Sunday, September 26, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Flo Rida featuring Dave Guetta - “Club Can’t Handle Me”

Well, with “club” right there in the title, we’re basically guaranteed that this will be yet another video where happy, pretty people are bouncing around like idiots in a nameless bar, but I’ll try to be nice about it until I can’t stand it anymore.

We start out with two really fancy cars parked in front of a nightclub. These vehicles are so fancy that the car doors open UP instead of out like cars driven by poor people who can’t sing. And get this: the car doors open at the same time, just like synchronized swimming, except there’s not any water and no one is wearing bathing caps. There’s a line of people waiting to get into the bar, and every one of them is mesmerized by the auto choreography. Three people fall to their knees in tears and worship.

And there’s Flo, trying to look all hip as he clamors out of one of the cars, but he’s having a bit of a struggle because the cars are so low to the ground. (And really, what’s the point of having a car that requires a crane to get your ass out of?) One of the people in line just happens to have some WD-40 in her purse, so they use that to help Flo escape. Once free, Flo raises his hands in the air, praising Jesus or at least synthetic lubricants.

Quick scene where some creepy stalker with a camera is chasing after some girl. They appear to be in one of those funhouse “hall of mirrors” things where you completely lose your dignity by smacking into a clear wall that you didn’t realize was there. I’m not sure what this means, but the girl seems to be smiling and doesn’t mind creepy guys with cameras, so that’s good.

Back outside, Flo Rida is apparently so wealthy that he can just throw huge amounts of money in the air, making it look like we’re in a giant snow globe as the rectangles of paper flutter about. I don’t understand why the people in line don’t make a dash for the cash, because that’s what I would do. (Somebody throws something in the air, it’s fair game, right?) Maybe the line-people are just too drunk to run and clutch. Who knows.

Flo goes inside and says “hey” to David Guetta, because that’s what everyone should do when they first enter a nightclub. Then Flo gets serious about his singing, and here we go with four hundred people joining him on the dance floor, jumping up and down instead of actually dancing. This always bugs me. It’s a dance floor, not a trampoline. What do these people not understand?

Oh, and they make sure that Flo is sandwiched in between two supermodels who are barely wearing anything, so we can assume that he is having sex with both of them. Flo keeps grabbing his crotch in case we don’t understand that he is an amazing stud.

The bouncing continues for a while, inter-cut with what I’m assuming are scenes from the movie “Step Up 3D”. (I haven’t seen the movie, but based on the number of people who are twirling and writhing on the floor, it looks like a lot of people have stupidly stepped on downed power lines and/or not taken their seizure medication. No other discernible plot. I think I’ll just wait for the movie to come out on DVD, and then never buy it.)

Then they actually do something interesting, which startles me. Several trampy girls come marching across the dance floor, holding aloft champagne bottles that appear to have lit sparklers jammed in their corks. No idea what this means, but it’s pretty. Then we’re back to the bouncing around and I drift off again.

More scenes from the movie, wherein attractive people are learning how to dance so that they can one day be in a Flo Rida video while David Guetta does something with a turntable.

Quick shot of a boring woman reading a book in a laundromat. (No idea.) Then some guy with fingerless gloves is practicing to be a mime. More bouncing. Then another quick shot of people standing in what might be a liquor store, and I want to join them with all my heart because I’m going to need a drink after this video.

Hey, this nightclub must be pretty damn big, because now Flo is standing in the middle of 4 billion people. Everyone has their hands in the air, because apparently no new dance moves have been invented in the last 20 years. This is followed by some rude people crashing through the wall of the liquor store (maybe they need some beef jerky), and some more movie scenes where some chick in a yellow top shows us that she can cartwheel onto the back of this guy. Sweet.

And more people crashing through walls, this time back at the laundromat. The boring, geeky girl with her stupid book just sits there, mad that somebody got dust on her Harry Potter. Poor thing. No wonder she’s doing laundry by herself when all the cool people are running through the streets with flaming champagne.

Oh look, the cool kids brought the party to Boring Girl, and now everybody’s riding around in the laundry baskets and having sex in the tumbling dryers. Boring Girl’s life has now changed completely, so in celebration she gets a belly-button piercing, a nose ring AND a tattoo, all at the same time and before the rinse cycle is done.

And we start jumping around, from the laundromat to the nightclub to possibly a subway car. Everybody’s really happy and bouncing, because Flo Rida’s in da house, and this is apparently on the same level as The Pope showing up to hand out sexual-abuse settlement checks. (And hey, did you know that if you show enough cleavage and can flip your hair to the beat, Flo Popa will spank you on the butt? Cool, huh?)

More bouncing.

And now a construction crew is busting some moves on the dance floor. This makes sense, right? (Flo seems to think so, because he’s praising Jesus again.) One of the guys does this thing where he rolls back and balances on his head, and suddenly my college degree is meaningless because I can’t do THAT. Cut to an aerial shot, showing that everybody on the planet is racing to watch Flo and his backup band, The Heavy Days, continue to have a good time with complete strangers.

Another mime performance, this one from a very angry woman who needs extra straps on her arms to keep them from falling off. Or something. Then we have some group break-dancing where everybody spins on their faces while wearing colorful, matching outfits. (Quick shot of one lone woman, break-dancing by herself off in a corner. It’s probably Boring Girl from the laundromat, killing time while her whites dry.)

Then Flo Rida bangs on his chest, which signals some unseen person to flood the dance floor with water. A new group of dancers rushes out to stomp around in the water, getting everybody wet. The crowd cheers and claps at this, but you know it’s a lie. In the real world, if some dancing fool splashed water on some diva’s fishnet stockings, there’d be a rumble and two drive-by shootings within 5 minutes.

And that’s about it. People keep bouncing as the song winds down, and Flo Rida is spraying everyone with shaken champagne, because he couldn’t resist slipping in another reference to his unending and fertile manliness. One of the final shots is of an unexplained person smashing a guitar into the street in front of the club. Because nobody actually plays real instruments anymore. You just kick off a program on your netbook, and suddenly you have a hit single.

Progress, right?


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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