Wednesday, February 3, 2010

10 Reasons Why the “Lost” Season Premiere is Just Like Real Life

Note: Total Spoiler Alert if you haven’t watched the episode. If you don’t want to see some things revealed before you’ve had a chance to catch the show, then skip this for now and come back later. You have been warned.

Second Note: My slight apologies to those of you that don’t even watch “Lost” and have no desire whatsoever to do so. This post may not be the most appealing thing that you have ever come across while searching the Internet for amusing entertainment. On the flip side, you know how I work these things. I can take something mundane like the life history of the slug mushroom and breathe a bit of life into it. So keep reading.

Anyway, here we go:

1. Nobody knows what the hell is going on.

Granted, this is “Lost”, where we’ve spent the last five seasons debating everything from Kate’s amazing ability to look glowing in every scene to whether or not the angle of a tree could change the entire story. But still, the final season opener was crammed full of head-scratchers and what-the-hell moments.

The bomb did and did not go off. Juliet died and did not die, and then died anyway. Sayid died and then did not die. Jacob supposedly died, but isn’t he supernatural and can’t really die? Ben didn’t die, but you really want him to do so. And John Locke? Good God, there’s no telling what his status might be, since that actor is now appearing as several different characters at once. He could die lots of times and still be on the show.

And this plane thing, the one that now supposedly didn’t crash, filled with characters that are also still on the island and schlepping around the jungle, looking sweaty and desperate. What are they telling us? When Juliet rudely banged on the bomb canister, did she cause everyone to have split personalities?

And don’t even get me started on the ginormous ancient temple that no one on the island managed to find the first time the plane crashed. Or the second time. Or the third time, when it didn’t really crash but everyone’s still on the island. Do people just not pay attention?

2. People just don’t pay attention.

Why are all those people standing on the beach still standing on the beach after a two-hour episode? You’d think somebody would finally have enough of the standing and at least go for a walk and look for temples. And hey, you unarmed standing people, since the ARMED people keep pointing their guns at Richard and paying you no attention whatsoever, wouldn’t this be a great time for you to slip away and find a nice game of cribbage somewhere?

And the Jack on the plane, as opposed to the Jack on the island, steps into the plane lavatory and discovers that he’s bleeding from the neck. Instead of becoming concerned and trying to figure out what might be causing his condition, he just daubs it with some toilet paper and then wanders back out into the cabin. And this guy’s a doctor.

We have Charlie, on the plane even though he’s been gone for at least three seasons, trying to kill himself in one of the other lavatories. Dude, why would you go into the bathroom to off yourself by swallowing drugs? This procedure takes time. You think no one else on the plane has to pee? Of course they’re going to discover you, and someone else will race to alert doctor Jack so he can try to save the day once again even though you end up hating him for doing so. Jack never wins when he tries to save people. It’s like one of the Ten Commandments.

Chuck, you should have just done the suicide bit in your plane seat. No one cares what you do there. As long as you remain relatively quiet and don’t kick the seat in front of you, your death wish could have been granted. But no, you had to pick the high-drama location by trying to sleep with the fishes while perched on a high-traffic toilet.

3. People just don’t know when to let things go.

Two examples. First, we have Ben, creepazoid extraordinaire, who can’t seem to understand that his sensitive Dirty Harry ways are no longer the focus they used to be. Other people have come onto the show who have juicer parts. Relax, and enjoy the time in your trailer while on location.

Then we have Sawyer. He’s understandably a bit miffed about Juliet taking the swan dive into the hole and having to bang on things with a rock. Oh, and the dying thing. Got it. But man, you really need to move on. Quit glaring at Jack like he personally shoved the bitch down the well. Besides, we all know you really want Kate. It was very touching when you cried just as Juliet gurgled her last and was unable to tell you something very important, but your eye has been on Kate since she first walked past you sporting those sexy handcuffs.

4. Some people always have bad hair days.


5. It’s really important to be bilingual, especially at airports.

Yes, I’m talking about Jin and Sun, specifically the point where Jin is questioned by airport security about the fact that he has expensive jewelry and mounds of cash in his luggage. Jin gets all uppity about it, but of course none of the officers can understand him. So he’s hauled away to parts unknown.

Good. Because we don’t like this version of Jin, the man he was before the first plane crashed, and then he subsequently learned to appreciate Sun and her ability to wear skimpy bathing suits on the tropical beach, directly leading to her impregnation and the birth of a miracle child.

Meanwhile, the non-pregnant version of Sun pretends that she doesn’t understand English, even though we know she can because of that affair she had with…whatever that man’s name was back in whatever country it was. You know, the country where her daddy was really mean and caused her to have identity issues? THAT place. And so Jin gets hauled off. Yay.

You know, I’m only halfway through with my 10 reasons, and I’ve totally confused MYSELF. I’m thoroughly amazed that this show has managed to last this long, because it’s mytifying as hell. But that’s the charm. It’s smart TV for smart people. And really, we don’t see a lot of that anymore. So embrace and worship, yes? Because before you know it, some lame-ass network executive will green light “America’s Top Fornicator” and the damn thing will air five nights a week.

6. Greasy, unkempt people manage to get a position of power but still don’t have any people skills.

This would be the leader of the Temple Clan. He’s rude and he needs a stylist, not to mention a podiatrist to inform him that running around barefoot is not the smartest thing if you intend to age gracefully. And he doesn’t like how English tastes, so he refuses to speak the language. Dude, words don’t HAVE a taste. There’s something seriously whacked about your digestive system.

But still, SOMEbody gave him the keys to the temple kingdom, so he prances around spewing orders in his greasy dialect while depending on his John Lennon-sidekick to translate for the masses. Clearly, there have been some communication issues with this arrangement, since everyone in his tribe looks bitter and discontent. I’m sure that if we had more time, his underlings would overthrow him and end his self-indulgent reign, but we only have so many episodes in this shortened final season.

7. Annoying people never go away.


8. Fake blood just does not look realistic. The only thing that looks like real blood is, well, real blood.

Sawyer is the spokesmodel for this segment, but we can also finger Juliet, Sayid, Hurley, Jack, Miles, and about twenty-odd extras that didn’t have an actual speaking part but died for our viewing pleasure anyway. You’d think that, by now, somebody would have invented a concoction that reasonably passes as real blood. Instead, we have all these people looking like they just survived a strawberry-pie eating contest, rather than surviving exploding bombs, rude temple people with territorial issues, and gunfire.

9. Always be nice to your flight attendant, because you never know when she might show up in the most unexpected places.

I’m talking about Michelle, at least I think that’s what her name is. She’s been on all the plane flights, whether they crashed or not. (This might be a lie. I currently can’t open my Excel spreadsheet of all the characters, so there are potential gaps in logic. But really, does it matter? We’ve already established the fact the no one ever truly dies on this show.)

In any case, be courteous with the stressed woman inquiring if you prefer the fish or the chicken, since there’s the distinct possibility that you could encounter this beverage servant at a later date. You should not be surprised if one day you find yourself surviving a plane crash, enduring serpentine plot twists for seasons on end, and then you turn a corner in a previously-unnoticed temple and find Michelle sporting a startling hairdo change while surrounded by men waving machine guns.

10. Do not drive directly into smoke covering the roadway.

You’ve seen the signs on the interstate. Did you really think they didn’t apply to you? Aggressive black smoke is bad, and you could potentially be slammed against the walls of a secret room under a broken statue of a giant foot. And then die while the nearby firelight reflects off the bald head of a John Locke imposter. Just say no..

I think that catches us up, don’t you? But it doesn’t really matter, since everything will change with next week’s episode. Because you KNOW that Ana Lucia has got to come back at some point. We couldn’t be truly Lost without her…

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