Backup Dancers From Hell: Daughtry - “Life After You”

We kick things off with some woman standing in the fading sunlight, staring at a hill, then cut to Chris walking back to his hotel, where he proceeds to work on his new song. He strums his guitar and sings to us for a while (because rock stars always have cameramen in their hotel room, it’s some type of rule). We then see him calling someone, presumably the sunlit woman. She doesn’t answer, so Chris goes back to singing.

After a bit, he marches out of his room and down the hall, with the camera positioned just right so we can see he’s wearing a lot of hardware around his neck and that some of the buttons on his shirt seem to have malfunctioned. For whatever reason, Chris purposely runs down the cameraman, so you know there were union meetings after that mess.

Next we see Chris and the gang piling off their tour bus, with Chris being played by Vin Diesel in this scene. Another shot of Sunlit Woman gazing out the window and still avoiding communication opportunities that might arise. It’s possible that she’s just out of range and is unaware that Chris would like to reach out and touch, but really, where is “out of range” these days? Other than places where people watch Fox News and actually believe what they are seeing.

Chris and peeps are back on the tour bus, with everyone looking bored even though a camera is shoved in their faces. See, it’s the “touring” part of touring with a band that would make me crazy. I don’t want to be in a rolling breadbox where people can’t actually ever go away and leave me alone. My band would never have a second show.

Next we have the bank folks trooping into a bar, where Chris sings some more and continues to diddle with his phone. (Sunlit Girl doesn’t answer, because we’re not even halfway through the song and she has plenty of time to be coy.) Frustrated, Chris leaves the bar and goes to the next gig with his band, which just happens to be next door.

Okay, maybe “gig” was too strong of a word. We’re in a big warehouse with no actual audience, but this doesn’t stop everybody from pulling out their instruments and fingering them. They play for a while, with the band members pretending that they can’t see the camera people rolling equipment between their legs, trying to get a good shot.

This goes on for a while, because this is the part of the song where Chris really gets into the vocals, and it just wouldn’t be right for us to cut away to meaningless stock footage of people eating burritos or scantily-clad hookers flashing their dripping crevices whilst hand-washing a car that wasn’t all that dirty to begin with. As usual, Chris hits all the notes and, as usual, it looks like it is really painful for him to do so.

Quick, confusing shot of someone possibly poking a reclining Chris with a drumstick. I’m sure I’m reading more into that than necessary.

Sunlit Girl is now in her bedroom, looking dissatisfied.

Now we have Chris and the boys getting ready for a real concert, doing the group hug thing backstage. The fraternizing is disrupted when Chris’s phone lights up. Oh? Yep, it’s Sunlit Girl, really tired of eating alone in restaurants and not having anybody to argue with about what the last episode of “Lost” really meant. Chris grins and takes the call.

We wind things down with Chris all elated as the boys grab their gear and head out on the stage. See, folks? Everything will work out in the end if you just write a song about it and go on tour. It’s that simple.

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Eminem featuring Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie”

Well, then. This is NOT a happy video. Someone needs to call their pharmacist. (Oh, and side note before you watch this thing: It’s Eminem, so there’s a bit of graphic language. This thing does not need to be playing when your boss walks by. Just sayin.)

Anyway, we start out with Rihanna, sporting a startling red hairdo and a leather hoodie thing that Grace Jones might have worn back in the day. She likes the way it hurts, apparently. Quick shot of a couple in bed. They apparently can’t afford a blanket. Then we have a shot of the woman from the bed sitting on a boring floor and holding a burning flame in her cupped hands. Poor thing. Is she cold? Did somebody not pay the light bill?

Rihanna keeps singing, despite the poverty and the sad people. It looks like she’s standing in front of something else that’s burning, but we really can’t see because her earrings and hairdo are fighting for your attention.

Then the woman wakes up and she is very unhappy that her name (or somebody’s name, not clear) is written on her partner’s hand. She jumps out of bed and then starts beating on her partner, because that’s a natural reaction when you see a name written in marker on flesh. Meanwhile, Eminem has started rapping, but for some odd reason he’s doing to in the middle of a cornfield. No explanation is given, and the corn doesn’t seem very pleased about getting trampled.

Oh, and the guy in the bed, tussling with the angry woman, looks like Charley from “Lost”. Apparently the woman didn’t like his performance on that show, because she spits in his face and then bounces around in her panties while slapping at Charley. He shares his own opinions on the matter by walloping her back. I’m thinking the National Organization for Women might have some harsh words about this video.

The couple gets bored trying to kill each other on the bed, so they move into another room. This seems to have been a good idea, because there are more props that they can throw at each other, and we have a wall that Charley can shove his fist through. That bit of rough-housing seems to excite both of them, because they suddenly start making out as Rihanna starts wailing again. I don’t think I want to party with any of these people.

Rihanna keeps holding her head while she sings, so somebody should probably get her some aspirin. Eminem keeps mucking around in the field, not sure where the recording studio is with the rest of his crew. The couple continues to make out, fight, make out, fight, pause to let the camera linger on their seedy sweatiness, and then start wailing on one another again.

The I guess we’re having flashback scenes to when this entirely-compatible couple first met. Charley’s in a bar, and here comes the woman, stroking a beer bottle like she really means business. They decide that beer is just not going to cut it, so they run off to a liquor store so Charley can steal some hooch while the woman stands around and shows us that she can steal as well, having ripped-off Angelina Jolie’s hairstyle.

Quick scene with Charley displaying a tattoo on his back and then screaming in angst. Why are these people so mad about everything?

Back in the present, Charley tries to give Angelina a teddy bear, because stuffed animals always make people feel better after having been almost killed in a trashy apartment.

Eminem is still in the field, and Rihanna still has a headache, but they’re troopers and keep singing.

Suddenly, we’re in the bar again, and Charley walks up to some guy and smashes his head with a bottle while Angelina fondles a cue stick. No other details are shared, and we go back to the trashy apartment, where Charley and Angelina are doing yoga. Then they start seeing things in the air that don’t exist, and they play with these things. Charley decides to smash a mirror and then gaze at Angelina in one of the fragments. Folk, this is why they created tranquilizing drugs. Speak to someone, please.

Back to Rihanna, where we can see more of the structure behind her, and it is indeed a burning building, probably set afire by something that shot out of Rihanna’s warp portal. Eminem has joined her, having finally made it out of that field. Right now he’s doing some type of two-step while Rihanna finishes up her section of the song and shows us that she’s lost her pants at some point.

Then Eminem starts rapping again while Rihanna picks up with the two-step and waves her arms like she’s been cleared for landing. Meanwhile, the fighting couple is now just staring at each other, trying to remember their next lines. Angelina decides that she doesn’t care what the next words are, and she and her cut-offs start marching out of the apartment, which apparently doesn’t have a wall on the side where the camera is. Charley is not pleased with her departure and takes it out on the furniture.

Next we have things in the apartment, like an odd lamp and the bed, bursting into flames. We don’t actually see Charley doing this, but we’ll assume that he did, because Angelina is too skinny to hold a lighter. Then we’re magically transported to another part of the building, where the couple keeps fighting and we are treated to the sight of somebody’s jockstrap hanging from what I think is a deer antler.

Then Rihanna, still missing her pants, and Eminem, still missing an actual plot, are singing in front of the burning building again. (You’d think they could grab a bucket of water, right?) Then we see Charley on fire, probably not a good thing, followed by Eminem back in that damn field, also on fire. He really burns for a long time. Cut back to the couple, with Charley miraculously un-burnt, and they start making out again. Did Eminem’s possible death in the cornfield bring them back together?

Oh, maybe not, because now Angelina is on fire, in the apartment that’s not burning anymore. (Who wrote this?) But she survives as well, probably because Eminem and Rihanna have stopped singing and are staring at the apartment, using their mental powers to put out all the fires.

Final shot is the couple back in that bed where this mess all started. They are slumbering peacefully, without any fighting, so they’ll probably have a nice nap before Angelina discovers something else written on Charley…

　

　

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10 Reasons Why the “Lost” Finale Can Save Your Life

  Okay, I’ll try not to get into whether or not that final episode made me happy. Let’s just say that after 6 years of investment, I expected a bigger payoff. Anyway, to keep things fun and happy, let’s focus on the kind efforts of the producers to provide us with life-saving tips. And here we go…

1. If you run across a sacred fountain that somehow controls the world, don’t pull on the shiny plug in the middle of the water.

  Well, if you actually need to kill a “man in black” who can’t be killed, then I guess it’s okay to screw around with the plug. Otherwise, don’t mess with that thing. Islands start to sink and pretty observation areas fall into the sea. And it makes it very hard for planes to take off on a sandy runway. Besides, there’s that electro-shock issue. If you are approaching an object that causes you to vibrate and your nose to bleed, you probably shouldn’t be re-arranging the furniture. Climb back up the water wall and go do something else, like hotwire a VW Bus and drink generic beer.

2. Don’t fall in love with people named Jack.

  You will never get enough validation in this relationship. Sure, he might tell you he loves you as an island is disintegrating around you, but that’s more of a gut reflex, don’t you think? Wouldn’t it have been more satisfying if he told you this at some other point in your past, like when you were in a relationship together for a few years, raising a child that’s not your own and all?

3. Don’t attend rock concerts if you are pregnant.

  This can only lead to unsavory conditions where you shoot a kid out in a backstage area while roadies freak and don’t know what to do. Yes, you might reconnect with a long lost love who has no qualms about playing peek-a-boo with your birth-goo covered child, but there are other factors to consider. Like the fact that you have to make unattractive facial expressions during the delivery process while a certain curly-haired costar gets better lighting and doesn’t have her legs in the air.

4. Don’t try to live in a secluded part of an island and assume that nobody will find you.

  Rose and Bernard, although we basically like you and enjoyed your back-story, you should have known that this whole hermit thing would never work. Yes, I understand that the producers have constantly shown us parts of the island that “no one has ever seen before despite the limited acreage”, with mystifying settings popping up just so they can make the script work. But you should have realized that sooner or later people named Desmond and Locke would invade your private sanctuary, causing discomfort and awkwardness. Just because Bernard now has unruly hair doesn’t mean that you are excluded from the rules.

5. Even if you were killed off early in a series run, there is always hope for a return engagement.

  However, this can be a tricky thing for the audience. We may not necessarily WANT to see the people they bring back. To be fair, Boone and Shannon had their interesting moments back in the day, but seriously, did we really need to see that alley fight? (And what was up with Shannon’s hair? Did it hurt when they styled it?)

  Along the same lines, bringing folks back for a quickie cameo can mess with the rhythm of the show. When these actors suddenly pop up as a different character, instead of paying attention to the current plot developments, you instead spend your time wondering “Hey, how did she die the first time? Something about kumquats?” Next thing you know, you’ve lost the story thread and will have to get on the Internet later.

6. If your mother is Allison Janney, don’t listen to her or accept proffered beverages.

  She lies. And is apparently incapable of finishing a weaving project.

7. Stay out of montages where sad music is playing and short snippets of your life are being displayed on the screen.

  This won’t end well. Something tragic is about to happen, unpleasant revelations are about to surface, or, at the very least, you are actually about to become even more confused than ever before, with mystifying screen shots of statues, and the introduction of additional characters, when you already can’t keep track of the current cast list and the opening credits take twenty minutes just to list all the actors. Oh, and somebody’s probably going to punch Ben in the face, because that hasn’t happened for at least three scenes and we can’t have that.

8. Your life will change if you just touch people.

  Tired of total strangers staring at you with a slightly misty expression, as if they might possibly recognize you, or at least think they have the same outfit at home? Well then, just march up to them and grasp whichever hand they are not using to keep their place in the script. Suddenly, you will be treated to a nice little movie that plays in your head, causing you to gasp and realize that you’ve had sex with the person standing before you, only the set decorations were a little different and sand was somehow involved.

  Then some stirring them music will play, allowing you to clutch the other person as you are overwhelmed with memories of a past life when you had a really long time-share on some island. You’ll probably cry, because it’s really emotional and you miss the long walks on the beach in the moonlight, except for the times flaming arrows would fall out of the sky or mean people would kidnap you.

 9. Avoid bamboo.

  Granted, it’s really earth-friendly to grow these trees and then make pricey home décor products out of them, but there is a down side. You should refrain from randomly wandering through a forest of bamboo, especially if you are bleeding from the stomach and all of your friends are busy boarding a plane or pouting on a rock because they didn’t get picked by Jacob. If you don’t get out of that forest in a timely manner, eventually you will fall down and die, but it will take you several seasons to figure this out.

10. If the coffin is empty, run like hell.

  Don’t stop and chat with deceased relatives, don’t ask questions where the answers will disappoint you, and, most importantly, don’t go into the church where “everyone is waiting for you”. It’s a trap. Even though all of your friends are there (or at least the ones who are still on the payroll), and they all seem to be happy that you accepted the invite, there’s one thing they are not telling you:

  If you head toward the light, Carol Anne, it means the series is over and you have to get another job. Do you really want that? Didn’t think so. Head back to the Pearl Station, lock the door, punch the button every 108 minutes, blame Penny for this somehow being all her fault even if it wasn‘t her boat, and pray that the writers can come up with a flash-forward that can get you out of yet another logic mess…

10 Reasons Why the “Lost” Season Premiere is Just Like Real Life

Note: Total Spoiler Alert if you haven’t watched the episode. If you don’t want to see some things revealed before you’ve had a chance to catch the show, then skip this for now and come back later. You have been warned.


Second Note: My slight apologies to those of you that don’t even watch “Lost” and have no desire whatsoever to do so. This post may not be the most appealing thing that you have ever come across while searching the Internet for amusing entertainment. On the flip side, you know how I work these things. I can take something mundane like the life history of the slug mushroom and breathe a bit of life into it. So keep reading.


Anyway, here we go:


1. Nobody knows what the hell is going on.

Granted, this is “Lost”, where we’ve spent the last five seasons debating everything from Kate’s amazing ability to look glowing in every scene to whether or not the angle of a tree could change the entire story. But still, the final season opener was crammed full of head-scratchers and what-the-hell moments.

The bomb did and did not go off. Juliet died and did not die, and then died anyway. Sayid died and then did not die. Jacob supposedly died, but isn’t he supernatural and can’t really die? Ben didn’t die, but you really want him to do so. And John Locke? Good God, there’s no telling what his status might be, since that actor is now appearing as several different characters at once. He could die lots of times and still be on the show.

And this plane thing, the one that now supposedly didn’t crash, filled with characters that are also still on the island and schlepping around the jungle, looking sweaty and desperate. What are they telling us? When Juliet rudely banged on the bomb canister, did she cause everyone to have split personalities?

And don’t even get me started on the ginormous ancient temple that no one on the island managed to find the first time the plane crashed. Or the second time. Or the third time, when it didn’t really crash but everyone’s still on the island. Do people just not pay attention?


2. People just don’t pay attention.

Why are all those people standing on the beach still standing on the beach after a two-hour episode? You’d think somebody would finally have enough of the standing and at least go for a walk and look for temples. And hey, you unarmed standing people, since the ARMED people keep pointing their guns at Richard and paying you no attention whatsoever, wouldn’t this be a great time for you to slip away and find a nice game of cribbage somewhere?

And the Jack on the plane, as opposed to the Jack on the island, steps into the plane lavatory and discovers that he’s bleeding from the neck. Instead of becoming concerned and trying to figure out what might be causing his condition, he just daubs it with some toilet paper and then wanders back out into the cabin. And this guy’s a doctor.

We have Charlie, on the plane even though he’s been gone for at least three seasons, trying to kill himself in one of the other lavatories. Dude, why would you go into the bathroom to off yourself by swallowing drugs? This procedure takes time. You think no one else on the plane has to pee? Of course they’re going to discover you, and someone else will race to alert doctor Jack so he can try to save the day once again even though you end up hating him for doing so. Jack never wins when he tries to save people. It’s like one of the Ten Commandments.

Chuck, you should have just done the suicide bit in your plane seat. No one cares what you do there. As long as you remain relatively quiet and don’t kick the seat in front of you, your death wish could have been granted. But no, you had to pick the high-drama location by trying to sleep with the fishes while perched on a high-traffic toilet.


3. People just don’t know when to let things go.

Two examples. First, we have Ben, creepazoid extraordinaire, who can’t seem to understand that his sensitive Dirty Harry ways are no longer the focus they used to be. Other people have come onto the show who have juicer parts. Relax, and enjoy the time in your trailer while on location.

Then we have Sawyer. He’s understandably a bit miffed about Juliet taking the swan dive into the hole and having to bang on things with a rock. Oh, and the dying thing. Got it. But man, you really need to move on. Quit glaring at Jack like he personally shoved the bitch down the well. Besides, we all know you really want Kate. It was very touching when you cried just as Juliet gurgled her last and was unable to tell you something very important, but your eye has been on Kate since she first walked past you sporting those sexy handcuffs.


4. Some people always have bad hair days.

Hurley.


5. It’s really important to be bilingual, especially at airports.

Yes, I’m talking about Jin and Sun, specifically the point where Jin is questioned by airport security about the fact that he has expensive jewelry and mounds of cash in his luggage. Jin gets all uppity about it, but of course none of the officers can understand him. So he’s hauled away to parts unknown.

Good. Because we don’t like this version of Jin, the man he was before the first plane crashed, and then he subsequently learned to appreciate Sun and her ability to wear skimpy bathing suits on the tropical beach, directly leading to her impregnation and the birth of a miracle child.

Meanwhile, the non-pregnant version of Sun pretends that she doesn’t understand English, even though we know she can because of that affair she had with…whatever that man’s name was back in whatever country it was. You know, the country where her daddy was really mean and caused her to have identity issues? THAT place. And so Jin gets hauled off. Yay.

You know, I’m only halfway through with my 10 reasons, and I’ve totally confused MYSELF. I’m thoroughly amazed that this show has managed to last this long, because it’s mytifying as hell. But that’s the charm. It’s smart TV for smart people. And really, we don’t see a lot of that anymore. So embrace and worship, yes? Because before you know it, some lame-ass network executive will green light “America’s Top Fornicator” and the damn thing will air five nights a week.


6. Greasy, unkempt people manage to get a position of power but still don’t have any people skills.

This would be the leader of the Temple Clan. He’s rude and he needs a stylist, not to mention a podiatrist to inform him that running around barefoot is not the smartest thing if you intend to age gracefully. And he doesn’t like how English tastes, so he refuses to speak the language. Dude, words don’t HAVE a taste. There’s something seriously whacked about your digestive system.

But still, SOMEbody gave him the keys to the temple kingdom, so he prances around spewing orders in his greasy dialect while depending on his John Lennon-sidekick to translate for the masses. Clearly, there have been some communication issues with this arrangement, since everyone in his tribe looks bitter and discontent. I’m sure that if we had more time, his underlings would overthrow him and end his self-indulgent reign, but we only have so many episodes in this shortened final season.


7. Annoying people never go away.

Boone.


8. Fake blood just does not look realistic. The only thing that looks like real blood is, well, real blood.

Sawyer is the spokesmodel for this segment, but we can also finger Juliet, Sayid, Hurley, Jack, Miles, and about twenty-odd extras that didn’t have an actual speaking part but died for our viewing pleasure anyway. You’d think that, by now, somebody would have invented a concoction that reasonably passes as real blood. Instead, we have all these people looking like they just survived a strawberry-pie eating contest, rather than surviving exploding bombs, rude temple people with territorial issues, and gunfire.


9. Always be nice to your flight attendant, because you never know when she might show up in the most unexpected places.

I’m talking about Michelle, at least I think that’s what her name is. She’s been on all the plane flights, whether they crashed or not. (This might be a lie. I currently can’t open my Excel spreadsheet of all the characters, so there are potential gaps in logic. But really, does it matter? We’ve already established the fact the no one ever truly dies on this show.)

In any case, be courteous with the stressed woman inquiring if you prefer the fish or the chicken, since there’s the distinct possibility that you could encounter this beverage servant at a later date. You should not be surprised if one day you find yourself surviving a plane crash, enduring serpentine plot twists for seasons on end, and then you turn a corner in a previously-unnoticed temple and find Michelle sporting a startling hairdo change while surrounded by men waving machine guns.


10. Do not drive directly into smoke covering the roadway.

You’ve seen the signs on the interstate. Did you really think they didn’t apply to you? Aggressive black smoke is bad, and you could potentially be slammed against the walls of a secret room under a broken statue of a giant foot. And then die while the nearby firelight reflects off the bald head of a John Locke imposter. Just say no..

I think that catches us up, don’t you? But it doesn’t really matter, since everything will change with next week’s episode. Because you KNOW that Ana Lucia has got to come back at some point. We couldn’t be truly Lost without her…