Monday, August 23, 2010

Searching For Signal: #158 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 20

As usual, we start with scenes from the last few episodes (there are shoes all over the house because these people are pigs, Matt loves to perform hand gestures for the cameras, and Britney did something new with her hair, resulting in golden, curly locks that will melt with the first rain drop). Then the Announcer Guy proclaims that we have GOT to watch the show tonight, because “the cracks in The Brigade widen!”

Good, ready for that.

And a series of Diary Room confessions:

Brendon: “Matty’s gonna call me a big dummy? I’m WAY more intelligent than he is.” (I guess I missed that episode. When did you do something smart, Brenchel?)

Hayden: “We had JUST told Matty” that we were kicking his ass out. (Oh?)

Cue a scene two hours before the Eviction Ceremony, with Hayden and Enzo traipsing up to Matt and giving him the scoop. Or trying to. Enzo hems and haws and basically doesn’t say anything worthwhile, choosing instead to marvel at the way his shirt looks. It’s Hayden that drops the bomb. “Dude, you goin’ home.”

Back to the Diary Room.

Matt: “I’m not important? I GOT you where you are.” (Well, this is true. The other three members of The Brigade have redefined the word “worthlessness” in the dictionary. Webster is on the phone as we speak.)

Brendon, about the Diamond Head Power of Veto busines: “I cannot believe what just happened!” (Um, like you actually believe that Rachel is not a man?)

Ragan: I’ve spent the last two weeks crying, and then BOOM, my best friend is staying in the house! (Poor Ragan. So many issues, so little emotional control.)

Matt: “They cannot get me out!” (Let’s not get too excited, Matty. You’ve used your special super power, and you’re not HOH. Oh, and somebody’s going to figure out that you tell everybody exactly what they want to hear. Just sayin.)

Lane: “Kathy, you just didn’t belong. But thanks for doing my laundry.” (Say, those Texas men aren’t chauvinistic at all, are they?)

Enzo: “I’m a little bit worried about going up.” (Really? Why is that? Oh, that’s right. Because you’re worthless. See above entry about Webster.)

Brendon: “Nobody can trust Matt.” (Like they can FULLY trust you to actually do something that’s not intended to prove your mystifying love for Rachel, right?)

Quick scene with Matt and Ragan hugging after Matt saved himself. Then they promptly scurry to other parts of the house, Ragan all giddy about getting to touch Matt, and Matt all confused about why he actually liked the embrace so much. But then Matt notices that his pecs aren‘t being properly displayed and concerns himself with that.

Britney in the Diary Room, waving her HOH key around like a weed whacker: “I have all the power. Yayyy!” (Girl, talk to me in a few hours when you actually have to put people on the block. Everybody LUVS being HOH until they have to make an actual decision.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I’m NOT going on the block!” (Then someone on the camera crew barks “Raisin Bran!” and Lane’s eyes fill with fear, because there might be a test and he’s not really good with questions.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “There could be trouble with me.” (That’s not really a clear statement, Hello Kitty, but we’ll just assume that you are still concerned with going home. Or that your parole officer might call the BB producers.)

Enzo marches into the little bathroom area, conveniently designed so that we can get tantalizing glimpses of people hopping in and out of the shower. Lane’s there, marveling at the indoor plumbing. Enzo is freaking out a bit, and sharing this with “one thought at a time, please” Lane. I might go home, whines Morris the Cat. Lane tosses him a kitty treat. Maybe Britney will put Hayden up instead.

See, these Brigade people? They’ll sell one another out in a heartbeat. That’s a nice, tight team right there. Uh huh.

Britney and Ragan, somewhere, thrilled that they can now get Brendon out and Matt is still here. Ragan thinks he’s Gloria Swanson, and clutches at his face dramatically while doing ballet movements across the room. Please. Can I make my eighty-first request for an actual butch gay man on this show?

Matt, Lane and Hayden, somewhere, with Lane and Hayden acting like they are now Matty’s best friends. Of course he’s not buying it. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I’m VERY suspicious.)

Then Britney gets to show off her new HOH Room. The usual brown-nosing occurs, but we do get to see a pic of Britney wearing a crown and looking like she’s very dissatisfied with what the servants did with the rose garden. It’s creepy. Then we get to see photos of “Nick”, her supposed fiance, or arranged partner, or cousin, something. She’s previously sold him as incredibly hawt and desirable. He’s not. The other houseguests knock each other down trying to get to the Diary Room, where they verify the non-hotness of Nasty Nick.

Enzo and Matty, with Enzo trying to wiggle out of picking Lane over Matt. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m trying to reel him back in.” And where does that fishing line go? To you? Oh. The person who can’t do squat. Good luck with that.) (Matt in the Diary Room: “I am DONE with Enzo.”)

Ragan, Britney and Matt are celebrating in the hammock, thrilled that Brendon will now be going home. Britney: “We’re in a happy place!” Then she gets sad. “We don’t have a pawn.” Matt: “Hey, there’s this guy named Enzo? He’s never been on the block…”

Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Matt are once again working out in the courtyard together, doing such a good job of hiding their alliance. Suddenly, Lane decides that he wants to put every weight ring for miles around on his bench-press pole. People scurry about doing such. Cut to Lane in the Diary Room: When I’m trying to push myself during a workout, “I go straight to gorilla.” Then he reenacts Godzilla (maybe he’s confusing the two words) attacking Tokyo. Right there in the Diary Room. That boy is just wrong.

Britney, Matt and Lane are lounging about in their bedroom, apparently during the wee hours because the night-vision cameras are on. Matt fesses up to having a dream about a shirtless Hayden joining his family. (I think he’s kidding, but in the Diary Room Matt says he’s not.) Lane is stunned. “Did you tell him to put on a shirt?” (Lane in the Diary Room: “Back in Texas, even if you HAVE this dream, you do NOT tell anyone.)

Brendon runs to chat with Britney in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Are you gonna go back on our deal?” Britney, because everything she’s ever said to Brendon has been a lie, continues this tradition. Brendon: “I’m gonna win HOH, and if you put me up, I’m coming after you.” (Brendon, dude, you have to be IN the house to win HOH. Hello?) Brendon: And, oh, by the way, Matt and Ragan wanted me to put you up last week. (Britney in the Diary Room: If that’s true, I’m going to be MAD. Then she stomps her delicate, royal foot and berates a servant who was too slow bringing her a cucumber sandwich.)

Then it’s time for the Have/Have-Not competition, and this thing goes on for so long that I almost call my therapist. Basically, there are two teams of three. In each round, the teams take turns stepping up to the bar, ordering a round of shots, and then drinking them. (Non-alcoholic, by the way. The good drinks are saved for “Big Brother After Dark”.) Two of the shots are tasty, the third is nasty. The OTHER team has to decide who got the skanky shot based on their facial expressions. You get a point if you ding the right person.

Well, right away both teams realize that everyone should just act repulsed by whatever they put in their mouths, and let the chips fall. Of course, Ragan equates “act repulsed” with “over-act like Liza Minnelli at one of her sham weddings”. He queens it up to such a degree that I finally understand why people shoot at cars on the freeway.

Anyway, in the end, Matt, Ragan and Lane win, making Hayden, Brendon and Enzo the “Have-Not’s”. Everybody troops inside to discover that America has voted that the slop people can have an extra snack of broccoli and bean dip. Enzo immediately makes disparaging remarks about the bean dip. From my own experience, I can honestly say that bean dip and a mammoth bag of Fritos have gotten me through many difficult times. People roll in different ways, right?

Britney and Matt in the HOH Room. Britney: “What should I do?” (Girl, why do you keep taking these polls? Do you work for Gallup?) Matt: “Enzo!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “Well, I like Enzo, but it does sound fair for me to nominate him”, never having been on the block and all.) Britney to Matt: “Can you help me write my speech?” Matt: Speech? Dude, what’s the big deal? Just say he’s never been on the block. Done.

Ragan, Britney, Lane and Matt are hanging at the hammock. Suddenly, a career-challenged moth flutters up, and Ragan and Britney act like the devil wants their souls. They scream and run about in mortal terror. (Lane in the Diary Room: With the way they were acting, I thought there had to have been “gunfire or a dinosaur”.)

A dinosaur? Lane, man, what happened to you? Words fail me.

Lane, Enzo and Hayden, sitting around and pretending that they don’t like each other’s muscles. Enzo: Matty’s playing us. He’s not looking after The Brigade, he’s looking after himself. (Oh, like the three of you weren’t ready to sell him out with the last eviction? Well, to be fair, Lane was on the block and didn’t really have a vote. And to be even more fair, Lane has no clue what’s going on. He’s still starry-eyed about the rumored invention of toilet paper.)

Britney, taking a break from deciding what her next outfit might be, runs downstairs and asks Hayden, Enzo and Lane to join her in the HOH Room. Britney: “Who does the house want out?” Well, Brendon is the primary, natch, but for that second seat, how about Matt? Britney: But if I put Matt up, he’ll do stuff to make me unhappy and I won’t feel like singing songs about myself. All three: Tell him he’s a pawn. Britney, sighing, because this nominating mess is really a lot of work, taking away from her self-love time: Okay, I’ll talk to him.

Britney drags Matt to the Pantry Room. Brit: “What should I do?” (Oh, good GOD, girl. Can you seriously not make a decision on your own?) Matt: “Enzo!” Britney: “But you’re the BEST to win Veto!” Matt: “Don’t put me up as a pawn.” I will cut you.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I don’t know what to do!”

Matt in the Diary Room: “How about we don’t put ME up, Britney?”

Standard scene with Britney staring at the Houseguest Wall and acting like she’s tormented about what to do. She gives her “one of my duties” speech, which is pretty stupid, we all know what she has to do. I seriously don’t understand why the BB producers make them say this every time. We get it. “Your duty” is to put two people up. Check.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I will send her home if she puts me up.” (Again, you can’t do squat if you’ve been evicted. Did you not get my memo?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “For Britney’s sake, she better not put me up.” Then he raises up his shirt and shows off his less-than-stellar abs. It’s a trademark move with him, but means nothing. This man REALLY enjoys his own body.

Britney in the Diary Room: “This is SO difficult. If I put two people up, one of them is going to stay and they’re going to be mad at me.” (Okay, I’ll ask it for the four-thousandth time. Have you NOT WATCHED the show? This is how it works. Why are you surprised about that extra person not being happy?)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Britney lugs in the wheel o’ keys, and it’s bigger than she is. No one offers to help her anemic body carry and place the thing, proof that chivalry really is dead. People pull things, and it turns out that Brendon and Enzo are on the block.

Britney to Enzo: You’re the only person who has not been on the block. In no way is this an attack on you.

Britney to Brendon: You came after me last week.

And that’s actually not right. Brendon in the Diary Room: I wasn’t even coming for you. (But it doesn’t really matter, Brendon, because these people don’t like you.)

Matt in the Diary Room: I’m fine either way. Have you seen my pecs lately?

Britney in the Diary Room: We’ll see what happens after the Veto Competition. Does anybody know where my servants ran off to?

Enzo in the Diary Room: This is MY game. Britney don’t know what she doin’. (Really? Your game? If by “your game” you mean “I can do nothing and still win”, then maybe. But let’s throw in that “reality” business. You might want to pack your catnip.)

Roll end credits.

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