10 Things I Learned From Watching The “Big Brother” Finale

1. Julie can be really bitchy.

We sort of already knew this, with her “I need an answer NOW!” barking whenever one of the contestants hesitates a fraction of a second before answering a trivia question, and the way she can have that “cobb in butt” look when interviewing some of the evictees. But last night she really had something wedged, and didn’t even let some folks finish a sentence. (Maybe it’s because the producers made her start out the show by high-fiving audience members, looking like she couldn’t wait to sterilize her hands as she tottered down the steps in her ugly designer shoes.)

2. Adam is delusional.

All summer long: “I’ve really gotta step up to the plate now! It’s time for me to win this one and show everybody what I can do! I need to make a bold move and shake the house up! I’m playing the best game ever played!”

Crickets chirp.

Dude, you sucked at everything. That one HOH that you managed to win? It’s not really winning when there’s no one left in the house but you and Shelly’s ashtray. And the constant roaring that you think is so endearing? It’s not. At all. But it might explain why you couldn’t win competitions. You were so tired from yelling and doing that rocker thing with your hands that it’s no surprise we often heard Julie say “House guests, on your mark, get set, and… whoops, Adam has already dropped out. Anyway, the rest of you… GO!”

3. I still don’t understand Tori Spelling’s hair and makeup during her guest appearance.

What was that? It keeps me up at night.

4. Rachel must have been really, really dehydrated.

All those times she kept trying to “cry” on the finale? There were no actual tears. Nothing. Oh, she had the fluttery hand movements and the scrunchy face and the high-pitched honk of a voice. But no wetness. What’s the issue there? We know she can turn on the waterworks, as evidenced by all those episodes where she flooded the entire house with her tears every time Brendan got evicted or somebody wouldn’t tell her she was pretty. She’d be flopping around on a bed, wailing and gushing saline, while poor Jordan is forced to fight for her life in the rising waters by clinging to one of Rachel’s Vegas-style breasts.

5. Kalia is just an angry person.

Everything makes her mad. Everything. And she supposedly writes a sex column back in the real world? How? Don’t you actually have to have sex with people before you can write about it? And I’m thinking she’s always too pissed off to ever have an actual orgasm. Of course, maybe she and Adam could try to hook up, giving them both the opportunity to just lay there and talk all about what they need to do without actually doing it.

6. I’m fairly certain that Lawon is still waiting to be granted a “special power” and sent back into the house.

Notice how he kept looking around the stage for someone that might hand him a sparkly wand. Notice how Julie purposely avoided asking him any unnecessary questions because nobody would understand his answers anyway. (“I’m gonna be all everywhere and BANG and WHAT?! Sure am!”) Notice how once again the BB producers have avoided hiring a gay man that is actually masculine and will kick your ass instead of sew sequins on it.

7. I just realized that I have been spelling Daniele’s name incorrectly all season.

This is probably why she didn’t win, and not the “let’s pull a power move before we even get in the house” strategy that backfired a couple of times and made things a bit unpleasant for her. My bad. But really, Danielle should have two “L’s”, right? No wonder she’s so bitter and unsatisfied. Note to expecting parents: Don’t pick trendy names for your offspring. It can keep them from winning competitions, and might lead to bad decisions about alliances and hair-coloring choices.

8. The producers try to influence the direction of the show.

Staff Meeting Person: “Okay, unless Rachel wins this next competition, we all know she’s going home. So, hey, let’s make the competition an exact replica of the first competition she won, with her using her vindictive thighs to straddle something hanging from the ceiling. No one will notice that it’s geared toward her, right?”

Wrong. We notice. Like we notice every season. But we still keep tuning in because it’s fun to watch idiots in action, mixed in with nearly-nude frolicking, random wetness, and Pandora’s Boxes that effectively change the game play even more than a floater who wakes up on day 60 and decides to actually do something other than wear a bikini.

9. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.

You flipped so many times that I’m surprised the Ringling Brothers haven’t called you about being a featured act on the trapeze. And your final flip gave the big money to Rachel instead of Porsche. (Not that I’m really complaining about Rachel winning, she deserved it despite my complete lack of respect for her worth as a human being.) No, it’s about the flipping, honey. And, well, the inability to own your actions. And the lying. (And what the hell is an “Outdoors Industry Executive”? Did you make that up as well?)

10. I could win this game.

Except for a few stumbling blocks: I generally don’t like people. Most of them are annoying. The concept of not getting to slap folks who deserve it would be challenging. I could not remain in an alliance if all of my cohorts were stupid, especially if we have a crappy name for that alliance. I’m not sure that I could be nice to Julie Chen. There’s just something not right about her, possibly the “sleeping with the boss” angle. Or the way she insists on striking awkward poses for the camera, as if she spent way too much time as a child looking at pictures in Vogue magazine. The German edition.

Oh, and then there’s the major issue: I could not simply swing in the sex-tainted hammock and wonder what people thought about me. I would want to know and avoid too-late revelations. I would be insisting on a nightly meeting where everyone had to spill the tea in front of everyone else, so nobody ends up surprised by developments and crying their eyes out in that purposeless room that just has a big-ass daybed.

And I would be the first person voted out, by a unanimous vote according to the wickedly-grinning Chenbot. And the studio audience wouldn’t even cheer for me as I left the house because it’s the first week and nobody cares….

Sigh.