14 Child-Care Tips I’ve Learned From “Big Brother” This Season

1. Don’t name your children after cars.

This somehow affects their posture, as evidenced by Porsche insisting on her breasts entering the room before she does. (As opposed to Rachel, who just can’t help it.) Honey, if you don’t stop curving your back that way it’s going to stick like that, making it even harder for you to pole dance in that fancy nightclub where you supposedly work.

2. Make sure your child understands the definition of “youth minister”.

Dear Keith. Thou shouldst not claim to be leading innocent youth to the House of the Lord whilst also being an apparent sex maniac. I’d advise you to drop one angle or the other, preferably the latter, but I understand that these are rough economic times and choices are hard. Love, God.

3. Reinforce the concept of “inside voice” with your children.

This apparently did not happen with Adam. At some point in his youth, he simply started yelling at the top of his lungs and has never stopped. This might just be a bid for attention, but one would think that his grooming choices get him all the notice he really needs. Let’s not overdo it, dude.

4. If you want your child to win televised gaming situations, you should probably ensure that your child has had sex before going for the gold.

I’m not saying that Dominic didn’t boldly try out a few strategies, but maybe things would have lasted a bit longer if he hadn’t been constantly in heat around Danielle. Oh, and it didn’t help that he spent so much time in the Diary Room trying to talk street and wave his arms around.

5. Take steps to keep your child from becoming too beautiful.

Poor Cassi. All she wanted to do was remain faithful to her alliance, speak the truth, and be thin and gorgeous. But some of the nasty hags up in that house could only focus on that third part, especially Rachel, and Cassi went bye-bye. (And for you haters that didn’t think Cassi was all that in the looks department, rewind back to the scene where Cassi is sitting at the kitchen counter and letting Rachel know she won’t be bullied, and Cassi does the hair flip thing? Uh huh. That’s what I’m talking about.) Of course, it might have helped if Cassi had spelled her name correctly and not like a brand of Italian wine…

6. Refrain from letting your child get all delusional about fictional TV characters.

Kalia thinks she’s just like Carrie on “Sex and the City”. Really? Let’s see, Carrie would have remained true to her original friends and not jumped ship within three seconds of walking into the house, was generally sweet to people even if she didn’t care for them, and she wouldn’t have faked a shoulder injury just to get sympathy and not have to go on Slop. So, what similarities do you actually have? The fact that you both own a laptop?

7. Explain to your children about energy conservation.

Lawon, must you always be on, with the yelling of catch phrases and the arm choreography and the constant floor show? Even Ethel Merman is raising an eyebrow up in Heaven. (But kudos on the out and proud thing, air kisses all around.) And it would be really swell if you could win something every once in a while. Just a suggestion.

8. Sometimes you just have to let your kids figure out who they really are.

Shelly, I understand that you find great joy in shooting guns and selling firearms to your customers in Louisiana. But must you always walk around like you’ve misplaced a cartridge of bullets up your tushy? It’s okay to be feminine every once in a while, it really is.

9. Speaking of things lodged where they shouldn’t be…

Danielle, your evil daddy went home and is not there to torment you. I mean, high-five for your daring moves lately, but could you possibly unclench for at least a few hours? Let that anger go, along with whatever hair dye you are using that makes things looks so unnaturally gothic and shiny. It’s hard for me to take you seriously when I can see my own reflection in your treated locks…

10. Accept the fact that some of your children may never grow up.

And they will suddenly run off and leave you alone for reasons that you can never understand. Of course, Evil Dick has already won once, so I can see why he got bored and decided to go watch porn in a house that didn’t have so many annoying people.

11. Teach your children to make good choices.

Jordan, you are so pleasant and funny and pretty. It’s so sad that you decided to leave school in the third grade. Was it farm-related?

12. Your child may have limitations.

Hey there, Jeff. Thumbs up to you and Jordan, America loves you. (Did you hear that Rachel? No? Okay, let me twist the knife a little deeper. Feel that?) You two seem to be having a blast together, fumbling through life and farting on national television, yet still winning things like money and popularity contests. But seriously, you really should invest in a dictionary, maybe even open it every once in a while. (But you can keep taking your shirt off, that’s fine, we’re all in agreement on that one.)

13. Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Brendons.

Dude, seriously, what random chain of events led to the person you are today? You might be Mensa material as you keep claiming, I haven’t seen any documentation, but there are some major fault-lines in your psyche. Well, except for your maturity line, which isn’t even long enough to measure yet. I have to say that it’s quite stunning how you can grovel at the feet of Miss Vapid and Bitchy, and then turn around and go all postal on random people in the house. Two words: Permanent Counseling. Okay, five more words: Lose the jacked-up sideburns.

By the way, how long is it going to take you to get that PhD you keep harping about? What’s the hold-up? Are Ray-Fail’s bongos getting in the way of your studies?

14. Some people say you can’t go home again.

But Rachel, you really, really need to do so. Yesterday.