shoes.)

2. Adam is delusional.

All summer long: “I’ve really gotta step up to the plate now! It’s time for me to win this one and show everybody what I can do! I need to make a bold move and shake the house up! I’m playing the best game ever played!”

Crickets chirp.

Dude, you sucked at everything. That one HOH that you managed to win? It’s not really winning when there’s no one left in the house but you and Shelly’s ashtray. And the constant roaring that you think is so endearing? It’s not. At all. But it might explain why you couldn’t win competitions. You were so tired from yelling and doing that rocker thing with your hands that it’s no surprise we often heard Julie say “House guests, on your mark, get set, and… whoops, Adam has already dropped out. Anyway, the rest of you… GO!”

3. I still don’t understand Tori Spelling’s hair and makeup during her guest appearance.

What was that? It keeps me up at night.

4. Rachel must have been really, really dehydrated.

All those times she kept trying to “cry” on the finale? There were no actual tears. Nothing. Oh, she had the fluttery hand movements and the scrunchy face and the high-pitched honk of a voice. But no wetness. What’s the issue there? We know she can turn on the waterworks, as evidenced by all those episodes where she flooded the entire house with her tears every time Brendan got evicted or somebody wouldn’t tell her she was pretty. She’d be flopping around on a bed, wailing and gushing saline, while poor Jordan is forced to fight for her life in the rising waters by clinging to one of Rachel’s Vegas-style breasts.

5. Kalia is just an angry person.

Everything makes her mad. Everything. And she supposedly writes a sex column back in the real world? How? Don’t you actually have to have sex with people before you can write about it? And I’m thinking she’s always too pissed off to ever have an actual orgasm. Of course, maybe she and Adam could try to hook up, giving them both the opportunity to just lay there and talk all about what they need to do without actually doing it.

6. I’m fairly certain that Lawon is still waiting to be granted a “special power” and sent back into the house.

Notice how he kept looking around the stage for someone that might hand him a sparkly wand. Notice how Julie purposely avoided asking him any unnecessary questions because nobody would understand his answers anyway. (“I’m gonna be all everywhere and BANG and WHAT?! Sure am!”) Notice how once again the BB producers have avoided hiring a gay man that is actually masculine and will kick your ass instead of sew sequins on it.

7. I just realized that I have been spelling Daniele’s name incorrectly all season.

This is probably why she didn’t win, and not the “let’s pull a power move before we even get in the house” strategy that backfired a couple of times and made things a bit unpleasant for her. My bad. But really, Danielle should have two “L’s”, right? No wonder she’s so bitter and unsatisfied. Note to expecting parents: Don’t pick trendy names for your offspring. It can keep them from winning competitions, and might lead to bad decisions about alliances and hair-coloring choices.

8. The producers try to influence the direction of the show.

Staff Meeting Person: “Okay, unless Rachel wins this next competition, we all know she’s going home. So, hey, let’s make the competition an exact replica of the first competition she won, with her using her vindictive thighs to straddle something hanging from the ceiling. No one will notice that it’s geared toward her, right?”

Wrong. We notice. Like we notice every season. But we still keep tuning in because it’s fun to watch idiots in action, mixed in with nearly-nude frolicking, random wetness, and Pandora’s Boxes that effectively change the game play even more than a floater who wakes up on day 60 and decides to actually do something other than wear a bikini.

9. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.

You flipped so many times that I’m surprised the Ringling Brothers haven’t called you about being a featured act on the trapeze. And your final flip gave the big money to Rachel instead of Porsche. (Not that I’m really complaining about Rachel winning, she deserved it despite my complete lack of respect for her worth as a human being.) No, it’s about the flipping, honey. And, well, the inability to own your actions. And the lying. (And what the hell is an “Outdoors Industry Executive”? Did you make that up as well?)

10. I could win this game.

Except for a few stumbling blocks: I generally don’t like people. Most of them are annoying. The concept of not getting to slap folks who deserve it would be challenging. I could not remain in an alliance if all of my cohorts were stupid, especially if we have a crappy name for that alliance. I’m not sure that I could be nice to Julie Chen. There’s just something not right about her, possibly the “sleeping with the boss” angle. Or the way she insists on striking awkward poses for the camera, as if she spent way too much time as a child looking at pictures in Vogue magazine. The German edition.

Oh, and then there’s the major issue: I could not simply swing in the sex-tainted hammock and wonder what people thought about me. I would want to know and avoid too-late revelations. I would be insisting on a nightly meeting where everyone had to spill the tea in front of everyone else, so nobody ends up surprised by developments and crying their eyes out in that purposeless room that just has a big-ass daybed.

And I would be the first person voted out, by a unanimous vote according to the wickedly-grinning Chenbot. And the studio audience wouldn’t even cheer for me as I left the house because it’s the first week and nobody cares….


Friday, September 9, 2011

10 Reasons Why Playing “Angry Birds” Is Just Like Real Life

1. Things start out very simply, then it all goes to hell really fast.

First couple of rounds, you just have to knock one little thing over and you are the king of the world, with your little avian allies carrying you around on their shoulders. Next thing you know, you have to destroy an entire barnyard, annihilate 27 pigs, and realign part of the solar system. With just one shot.

Likewise, talking about your own life cycle, for the first few days after you shot out of the womb, everything’s pretty plush, what with all the warm milk and lying around and people changing your outfits for you. (Yes, you do have to put up with those annoying people doing the baby talk thing, as if you can understand something that sounds like a gerbil on crack, but that’s a small price compared to the freedom of getting to pee straight up in the air whenever you want.) Next thing you know, you have two mortgages, bitter offspring, a soul-sucking job and a drinking problem. Sucks.

2. The red ones make the most noise but contribute the least effort.

Although it is kind of fun getting to slam the little feathered Republicans into a brick wall just to hear ‘em smack.

3. You have to keep doing the same thing over and over until you get it right.

Just like sex. Only without the feeling good part. But you can still achieve a false sense of accomplishment and skill, and you don’t have to call anybody the next day if you don’t feel like it.

4. They don’t build houses like they used to.

No quality craftsmanship here. An entire structure can easily be taken down if you just hit the right spot. Which means the people who designed this game probably also worked on the code compliance regulations for the city of Dallas. Just a guess. (Caller: “Um, I’d like to report this terrible house that-” Technician: “Is it still standing?” Caller: “Well, yes, but at any second-” Technician: “Then stay in your own house and quit being so nosey. Have a blessed day.”)

5. It’s not always clear what you need to do for advancement.

Angling for that big raise at work? You’ve tried everything you can think of to please your boss and that apparent super-secret committee that makes promotional decisions at some black mass in a rural barn, but nothing ever happens and you feel like you’re repeatedly hitting your head against the wall for no reason. Welcome to the higher levels in Angry Birds. Minus the tiny paycheck.

6. Sometimes your chicken goes the wrong way.

What’s with that disappointing and useless back flip in the other direction? I didn’t tell it to do that. People never listen to me.

7. Perky songs get annoying quickly.

Just try letting that “hoedown for chipmunks” soundtrack keep playing for longer than three minutes. Can’t be done. You’ll be hitting the mute button faster than Rush Limbaugh can suck an OxyContin tab through the window screen of a rehab clinic.

8. Gamers are misunderstood people.

People making smart-ass comments about you playing a stupid game for endless hours at a time? Ignore them. As long as you are occupied and complacent, you won’t be tempted by other, more destructive activities such as yodeling or serial-killing. In fact, by wasting your life on a game that means nothing, you are actually saving the world from potential emotional and physical harm. And that’s a good thing. Go on to the next level. Make those birds fly.

9. It’s just like a presidential election.

Lots of people lined up and wanting the job, but in the end it’s all about the one who can fly through the air with the most precision, hit the target squarely, and not get flipped onto the sidelines by thieving pigs who took what wasn’t theirs and won’t give it back without a fight.

10. For the 407th time, you are reminded that you probably should have paid more attention in school.

Remember those cryptic words like “trajectory” and “velocity” and “zygote” that old men with bad breath were hollering at you in science class back in the day? They were talking about this game, you just didn’t know it yet, and if you’d taken notes instead of writing a note to your bestie about the skate party on Saturday night, you’d be much better at knocking things down with virtual poultry.

Of course, it would have helped if Mr. Scum Breath had bothered to proffer his scholastic presentations in a more useful and suitable manner. Threaten me with not passing some lousy test? Yawn. Hint that I might one day use this knowledge to conquer annoying, hard-hatted pigs in a game of Old McDonald domination and slaughter? I’d have been in the front row of the class, one hand in the air with further questions and the other hand holding a daily apple for the best teacher ever. (Hmm. That last bit sounds like the discarded part of an Alanis Morissette song.)

Be right back, gotta go recharge my phone. Damn pigs.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

10 Classic Movies, Re-Engineered For 2011

1. Thelma and Bleu Cheese

An unhappily-married woman gets fed up with, well, everything, so she hops in a car and decides to just drive places and see what happens. All of her girlfriends have mani-pedi appointments that they don’t dare break, so Thelma is forced to take along a bottle of salad dressing to keep her company. The two of them stop for cocktails at a trendy sushi and martini bar, where there is a misunderstanding about global warming and an uneducated bigot ends up dead.

Rather than being rewarded for this thinning of the herd, Thelma and Bleu Cheese are instead accused of not liking men very much, a concept that is unfathomable to most straight males and therefore worthy of incarceration. Thelma and Bleu make a run for it, but after a few poor decisions and some windswept cinematography, the girl and the condiment find themselves trapped with no escape, and decide to end the party by driving off a cliff into Cobb Salad Canyon.

2. The Gizzard of Oz

A quartet of laid-off poultry workers set out on a journey to find gainful employment in Emerald City. Along the way, they are beset by mean witches throwing fireballs at their social security cards, flying monkeys stealing their access to health care and a horrid little poppy field where people are lulled to sleep by flowering lies from a fake news channel called Fox Spews.

Upon arriving at the fabled City of Campaign Promises, our gang learns that the whole thing is an evil charade, run by an embittered man from Australia who has a penchant for controlling countries that are not his own. There are NO new jobs, and there never will be as long as his monkeys keep flying through the air and stupid people can’t think for themselves. Happily, the gang finally discovers that if they click their heels together three times, they will be transported back to a time when politicians had decency and private sex lives. Sadly, it’s unclear when this time might have been, so they aren’t sure what to pack for the trip.

Soundtrack features the hit song, “Somewhere Over the Free Clinic”.

3. Rosemary’s Baby Daddy

Home-girl with an odd haircut and a fondness for sack dresses gets pregnant despite following Rhythm Method-Acting procedures, and while her belly bulges she starts to suspect that her beau just might have promised their offspring to a coven of Junior Leaguers. Rosemary tries to tell people about this scrub, but everybody’s watching the latest episode of “True Blood” and you really can’t expect to get anything done when there’s the possibility of vampiric nudity. Eventually, Rosemary decides that raising the spawn of Satan can’t be all that bad if you get a government check out of it.

4. Star Whores

A long time ago, in a galaxy known as California, a band of resistance fighters decided that it was far too much work becoming famous due to actual effort and merit, and that it was much more sensible to be popular just because you exist. All you should have to do is find a robotic friend or two, pick out a hairdo based on cinnamon buns or related pastries, pimp your ride with lots of bling, and allow cameras to film you brushing your teeth and yelling at household servants. Bingo. Your own TV show. And nobody has to write a script. Yay!

5. Sigh Ko

A remake of the Japanese hit, the story innocently starts out as the tale of a bored website designer who, after sleeping with a married man on her lunch hour, is inspired to steal all the money in the cash bar at work and drive to a motel in the middle of nowhere so she can take a shower in peace. Much to her moist surprise, the proprietor of said hotel has mommy issues, un-medicated twitching, and a startling dexterity with culinary implements. Calamity ensues amid vague images of dripping plumbing, barren trees, and recipes for miso soup. Cameo appearance by Anthony Bourdain, despite the fact that he had no reservations.

6. Some Like It Shot

Documentary wherein NRA representatives detail their Jesus-blessed right to bear arms, fire these weapons at anything that moves and then hide under the Constitution that they never finished reading, and wear dresses while pretending to be in an all-girl ska band led by Gwen Stefani and her ponytail.

7. Raiders of the Lost Spark

Harrison Buick stars as a shape-shifting man trying to find out what happened to the rest of Karen Allen’s career. Complications arise when Nancy Allen shows up, demanding equal billing and explanations. Special effects by Short Round productions.

8. Jurassic Park Avenue

Woody Allen directs this probing account of what happens when the really old people on the Upper East Side refuse to share the secrets of their continued existence with a party of Wall Street officials seeking the continued existence of their hidden bank accounts. In typical Allen style, there’s lots of angst-ridden dialogue, understated but expensive couture, and a daycare center for Allen’s wife.

9. The Silence of the Jams

A vicious serial killer is loose at a charming country inn nestled in the midst of a Vermont orchard, and no one is safe. Guests live in fear that their breakfast trays will arrive without the exact marmalade they ordered, a sure sign that they are next on the maniac’s menu. The survivors are forced to band together and overcome terrifying obstacles to ensure they make it to the next meal. (Of course, no one even considers just leaving, because the deposit is nonrefundable.) Jody Foster has a small role recreating the “bee charmer” scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. Just because.

10. Crease

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John join forces again as singing drycleaners responsible for keeping the garments of celebrities properly ironed. They start out as a gay man and a shy lesbian, but after several rousing musical numbers (including “Hopelessly Devoted to Using Starch”, “Born to Hand Iron” and “Look at Me, I’m Wrinkle-Free!”), they can’t help but give the straight thing a spin, at least until the producers make a decision about the sequel. (Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow show up for the critical scarf-folding montage wherein love blooms amid the steam.)

The amazingly bouncy finale has the entire cast doing intricate choreography while they wrap John and Olivia’s car in plastic bags as it moves down the production line toward matrimony. Directed by Elton John and Eminem.