Okay, I’ll try not to get into whether or not that final episode made me happy. Let’s just say that after 6 years of investment, I expected a bigger payoff. Anyway, to keep things fun and happy, let’s focus on the kind efforts of the producers to provide us with life-saving tips. And here we go…
1. If you run across a sacred fountain that somehow controls the world, don’t pull on the shiny plug in the middle of the water.
Well, if you actually need to kill a “man in black” who can’t be killed, then I guess it’s okay to screw around with the plug. Otherwise, don’t mess with that thing. Islands start to sink and pretty observation areas fall into the sea. And it makes it very hard for planes to take off on a sandy runway. Besides, there’s that electro-shock issue. If you are approaching an object that causes you to vibrate and your nose to bleed, you probably shouldn’t be re-arranging the furniture. Climb back up the water wall and go do something else, like hotwire a VW Bus and drink generic beer.
2. Don’t fall in love with people named Jack.
You will never get enough validation in this relationship. Sure, he might tell you he loves you as an island is disintegrating around you, but that’s more of a gut reflex, don’t you think? Wouldn’t it have been more satisfying if he told you this at some other point in your past, like when you were in a relationship together for a few years, raising a child that’s not your own and all?
3. Don’t attend rock concerts if you are pregnant.
This can only lead to unsavory conditions where you shoot a kid out in a backstage area while roadies freak and don’t know what to do. Yes, you might reconnect with a long lost love who has no qualms about playing peek-a-boo with your birth-goo covered child, but there are other factors to consider. Like the fact that you have to make unattractive facial expressions during the delivery process while a certain curly-haired costar gets better lighting and doesn’t have her legs in the air.
4. Don’t try to live in a secluded part of an island and assume that nobody will find you.
Rose and Bernard, although we basically like you and enjoyed your back-story, you should have known that this whole hermit thing would never work. Yes, I understand that the producers have constantly shown us parts of the island that “no one has ever seen before despite the limited acreage”, with mystifying settings popping up just so they can make the script work. But you should have realized that sooner or later people named Desmond and Locke would invade your private sanctuary, causing discomfort and awkwardness. Just because Bernard now has unruly hair doesn’t mean that you are excluded from the rules.
5. Even if you were killed off early in a series run, there is always hope for a return engagement.
However, this can be a tricky thing for the audience. We may not necessarily WANT to see the people they bring back. To be fair, Boone and Shannon had their interesting moments back in the day, but seriously, did we really need to see that alley fight? (And what was up with Shannon’s hair? Did it hurt when they styled it?)
Along the same lines, bringing folks back for a quickie cameo can mess with the rhythm of the show. When these actors suddenly pop up as a different character, instead of paying attention to the current plot developments, you instead spend your time wondering “Hey, how did she die the first time? Something about kumquats?” Next thing you know, you’ve lost the story thread and will have to get on the Internet later.
6. If your mother is Allison Janney, don’t listen to her or accept proffered beverages.
She lies. And is apparently incapable of finishing a weaving project.
7. Stay out of montages where sad music is playing and short snippets of your life are being displayed on the screen.
This won’t end well. Something tragic is about to happen, unpleasant revelations are about to surface, or, at the very least, you are actually about to become even more confused than ever before, with mystifying screen shots of statues, and the introduction of additional characters, when you already can’t keep track of the current cast list and the opening credits take twenty minutes just to list all the actors. Oh, and somebody’s probably going to punch Ben in the face, because that hasn’t happened for at least three scenes and we can’t have that.
8. Your life will change if you just touch people.
Tired of total strangers staring at you with a slightly misty expression, as if they might possibly recognize you, or at least think they have the same outfit at home? Well then, just march up to them and grasp whichever hand they are not using to keep their place in the script. Suddenly, you will be treated to a nice little movie that plays in your head, causing you to gasp and realize that you’ve had sex with the person standing before you, only the set decorations were a little different and sand was somehow involved.
Then some stirring them music will play, allowing you to clutch the other person as you are overwhelmed with memories of a past life when you had a really long time-share on some island. You’ll probably cry, because it’s really emotional and you miss the long walks on the beach in the moonlight, except for the times flaming arrows would fall out of the sky or mean people would kidnap you.
9. Avoid bamboo.
Granted, it’s really earth-friendly to grow these trees and then make pricey home décor products out of them, but there is a down side. You should refrain from randomly wandering through a forest of bamboo, especially if you are bleeding from the stomach and all of your friends are busy boarding a plane or pouting on a rock because they didn’t get picked by Jacob. If you don’t get out of that forest in a timely manner, eventually you will fall down and die, but it will take you several seasons to figure this out.
10. If the coffin is empty, run like hell.
Don’t stop and chat with deceased relatives, don’t ask questions where the answers will disappoint you, and, most importantly, don’t go into the church where “everyone is waiting for you”. It’s a trap. Even though all of your friends are there (or at least the ones who are still on the payroll), and they all seem to be happy that you accepted the invite, there’s one thing they are not telling you:
If you head toward the light, Carol Anne, it means the series is over and you have to get another job. Do you really want that? Didn’t think so. Head back to the Pearl Station, lock the door, punch the button every 108 minutes, blame Penny for this somehow being all her fault even if it wasn‘t her boat, and pray that the writers can come up with a flash-forward that can get you out of yet another logic mess…
Nice post, good advice. :)
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