Monday, February 15, 2010

10 Reasons Why Idiots Should Never Drive in the Snow

1. Idiots don’t know what snow is.

Seriously, there are folks out there who are completely mystified by the white stuff falling from the sky. They have no idea what it might be. And they certainly don’t realize that the weird rain can actually stick to things and accumulate. Therefore, they don’t adjust their driving patterns in any way.

Initially, this stupidity makes these dimwits some of the most dangerous creatures on the road during snow or ice storms. They just keep driving like they’ve always driven, hurtling through red lights, paying no attention to lane dividers or other cars, and racing along at speeds that can result in space flight if they hit a pothole just right.

Luckily, because they have no adaptive instincts, these losers are generally the first to hit a patch of ice and plummet into a ditch, their faces registering uncomprehending surprise when they realize that their vehicle is no longer moving. (It can take a while for this awareness to stimulate one of their three brain cells into some type of reaction, so there’s considerable downtime before they get out of the car.) But at least they are now off the road.

2. Idiots ignore the six-inch layer cake on top of their car.

Folks, you need to get that snow off your car before you get in and drive anywhere. That snow is not going to remain in place just because you’re ignoring it and can no longer see it, once you figure out how to close the door and turn on the car. It’s going to come crashing down at some point, most likely at a very inopportune time.

But the idiots don’t listen, driving around like a herd of angel food treats have been let loose on the city. This is a ticking bomb, with shock and awe just around the corner, because the rising heat in the car is going to start melting that snow a wee bit. One of three things is now going to happen.

The snow is going to slide forward while they’re zipping down the road, most likely at a moment when they are already distracted by cell-phone usage and/or the triple burger they are trying to cram in their mouths while driving. The snow will completely cover the front windshield, resulting in total loss of visibility. Typically, it will take the idiot at least three minutes to realize that they can’t see where they’re going.

Once it becomes fuzzily clear that something is not right, the idiot will then go into total responsive failure. Instead of gently applying the brakes, they ignore the brakes completely (for once, see below). Rather, they grasp the steering wheel and start jerking it to the right and the left, as if they just need to find the right street where the snow monster doesn’t live. This, of course, causes the car to swerve all over the road and endanger the lives of everyone in a two-block radius. The only thing that will stop this madness is another handy ditch or perhaps a sturdy light pole.

The cake MAY survive long enough until the idiot is slowing down at an intersection, with the snow tumbling forward when the car comes to a stop. In this case, at least, the danger to nearby cars and buildings is minimized. Instead, we have the idiot finally clamoring out of the car (um, you have to UNLOCK the door first, that’s why it won’t open, Einstein) and then just standing there, wondering what they should do now. The idea that perhaps they should scrape the snow OFF the windshield will not occur to them until they have held up traffic for at least half an hour.

The final potential fate of the cake is that the idiot will gain enough speed on the slickened road that the snow will blow off the back of the car, becoming angry warheads that slam into the cars behind the idiot. These innocent victims now have to deal with the idiot residue, yet another example of useless people expecting the decent citizens of society to clean up after them. A Snowcial Welfare Policy, if you will.

3. Idiots think that stomping on the brake will solve everything.

Anyone who has at least minimal skills when it comes to driving in the snow is fully aware that the brake pedal is not necessarily your friend. It must be used cautiously, with little taps here and there to correct your course. You do NOT jump on the brake with both feet every time your vehicle starts to slide a little bit.

Idiots don’t get this. When it’s not snowing, they never use the brake. They fly through intersections hours after the light has turned red. They are unable to slow down while navigating school zones, rocketing through and sending little Janie and Johnny running for their lives. They are the people responsible for those mysterious “Guardrail Damage Ahead” signs that you pass on the highway, causing you to wonder just who in the hell managed to hit THAT. Idiots hit it, because they can’t remember what the brake is for when the sun is shining.

But slap a little bit of ice on the pavement, and some internal mutant gene is triggered within idiots across the land, making them pound on the brake every seven seconds. This, of course, results in the idiots spinning out of control and subsequently shutting down entire road systems with a 38-car pileup.

(And these idiots always end up on the local news, shaming the nation with their brain-dead logic, limited vocabulary, and inability to realize that they are NOT a celebrity because a microphone is shoved in their face. “What happened was, I diddun know they was ice. And the DEVIL took my car and drove it in the taco hut . And I lost my crack pipe. Hey, you want some a dese kids? I got extry. I ain‘t named sum of dem yet.”)

4. Idiots have no concept of a “rolling stop”.

When the roads are covered in six inches of ice, and your car barely has any traction, you need to keep moving if at all possible. Coming to a complete stop is utter madness. You don’t do it. Especially if you’re at some pitiful 4-way stop in a residential neighborhood where nobody cares what the hell you do anyway.

But no, the idiots will slam to a halt before they even get to the intersection. And then they get stuck, wheels spinning, and they are unable to get any forward momentum, the rear of the car eventually sliding to one side as the tires whiz around pointlessly. Now they are blocking the entire road. Which means YOU have to stop, and lose your traction as well. This is one of those times when I firmly believe that mercy killing is a fine and beautiful thing.

5. Idiots don’t understand that steep hills should be avoided.

Mr. Idiot, before you attempt to climb that Matterhorn before you, let me explain a few things. I know you won’t listen to me, but I’m going to try anyway, so that I can have a clear conscience when I slap your worthless ass when all is said and done.

Notice, as you gaze up that awe-inspiring ski run, that many before you have tried to attempt the same maneuver that you are contemplating. They did not succeed. That is why there are so many cars piled up at the base of the hill, the vehicles pointed in every direction except a natural one. This is something that should not be attempted. You are NOT going to make it.

But no, you think that you have some special magic that will allow you to succeed where others have failed. This misconception strikes to the bone of why you have been classified as an idiot. You actually believe that your cheap-ass discount piece of crap, with the hamster-wheel engine and the bicycle tires, can get further up the hill than that Hummer over there with the disillusioned yuppie driver who is currently crying into his low-fat latte because his axle busted when it jumped the curb while rolling backwards.

Good luck with that.

6. Idiots don’t prepare for possible travel-by-foot across the tundra.

It’s freezing cold. There’s snow and ice everywhere. And yet you have chosen to get in your vehicle and drive around the city in search of something meaningless that you don’t really need. In making this decision, one would think that you would select adequate clothing options. But you don’t. You throw on a tube top and some stiletto heels, apparently your native dress, and then you hop in the car.

Next thing you know, you’ve slammed into the side of the local Dairy Queen because you were texting one of your idiot friends about the latest music video from your favorite band, The Gonad Banjo. Now you must get out of the car and seek shelter, but you are unable to do so because your pointy heels lock into the ice and your tube top instantly freezes and shatters. My thoughts? You might as well just lay down and become a speed bump for the drive-thru, because your value as a contributing member to society has just expired.

7. Idiots rarely have the proper amount of car insurance, despite laws requiring them to have such.

I don’t think I need to say much more on this point. I’M the one that has to pay for repairs because YOU hit ME without proper protection? I don’t think so. I will hunt your ass down and hock the pink flamingos in your yard if it comes to that.

8. Idiots travel in packs.

It’s never a single idiot behind the wheel of an obnoxious car that is swerving all over the road, knocking out mailboxes and postal delivery people. It’s a cast of thousands, all of them crammed into a space that normally would only hold four people. Why do you have to bring your entire posse with you just to get some burritos from Taco Bell? Leave some of your tribe at home so they can figure out what needs to be done with the frozen pipes that burst because you don’t understand what “freeze warning” really means.

9. Idiots get defensive when they are called idiots.

You can’t have a reasonable conversation with people who don’t understand that they are responsible for their own actions. They get obnoxiously belligerent when you point out their deficiencies. They think they are on the Jerry Springer show, and instantly resort to the head-bobbing and the weave-pulling and the inane concept that simply repeating the same clueless phrase over and over will somehow make it the gospel truth.

Repetition is not resolution. Pull your ignorant head out of your ignorant ass and get a lawyer. Now. Oh wait. Do you KNOW what a lawyer is? Because that word has two syllables, and I realize that we’re stretching intellectual boundaries here.

10. Idiots should not be allowed to procreate.

I realize this has nothing to do with snow travel. But really, isn’t this the elephant in the room? We wouldn’t HAVE any of the above nine issues if there was some type of enforced sterilization process in place. Please send an email to your congressional leaders. Make the stupid people go away, whatever it takes.

It’s the right thing to do.

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