Friday, May 14, 2010

Searching For Signal: #128 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 13

Post Tribal, everybody moseys back to camp, where the Villains scramble to figure out how to repair the damage after Russell managed to send one of their own home. At first, I’m pretty psyched, because I’m fully expecting Parvati to tear Russell a new one. Sadly, this does not happen.

Parvati in a sidebar: “I completely distrust Russell, but I need him so we can get rid of Rupert and Colby first.” Okay, hold up, Teeth Girl, let’s break this down. Russell just knocked off your bestie Danielle, and now you don’t have anybody to play Swimsuit Model with. Why are you focused on two Heroes that don’t have the numbers to do any real damage to the Villains?

Then we have Jerri, Russell and Parvati talking shop and discussing the same thing. Gotta get rid of those Heroes, because there’s SO many of them left and all. They completely ignore the elephant on the island, which is that Russell and Parvati can’t stand each other and Jerri has flipped so many times she needs a chiropractor. Good luck with the trust factor, guys.

Russell in a sidebar: “Parvati has nobody but ME now.” Then he kills a baby turtle with one of the machetes he’s stolen.

Roll opening credits.

Next morning, we get tree mail in the form of a box. Just to make sure we all understand that it’s time for some product placement, the box has “Sprint” stamped all over it. Inside is a Palm Pre. (Imagine that!) The Survivors all stand around and fiddle with the phone, shoving it at the camera so we can see that, yep, it’s powered by Sprint.

(Side note to the Sprint PR people: Maybe you didn’t think this one through. Instead of marveling at your piece of technology, I was turned off by the filthy fingers of the Survivors as they pushed the buttons. This made me not want to own a phone model that dirty people would use. Think about it.)

The phone also has videos of a family member for each of the Survivors. Apparently, these family members have just been whisked to the island so they can help out in the Reward Challenge, and are now standing behind a tree somewhere. Which means that we now must proceed to the Challenge so these relatives can come out of hiding.

So we cut to yet another area of the island where the Survivor producers have pretended that they didn’t disturb the natural environment, but you know they did. (How else are they going to have room for all the cameras, crew and those annoying Medical people that only speak Australian?) Immediately, Jeff starts plugging the wonders of the Sprint Palm Pre, in case we haven’t been paying attention up to this point. Based on his glowing words, you’d think this instrument can stop global warming as well as free Tibet.

Then Jeff starts bringing out the relatives, and we have the usual heart-stirring mini-reunions while poignant music plays on the soundtrack. Interesting to note: While everybody else busts out in tears and tightly clenches their loved ones, Russell greets his wife like it’s a business meeting. Not a tear in sight while they air kiss. They must live in a very, very cold house.

Down to business. Basically, the Survivors have scoop water out of the ocean with a bucket, run up to a line in the sand, throw the water through the air to their partner who is holding another bucket, then the partner dumps the catch in a bigger bucket. Jeff: First team to fill the bigger bucket gets to fly to another island and “experience the blowholes.”

Oh my. Guess we’ll see what THAT’S all about.

Jeff does some more shilling for Sprint (“You can take the Palm Pre with you!”) and then we’re off.

Right away, Colby is yelling at his brother for doing a lousy job, and he continues throughout the whole competition. (I’m guessing there was a troubled childhood.) Sandra shows that suckage at competitions just runs in the family, because she and her uncle just can’t get it together. (The uncle does try to steal water from the other teams, so I guess cheating is in the genes as well.) Jerri and her sister (All the way from Germany! We hear this 50 times!) manage to fill their bucket first.

Jeff tells Jerri she can pick another Survivor to go with. Jerri immediately tags Parvati (and her dad), but since Jerri’s a greedy little girl: “Can I take one more?” Jeff consents, and Jerri squeals Sandra’s name. Russell, because he didn’t get any validation from Jerri, turns to his wife and mutters: “She’s in trouble now.” The wife whole-heartedly agrees, and throws her bucket down to show her displeasure that someone would not worship her husband. That’s a messed-up redneck couple right there.

Cut to Jerri, Parvati, Sandra and the various family members standing at the blowholes, which turn out to be exactly that, holes on a rocky beach where the surf rolls in and blows out a geyser of water. (Yes, I was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t something more intriguing.) Anyway, the good time to be had here is when you throw a coconut in a hole at just the right time for the coconut to be launched high into the sky. They do this repeatedly until I’m ready for one of the falling coconuts to knock somebody out so we can go to another scene.

And we finally do cut away, but it’s only so we can see Parvati and her navel poised on yet another rock, as she babbles away about how the Palm Pre has changed her life. Then she has a small orgasm to prove it.

Finally, we’re done with that mess, and we move on the feast so the girls can shove food in their mouths while strategizing. Jerri’s all atwitter (in 140 characters or less) about Russell being mad at her because she didn’t pick him, and she might go home. Parvati scoffs at this. What? Rupert and Colby are next. You’re completely safe. Are you gonna finish that banana?

Well, turns out the girls might have at least a tiny thing to worry about, and it’s name is Russell. Back at camp, he’s in a sidebar, bellowing about Jerri AND Parvati. It’s one of his typical rants that he goes into when things don’t go exactly his way or someone dares to question his Divinity. He ends by calling them “unappreciative little witches”, although his actual choice of words is bit more colorful.

Russell then hops off his booster seat and races to Rupert and Colby, swearing Final Three with them. (Rupert in a sidebar: “I WANNA believe him.” Idiot.) Colby to Russell: “Can you get Jerri to flip?” Russell: “Yep. Parvati’s going home.”

The girls come straggling back to camp late at night (guess those blowholes had them enraptured for a long time). At first, everybody just goes to bed. Except Rupert. While people are trying to sleep, he starts sawing on things. Seriously. And throwing other things around and banging on stuff. For no reason. Everybody in the tent curses his existence and plots his demise. (Jerri goes off in a sidebar, and she wants him GONE.)

Since nobody can sleep now, Jerri and Russell confab on the beach, where she does that simpering mess where she coos over Russell and hopes he’s not mad at wittle Jerri for the not-picking-him boo-boo. Russell, because he needs her number, accepts her groveling and says he’ll let her know who to vote for. Jerri, skank that she is, basks in his glory. Yuck.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one is simple. You stand there with your hands out, palms down, and have to balance two poles, wedged between your hands and a board over your head. You drop a pole, you’re done. Fifteen SECONDS into it, Colby is out. Dude did not even try. Sandra follows in less than a minute, natch. Poles keep hitting the sand until it’s just Parvati and Rupert. They go for a while, but Parvati ultimately wins Immunity. (Ever notice that Parv is really good at competitions where she just has to stand still?)

Rupert in a sidebar: “Plan B, Sandra goes home.” Um, you might want to check with the short one before you say that.

Speaking of, Russell runs up to Parvati: Rupert is going home.

Sandra and Rupert on the beach. Sandra: “What do we do now? I want Russell to go.”

Rupert, the dumb-ass, runs to tell Russell what Sandra said. Russell storms off to find Sandra. He finds her, lounging in the tent, because she’s really tired after competing for almost a minute. (Parvati is there as well, probably wondering if anyone else needs her to talk about the Palm Pre.) Russell to Sandra: “Are you with me or against me?” Sandra, completely calm: “I’m against you, Russell.” Ohhh, gonna hit the fan now.

Instant squabbling, where it’s not really clear if Sandra was just playing, if Parvati is actually trying to mediate between the two or just pretending, or if Russell can even grasp the concept of people not seeing things his way. Then Parvati teases Russell by calling him Boston Rob for the “with me or against me” thing. Russell blows his top, threatens them both, then runs off to see if he’s finally grown tall enough to ride anything at Six Flags.

Jerri in a sidebar: “What is going ON? You DON’T push Russell’s buttons?”

Russell in a sidebar: “It might be Sandra instead of Rupert. I don’t know.”

Sandra in a sidebar: “I’m not gonna use the idol. It’s the last day to use it, but I feel confident.” (It’s the last freaking day, Sandra! Use it! God.)

Time for Tribal.

Sandra immediately spills about stupid Rupert running to Russell, and then Russell confronting her. Jeff to Russell: “Were you nice about it?” Of course not. Russell: “You go home if you’re against me.” Jeff then asks Parvati if keeping the Villain alliance intact is a good thing. Parvati: “There’s definitely room for switching up, but I want to keep the Villains with me. There’s a lot of Heroes on the jury.”

Pan to the jury, where everybody is looking clean and rested, and full of hatred for Russell.

Time to vote.

Jeff finally wanders back in. Idol, anyone?

Sandra leaps to her feet. (Good girl.) “I would hate to go home with the idol in my bra.” Then she digs around in there for a bit and whips it out.

Two votes for Sandra, which don’t count.

Four votes for Rupert. As Tie-Dye prepares to leave, he turns and glares at Russell. (Nice drama, Rupe, but you fell for his lies. Can’t blame anybody but yourself.)

Then Jeff makes an announcement: There’s only one competition left and we’re done.

Really? But we still have five people.


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